Missing.

In case no one was fully aware, I tend to jump to the worst possible conclusion about things. It doesn’t matter what in the world the thing actually is, but if there is a worst-case scenario, you had better believe that my mind has entertained it. My mind has probably not just entertained it, but invented completely improbable probabilities to go along with said worst-case scenario. I try not to do too much entertaining of said improbabilities, but you know, your mind does whatever it wants. Usually, though, I try not to announce those scenarios until I have something definitive in which to report, which is probably why it took me years to finally say, “Oh, yes, that is Sekhmet calling, isn’t it?”

So, the worst case scenario – let’s entertain you with that first – is that the lwa have all up and disappeared. The best case scenario, as far as I can tell, would be that I am full of shit and just being a dumbass. The middle case scenario is that they need some time away from me, just as I probably need time away from them, and we’ll all come back together at some point in future. But, I actually suspect the worst case scenario is what may be going on.

It started just after Lent. I was pretty busy, of course, with Sekhmet-related things. This was to be expected because I (a) promised, (b) don’t break my promises, and (c) had some bonding to get done for the next phase in our relationship. As much as I may have not wanted to go back prior to Lent, I was willing to get to the new step after having learned what I could throughout Lent regarding Lent. It was easy, of course, to see similarities and to fit the dogma regarding Lent in a Kemetic standpoint and how to fit that into my relationship building exercises with Sekhmet.

Papa Legba left me at the bus stop, so to speak, and tooted on his merry little way.

I haven’t seen him since.

After Lent was over, I went through the motions of giving him his daily coffee. We would share a cup just about every day, either in companionable silence or while talking over things that were bothering me. Whatever the case would be, we would share the coffee. I often felt very upset that I hadn’t the ability to do more, but Papa would always remind me that I am one of those souls that feels the need to be demonstrative with my affections, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. He said coffee was A-Okay with him because he loved coffee and I made it just strong enough for him to enjoy.

But those morning moments, stolen amid getting ready for the day ahead, didn’t return after Lent. Even though I continued to give him coffee, I couldn’t feel his presence. I looked for him on my rides into work, even though they were shortened. I looked for him in the places that I thought he would be after I was bonded. I stole away in the middle of the night, uncomfortable with the golden thing around my neck, and looked in the gardens and forested areas where I thought he would be and I found nothing.

On those stolen evenings, I would look for other lwa who had been companions in this, as well. I often spent whole nights in that other place, going to the place where Bawon’s bonfire normally was held and found the place empty. Or, I would run through the forest, searching for Gran Bwa just as I always had but instead of catching glimpses of him laughing at me always, always ahead of me, there was no one there to laugh. I saw no one and nothing and Papa Legba was curiously missing.

In the morning of those stolen evenings, I would make his coffee and try not to worry that I had done something amazingly wrong by becoming a bonded servant. But it’s hard for me to not go to that worst-case scenario. I started this entry off with assuring anyone who is willingly reading this drivel that is who I am: I think in terms of, “IT IS ALL SHIT.” I don’t know if I do this in the hopes that things aren’t as shitty as I think they will be and so, therefore, am always surprised pleasantly when they’re not. Or if I just like to have worst-case scenarios (even with all of those improbable possibilities in the offing) completely covered just in case.

I was worst-case scenario-ing there. I was beginning to think Papa Legba had left me.

I, of course, went through all of the things that he and I had done together during Lent. Most of it was in dream form. He was always, always nurturing something and making something grow, while I whined at him about all manner of things. He would just listen and that was that. I couldn’t help but go back to that final Lent entry I had written and found something that I had dismissed in the writing:

“Sometimes, I would dream of the two of us in a garden or in the forest. He was always making something grow. He’s very good at getting things to grow, as I’ve found out. What I didn’t seem to realize until only just recently that each change in the scenery, the overall goal was the same: he was creating a garden and needed to nurture it. We talked a lot about the nature of what nurturing a garden was like and how that relates back to the nurturing one must do for themselves. He told me jokes and he told me stories. He said to me last night that it’s time for me to go back to where I belong; the lesson is over. And it was a lesson and a half. He wasn’t just giving me a way out of the really oppressive atmosphere I was in, but he was also helping me to grow, my core, my soul, and everything in between. He was busy nurturing the fledgling plants and the older plants that had been accidentally pinched out when I became so angry and so embittered.“

In a fit of pique, I cried out to a very small group of friends about this. Someone responded and told me to keep cool. They reminded me that things had been rough and that I was probably worst-case scenario-ing. Of course, of course, that made sense. That’s what I do. I go to the worst possible place in the fucking world and I just live there for a while, moodily sifting through the improbabilities. Okay, I decided, I would just keep at it because, you know, Dory has excellent advice. So, I just kept swimming and kept looking in those stolen moments.

When nothing came of my repeated cries for his attention, I told myself that he was probably busy. I’ve noticed, of course, that the lwa are reaching out more and more to new devotees across the board. Perhaps he had things to do regarding getting those new devotees? Why can’t the lwa and the relationships they develop with various servants also go through a fallow time? How many times had I very calmly explained fallow times to newbies and reminded them that there were so many possible reasons that the gods had gone on walkabout? Of course, I reminded myself, the lwa could just as easily do the same.

But I was uneasy with all of that. I don’t trust my instincts, which is probably why I end up in the worst-case scenario. But my instincts were telling me that my having woken up in the middle of Sekhmet’s palace, knowing that I had been literally dropped at her doorstep, meant something. Clearly, I just had to figure out what that something was. It didn’t necessarily mean that he was gone, but that I had to decide what it meant.

I couldn’t clear my head long enough to come to a conclusion, so I experimented instead.

I “forgot” to make his coffee. I hadn’t had the same emotional willingness to make his coffee anyway. His altar was looking pretty dusty and a bit forlorn. And I had absolutely no desire, whatsoever, to give Bawon a shot of rum on Saturdays, like I had been doing. I also felt no compunction, even though the weather was beautiful, to go to a graveyard for anything. I noticed that everything that I had wrapped up and stamped as “this is something to do with the lwa” had absolutely no fucking interest for me whatsoever. So, I “forgot” to make his coffee and heard nothing.

There was no “honey-child” in that tone of voice.

There was nothing.

I kept “forgetting” throughout the week and when Saturday dawned, I didn’t go to the graveyard. I didn’t even move from my bed for an hour upon waking, glaring angrily at the ceiling. I felt nothing, nothing and yet more nothing. None of the feelings of things that I had to do were stirring at all. So, I stayed at home and no one got any alcohol and I just moped about, doing nothing, while I threw all of the lwa related worries on the back burner.

Guilt-ridden that following Monday, I made a cup of coffee, but no companionable silence or conversations of epic proportions. There was still no one in the garden or in the forest; there was still nothing anywhere. My reasonable explanations were beginning to disappear in the face of all of this fucking nothingness. And of course, it’s not very much as though I could reach out to Sekhmet and ask her what the fuck was going on. I was supposed to be kneeling on a dais, doing nothing, while my body attempted to heal a newly installed seeping wound in my side. She would go on about exacerbating the condition and defying her: two conversations I wasn’t interested in having.

But above all else, I couldn’t have that conversation with her because I was worried about what she would say.

I couldn’t help but think that my bonding had done a lot of changing in relationships and the lwa were affected by it.

I went back through the memories of my bonding ceremony, trying to remember the last time I had actually seen Papa.

“The last thing I remembered was crying to Papa, asking him to let me stay for a little longer. I had asked him to let me stay out of fear and anxiety. He, of course, denied my request as I had already knew he would. He could not allow me to stay. I had things to attend to. What bothered me most about this situation was that I had been left on her doorstep – I knew without even remembering that was the case – and now I was here. I had decisions to make, he had schooled me, and now I couldn’t run away to ignore those decisions.“

Had those decisions that he knew I had to make changed our relationship so drastically that he was missing? That he, and all of his compatriots, weren’t allowed around me anymore? And maybe, they shouldn’t be around me anymore? Was my tear-stained begging of him my final fucking goodbye? What a shitty fucking goodbye.

So, the lwa have been missing since Lent was over. No matter how much searching I’ve done, either in my soul or in that other place, has brought them to me. I don’t know if my decision making caused this or if this is for my own good. I remember what it was like to say goodbye to Hekate – fear, worry, excitement – and know that other goodbyes with other deities are coming down the pike. I just don’t know if I have the strength and the ability to admit that the worst-case scenario has come to pass. And I just don’t know if I have the strength and ability right now to say goodbye on my end.

All I know is that they’re all missing.

And I have decisions to make.

Jealousy.

I woke up this morning at a little after 6AM. I had no reason to be up so early, either, so I wasn’t overwhelmingly happy with this current chain of events. I had a three day weekend ahead of me, last night, which meant that I could use today to sleep in if I so desire. I had some ideas about what my day would entail today and waking up at such an asinine hour was not a part of those plans. But, my eyes opened and I was fully conscious within a few minutes. This is abnormal. I usually need about forty-five minutes in order to fully and consciously wake up when an alarm isn’t going off or about to go off. If I have no plans, I can laze around and normally do. Stubbornly, I lay there and glared at the ceiling, demanding my body to shut the fuck up and get the well-needed rest it fully deserves. This week, at work, has been completely full of bullshit and I have been on an emotional roller coaster for a little longer regarding religious things. I need to rest, I told my body. I curled up beneath the blankets more, rolled onto my side to spoon the dog, and glared at the wall in front of me.

Sleep, evidently, is for fucking losers.

Still, I refused to get up and make coffee or set out offerings or even remotely consider what the next steps were. I had woken up, not just early, but with a nagging need to get up, turn on my laptop, and go. This, also, is uncharacteristic of me. I am not that kind of person in the morning. I sit around and relax, drinking my two cups of coffee (only two throughout the week except on Sundays when I break habit and allow myself three) in mostly peace and quiet. On the weekdays, this isn’t always the case because, well, life happens and I have to get myself and my son up and ready in the morning. But since today is Good Friday, there was no school and there was no work, so I didn’t have to do anything. I could have sat around and had my cups of coffee, casually walked the dog, and did some cleaning (the house is in sore, sore need) before I even bothered considering turning on my laptop. But no, I remembered suddenly. I had said I would read the links that Desh and Fjothr provided to me “in the morning.” Evidently, “in the morning” meant that I had to be up at fucking 6AM and get to reading.

So, I turned on my laptop and made a huge mess on the counter while I was preparing my morning coffee. You ever just have one of those moments where you are so caught up in what you are thinking about that you don’t realize what’s happening right in front of you? Yes, it was like that. I had finished setting out the daily offerings to the gods and spirits who demand daily observances and I was making my own, first, cup of coffee. And I was thinking about the conversations I had seen that happened further after those links were provided to me and mulling over what I had seen therein, thinking about how those discussions impact me and how those discussions don’t impact me. And I was thinking about how all of that is just a muddle in my head and how, probably, no amount of reading is going to clear it up (spoiler alert: I was right). And I made a large mess on the counter with my coffee and my first cup tasted incredibly weird because I didn’t sign into my laptop like I said I would or because I didn’t add enough sugar, whichever the case may be. And then, somehow, after reading a few of those links, I ended up making a second cup of coffee and I couldn’t even understand how in the world I had enough left in the pot for a full cup of coffee after dumping half a cup on the counter.

Whatever.

My life is fucking weird.

After reading a couple of posts, I began to think, actually about one of my online friends. (I won’t mention names because I’m uncertain if they would like me to call them to the forecourt with this.)

Their life is weird. I always end up reading their posts, in the quick of the night or early in the morning, on both Tumblr and WordPress. I rarely comment on them, but I read them. Everything they have ever written about their life and the intense devotion and relationship they have with their deity, I absolutely fucking read it. And I was thinking outside this morning, after reading a bunch of those links and feeling as if my head were going to explode, and I realized why I don’t say anything, usually, when I read their posts and why I keep it quiet how completely in the loop I am about their life and their relationship with their god. I’m jealous. But what does that have to do with anything, right? Well, their life is something that the links I was given is about. It’s a life of devotion and that devotion governs many, if not all, of the life choices they have made in the last year. I have watched as they moved across the country, watched as they were shown where to learn things and how to learn things and what things to learn about, and watched as their life became almost entirely devoted to that deity.

I’m jealous.

I thought about what this jealousy stems from. Whether you realize this or not, I was an intensely and disgustingly jealous person for many years. I did a lot to break myself of that habit because, to me, jealousy is one of those emotions that will rule us and we will never rule it if we let it stay. I did a lot of work on myself in an effort to curb that jealousy because I saw how it made me behave in my relationships with other people, I saw how it made those people behave with me while we were in those relationships, and I saw very clearly that I would end up as a sharp-lipped old harpy if I kept that shit up. It was a years’ long process that was aided and abetted by various factors in my life until I was finally at the point where even the possibility of having a significant other who may “window shop” while we are out and about together gave me hardly a quiver. (Let’s face it: my eyes roam too.) I have moments now, of course, where I end up feeling really jealous, but normally, it’s about stupid things and I can easily and quickly trace where that jealousy stems from and then shut it up, stop it, or destroy it, whichever the case may be.

However, I have noticed that, on occasion, I can have such a deep and abiding jealousy laden moment in my religious life that I can find it difficult to breathe from all of the emotional upheaval. I find it interesting that my lack of jealousy in one arena – mundane matters – seems to have overdeveloped in other arenas – religious matters. But no matter from whence the jealousy stems, I still live by the adage that this isn’t a good idea and I need to discover the source of that jealousy in a better attempt to get a handle on what’s going on, internally. So, I sat down and pondered what it was that I was seeing that was causing such jealousy. I think, and I’m not sure yet and I probably won’t be for a while, if it was caused by the fact that they have let their religious path, in one form or another, determine their life or if it’s merely because it feels like their relationship with their deity is more intense and far more easier than mine.

In thinking about it further, I have to admit that I think it is the latter as opposed to the former.

This person to whom I know has a life dedicated to their gods. I’ve seen other people with similar lives, but this person lives it in a way that makes me envious. The other people I’ve seen in similar situations don’t seem to live their life in the way that this person does and their interactions, choices, and many of the statements that stem from either of those cases leaves me cold inside. I definitely do NOT want to have a lifestyle like those others. But this person whom I’m friendly with, who has watched my posts and my own comments about things in recent weeks and has given me words of encouragement the likes of which I cannot even convey in the last few months… that person has a life that I am envious of. They live a good life. Their deity pushes them in directions that are baffling to me, and occasionally baffling to them as well, but it’s the fact that their deity pushes them the way that the deity does… That’s where the jealousy comes from.

After having identified the basis for it, I could come to terms with it and let it go.

But I have to admit that I’m beginning to feel that I want… this other that my friend currently has. This friend of mine has done a whole lot in their life based entirely on what the deity in question has asked of them. And in that, there was a lot of fear. I can remember one post that they wrote, clearly delineating what could possibly go wrong with their life if they did the thing. And they ended up doing the thing and thus far, things seem to be going very well with their life. Things may be a lot more confusing now because they tend to listen to those nudges more often than they used to, but they seem to be having a very decent life. I understand, consciously, that if I were to attempt to follow suit in my relationship with Sekhmet, I wouldn’t necessarily get the same things or the same impressions or even have the same end result(s) that my friend has. But sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to give up control, just enough, to feel as though a deity is actually pushing me in the proper direction. (I don’t doubt that my friend is living their life according to their deity’s wishes, by the way. In case that came across as what I was saying, I didn’t mean it that way. I’ve tried to re-word that sentence a lot and just ended up going, “fuck it.”) But I have so much fear on that front that I honestly don’t think I could do it.

Besides, I am a control freak, in case no one was paying attention.

But as I thought back to this morning and this wakeup call at 6AM… I wondered if maybe that wasn’t Sekhmet pushing me… I honestly don’t know if that’s the case, but the links I was given are in relation to where things could possibly be heading when it comes to Sekhmet in future months. Things have come to a head and I’ve… finally gotten to the point where I am accepting of the initiation that I went through and even having the rug pulled out from beneath me. I’ve even noticed that, emotionally, I feel much more on proper footing than I did before my break. Sometimes, when I think about it, I’m still really pissed off, but mostly, I’ve accepted that things went down the way that they did and that there is nothing I can or should do about it. I can either accept it and move on or I cannot accept it and leave. I decided that I wanted to stay in all of this, so acceptance is where I went. And with that acceptance, I’ve begun to look to other possibilities – avenues that I never fully understood or only ever thought about – and I’m beginning to wonder if maybe…

Jealousy is that type of emotion that is based, in my opinion, on something that we see that we want very much. And I’m wondering if my jealousy was due to my own blindness. I’ve felt nudges and emotions and had ideas that seemed to come out of nowhere, but later as I began to put the puzzle pieces together, I realized that maybe it didn’t all come from seemingly nowhere. Perhaps my jealousy was out of a deep miscommunication with myself. I was so blinded, mayhap, by the emotional construct of my relationship with Sekhmet in the beginning that I was happy even in her disgust with me. And later, as I began to fight back and then even later when I realized what sort of fucked up shit was coming down the way, I realized that I wanted to be like that friend of mine. I was perceiving what the relationship they have with their deity was and wanted it.

Nudges.

Pushes.

Confirmed divination sessions.

But I am beginning to wonder if I haven’t always been guided, in a way. And that my jealousy is based out of a misconception. I began to pick up pieces and put them down this morning as I went through those links provided me. Later, I went back to a few places I used to haunt and saw some things that had me laughing at my own naiveté and my own… blindness. I think the jealousy I was feeling was based on a definite issue I, myself, was having but not because I wanted what I was seeing. I wanted what I thought was happening to that friend of mine. I was always guided, I just didn’t quite understand where that guidance was leading. I think I understand where that guidance was headed now. I believe I know what’s heading my way and I’m pretty sure the next few months… they’ll be interesting.

Now, if only Sekhmet could teach me how to cook properly…

Communication Helps, But Only If You’re Around to Hear What’s Being Said.

So, I did end up losing my job and I’m pretty sure Papa Legba had all to do with it. I had wards in place and personal protective amulets and they were still working. So. There was some Upper Level Fucking Around going on. I wonder if he got Sekhmet in on it, too, because I haven’t heard from either one of them since the axe dropped. Interesting? I think not.

I’m still trying to figure out what this all means and what they want. It would be nice if I could hear them talking or some such shit.