“You Tie Your Arm and Ask Me If I Want to Drive.”

I draw lines in the sand all the time when I’m on this path and every time I try to stick to that line, I’m forced to revise whatever line I’m drawing. This is vastly irritating to me because I like my lines in the sand and I like sticking to them. However, there are extreme moments where those lines get blurred, erased, or I’m forced to step over them. And I will absolutely fucking admit that I hate having to do that. It’s not just that I like sticking to whatever the line I’m drawing is supposed to be about, but that I like being able to say, I will believe X, Y, and Z but I won’t go any further with this. I’m already pretty insane with all of this shit and something new may put me over the edge. So, no further. However, as time has gone by, I’ve realized that whatever line in the sand that I’m drawing is beginning to become a sort of personal affront to my OTHERS™ and they’ll fuck that shit up to prove a point.

Yesterday, they fucked my shit up again.

I know quite a few Tumblr users who work with the whole music oracle. I’ve always been interested in such a thing, but I’ve never figured any of my OTHERS™ would use this music oracle thing. I’ve had it happen where songs that I’m supposed to use during my Magical Cure Search entries have come on, songs that I had been trying to remember but failed because my memory is filled with nonsense things like ring-tailed lemurs from Madagascar. (A family trait is being able to distinguish places from photographs, or in my mother’s case, animals and where they are in the world from photographs or TV programs.) But, on three separate occasions now, OTHERS™ have pulled out a song that was particularly appropriate for them in varying ways.

In the first instance, we had Hekate using the hit song, Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye, to hit me up. She was trying to hint at me that she and I had been working together before. It took me a while – with some help from a friend – to figure out what the message meant. But as time went by, it really helped to solidify our working relationship together. If I hadn’t heard that song, I often wonder if I would have been so dedicated to Magical Cure Search and the shadow work with the ex-husband. I don’t think I would have been, honestly. But she showed up and she pulled a song into my consciousness to (A) identify past lives together and (B) to help me move forward with the work I needed doing for my ex-husband.

The second instance, I haven’t discussed openly. I haven’t wanted to admit it, but it appears that Gran Bwa has been using Radioactive by Imagine Dragons to get my attention. This song first came on the radio the night after I began dreaming about him. I like the song – it’s a good one. It has a very nice rhythm and I enjoy the message. And I didn’t necessarily realize, at fist, who the hell was talking through this song. However, the alternative message, the one from Gran Bwa, was a warning. I haven’t heard it since I realized that I was being warned about what Papa Legba wanted of me. He was telling me to “wake up.” And of course, I didn’t so I was kind of blind-sided with Papa Legba explained what the hell he wanted from me.

Just because you hear the message doesn’t necessarily mean that you understand the message.

Yesterday, I was driving home from work and studiously not seeing the spirit world or the astral world. I’ve been very conscientiously ignoring anything “out of the ordinary” on my way home since I watched a bush stand up, stretch, spin around a bit, and then lay back down. It was all very normal, almost like I was watching a dog find a more comfortable place to lay down. However, I was seeing a bush and told myself, “NOPE.” Since then, I’ve been less than interested in anything astral related. I have not wanted to do a fucking thing I’ve been asked to do. And by golly, I’ve been studiously ignoring everything spirit related around me: the land spirit; the girl in white who took up residence on the staircase in my apartment complex, the deer spirit eyeballing me from work who wants more apples to feed it; everything. I don’t really give a shit what the hell happens or what’s going on around me. I am a big bucket of nope.

So, to get my attention, my OTHERS™ played around with my CD player. I had been listening to Ten Years Gone, the Best of Everclear 1994-2004 since Saturday. I turned the CD player on, ready to hear their rendition of I Will Buy You a New Life when Strawberry came on instead. I was a little taken aback because, you know, I was two songs away from that one. But, maybe I screwed up and forgot where I had actually left off. No. No. Of course not. Sekhmet was fucking around with shit and wanted me to listen to the song. It’s a very nice message, oh yes.

“Don’t fall down now. You will never get up.”

This message, luckily, is far more easy to decipher than Gran Bwa’s message.

I’m at the point where I just want to say, “fuck it all,” and leave this life. I don’t want to be Papa Legba’s mouth piece. I don’t want to watch as he maneuvers the pieces again and again and again to get what he wants out of my life. I don’t want to be Sekhmet’s mouth piece. I don’t want to watch as she molds me into something that is more amenable and easier for her to use. I know the reasons for the two of them fucking my day up and prancing around like loons, laughing uproariously as I slap them with “human concerns” as to why I can’t do whatever they are asking. I get it. I understand. It doesn’t mean that I particularly like being manipulated by gods, lwa, or anything else on this fucking planet.

And it really doesn’t help when they say, “These are silly, human things.”

But that’s the point in why I bring them up in the first place. I’m human. Things are supposed to be fair. Things are supposed to be easy. Things are supposed to be smooth. I’m supposed to hate my job and hate my life, retire at 65 and fucking hate the rest of my life some more. I’m supposed to get bitter and angry and foul the older I get and you know what? I can’t fucking do any of that shit because I’m so busy with my religion that I know being bitter probably goes against the living in ma’at thing and FUCKING HELL, GODSDAMNIT IT ALL.

We all go through hours, days, weeks, and months where we just can’t handle all of the “woo” going on in our lives.

I can’t handle the “woo” going on in my life, but if I stop even for a second now, I’ll lose it.

So, what’s more important here?

The path?

Me?

Their wants and desires?

My wants and desires?

As I’ve been known to say, our wants and desires don’t figure into this.

And now is no exception.

Trickster Deities.

As I’ve said before, I’m a deity collector. I never wanted to be. I remember starting out and being new and excited, but never wanting more than a few relationships with pointed gods, namely the relationship I have with Sekhmet. I never wanted to incorporate anyone else into my practice, in all honesty; I wanted to be a “Sekhmet kid for life.” And while I am that, I have had my “phone number listed.” Due to this, I don’t usually have a lot of choice in whether or not gods come a-calling, although I have a lot of choice in whether or not I allow them to hang about or I actively begin cultivating relationships with them. Here are the stories of two “trickster deities” and my choices therein.

A good year and a half prior to my relationship with Hekate, Hermes had been pulling his King Troll Extraordinaire routine with me. The Sister began working with him in late 2010. Her relationship is exceedingly UPG and one of the items that he had requested of her was to pick up feathers in her path. Now, normally, feathers aren’t a huge omen thing as birds are, well, everywhere. However, this girl finds the most random feathers in her path at times of the year when such feathers should not be out and about. Around the time she began this little exercise, he began sending me feathers here and there. Now, I knew it was just a game to him – I would go over to her home and pay my respects to her Hermes altar, “hear” things from him on her behalf, and whatnot. But even with all that communication going on, I was always very sure to tell him, “Thank you but no. I am a solid Kemetic.” Er, well, if we ignore the whole lwa thing.

I think he started really trolling me because he found my stance in regards to Hellenic deities to be amusing. I am not a fan of theirs. When I began working with Hekate, it took me a lot less time than I had expected to get used to the difference in “godphone frequencies.” This, however, opened me up to more trolling from Hermes. The moment I put up an altar for the working I would do with Hekate, he began coming over on a fairly regular basis.

Now, while he has a lot of serious qualities, the Hermes I tended to see and hear was not very serious at all. It’s all a game to him, really, with me. “Let’s see what she does this time,” sort of a thing. I tend to view it as a child’s desire for attention, meaning that they will do both good things and bad things to gain that attention. In Hermes’s mind and my own, I began to see what he would do to me as a kind of “any attention is good attention.” So, when he began ice-skating around my house or tap-dancing in my kitchen screaming, “tea for two, two for tea,” I did my best to ignore it.

One would assume that with a god making themselves known like this then the next step would be to cultivate a relationship. And in some instances, I have to agree. However, not in my instances. When it was recommended that I begin working with Persephone for other shadow work items, I refused. When Hermes showed up with messages from Athena, I said no. It’s not that I am offering them disrespect – in a way, I am very much flattered by the willingness of these deities to work with me. However, Hellenic deities and I are not a matched pair. I have never had a thing for deities outside of the Kemetic pantheon, even as a child, aside from a very serious and odd obsession with deities of death, tricksters, and destructive deities. Even with my desires to know more about these types of deities, I still prohibit myself within my pantheon.

Er. Aside from the lwa thing.

After I refused Athena and Hekate packed up, I can honestly say that Hermes’s influence in my life has faded. Even when speaking about him with the Sister, he has not shown up. There have been no feathers in my path. I have not seen him ice-skating around my house, I have not lost my keys from the hook they hang on, and I can honestly say that I believe his trolling behavior is at an end.

Of course, this whole path stuff isn’t so easy as “farewell.” Oh, no, no, no. Just because one trickster leaves does not mean that another one won’t show up.

Towards the end of King Troll Extraordinaire’s reign in my life, I began getting extensive “feels” from Djehuti. One would assume that I would know a thing or three about him. As a deity whose epithets include who gave words and writing, lord of writing, mighty in his words, and lord of speech, one would almost assume that he would have been a patron of mine – regarding my lackluster writing “career” – already at this point. However, I was very serious when I mentioned above that I wanted only to be in a relationship with Sekhmet. I didn’t seek him out because, in all honesty, I held more to a “muses inspire” paradigm in my writing than anything else. Since his appearance in my life, I’ve obviously and rapidly begun to amend my thoughts on this matter.

At the end of February, I began getting nearly daily calls from a “pay us $500 to publish your stuff” place that I had never heard of. It’s possible I signed up for this stuff when I was still living at my in-laws’ home, however the fact that the calls began around the time I noticed I had begun surrounding my Tumblr persona with Djehuti kids began to make me go, “hm.” Around that time, my daily rune began to make me ask questions and when someone very helpfully did a supplementary reading, it was entirely around “writing.” Okay. Well, that’s just coincidence… until another friend of mine wrote about how I needed to start writing books beyond the 101 in the areas of voodoo and Kemeticism and everywhere in between. And that’s about the time that I had the light click on.

If anyone can assist me in naming the source, I would greatly appreciate it.

If anyone can assist me in naming the source, I would greatly appreciate it.

The solid moment when I knew I couldn’t quite ignore him anymore was when I saw the image to the left. I had tried something a little different in my daily routine since I had issues with spoon management and being allowed to blog. I had asked for his input on Tumblr, gone into the Sekhmet tag, and found the image as shown. (It wasn’t sourced on Tumblr and I don’t honestly know how to do the reverse source thingamajig.) Anyway, when I saw this, it really spoke to me. I can’t quite say if this image is trying to tell me anything more than Sekhmet wants him around for me or if there’s more to it than that. It doesn’t really matter, he’s here and I’ve accepted that… or as much as a person like me can accept such things.

I have to admit that when it has come to working with other gods, I often will refuse a time or twenty before I finally give in. The differences here aren’t just about the pantheons specific to each deity, but also about the roll they would have in my life. While I may not have spelled it out, my relationship with Hermes would be about cooling off, calming down, and more frenetic. It would also be inherently specific to his messenger service. As he did with Athena, I knew that embracing him in my life would leave me open for all manner of other Hellenic deities. And that is not something I can or will accept. I have a love-hate relationship with most Hellenic deities – for UPG reasons – and besides, Sekhmet has never lifted her “no Mediterranean pantheons” restriction from me.

As far as Djehuti is concerned, while I know he has trickster aspects not just from what he’s done with me but from other followers of his, I also know that he can and will get serious when the time comes. As I don’t know if this is a life-long or just-now type of relationship, I’m in the “wait and see” kind of mode. All I know is that watching an ibis-headed man walk around my apartment in a pinstripe suit, looking about as suave as can be possible, is quite a break from the norm.

Changes Don’t Necessarily Mean a Difference in Season.

Today, while I was cleaning around Aset’s kitchen altar area, I began wondering what I needed to do with the cauldron while I was cleaning. I actually try not to put my sacred items “just anywhere” even if I’m doing a cleaning spree. I tend to try to make sure that the space I put their items on is acceptable in some way or another. Usually, I just need to find a space that clean and ready for sacred items for way-station purposes. While musing whether or not leaving it on the counter was an acceptable spot or not, Aset said, Why not place it on Hekate’s altar? It would look lovely over.

I flipped.

At this point, I’m pretty much waiting for all of my OTHERS™ to leave me. Considering my work space being incredibly Christian in its background, I can’t really do the things that I would like to do in order to feel more connected with my deities. I have some ninja ideas to make my desk acceptable to my various OTHERS™ and some action items, such as stretches or barre maneuvers, but I also share my office with someone who I believe does not like me very much. So, I try to remain quiet and unobtrusive as much as I possibly can until the office I share becomes the office I use by myself. In the mean time, I keep feeling like a complete failure because all I can do is have my jewelry on me every day and by the time I get home from work, I’m too tired to do much more than spend time with my son and relax for the night. So, I’ve been pretty much just assuming that they are going to be leaving me one by one for a HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time.

“What do you mean this cauldron would look lovely over there? Are you telling me that you’re leaving me? I know I haven’t been doing a lot of magic, but I just don’t have the spoons. And we’re supposed to be doing something together, aren’t we? Is the astral stuff really just all we’re about? And don’t you need to be here for me to get a good grasp on that, to walk me through it, and why are you fucking leaving me? You just got here.”

I received a lot of giggles in response as I dutifully brought the cauldron across the way to Hekate’s altar. As I placed it down, I knew she wasn’t leaving. I’m a Kemetic gal, after all, other trappings and OTHERS™ be damned. Even if she was going to leave-leave my life, I still had the rest of the netjer about until they all decide to leave me for my [future] HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time. And I could talk to her, anyway, whether she was there or not. But as I was walking back towards her altar, I knew that she wasn’t leaving-leaving.

Okay.

“Well, are you going to do the household deity thing like Hetheru, then? I mean, I can make some room for you up on the half wall. There’s not a lot of space because of that candle and because of the things I’ve accumulated for Hetheru, but you guys can share some things, I guess. And would that be okay, anyway? Would you guys be able to share things because you did the usurping thing? Would that work out well? And can you get along? And why am I asking you, shouldn’t I be asking Hetheru all of these things?”

Instead of just getting a case of the giggles, I had the distinctive image of a very undignified Aset, kicking her feet, howling with laughter, tears streaming down her face.

I backtracked to the very beginning of the conversation, how she had made it apparent that the cast-iron monstrosity that is my cauldron would look very nice on Hekate’s altar. The answer was there, maybe, and I was just freaking the hell out because I’ve been two steps away from panic attacks pretty much since two weeks into going back to work. So, I sorted it all out and back and back and back again. And that’s when I realized that Hekate’s presence had been minimal, at best, for the last few weeks. I had chalked it up to the THEY ARE ALL LEAVING thing but she doesn’t have much point in hanging around…

I’ve taken care of all of the astral shenans necessary to move forward on my “magical cure search.” I’ve been entirely finished with all the aspects Hekate was going to be working with me for some time now. I just have a few last minute things to wrap up – namely blog entry related – and then a huge fucking cord-cutting rite that I’ve been planning since I realized I was that fucking done with the ex-husband things. And after that, most of the shadow work I’m planning on working through are inherently personal and while a woman wronged has happened in those instances, not in the very instances that really scream Hekate. It makes sense that she would help me destroy a tie that we had together especially considering the help she gave to me in one of my past lives. But the rest of this stuff that I need to work with are specifically death-related or specifically Eye of Re-related.

So, she’s stepping out. Moving on. Working with others.

I honestly don’t know how to handle this, either. Do I keep her altar as is until the cord-cutting rite is completed? Do I just start appropriating it for something else? Do I move Aset over there now? I honestly have a hard time letting go and saying good-bye. I don’t really know how to do that well, which isn’t all that surprising. Considering all of the shadow work I’m having to do pretty much comes down to “not saying a proper good riddance” or “failure to say good-bye properly,” this makes sense.

So, how do you say farewell to a deity whom you no longer need?

Religiously Nourished, But Not Spiritually Nourished.

I’ve had a lot of weird thoughts lately, none of which even compare to the conversation I had with Hekate last night. After my last post, I decided I should sit down with her. It was a feeling, coupled with just this impressive need to commune with a deity. I think this is a normal feeling for most practicing polytheists; this indescribable need to just feel connected to something bigger, badder, and more impressive than you. I think humans need this – which could explain why religions are so very important to us in some aspects – and that’s where this stems from. But, also, I’ve had a couple of hits the last few days on the religious front that made me sit back and go, Hm. I need to talk to Hekate about some things. While some of the bigger things we could have discussed didn’t come up, something bigger and more important came up.

Religiously nourished, she says, but not spiritually.

I found this really fucking hilarious since, earlier, a meme had gone around Tumblr that I had commented on as well as watched the comments from my dash pile up on. For those not willing to click the link, there’s a picture there that says, “Religion is for people afraid of going to hell; Spirituality is for people who have already been there.” I mean, I get the point behind this particular meme. There’s been a lot of talk (and no, I’m not linking because I’m lazy and this is about me, after all) about how there are some polytheists and pagans who are either “religious,” “religious and spiritual,” or “spiritual, not religious.” I firmly fall into the first category. I am definitely religious and have defined myself as such to outsiders so that, when they try to having a pissing contest over who is the most religious, I can clearly say, “Hey, I have religion too even if you don’t understand what I’m referring to.” But I’ve nearly really referred to myself as “spiritual” in a serious sense and I’ve never really thought about my spiritual nourishment, or lack thereof, prior to this moment.

…Blog title not withstanding.

I can say that before this very moment, even before this card reading, but definitely before this very second, I never took into consideration that I would need to feed a part of my soul that could, possibly, be starving. I think of myself as a religious person, but not as a spiritual person. I take things and I have melded them all into a practice, but when it comes to the spiritual side of things, I’m a little lax. I figured that if push came to shove, the whole living in ma’at thing would fix that. Or, you know, I could address it a little later down this winding, random, constantly aimlessly searching path.

Nope.

Apparently not.

In effect, when I spoke with Hekate, I was informed that this whole “living in ma’at” search is not really as important as I’ve made it out to be. Oh, she’s proud of the essay I wrote and is gung-ho for part two to come out. (And yes. There will be a part two.) However, that’s a part of my religious upbringing. While it may, at one point in future, correlate with spiritual work and feeding my soul in a way at some later date, right now, my soul is starving. This is, in effect, a very real reason as to why I’m having feelings that don’t quite correlate with reality: dark, deep, depressing, and just nasty feelings when I do feel and then, mindless automaton the rest of the time. And who knows how long this diet of non-spiritual living has been going on? If the feelings I have right now are an indicator, I’d have to assume that this has been an ongoing thing… maybe since “October” since that’s the calendar entry I keep having flash in my mind when I think about this. (Vision? Maybe. Interesting that an exact month keeps popping up when I think about this, though.)

I went back through my calendar just now, to see why “October” would appear. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’m not big on those big neon signs that blink at you. I’m surprised I was able to even derive a general time frame for this spiritual anorexia to begin with. But, I’m beginning to think more clearly about this and I have to wonder if it was possibly around that time that shit began to get real, as they say, with the ex-husband stuff I began working on with Hekate. I was working on other, minor, past life stuff prior to the ex-husband things and I… I wonder if it was possibly around then that I began to work so heavily to please Hekate, to attain what we were discussing, but also to be able to move on, for fuck’s sake. And perhaps it was all of that… maybe, just maybe all of that pushing and shoving to achieve the fucking goal was what tossed me into this lack of spiritual nourishment phase… thing. Whatchamacallit.

So, if it’s not the whole worry about “living in ma’at” that is going to fix this problem, what is?

The overall answers I was given were a little murky. It seems like I should be able to fulfill this nourishment requirement on my own. I have the foundations, but I’m not quite smart enough to see that the foundation is there. When I requested more information, I was given the “motherhood” card as an indicator. Hm. It couldn’t possibly be a signpost that, maybe, being a mom is one of those things spiritually nourish me? I don’t know. I honestly and truly have issues with being a mother some days. I am very insecure, I have very low self-esteem, and I have numerous internal monologues that harp at the things that I think I “do wrong.” Whether or not I am doing it wrong, I don’t know. I don’t exactly have a manual to work off of here. But, this whole mommy thing is supposed to be nourishing. And in a way, I can see that, insecurities notwithstanding. There’s just something about that little boy’s smile or the sleepy way he snuggles up to me in the morning before I leave for work or the studious intent he gets on his face when I’m trying to teach him something… Yeah. I can see that.

But what about the other parts? Mothering isn’t, thankfully, a 24/7 job when you’re a working parent as well. And when he goes to school. So, what do I do in the mean time, in the off moments, at work and everywhere else to keep my soul satisfied?

And there is the rub.

Thanksgiving, Polytheist Style.

Before we get to the meat and potatoes here, I should inform people who I had a regular, American thanksgiving. It was good. We spent the day at TH’s aunt’s house. We got to Skype with her son who is living in Japan as a teacher. (I think he’s teaching English, but he may be teaching Japanese? I’m not sure. His major was Japanese something-or-other.) However, I don’t really see the point of the holiday aside from getting together with your family and eating a turkey. I don’t find it very spiritual and I don’t find it much use aside from eating turkey. It’s the only time of year that I eat turkey.

Also, this thanksgiving polytheist… thing fell in my lap… today.

This morning, I awoke from a very odd dream. I don’t normally dream about my OTHERS™. Or, if I do this on a regular basis, I never recall them. When I do wake up with them in my memory banks, there tends to be a large reason behind it, usually a warning of some kind. What was even more fascinating was that I dreamed of Hekate for the first time.

I was at her altar in my home, but it was outside. Or maybe, there was no roof above the alcove I have her table in. (And that makes sense since I want to try and find a scarf with stars on it, as pictured in this image of Nut to tack to my ceiling.) Anyway, I was kneeling in front of it and I was being incredibly formal as I made offerings. I couldn’t see the offerings, but it was definitely me, kneeling, and formally giving her offerings of some kind or another. I was also speaking formal words, possibly some of the ones I’ve been reading about in Hekate: Liminal Rites by Sorita D’Este. Again, I don’t remember what words I was speaking or what I was offering, but the dream was important.

I’m pretty sure Hekate was trying to tell me something. I figured I would do something big and bad ass for her on the new moon.

Today, however, is the first of the month of Sf-Bdt according to my Kemetic calendar. This is also the first of the new season of Peret, or winter. I knew I was going to do something in commemoration of this. Since I’m not huge on festivals and big-huge things, I try to at least bake something at the start of the new month and I’ll go a little more extra on things when it’s the start of a new season. But over all, I’m really not a huge ritual, celebration person. I like being the low-key, lay person I’m pretending to be. Of course, it’s funny how you assume or figure things will end up in one way but they really end up in another. Today was about giving thanks for the things that I do have.

You see, things haven’t been very well over here. On Friday, I go back to being unemployed and I’m pretty sure I can’t file for unemployment benefits because I’m only a temporary employee. After this, I don’t know where money is going to be coming from. We receive TH’s miniscule weekly allotment from his unemployment, but even with me trimming the fat on certain bills, it’s not enough to pay for everything. I figure that if I could get cash assistance from the state in the tune of, say, three hundred dollars, we should be able to survive… as long as we also get food assistance. So, suffice it to say that I’ve been wicked depressed and moody. It’s at the point where I’m cleaning like a fiend, taking non-cleaning out on my family members (even though it’s not their fault that they didn’t do something, but I feel like it is because I’m angry at the world), and rearranging my entire house to boot. Well, parts of my house. I’m sobbing internally at the thought that I won’t be able to buy anyone anything for Christmas, again.

Since my daily rune pull today was othala, I decided to take this as a sign that I should be thankful for what I do have.

Sure, I don’t have a job or won’t in the near future, but I have to have faith that I will be provided for by the universe. As easy as it is for me to slip into a deep, black depression over all of this, I really can’t. I have a four-year-old and a twenty-four year old who relies on me. I have cleaning and laundry to do. I have the ability to ask for help from numerous people and I will receive something. I still have some money in savings so maybe Christmas and bills won’t go completely to shit. My car is still functioning even if she’s not at tip-top shape. So, while I’m liable to be miserable and depressed again in the upcoming week or two, TODAY, there’s no fucking room.

And I’m thankful for that, too.

To get the party started, I went to my local Goodwill and purchased some items.

I bought a wooden bowl, two small tumblers, and a pretty picture with flowers on it.

I had actually gone in there with the intention of finding a small, but wider bowl for Hekate. She was going to get pomegranates when I did the thing for her, but I was hoping to have a bowl that had a wider lip than the one I have. No dice on that, obviously. The wooden bowl was purchased for Papa Legba. At a future point, I’m hoping to paint it red and get a black paint-pen to inscribe his veve into the middle. Since I can’t afford a real calabash bowl, like they do in Haiti, but I can afford the fifty cents this bowl cost me… Yeah. He was all for it. The two glass tumblers are for Hetharu and Sekhmet. They’ve recently requested oils for offerings. Right now, they’ve got regular old extra virgin olive oil, but I think they really want scented ones. The picture was for Hekate. She likes plants, right?

Before I went home, I decided to stop at the grocery store. I had AN ITCH and I couldn’t go home. So, in a half-daze, I wandered around the grocery store and picked up cheap items for tonight’s dinner and for any of my OTHERS™. The only one who didn’t cost me anything, oddly enough, was Papa Legba. (Although, he almost talked me into another red candle in a glass holder. ALMOST.) Hekate sent me to the fruit section for a pomegranate and then I went zooming down to flowers. They had a pretty little bouquet on special for five dollars. I was shocked by her choice, though; oranges? I think it’s a last lingering feels regarding the end of the autumn, but who knows what’s going through a person’s head when they– OH. You know. I read something about her getting lilies from someone as an offering and guess what kind of flower is in the bouquet? I get it.

The next step was to notice that I was being trolled by the land spirit.

That tree is the tree I focus on when I’m working with the land spirit, so it IS the land spirit in a sense. The leaves from that tree are all leading up to just below my living room window.

It’s the full moon tonight and that was when I decided I would leave my monthly offerings for the land spirit. I didn’t take a picture because I didn’t leave them until it was cold and dark outside. But, later, I went out and did leave a diced apple and some kumquats for the land spirit. Tomorrow before work, I’m going to leave a slice of bread and the big fucking rock I plucked up from one of my local cemeteries. I also talked, briefly, with the land spirit today about how things are going really badly in my life (again). I got the overwhelming feeling from it that I needed to stop worrying so damn much. I guess I’m getting it from all over: the gods, the lwa, and the universe will provide, so knock it off. It was nice to talk with it, though, since I always think that winter = land spirit communication being remote. INCORRECT, SIR.

So, after a lot of cleaning and generally annoying labor, I went around and began baking. If nothing else, when I celebrate a new month, I will bake something for Hetharu. However, I got the feeling that my baking was more in line with a Certain Other Feminine Deity than the one living with Sekhmet. I’m just getting trolled by all the female deities… Of course, I have to admit to everyone here that I’m not surprised. I know that Aset’s statue was in that dream I had about Mut a while back, so I was kind of expecting it. I’m just… I hope she likes small offerings in my kitchen. I’ve been putting her off for a while and she’s been patiently waiting. Apparently, patience has run out. And I’m pretty sure that she’s here in the FOREVER WAY, like Sekhmet. So, this should be weird and interesting. And it explains so much shit…

But that’s a post for a different day.

Continuing on.

So, after I did my baking chores, I went around and started making my thanksgiving dinner. Of course, it was small and tiny. I can’t afford big and expansive. And besides, that’s kind of the point, to me, in a thanksgiving meal. It’s my family sitting down and enjoying what I make. It’s the three of us lauding my cooking abilities (of which are good, okay, but I always wait to see how people react when I cook, all nervous like, because what if I kill someone by accident?). It’s the three of us arguing over who gets the last dollop of milk in a cup. It’s the three of us being a family.

And of course, before we all sat down, all of my OTHERS™ were summoned to their respective places.

He wanted rice, but he got orzo in a garlic and butter sauce. We argued for five minutes about why he needed a fork. Obviously, he won.

Water, oil, cookies, and steak for the two of them. They were also given more items on their altar, per requested.

Flowers in the background, pomegranate in the foreground, and Grey Goose and diet Coke. She was also given a rearrange and clean.

So, that, ladies and gentleman, is how a polytheist can get down with the giving of thanks.

I Didn’t Want to Know This.

I didn’t want to write this post. In fact, the second this happened, I’ve been staying away from the computer almost in its entirety. If I was staying away from the computer, then I didn’t have to work on the entries I have in draft form. If I didn’t have to work on those entries, then I could put off writing this one. However, I knew last night that my time about writing this up was limited. It’s only a matter of time before Hekate comes in and does her version of a HULK-SMASH to get my ass in gear. She tolerates a lot of sass from me (I think she sometimes regrets the relationship we have), but there’s only so much I’m willing to go for. I know better than to piss off someone of her magnitude… says the girl who sasses the hell out of Sekhmet. Heh.

When I got the feeling that I needed to have a sit down with Hekate, I figured she was going to tell me how proud she was that I did the curse. It’s a pretty big step for me. I’ve talked before (in the entry about it and elsewhere) about how I’m not the witchiest person alive. It just seemed like that was the point. But when I finally got around to sitting down with her, she was very gleeful. And very, “take your time, dear; get ready for me.” While the glee made sense – yay, I’m making progress – the whole “take your time, dear” part got me a little worried. This particular feeling regarding the sit down was pressing, but it also wasn’t. Normally, I will put off our sit downs for a week or so before I actually get around to doing it for various reasons. This one was, “now, but take your time,” which was a confusing jumble right there. She told me to make a relaxing cup of tea (I did) and to get the party started (and we did).

That was about the time I sat down for a ride on the NOPETRAIN and haven’t gotten off yet.

The first card pull was the Tree in Fall, the Crescent-Crowned Goddess, and the Words of the Magus. None of these cards were telling me anything particularly easy to identify. And there was a definite “no, this isn’t congratulatory,” feeling going on. Frowning, I looked the meanings behind the cards up, my brow furrowed as I tried to figure this the fuck out. The first card is about the time of releasing that which no longer works. This correlated with the process of me actually going through and doing a curse. And actually, these types of cards have been pretty much staples in our sit downs. That’s the point to what we’re doing together; we’re releasing all the shit that no longer works. However, the second card, the goddess one, is about maintaining the vision with helpful messages from either the dead or oracles.

HUH?

I had received an oracle reading a while back from the friend who helped initiate my relationship with Hekate. In effect, it talked about working with Persephone, which I’ve refused. I don’t work with Greek gods for a reason. If I’m going to be working with gods relating to the dead – and I’m going to have to work on the things with my father, I think – then I’ll seek out alternate, Kemetic sources. But, this didn’t seem like a reiteration of the oracle that I had received a while back. This seemed something different. What the hell were these messages from the dead? Was that to do with my strong, intense feelings of setting up little altars for the Deadz that I encounter? Or am I getting messages and I’m not listening? Or should I sit down at a cemetery and do my Tarot of the Dead stuff again? And what the fuck did this have to do with “maintaining the vision”? WHAT FUCKING VISION? (As I think about this card in more depth, I am beginning to believe it relates to the Fet Gede Tarot Reading I did for myself.)

The final card is all about constant lessons. No matter how advanced you think you are, there will always be more lessons. To me, that was kind of a “no duh.” But, in all honesty, what lessons? Are we talking new lessons? Are we talking old lessons to relearn? WHICH ONES?

So, I pulled a clarification spread for the second card, since this one left me going, “Eh, what not?”

I received the Three Great Realms card, the Voices of the Wind card, and the Elder Staff card.

The first card discussed more depth and connection than what is on the surface. In relation to myself, I think I’ve come a long way and have considerable more depth than I once did. In going through my oldest entries, I still just grin at how completely childish they were. (I know I’m not alone here, either in laughing at myself or in others laughing at themselves in the beginning.) But, I think it also talks less about myself and more about my practice. For years, it was very surface heavy if that makes sense. It’s only been in the last year, with the year that I took off from work, that I’ve been able to make any headway on what I’m looking for and what ideas work for me. It’s only now that I’ve been able to get into the nitty-gritty of my relationship with Sekhmet and see how it really is. (And let me say, awesome, is a piss-poor word, but it’s as good as I can get.) This last year has really shown me how much my religion matters to me and absolutely, how fucking religious I am. I’m well past the surface here.

The second card talks about a higher calling from the outside, worldly hemisphere. This is about the moment when I started thinking, “oh shit; I don’t think I want to know anymore.” This is something that I’ve not really discussed in this blog. I don’t discuss “higher callings” because I’m content with the onion hoeing. I’m always very clear and concise when I give advice or when I’m asking questions. “I’m not a teacher; I don’t really know anything, but this is what I did” or “I’m a layperson, but here’s what worked for me.” As far as I have been concerned, the whole onion hoing has been as far as a higher calling can be. I won’t deny that I have some dreams: books, ideas, temples. They’re pretty big, wide, silly dreams, but they’re dreams. I mean, I have a message on my wall that says, “those who reach, touch the stars.” I don’t reach and I don’t touch the stars. This is because I like the onion hoing but also because I don’t want to fall flat on my face. So, no. There really isn’t much of a higher calling here.

The final card is about helping others and teaching.

Fuck.

But, as she pointed out to me with brain-like screen captures in my head, I’ve been doing this whole thing already, haven’t I? I answer everyone’s ask in my Tumblr inbox as concisely and completely as I possibly can. I have offered advice on numerous occasions to newbs who have asked here, in Email, or in any of the other public fora that I belong to on the Internet. I’ve always maintained that I am here to aid and abet anyone who asks for that help. So, yeah. I guess I’ve been doing it. But, I’ve only been helping others; I haven’t been teaching.

I decided I needed to clarify again, just in case. I received the Broom, the Oak King, and the Hearth. The first card is about rising above all the mundane. The second card is about someone who can aid me in my success. (OH OAK KING. WHERE FOR ART THOU.) And the last card is about community.

Well, shit.

Is that what I’m doing here? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to be taking all of the flock of boating Kemetics and help foster a fucking community? Well… BALLS AND SHRINE BOLTS.

I decided I needed to go for a last ditch effort. If this was something that I’m supposed to be doing, then what areas of expertise do I need to get into? What the fuck is all this community and teaching talk about? I mean, I have varying religious interests here. We have the main movers and shakers in my life in the form of my Kemetic work. However, I also have a pretty big, huge fucking space for the voodoo and Hekate. So, what the hell? This is about the moment that Hekate figured trolling me would get the point across.

The Fates; Oath; Mortar and Pestle; Athame.

Rapidly I asked, “Are you telling me to teach in a general sense?” I pulled The Fates. The point behind the card was not lost on me. Agitated by this response, and the symbolism behind that card, I pulled another card. “Do you mean Kemetism?” Yes. This card was the Oath, which again, there’s a symbolism there. Have I not sworn oaths to my Lady of the Flame? Have I not sworn oaths to that particular path in my life, to always have it as the most important path I follow? Yes and yes. On a whim, I asked, “What about voodoo stuff?” Yes. That one was the Mortar and Pestle. The symbolism here is the integration of outside elements (voodoo and Kemetism) to create a single substance (my practice.) If it wasn’t for voodoo, I wouldn’t have a Kemetic practice today. I was pissed and angry at this point, so I randomly shouted, “DO I TEACH ABOUT YOU TOO?!?!?” And I pulled out a yes with the Athame. Oh, so very funny that her card comes out as the instrument people utilize to focus their witchy intent.

When she started chortling in my head, I walked away and haven’t been back since.

I didn’t want to know this.

An Idyllic Life.

I just discovered that my ex-husband has had his long-awaited child. I learned it and then, I say back. I was in shock. I let it radiate through me at this sudden bit of news. It never occurred to me that he would, in fact, procreate at some unknown future point. And it truly never occurred to me that it would even remotely affect me in any way. You see, when I first learned of it, I was in shock. This was to be expected because I was kind of hit with it blind, not seeing it coming. After a while, my emotional revolving door finally stopped at “sad and depressed,” however. What an odd set of emotions for someone who is “over” that chapter in their life, though.

I silently went through all the reasons why being upset, in any way, about this was stupid and wrong. I was over it. I had walked through all the dark hallways that he opened within me and come out, whole, on the other side. It has absolutely no impact on me or my life. I will never see this sudden child or him again, if I can help it. And in the end, I berated myself for being completely fucking irrational. I’m not big on irrationality or letting my emotions overtake me. This behavior was childish and stupid. But, the feelings continued to remain pounding within me. It dawned on me that invalidating my own emotions about this may not be the wisest course of action in all of this. And while I was completely terrified that having this reaction may bring that rage ball back, I let the emotional outburst continue until it abated.

I sat down with Hekate around this point and asked her if I was overreacting to all of this. I believe my question was, I’m totally overreacting, aren’t I? The response I received was a smidge cryptic. In effect, she told me that hidden things were being revealed, but to look out for some more hidden things. I had no clue what the fuck this was about. I even wrote a rather curse-laden entry about it on my Tumblr account to that effect. It was Devo who finally interpreted this as, “Revelation inception. Revelations inside of revelations. One question answered, 50 new questions pop up.” I figured that was probably close enough and let my emotions alone for a while.

It fed on itself for a bit. Then the sadness fed on the chocolate I supplied before letting me sleep it off.

My dreams were not good, either.

On the face of it, though, maybe the odd emotions have to do with our not having a child. For six years, we were together and never once conceived. I just assume that he was infertile (when he wasn’t busy accusing me of the same). His family has severe issues in the reproduction department. But, evidently, the real reason was a lack of genetic compatibility between the two of us. If that was the case, then I could have been unknowingly pregnant numerous times in those six years only to have my body attack and destroy it, due to issues on a chromosomal level. It irritatingly makes me wonder how many heavy periods of mine were actually something else.

But, why would I be busy mourning for children that we did not have? I mean, isn’t it really just a good thing that we aren’t still connected via children?

Yes… It would have only made things more complicated, both at the end of the relationship as well as now. He would have been vindictive and angry with me for “breaking up the family” and would have tried to use any children we had against me. He did so with our dogs and my friends when he went insane. I have no doubt he would have done the same if children had been involved. And I probably would not have been able to start over in Texas, again, as I did after our divorce. Consciously, I am aware of all of the good of our not having children together and I can breathe in relief that this did not come to pass. So, maybe the sadness really is something else.

I honestly believe that it is the idyllic lifestyle he appears to be living. Or more to the point, I think it is the fact that he always gets what the fuck he wants while I have to strive for even an inch forward in progress.

He was able to marry into a good, wealthy family. He married someone who is, evidently, genetically compatible with him. The new wife is a future doctor, to boot, so money may not ever be an issue, never mind the in-laws of money. He has the ability to buy new vehicles as he desires. He doesn’t have to worry about his credit scores. He has the ability to buy a new home. He also has the ability to not struggle every day of his life. And apparently, he also now has the ability to procreate.

Of course, I have no idea how “idyllic” this life may actually be in comparison to my own life. As the Sister has pointed out to me, last we knew, his parents were renting the upstairs apartment from him. And that can be going well or that can be going less than well. His parents are fairly irresponsible when it comes to things like money. So, really, I have absolutely no evidence that his lifestyle, currently, is very idyllic. I have absolutely no evidence that everything is unicorn farts and rainbows, with birds singing praises to the new day.

However, I just keep coming back to all of the struggles that I’ve gone through in the last six years. And how he doesn’t appear to have had to worry too much about things like putting food on the table or keeping a roof over their heads.

Universe is Trollin’ (PBP).

I keep getting trolled by the universe and it’s all the same trolling.

This is the universe.

And this is my face.

What do I mean when I keep telling everyone that the universe is trolling me? Well, you know how you get all of those Internet trolls who are just trying to push your buttons and start things just for the sake of having something to do? You know exactly what I mean if you have been on the Internet for longer than five minutes. Internet Trolls are the bane of the Internet, but sometimes, you get the same kind of thing when it comes to the universe. Sometimes, the universe sits up, notices what you’re doing, and decides to just piss you the fuck off with what you think are extraneous and unrelated topics. In fact, this is far from the truth because the universe is bigger, badder, and older than you are. The topics in question may be pushing your buttons, but they are ultimately related. It’s just a matter of deciding how you handle it.

You can just ignore it.

You can just go with the flow.

Or, you could just do this.

I’m currently at the last option.

After last week’s PBP post, I was kind of not really sure what to do with the information that reading had provided me. I was under a certain impression that X was the cause of the “nefarious deeds” mentioned therein. The problem, however, is that I’ve had a shit-ton of past lives with this guy and in any one of those lives, I could have done something that would come back and bite me in the ass. I decided not to think about it, but you know, this is a post about the universe trolling me. So, you know, as much as I decided that I could get a working done for the here and now, the universe had other plans. First, a quick conversation with a friend of mine who said that “nefarious deeds,” to her, sounded more like stealing a child, murder, and all that fun stuff. A’right. That’s probably more of a past life thing so again, I decided to mull it over in my own time.

UNIVERSE TROLL IS NOT HAPPY. MUST MAKE HER THINK ABOUT THIS NOW.

I sat down with Hekate and was randomly shuffling the cards to figure out what the hell was going on.

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

The cards are Earth, The Sun, and Astral Body. Oh-ho-ho. Isn’t it just so interesting that I get a card about the astral when I’m busy studiously not thinking about how I should try to travel into the astral and figure out what the hell I did back then to fuck shit up so hardcore now? Yeah, it was really interesting. The reading was, in effect, this is what you do to achieve some goals, doing all of this well help with getting to the next step in your life, and you have to go to the astral to do it. I decided that this wasn’t really what I had to do. This had to do with the here and now, for fuck’s sake. This didn’t have to do with the astral or severing ties: this had to do with what I did to the ex-husband five fucking years ago and not what could have happened between us in any number of past lives we lived together (and possibly died because of each other in).

Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

So, then I did another random shuffle and this is what happened next. I received As Above, So Below, Tree of Fall, and the Three Great Realms cards. In effect, this reading was telling me that what has come before is coming back now. It’s all mirrors, everything is mirrors. I interpreted that to mean that I’ve managed to get away before, but it’s always come back to bite me in the ass although in different ways. I have to shed this stuff because it no longer works. It’s just dead weight and like a tree in the fall, it’s time to get rid of those leaves. And the final card is, in effect, telling me that all dimensions are concerned here. It’s not just what I see and want to be reality here, but that all decisions from my past and in the astral are impacting me right now.

So much for completely ignoring something and coming to conclusions in my own right.

And then my lovely friend who talked to me about “nefarious deeds” decided to do a card reading for me because she is lovely and awesome and have I mentioned lovely? And guess what?

The universe smacked me around with some more stuff. BECAUSE IT IS A TROLL.

I present to you, the universe… again.

This has left me in a very interesting place. The last few nights, I’ve been going to the astral. I don’t know how or anything except that I am going. I have the clear-cut signs of someone completely hungover from a night spent in the astral realm. I don’t remember anything. Last night, however, I went to the room that I associate with my way-station before I head into the astral. Whenever I purposely go there, Mut (who I am thinking is a guide of sorts here) would never show up. I would end up spending hours exploring the room and trying to get a clear picture of the gods on the table in the center of the room or wandering the balcony and wondering when I would get to leave that room.

I was able to leave that room last night.

I was sucked into a mirror. And the last thing I remember is…

Sans unicorn, perfectly accurate representation.

So, as much as there are times when we don’t want to look at the signs and figure out what the hell is going on, no matter how much you shove your head in the sand, it doesn’t matter. The universe is going to troll the fuck out of you until you pull on your big girl (or boy) panties, pack a lunch, and get the fuck out there to figure it out. It’s so much fun when you try to take your normal route – such as hiding your head in the sand as I am wont to do – and the universe drops a whole bunch of truth down your throat and in your face.

Truth bomb, in yo’ face.

The Mindset.

One of the things that I found while I was working was that I tended to pick and choose between having a religion and everything else. The job I worked was very difficult. It wasn’t that the job, itself, was hard. Even though most people think they can walk into a convenience store and do the clerk’s job, there are certain aspects that do require training. However, once you get into the swing of things, it is pretty simple. However, the company I worked for made the job about ten times worse.

They liked to hire people who were inappropriate to the work, blame the hiring on the managers who had no say in the process even if they gave negative feedback during the training process, and keep those bad works on. They also liked to make very questionable decisions in their businesses. They would force people to sell to questionable people, either alcohol or cigarettes, even though they had no right to override the original cashiers’ sale refusal. (They did this to me, as a manager, even though it is illegal.) They would fire the good people and keep the thieves. They would cut corners in every arena that they could, from maintenance to bonuses owed. All too often, you were hearing stories about a cashier being fired for some silly little reason only to hear later from people who had been there that the cashier was fired for filing claims of sexual harassment against a manager the company wanted to keep or for made up reasons (such as my being a bully). They accused one of my ex-employees of stealing because his drawer was off by a buck a few days in a row. And that’s really fucking awesome, by the way. Having a whole drawer for an entire shift off by only a dollar or two is, like, sainthood in the convenience industry.

They made everyone’s lives harder by micromanaging and then, would get angry when everyone was too afraid to either speak up or break out of the micromanagerial mindset. That job… yeah. When I say that it was sucking out my soul, I really wasn’t kidding. And I’ll add a little bit here. My mom once told me that one of her problems when it came to work was that she would throw herself mind, body, and soul into it. Not because she wanted to, but because that’s just how she is. And for better or worse, I tend to that really shitty genetic heritage.

So, I really got into my religion prior to getting that job. That’s when I started researching. I began to make posts on a public forum, asking questions. And I began a religious blog so that I could keep up on what I was doing. I wanted to be able to look back, one day, and shake my head at my mistakes with a grin or just be really impressed with myself, whichever happened first. (I shall admit that I tend to do the shake my head thing a lot more than the impressed part, although I have impressed myself once or twice with shit I have written.) That’s when I really began to think about Sekhmet. I tried out Ma’at first, but it was to her that I began working with more diligently.

In the beginning of this blog, I started talking about the things I did for my gods. I didn’t write nearly as much as I do now, but I tried to update frequently. Throughout the months when things would get worse and my soul would feel like it was torn in two at some points, I would just come home and go to bed. Or, I would cry in the bathtub. Or I would cry at the kitchen table. Or I would cry in bed. It didn’t matter. I spent a lot of time crying and very little time actually working on my religion. It fell to the wayside. It fell into a time tunnel and no matter what motions I was going through, I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t get back into the mindset that I wanted to be in. For months, I was silent on this blog up until the end of my journey with that particular company.

When I learned a few months back that it was time to take a step from my religious life, I really kind of fell into the mindset I had when I was working for that company. Religion fell to the wayside. I was doing my shadow work, like a good little devotee, but I wasn’t doing much more than that. The problem here is that the cycle Hekate’s cards were talking about weren’t just the same old answers to the same old questions. It was about falling back into the cycle that I had begun when I worked for that company. And I’m already in it… and I’m not even working yet.

You see, she doesn’t want me to have to slip backwards.

She doesn’t want to see me cry again.

Sure, the tears were about the job and what it was doing to me. And sure, the job really did suck ten ways to Sunday. But the tears were because I had no comfort, I had no release. The tears were because I was letting it eat my soul instead of building my soul up with my religion. And that’s the cycle that I have to break. I’m already in the middle of it, but I have to try and stop this cycle.

I don’t want to have walked twenty steps forward only to take one hundred steps back.

Conversations With the Goddess of the Crossroads.

Yesterday, I had this intense feeling to sit in front of Hekate’s altar. I would wander around the house, looking for something and find myself in front of her spot. I would stare at the newly purchased red candle for her and I would think, I have to light this. And then I would wander away. Whenever I get overwhelming feelings like this, I try to put them off. This isn’t because I’m not serious about my religion or anything but because I don’t want to have to do something because I’m being told to. That’s one part of my leonine personality that has no effect of my Gemini moon. If I’m told to do something, I will do everything in my power to be contrary whether it is with my OTHERS™ or family or friends. But, I knew that I needed to sit down and “have a chat,” so to speak. So, I swore to myself that I would do it last night.

Instead, I cuddled with my son until I was too tired to think about getting up and actually doing what she wanted.

Candle lit per instructions.

I cracked my knuckles and I began to shuffle the cards. I haven’t used this double-deck very often since I purchased the Hidden Path deck. I don’t feel nearly as comfortable with the bulky cards as I once did when it was just the single deck. But I get into a rhythm early enough. I have to admit that when it comes to shuffling cards, I tend to “zen out” for a little bit. I remarked once to an old friend that I can get very cranky and snotty if I don’t read cards on a regular basis. It’s the act of tapping into that part of myself that let’s me See what I need that is akin to meditation. Or at least, I assume it is since I still haven’t managed to get that art form down. The person I mentioned to thought that was “interesting.” I don’t know why. I assume this happens with most Tarot readers who have been doing it long enough.

But then again, we all know what assuming does to a person.

1. Tree in Spring; 2. Tree in Summer; 3. Otherworld; 4. Athame; 5. Karma.

I didn’t ask anything specific. I didn’t have anything in mind. Well, that’s not particularly true. I’ve been having a sinking feeling that the hole I’ve been sucked into recently has been a product of hers. I had been warned, you see, that having her come into someone’s life can bring a lot of weirdness. Someone told me that she can tip things upside down on you if you aren’t doing what you’re supposed to or when she first comes in. It’s not that she’s trying to make things bad for you, but that she’s trying to cut out the bullshit, as I see it. So, it’s really not a surprise that she’s come into my life with her sleeves rolled up, ready for hard work.

Thing is… well, I’ll get to that in a minute.

So, I technically wanted to ask her if the shit stain I’ve been feeling like lately has something to do with her.

The first card that came out was the Tree of Spring. This card signifies a time of renewal and rebirth. And that makes sense. That’s where I was when I first started working with her. I wasn’t quite like a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed gal who was eager and willing. I knew that I had hard work to do and I knew that I wouldn’t get far without someone around to kick my ass. So, she came on in and we’ve been working on my shadow stuff. That’s where I was: renewal, rebirth, and new vitality being awakened. Then we get into the Tree of Summer. This card means that fullness, completion, and harvest is to be realized. So, while I wasn’t quite there yet, I was working in that general direction. It was what would end up happening with all of the ultimate work that I had going on. That’s where I was going to end up: harvesting.

Then we get to the next card, which is Otherworld. This is when I kind of started not understanding what was being said to me here. I chose five cards because I wanted a fuller message and you know, I got it but it came with confusion. You see, this card means that the time has come to move on; the current situation must be released. So, I figured this had to do with my current batch of shadow work, which has to do with my ex-husband. Perhaps she was trying to tell me that it was time to finish it and get a move on already. (I sure as shit feel like we’re at that stage yet, but whenever I think to write more about it, I get overly cautious or distracted by the most inane things. And I’m taking all of that as a clear sign that I’m not supposed to be finished yet.) So, I moved on to the next card…

And I have to be honest, I wasn’t really surprised to see it. I’ve been getting the damned Athame card so much lately that I feel like I know exactly what it says, word for word. I’ve been interpreting it lately as me not using my power to create properly. In some intances, this could be misconstrued to mean by lack of writing. But, it’s really all about the creation of your environment and using your power to create it properly. In effect, it talks about being the creator of your own destiny. And I know that I haven’t been doing much in that regard. So, I was pretty sure I understood the whole point there.

The final card was Karma. This card, and I’m quoting directly here, “signifies you are at the meeting point of cause and effect. Your choices and actions, or lack thereof, have delivered this outcome. The choice is now before you and you must now choose to do what you inwardly know is right.” So, when I read that card, I just sat back and bowed my head. I’ve been having my own issues with “failing” lately. No matter how many jobs I apply to or my resolve to talk with TH about stuff this weekend or my intention to do something, I end up failing in some regard or another. In a book I love to read, the lead character comments that he gets “don’t exist” messages from both of his parents. Recently, I’ve been getting cosmic “don’t exist” messages or that I’m doing shit wrong, wrong, wrong. I was upset and very uncertain after receiving that card. So, I decided to clarify.

1. Perfect Love, Perfect Trust; 2. Priestess and Priest; 3. Three Great Mysteries.

The first card was Perfect Love, Perfect Trust. This card means a common goal or outcome that is shared among kindred spirits. Frowning, I moved to card number two. Priestess and Priest means that there is a need for mentorship and that I can’t quite rely on myself right now. The final card was Three Great Mysteries. That one means that a significant event is unfolding and that it will have palpable changes throughout my life.

And I just say back and went, “What…?”

So, I decided to try different tactics here. Just because I can communicate more fluently or smoothly (however we want to look at it) with Hekate doesn’t mean that I don’t have other avenues to turn to! And you know what ended up going on? No matter who I turned to, what I asked, how I rephrased it, what deck I chose, or anything… It didn’t matter what the hell was said because apparently, I wasn’t getting the answer properly. I couldn’t communicate at all with any of my OTHERS™. Now, this is never happened to me before. I’ve never been shut out from my herd because one of them is frustrated that I didn’t understand the message.

I was legitimately scared of what all of this meant. I began imagining years upon years stretching ahead of me as I tried to figure shit out. And I got a little angry. I was a fucking Kemetic with a little lwa mixed in when I began working with Hekate. I didn’t ask for it; it fell into my lap. I knew I needed it, but it’s not like I said, “Oh, I’m going to work with…” and hit a name on a dart board. And all I could think was that my new life was going to be to work, solely or primarily, with Hekate. At her whim, I would be able to communicate with the gods who owned my heart and my head, but only if she let it be so. I was furious. I was scared. I was angry.

But really, I like to jump the gun.

I began to interpret all of this as, well, the same old cycles being repeated because I suck at everything. I mean, that’s a really pessimistic view of shit. And it’s not really the correct interpretation as I found out later, but I couldn’t help but just see everything in a giant blur ahead of me as oneness, sameness. No difference and no change because I can’t break out of my own cycles. I can’t keep from making the same mistakes. This was a recurring theme, which is why I went in this direction. Last night? My dreams. Yeah. They pretty much made it seem like it was the same old cycle, the same old thing. I couldn’t break the box because all I knew was these certain set of decisions and I just kept making the same mistakes. That’s what the dreams meant and that’s what I assumed the readings meant: you suck. You can’t break out because you keep making the same mistakes because you can’t think out of the box and create your own motherfucking way.

It felt okay. It felt like I was onto something there.

But, I needed to clarify.

A few yes/no questions on top, followed by… 1. The Key; 2. Athame; 3. The Altar.

The questions were my trying to ask her if she was angry with me. I also asked if I wasn’t allowed to work with anyone else. I asked her if I was supposed to work with her in mundane matters: love, work, money. And the answers were no, no, no. I asked her if she was still just there for the spiritual journey and she told me that yes, that was why she was still around. So, then maybe the confusing muddle from earlier had more to do with my NOT GETTING IT than anything else. (Sure, that makes sense. Why let me clarify with people who I may understand on a different level, but then, I could get the message wrong, too. So, you know, catch-22 there.) So, this pushed me to my final clarification. I asked about cycles – what cycles, then?

The first was The Key, which signifies that the tools are available for me to understand and that its presence is to reveal what is unseen. And then I really read the entry for Athame. This card is telling me to not just create, but to carve out my own world. It’s reminding me that I need to reshape and redefine what my future will be. And then, I received The Altar. Now, the part that stands out is the italicized portion. “What work are you doing to develop yourself, where and what is your center, and how do you connect to deity?” It also talks about balance on one’s life.

Hm.

Balance.

I kind of hit on something there. From very, very far away, I could feel someone nodding as I hit the nail on the head.

This all has to do with–

–The Mindset.