Kemetic Round Table: The Mysterious Godphone!

The Kemetic Round Table (KRT) is a blogging project aimed at providing practical, useful information for modern Kemetic religious practitioners. For all the entries relating to this particular topic, take a peek here!

The amount of times that I’ve seen someone reach out, in desperation, asking about godphones is enlightening. It leads me to believe that many newbies enter into their chosen paths with this intense desire to have one. I honestly suspect that newbies seems to think that the ultimate culmination in a fulfilling and intensely personal devotional relationship is the ability to hear their deity clearly and concisely on a regular basis. Considering all of the myriad of things that can go into a devotional relationship and considering all of the different little side paths that relationship can wander down, I honestly have to wonder if maybe the focus on the godphone thing is a good idea. I mean, of all the things to aspire to, newbies want to talk to their gods on a regular basis and hear things back? Just from an outsider’s perspective that may sound kind of silly. From an insider’s perspective, I have to admit, it still sounds pretty foolish.

And to be perfectly frank, I wouldn’t ever think that the ultimate culmination in a devotional relationship has anything to do with hearing the gods, but has to do with feeling as though you are doing it right. But, that’s just me; people often tell me that my opinion on various subjects isn’t exactly mainstream or normal.

If only it were as simple as dialing a number…

For those not in the know, the godphone is exactly what it sounds like: it is the ability to have open lines of communication between yourself and your deity. The phrase, “godphone,” actually began its life as a joke, but has since metamorphosed into the thing seen today: the intense and earnest desire to be able to communicate with the gods on a regular basis. As with all forms of titles and linguistics, aspects to its original definition (in this case, a trait specific to individuals who were capable of communicating regularly with their gods) have since changed to encompass the heart-wrenching cries from the neophytes for some sign from their gods (in this case, the desire to be able to communicate regularly with the gods).

It honestly astounds me with how many people have posts running around, specifically on Tumblr, discussing the desire for one. It honestly goes to show that the desire to have that personal relationship with the gods appears to be universal, no matter what type of path one may be on. It also goes to show that my suspicions regarding Christianity and the lack of ability to have that kind of personal relationship is possibly why so many people are converting to other forms of religious traditions. Be that as it may, and my suspicions have no bearing on anything, the godphone phenomena is picking up speed and there are no breaks on this particular crazy train…

Having a godphone is incredibly painful, incredibly difficult, and can open a giant can of worms for those afflicted. Of course, outsiders, who are very busy looking in without knowing the specific nuances of the relationships they’re stealing peeks into, are just going to assume that we’re bitching and moaning. The thing is that having a godphone can lead to a lot of doubt, a lot of issues, and a lot of hemming and hawing over your own grip on sanity. These are aspects, though, that most people aren’t going to take into consideration if they’re looking in. All they see is the glitz and glamor of being able to communicate regularly with the gods; they’re not going to take into consideration what those messages may contain or even what those messages may mean to the person who is receiving them.

This is actually what it’s like more often than not.

As someone with a godphone, I can tell you just how much I doubt my sanity – daily. Every morning, I wake up after having had some intense dreams or experiences with various netjeru and I have to wonder if I’m making it all up. Just because there is historical contexts for communication via dreams, especially within the ancient Egyptian religion, doesn’t matter much to me. Historical information is well and fine, but I have to wonder if the ancient Egyptian priests or the people of ancient Egypt who did dream divination in their temple of choice ever had moments where the gods told them, “do the shadow work or your life is forfeit,” or “I need you to kill this spirit for me in as painful a way as humanly possible and no, I’m not going to tell you why,” or “Can you please just shut the fuck up about how much you hurt and kneel on this stone floor for months on end without me telling you why you’re doing this?”

Something tells me that my godphone-like experiences and their godphone-like experiences are two aspects of a single spectrum… with a huge fucking brick wall in the middle.

What makes it worse are the glimmers of feelings that I get regarding something.

I can go for days with this intense need to go and sit on the lawn, for example, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And if I don’t do it, then I start to get really fucking bitchy and annoying to those around me because I have this inexplicable fucking desire to SIT ON A LAWN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER (and no, it couldn’t possibly be my lawn because that makes sense) and it won’t go away until I finally do it. And of course, it’s only as I do it that I realize that this is some weird act of devotion to –insert deity here–. Or, the really fun part where I have incredibly random song lyrics stuck in my head on endless repeat until I figure out the meaning behind such things.

And of course, we can’t possibly forget those intense moments where I am sitting in a slightly meditative state and I have actual conversations with the deity in question.

This is all just so joyful.

I know, I know. I’m sounding about as bitter as I probably feel. And I really do apologize for anyone who came into this entry, hoping for something that wasn’t bitter. I can’t help that there are moments where I honestly have to wonder if this is even worth it. Like, is this helping me at all? I don’t think so, but I can’t know that because I have a godphone and it works. So, I can only wonder if the grass is really greener on the other side and of course, those without are just assuming that the grass really is greener on the other side.

But how do I live with it and still manage to live my life?

In all honesty, I tend to ignore things a lot. While the gods may think that whatever message they’re pushing on me is important, I have things to do like pay the bills, tuck in my son, walk my dog, and any other random and mundane things. The gods’ time lines and my time line may not exactly add up, which is quite possibly why I can get so bitchy about not understanding the message or feelings that I am receiving. Whatever the case may be, I just continue to do my regular and mundane thing, hoping that at some point in the future, it will become clear.

And if it doesn’t become clear to me in what I feel is a timely manner, then it’s a back burner kind of thing. If it’s not important enough for the gods to tell me in a way that I would clearly and truly understand on the first try, then it’s something that I will pull out and mull over when I have a free moment or three to do so. However, if they feel like using some form of confusing hand gesture or Wing Ding to communicate with me, then they’ll just have to be patient with me.

The thing about godphones, too, that many people don’t seem to understand is that they arne’t always reliable. Things happen and life happens, which can cause “reception” to go down. It’s very much, in my experience, like a bad cell phone connection: the call is crackling, words are echoing, and there are whole aspects to the conversation that you’re missing out on because it went silent for about 30 seconds. The cell phone companies may go on about “better and more reliable networks” but the gods haven’t upgraded, in my opinion. There are still long stretches of time where I have to hope that I’m getting the message down properly.

This is, honestly, why I will put off things for as long as I do. I like to be sure that the intense desire, for example, to randomly sit on some stranger’s lawn is because an OTHER™ is telling me to do it versus, I just think that they are telling me to do it. When it comes to godphones, discernment is important. And maybe, the message came in all garbled. Perhaps there is more to all of this than just sitting on a lawn: maybe I was given specific instructions, but the message came through on such a shitty connection that all I am getting is the need to sit on some random person’s lawn.

If the feeling goes on long enough, I assume that I’m either losing my marbles or it’s time to sit down on some random person’s lawn, hoping that I’ll get something in return for all of it. Unfortunately, usually it’s more garbled messages that I have to parse out on my own.

I think, though, that the one thing most people without a godphone just don’t take into consideration – even with all the other things I’ve listed here – is that it can and will go down, for no reason. Phone lines go down fairly often enough. Usually, the actual lines themselves won’t go down but there will be an issue on the carrier level that prevents calls from connecting properly or at all. In this technical (and possibly boring) metaphor, we can make the correlation that the same thing can and will happen to those with godphones – and then where will you be after having been informed that you really need to rely entirely on your godphone?

Nowhere.

Godphones are capricious things, in my experience. I mean, just look at it from here:

1. Not everyone has one.
2. Not everyone has them utilized in the same way.
3. Not everyone can confirm others’ godphone-ing.
4. Not everyone can use theirs all the time.
5. Not everyone has clear reception.
6. Not everyone hears the godphone in the same way.
7. Not everyone can use the godphone regularly.

These are all things that I’ve mentioned and discussed in this very entry. Based on this list, it looks like godphones are not really an effective form of communication when it comes to devotional relationships. But again, that’s just me! Outsiders are always going to formulate an opinion on something they have no experience with based on minute glimpses into what seems like the “promised land” or, on the flip side, what seems like “a bunch of bullshit.”

When my godphone starts acting up, I honestly just enjoy the respite.

After months and months of having intense and regular communication with the netjeru, sometimes I need a break. And I would like to assume that they need a break from me. You can’t always be in the presence of your family, your friends, or your partner, can you? Possibly not without wanting to kill any of the above mentioned. I would assume that it’s the same for the gods with their godphone-enabled devotees. And possibly even the same when it comes to those devotees with their godphone-enabled. I mean, I can tell you that there are long moments where I would very much like a break, need a break, and damn it, Sekhmet, just shut up for five minutes okay?

This is what it used to be like before I discovered that I have the godphone.

I can remember when my godphone wasn’t very active. It was always there since, I feel, it’s something that you either have or you do not, but not having it turned “on” all the time made my life much easier. I didn’t doubt myself as much and I didn’t worry as much about what I was seeing/being asked to do/thinking about/feeling the need to do. Since I didn’t need to rely on this internal thing that allowed me to have these conversations and nudges, I often checked in with Tarot cards or oracle decks, hoping that what I was doing was all right.

And since divination is an imperfect science, it meant that I was left frustrated and angry because I couldn’t hear what the fuck they were trying to tell me. I could only hope that I was interpreting what I was seeing properly. But even with that frustration in the background, it was still easier. Even if I was completely misinterpreting whatever the hell the cards were telling me – and I had on quite a few occasions – I was still able to go back and check either with another deck or with another user of divination at some later date in time.

Without the godphone, I was always able to double and triple check myself; I could confirm what was being said or done or seen in the cards. Confirmation via the cards now is iffy at best since I’ve been told, repeatedly, that relying on “outdated communication is no longer necessary.” Too often, I spend hours trying to figure out why the hell that card is in the same reading as this other card and… well, it’s just not working out as well for me now that I have the ability to communicate “regularly.”

There are days, and I’ll admit that it’s at least weekly, that I miss the simplicity of divination to figure out what in the world is happening in my devotional relationships.

Further Reading

1. The Godphone
2. Entries Tagged “Godphone” by Devo
3. What is a Godphone? by Del
4. The Godphone Thing by Alex
5. GLE on Godphones
6. Godphones and Godspouses at Adventures in Vanaheim
7. Everywhere a Godphone by Myriad
8. Discernment by Devo

The Godphone.

I have long days where I come home from work, sit down, and peruse Tumblr. Actually, I spend a lot of time perusing Tumblr. I end up trying to follow the threads of conversations that I miss throughout the day. I don’t tend to speak up regarding things a lot of the time because I can (and do) come off as fairly gruff. There are times where I actually mean to be that much of an asshole and other times when I really don’t. But, to be honest, a lot of the reason why I keep my trap shut is because I don’t necessarily agree with anyone who has weighed in on a hot topic and just don’t have the spoons to discuss it with anyone. But, there’s been this ongoing debate, jumping from highly intelligent to the overwhelmingly stupid, regarding the concept of the “godphone.” While I don’t deny that I have one or that having one is really all that it’s cracked up to be, I’m utterly mystified by some peoples’ views on those of us who have them. It’s like… sometimes, I feel like the people without see us as some trendy club or clique that gets into all the ritzy places without paying a cover charge and they seethe inwardly in jealousy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole thing about having a godphone.

And you know, I have to tell you that it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know if the reason why I think it’s horrible is the same as other people. And frankly, I don’t care if other people agree with me. I can tell you why I think it sucks the biggest, fattest, hairiest, old toe you ever laid your eyes on. I think it sucks because it makes me doubt my sanity every day. It’s not the interruptions on a daily basis by beings from elsewhere. It’s not the fact that I feel a need to do this thing and to do it right this second that makes this the worst thing imaginable. It has to do with the intense conversations that end up happening in whatever little space within me or outside of me (whichever) that makes me think I am one thousand percent insane. It’s like hearing voices or seeing things and no one else can verify these things and you are just trying to get through your really crappy, mediocre life and then it’s coupled with all this extra.

Every morning, in some capacity, I assure myself that I am delusional and making shit up.

And every night, I come home and I feel really badly for thinking that way.

Every morning, I tell myself that I won’t have any conversations with anyone or anything about anyone or anything.

And every night, I find myself a complete liar because I was so busy chatting it up with insert deity on my ride into work.

Every morning, in some capacity, I explain to myself that I am going to pray to the gods and not listen for a response.

And every night, I come home and cry because I failed whatever I have told myself and made me doubt my sanity that much more.

I remember the days when I wanted a godphone. I laugh to myself about them now. Those days when I was really new and just really wanted to hear my gods for once, for a single second. Those days weren’t all that long ago. I can remember despairing heavily about ever hearing them. I can remember the days when I stared at the computer screen, moodily, as I read forum entry after blog entry about people who could talk to their gods. I remember every aspect of that jealousy and how much it ate me raw. I used whatever I could in an effort to get through to my gods and to try and hear them. Part of the reason I have as many [currently] unused Tarot decks as I do now is because I needed them to try and get glimmers into what certain deities wanted. I don’t need them as much anymore, obviously, but I can still remember staring at the cards in frustration and angst while I hoped beyond hope that one day, I would hear something more than an intuitive thought or a feeling. I remember those days and frankly, I miss them a lot. I look back at those days and I think to myself now, what the fuck were you thinking?

As each day passes and I fail at something that I tell myself I’m going to do relating to the mythic godphone, I end up thinking back to those days from not that long ago. And I remember how it felt to just sit around and angst. I do the same thing now. Nothing has really changed with this magical “fix it” that I saw others having. In fact, I think that there are things that are worse now. I’m so sure that I’m delusional that I’ve seriously considered just committing myself into an institution. There are other days where I don’t say a damn word to anyone about anything for fear that they’ll suddenly see a message on my forehead that says, “CRAY-CRAY.”

But as I’ve sat around and read the posts of people with godphones and those without, I’ve come to conclude that maybe having one isn’t really all that great for other reasons too. The fact that we can listen and know what the gods want at any given moment can be kind of shitty sometimes. We know what they want and so we kind of lose the soft side we had to our religion, way back in the beginning. While there was a lot of crying and harrumphing in the beginning, as there is still some now, it felt like my religion was much more… pure, maybe, or at least interesting to me on some level because there was always something else around the corner. It was exhilarating because I never really knew if I was doing what the gods wanted. I hoped so and with each passing day that I wasn’t struck down with a crippling depression or a cripple fallow time then I knew I was doing something right, somewhere. Now, it’s not that I don’t get a fallow time but that I don’t even get a break. I get dreams, I get conversations, and I get fully bodied apparitions (I guess). I get the whole fucking you-be-crazy package. And with that package, things don’t feel as good anymore as they use to do.

I’ve thought, seriously, about shutting the whole fucking thing down. I turned it on, somehow, so maybe I could close the door?

I’ve read entries, though, where people have said that’s not a viable option. I believe it was Scylla who said that once you open that door up then there’s no way to shut it. I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing and I’m almost positive I’m doing a shitty job at that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But, I think back to those comments, not just from her but from others as well, and I think, “Well, why not? I can shut my front door and lock it. I could maybe do the same thing here.”

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the conversations I have on my ride into work with the gods. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the moments in the Lake of Fire with Sekhmet or the Duat with Anup or anything. Those times together are very nice and precious. But, I honestly worry that not only is this screwing with my head and with my sanity, but I’m also pretty sure it’s pushing my practice into a direction I don’t want to go. I’m not sure what the gods believe this is going to do for me. I don’t even really think that I want to know what all of this stuff is supposed to be doing for me. All I know is that I’m almost positive I don’t want to head in that direction anymore. With each new conversation, each new visit, each new godphone experience, I begin to fear a little bit more about what it all means and what the whole purpose is.

I got what I wanted way back when but I have to ask if it’s even worth it anymore.

And I don’t think it really is.

I Am Human, And I Know Fear.

When it was made apparent that by letting Hekate and I work together was a good way to get things going, I never really considered not doing it. I’ve had my reservations, of course, but I never really thought that I wouldn’t go through with it. I don’t know anything about this triple goddess other than the fact that witches think she’s pretty darn awesome and that she is of Greek origin. Aside from that, I’m pretty much lost on a sea of information gathering. I don’t know what blogs to look into, what web pages are the best one to look into, and I don’t know how to sort the wheat from the chaff. All in all, I’m really not worried about that particular aspect, honestly. I don’t feel that with only a month and a day of working together – and no possible knowing if it could go on any longer – I need to work on the heavy information gathering. And besides, I think at this phase in things she’s more like a stepping stone to get me back to where I should be instead of where I think I am. All in all, it’s a confusing time, but it’s my reservations that I keep feeling deep within.

One of my largest fears is that I don’t know how to pray properly. I don’t have to give her offerings or libations, although I would like to. (I wonder if she’d like the tequila…) If I enjoy doing it with my current menagerie of OTHERS™ then why not a passer-through? But, really, all I need to do is pray. That’s what the oracle session told me. And I keep getting stuck on this little niblet. How do you pray? I know that I was supposed to do it when I was part of the Methodist church of my youth. And I know that imagery from Catholicism shows the Mother Mary with her palms pressed together in an image of piety. Is that how you pray? Does what your body does or does not do matter when you’re praying? I always just assumed that praying was like a mental letter to the gods. And I don’t think I’m far off here, but do I have to be in a certain position to do it? Should I be kneeling at the little altar table I set up for Hekate? Or, can I do it at any time and anywhere? The last two nights, I’ve sent off little missives to her before I fall asleep. Dear Hekate. I’m not sure if I’m praying right. I don’t think that matters – at least I hope it doesn’t. The thing is I don’t know what I’m doing. How will I know you’ll answer me? Will I just know? Or is that part of what all this is? Things of that nature. I assume I’m praying properly, but my niggling doubt is more than niggling right now. Maybe I’m not doing it correctly and that’s why I don’t know if I even am receiving a response…

Yet another reservation, that one. The responses. In my last entry about this new arc in my life, I mentioned that I was pretty scared about my God-Phone (BANANA PHONE) not working properly. I know that it does with the OTHERS™ in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’ll know it works with new gods in my life. And how will I know what a response is? I can hear Papa Legba in my head. Sometimes, I can hear both Sekhmet and Hetharu in my head. However, the thing with the two of them is that I tend to feel as opposed to know. For example, right now, I know that I am feeling the unparalleled need to give them some good cones of incense today. And that they would like some libations. I think Hetharu wants tea and I’m not quite sure what my leonine lady desires. These are more than feelings, more like impressions really, but that’s how I know they are in my life. It’s like little glimpses here and there. I don’t hear them the way I do the Loud Mouth Legba (…who likes that one…). I assume it will be similar with Hekate, but here I am… I’m taking a chance that my God-Phone will be working the way it should be and I’ll hear her. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I’m doing all of this and nothing actually comes from her arena? Where am I then?

I’m also incredibly frightened by the actual work that we’ll be doing. In what form can I expect it to take? Can I expect it to be like the shadow work that has been mentioned to me? If that’s the case, then should I have Hekate and Sekhmet on standby for working through some of the more horrific issues (rapes, for example)? But, what if it isn’t shadow work that is what is going to get this ball rolling? What if it’s something else? And because I have such a very limited capacity in the realm of magic and working on things in a magical capacity, then how will I know what I’m doing is the right way? Again, this comes back to the God-phone related fear, but it’s also in the not-knowing. In not knowing what to expect in the realm of the working, I know fear. I’m not one of those people who needs to know the future at all times, although sometimes I think precog would be kind of nice, but it would be nice to get the feeling of a little speck of inkling now and again. Instead, I turn to the Well Worn Path oracle deck I own in the hopes that something will come to me from there, but nothing thus far. I’m still left uncertain, adrift, and scared out of my mind.

You know, one of the things that I’ve gone on about in this blog a time or two is about how a lot of pagans don’t necessarily catalog their failures or their fears. And while some strides have been made to correct these particular aspects, you’re still liable to find the blogs of the people who aren’t open and honest about their particular paths. And that’s fine. Those people are doing what they do best and I’m not going to sit in judgment. Hell, for all I know, they’ve tamped down their fears so much that they don’t have them anymore.

But, I’ll be a little honest here.

I’m human. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to end up doing. I’m scared out of my fucking mind more often than not, with the constantly not knowing and feeling like I’m aimlessly wandering down the spiritual turnpike. I’m scared at the thought of practicing spells again. I’m scared at the thought of relying heavily on my intuition as opposed to what I know, in my head. I’m scared at the very prospect of working with a new god that I know nothing about. I’m scared about working on my issues. I’m scared about what form that working will take. I’m scared that I’ll end up fucking myself up worse instead of actually fixing myself. I’m scared for all of this and for things that I can’t even verbalize yet.

I know fear.

And it has made itself quite comfortable in my heart.

The God-Phone.

I’ve been thinking a bit the last day or two about my feeling that my “god-phone” is pretty much non-existent. I’ve detailed in posts about how I’ve always been completely jealous of the people who can talk to their gods on a regular basis. And after a lot of thought, I’ve come to the realization that I am completely and utterly full of bullshit. I don’t know when it started to become more and more often that my god-phone was turned to “on” and I actually began listening. I do recall that someone once told me that in working with the lwa that particular phone will be turned on louder and it will be harder to filter them out, whether I want to or not. And I’ve come to the conclusion that, whilst working the lwa is a part of it, I think my god-phone was always turned on in some sense, but that I was so fucking retarded about it that I wasn’t really paying attention. I was expecting things to be big and expansive and I was so focused on being spirit-blind that I just assumed it was all rolled into a ball with the whole god-phone thing.

Wow. I’m just stupid.

I was so intent on my god-phone being something that was bigger, badder, and better than what I was actually experiencing. I read about all of these people who have visions and can do astral travel and all of this stuff. I don’t do a lot of that stuff (obviously), but that’s not what a god-phone is about. It’s about the UPG and it’s about the gut instinct, but it’s also about being open and willing to listen. This has been proven to me, time and time again, when it comes to the Old Man. There he is with his laughter and his jokes and his eye roll. If that isn’t communicating with someone on a higher plane of existence then I guess I’m a schizophrenic. But, it’s also the sudden desire to look at my altar and stare at the image of Sekhmet or Hetharu. It’s also about needing to light a cone of incense, not for myself or for them, but other people. And it’s about other people’s gods coming on down and tapping me on the shoulder in an effort to get their attention. I think it’s at this moment, with that pretty much happening right now, that I realized the god-phone was on. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so simple.

You see, the Sister’s gods… they come to me. It’s kind of ironic, considering that it was the complete opposite some time back. My gods would turn to her with a big, heaving sigh and ask her to fill me in on stuff. And I would just kind of be like, “Yeah, right. If it’s so important, why aren’t you saying this stuff to me?” Well, maybe they were and I wasn’t paying attention because I thought a god-phone was bigger than it really was. Or, maybe I was so stuck on the spirit-blind thing that I was obsessed with being completely unable to hear my gods… and so therefore, made it happen. You know what I’m talking about…? That stuff about self-fulfilling prophecies? Yeah. I had that going on. But, it’s now that I’ve been walking down this road a long time and the Old Man made things simpler for me. He made me realize that my phone’s been on and it’s been ringing this whole time. I’ve just been a fool for not listening.

So, now, the Sister’s gods are coming to me more and more often. Her god-phone is wrapped up in going through whatever it is she has to go through right now. (There’s a lot, too, so I can understand the whole turning it off thing.) So, it’s to me that the gods turn because I’m nearby, I know how to get through to her, and I know just what to say. But, what I never expected was that they would honestly fucking appear to me. I figured it would be a tap from Hermes for wine or something. I figured it would be Aphrodite in a huff about wanting chocolate and more incense. I never actually thought I would see anybody else’s gods aside from my own. But, things are out of whack now. I’m seeing gods that aren’t mine and don’t want my service. (Thank the gods on that one because I don’t know if I could handle the Greek gods as easily as the Sister does and other people whom I read who are connected to them. I’m enjoying my easy, laid back gods, thank you!) I’m talking with them about things. I’m hearing them order me around on behalf of the Sister because she’s too tied up to see what it is they want and desire.

I am an instrument for them to use because my god-phone is open.

It’s kind of heady and exciting to realize that my god-phone is open and has been. For so long I just figured I was crazy. I mean, yes. I had the moments when I felt something real and important was going on. I had the moments where I was like, “Wow. This is so fucking real. I don’t even.” I had those moments, but they were completely overshadowed by the fact that I was trying so hard to tread water that I didn’t realize I was wearing a flotation device to begin with. I was obsessing over the minute, when the big picture was what was the most important. And to be perfectly frank, I was so stuck on the idea that the god-phone was some super iPhone of sorts that people used to communicate with their gods. And it’s more than just coincidences and beliefs and hearing voices or headaches or any of that. It’s all of that, but it’s more than that, too. Again, I was so focused on the miniscule aspects that I was forgetting that I was really busy painting a portrait.

And you know what? It is these types of realizations that make this whole path… well, it makes it that much sweeter.

Many Roads Lead to the Path…

“…but basically there are only two: reason and practice.”
– Bodhidharma

I consider myself spirit blind.

For the totally and completely unaware here, I figure I should start explaining myself when I use the term “spirit blind.” It’s pretty much almost exactly as it sounds: I’m unable to feel/commune with spirits. I know that they are there. I know that it would take a fucking retard to not believe that there are spirits walking around in the cemeteries that I’ve been grave-tending in. And I talk to them as though they are there, “Hello, how are you today?” and all of that. However, I cannot sense them in the slightest. I can only assume that there is someone out there who responds. And I believe that there is something there (way better than thinking that I’m talking to myself, eh?) and that something does respond to me. I just can’t hear it.

So, I consider myself spirit blind. I think this is mostly due to the fact that as a child, I wasn’t.

As a child, I was all up and in that spirit’s business or what have you. I believed and because of that, I saw a lot more than you would assume would be possible. After the death of my father, I pretty much closed myself off from the Deadz (I refer to them thusly, on purpose). It wasn’t a matter of my not wanting to believe or see any longer, but it hurt too much to communicate regularly with my father. I was very, very young when he died and I didn’t understand any of it. (As an adult, sometimes, I still don’t understand.) He was there, though, in a thousand different ways. So, even though I couldn’t see or feel him so strongly, I just… knew that he was there. Hell, our whole family knew that. But, I couldn’t see him or feel him, and that loss? That hurt.

I pretty much just accepted that that was to be my lot in life. I would have a guardian protector, but be unable to communicate adequately with him. I would have spirits following me around and I would have others remark upon it, but all I could do was give an uncertain smile and a little nod in recognition. I would never be allowed more than a little inkling or obvious reminders. It took me a long time, but I finally figured that I could accept it. I figured that that would be it and I could handle it.

Except now, the Deadz call me…

…and this spirit blindness? It makes it that much harder.

I think what makes this all worse is that it really isn’t surprising. None of this is even remotely surprising. I can think back to a hundred different instances where the Deadz would begin to call me when I was a child, teen, adult and I would never understand what the hell was going on. The basic affinity for fucking cemeteries is a big fucking indicator. I’ve always loved cemeteries, even as a child. And while that sounds incredibly morbid and sick, it’s just the fucking truth. I always just chalked it off to, well, being morbid. After listening to your father cark it in the other room at the age of seven, well, you start to see things a little more darkly than other kids your age.

Maybe the death of my father was a catalyst for something that was going to happen anyway…

A rather clearly big indicator would have to be a conversation I had last night, with an atheist. We were all just chattering away about nonsensical things and it came up at some point or another. And I was like, “Wait. What? An atheist is the what now?” I’ve always viewed atheists with amused detachment, mostly because I used to profess to be one. (Never was, but you can claim things all the same.) But, when we were talking and I asked him what he thought would happen after death, I had this gut-wrenching sorrow and anger when he gave me his response. Of course, things like this happen and then, it’s some time later that it all falls into place…

In reality, I have to say that I’m not scared insomuch by this. It’s something that has been a slow and steady process. With each new experience, another brand new one will arise on the horizon. I merely have to be patient and wait for it. Back in November, when I really started to pay attention to the Deadz and then finally, in December when I began my grave-tending duties, I knew that this was something that was important and a path that I would walk. I didn’t realize that it would lead to more… that the Deadz would call to me. (Damn that hindsight: always twenty-twenty.)

I think being spirit blind is a major fucking hindrance to all of this, though. I mean, I won’t know that I’m being compelled to do something until well and truly after the fact.

Today is a primary case in point. I was compelled to do something by spirits not my own, not ones I’ve met, and ones that I will probably meet in future but not yet. And yet, they compelled me to do something. I felt out-of-body but here, all at the same time. I feel dizzy and my head ached, but I also felt like I was just simply exhilarated at being fucking alive and being able to fucking breathe. It’s only well and truly after the fact (hours, now) that I realize how frightening it is to have someone else come in and tell you what to do and you do it without even knowing what the fuck they’re saying or doing. It’s beyond fucking frightening; it’s terrifying.

But, this is my lot in life.

I walk with the Deadz.