The Godphone.

I have long days where I come home from work, sit down, and peruse Tumblr. Actually, I spend a lot of time perusing Tumblr. I end up trying to follow the threads of conversations that I miss throughout the day. I don’t tend to speak up regarding things a lot of the time because I can (and do) come off as fairly gruff. There are times where I actually mean to be that much of an asshole and other times when I really don’t. But, to be honest, a lot of the reason why I keep my trap shut is because I don’t necessarily agree with anyone who has weighed in on a hot topic and just don’t have the spoons to discuss it with anyone. But, there’s been this ongoing debate, jumping from highly intelligent to the overwhelmingly stupid, regarding the concept of the “godphone.” While I don’t deny that I have one or that having one is really all that it’s cracked up to be, I’m utterly mystified by some peoples’ views on those of us who have them. It’s like… sometimes, I feel like the people without see us as some trendy club or clique that gets into all the ritzy places without paying a cover charge and they seethe inwardly in jealousy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole thing about having a godphone.

And you know, I have to tell you that it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know if the reason why I think it’s horrible is the same as other people. And frankly, I don’t care if other people agree with me. I can tell you why I think it sucks the biggest, fattest, hairiest, old toe you ever laid your eyes on. I think it sucks because it makes me doubt my sanity every day. It’s not the interruptions on a daily basis by beings from elsewhere. It’s not the fact that I feel a need to do this thing and to do it right this second that makes this the worst thing imaginable. It has to do with the intense conversations that end up happening in whatever little space within me or outside of me (whichever) that makes me think I am one thousand percent insane. It’s like hearing voices or seeing things and no one else can verify these things and you are just trying to get through your really crappy, mediocre life and then it’s coupled with all this extra.

Every morning, in some capacity, I assure myself that I am delusional and making shit up.

And every night, I come home and I feel really badly for thinking that way.

Every morning, I tell myself that I won’t have any conversations with anyone or anything about anyone or anything.

And every night, I find myself a complete liar because I was so busy chatting it up with insert deity on my ride into work.

Every morning, in some capacity, I explain to myself that I am going to pray to the gods and not listen for a response.

And every night, I come home and cry because I failed whatever I have told myself and made me doubt my sanity that much more.

I remember the days when I wanted a godphone. I laugh to myself about them now. Those days when I was really new and just really wanted to hear my gods for once, for a single second. Those days weren’t all that long ago. I can remember despairing heavily about ever hearing them. I can remember the days when I stared at the computer screen, moodily, as I read forum entry after blog entry about people who could talk to their gods. I remember every aspect of that jealousy and how much it ate me raw. I used whatever I could in an effort to get through to my gods and to try and hear them. Part of the reason I have as many [currently] unused Tarot decks as I do now is because I needed them to try and get glimmers into what certain deities wanted. I don’t need them as much anymore, obviously, but I can still remember staring at the cards in frustration and angst while I hoped beyond hope that one day, I would hear something more than an intuitive thought or a feeling. I remember those days and frankly, I miss them a lot. I look back at those days and I think to myself now, what the fuck were you thinking?

As each day passes and I fail at something that I tell myself I’m going to do relating to the mythic godphone, I end up thinking back to those days from not that long ago. And I remember how it felt to just sit around and angst. I do the same thing now. Nothing has really changed with this magical “fix it” that I saw others having. In fact, I think that there are things that are worse now. I’m so sure that I’m delusional that I’ve seriously considered just committing myself into an institution. There are other days where I don’t say a damn word to anyone about anything for fear that they’ll suddenly see a message on my forehead that says, “CRAY-CRAY.”

But as I’ve sat around and read the posts of people with godphones and those without, I’ve come to conclude that maybe having one isn’t really all that great for other reasons too. The fact that we can listen and know what the gods want at any given moment can be kind of shitty sometimes. We know what they want and so we kind of lose the soft side we had to our religion, way back in the beginning. While there was a lot of crying and harrumphing in the beginning, as there is still some now, it felt like my religion was much more… pure, maybe, or at least interesting to me on some level because there was always something else around the corner. It was exhilarating because I never really knew if I was doing what the gods wanted. I hoped so and with each passing day that I wasn’t struck down with a crippling depression or a cripple fallow time then I knew I was doing something right, somewhere. Now, it’s not that I don’t get a fallow time but that I don’t even get a break. I get dreams, I get conversations, and I get fully bodied apparitions (I guess). I get the whole fucking you-be-crazy package. And with that package, things don’t feel as good anymore as they use to do.

I’ve thought, seriously, about shutting the whole fucking thing down. I turned it on, somehow, so maybe I could close the door?

I’ve read entries, though, where people have said that’s not a viable option. I believe it was Scylla who said that once you open that door up then there’s no way to shut it. I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing and I’m almost positive I’m doing a shitty job at that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But, I think back to those comments, not just from her but from others as well, and I think, “Well, why not? I can shut my front door and lock it. I could maybe do the same thing here.”

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the conversations I have on my ride into work with the gods. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the moments in the Lake of Fire with Sekhmet or the Duat with Anup or anything. Those times together are very nice and precious. But, I honestly worry that not only is this screwing with my head and with my sanity, but I’m also pretty sure it’s pushing my practice into a direction I don’t want to go. I’m not sure what the gods believe this is going to do for me. I don’t even really think that I want to know what all of this stuff is supposed to be doing for me. All I know is that I’m almost positive I don’t want to head in that direction anymore. With each new conversation, each new visit, each new godphone experience, I begin to fear a little bit more about what it all means and what the whole purpose is.

I got what I wanted way back when but I have to ask if it’s even worth it anymore.

And I don’t think it really is.

Pop Culture Paganism.

Disclaimer: This is one of those posts that will piss someone off, somewhere.

My son has this really ridiculous habit of requesting people refraining from doing something because he doesn’t like it. My son is five, so I get these ridiculous requests quite often. In every instance, I’m sure to say a variant of the following, “Is it hurting you? Is it hurting other people?” The answer, in each case, is that whatever he wants someone to stop doing is definitely not hurting him or anyone else he knows. It is at that point that I point out to him that not only is whatever it is not hurting him, but that it doesn’t impact him in any way. He gets the point but the ultimate lesson of “mind yo’ beeswax” is kind of lost on him because he’s five.

The reason I mention this is because this is all I can see with the sudden influx of pop culture paganism (henceforth, PCP) debates goin’ round the blogosphere. In those instances, I am instantly thrown back to a moment where I am continuously attempting to teach my son to mind his own business. Whenever someone starts waving around, pointing fingers, and generally being an asshole about PCPs and their practice, this is all I can see and think. However, instead of an adorable five-year-old’s face with two missing front teeth, I see the pagan sphere as a kind of overblown version of that iconic movies scene of torches and pitchforks, each citizen intent on catching Frankenstein’s monster. Only in this instance, the form of this legendary beast has suddenly taken the form of the not-so-mythic pop culture pagans (henceforth, PCPs) and the egregore that they have relationships with.

So, someone please explain to me how in the world whatever they are practicing is bringing harm to the very people so outspoken against it? Someone please explain to me how in the world whatever they are practicing is bringing harm to the pagan hemisphere in any context? If I were in an auditorium, I would literally poll every single person sitting in front of me. Unless PCPs’ practices are going to cause imminent danger to you or to someone you know, then frankly, shut the fuck up about it. I hate to break it to everyone whining against the practices therein but since they are not going to bring harm to you or to others, then they are not doing a damn thing that impacts you in any way, shape, or form. And as I tell my kid on a nearly daily basis, “Mind yo’ beeswax.”

We are fighting so hard against each other that we are forgetting that there are more important things at stake than who can or should practice what. We are so focused on the in-fighting between ourselves that we forget that we should be uniting and presenting that united face against the world at large. We are already considered crazy by many and child-molesting, animal-sacrificing dunderheads at worst. And yet, we can’t even unite long enough to win any form of legitimate acceptance in the world, at large. There are still people who are having their homes attacked as well as people who have been killed for being a practicing pagan. And yet, those of us who are privileged enough to live in an area of the world where a general acceptance of our practices are so fucking focused on PCPs and what they do that they need to write endlessly long, rambling, wordy posts about it?

Get the fuck over yourselves.

Get the fuck over the fact that people are different.

Get the fuck over the fact that each person can practice in their own way.

By excluding an entire section of paganism, you are doing the community you are praising so highly a severe disservice. Not only are you, possibly, pushing away future converts to paganism who are interested in PCP, but you are also removing the very real possibility of another part of the community that you may actually need some day. One day, we may all get together and start demanding that we be taken seriously, with placards waving and legal protests organized against the Christianization of a nation that was not founded on any one religion. And the pagan with the placard beside you may just end up being one of those PCPs you’ve been ranting and raving about on the Internet. No imagine that fake protest without them there, another sect pulls up stakes and disavows its pagan roots because too many assholes made them feel unwanted in a fractured, immature community that is nowhere near where it should be.

Those PCPs that you are busy offending could be the very reason we get accepted as a legitimate religion, one day.

Not only are you behaving childishly, clique-like, and foolishly when you are so busy ranting about what they do, which is not hurting you, but you are bringing to mind a very “interesting” subsection of American culture. They are also very exclusionary… They wear ugly white robes and have a thing for placing burning crosses on people’s lawns. I’ll let you think about my vague metaphor a moment and then mention yet another exclusionary branch of humanity. They also wore pointy hats, but their uniforms tended toward green and they had a thing about racial purity. Only instead of placing burning crosses on people’s lawns, they killed millions of whomever they deemed as undesirable.

While I would like to assume that my fellow pagan “community” wouldn’t go so far as all of that, one never knows. The propaganda against PCPs and their practices has already been written. The nasty PR is already gumming up the works and painting what was once a clear issue – don’t be a dick – with Vaseline and smearing it all up to hell. And all because a bunch of people don’t particularly care for how someone else practices their religion. (As someone from Massachusetts, I have to admit that this story sounds oh, so familiar. I wonder why.)

And as I made it quite clear in my head covering post about the drama from last year,

I came into paganism because I was sick and tired of the Abrahamic faiths making decisions about me and my body and my soul without my consent. Yep. That’s why I started out down this road. I loved the freedom that I’ve learned and discovered in paganism. And now as time goes by, I find myself more and more not wanting to do anything in this “community” because it’s turning into the exact same shit as I found when I was a fucking Christian. Before I know it, I’m going to have BNPs (big name pagans) telling me if I can get an abortion, use birth control, vote for the next presidential candidate, etc. And that really just doesn’t fly with me. The whole point, to me, in this practice is to be able to do what I decide is proper in my spiritual practice. And if that means that I feel the need to wear a white bandana on my head when I’m communing with the lwa, then so be it. If that means that I have to go running around naked under the full moon, then so be it. If that means that I have to tap dance to the National Fucking Anthem while touching my nose and patting my stomach, then so be it. This is my religious path and what I do is my fucking business. That’s what makes it MINE.

And that goes for anybody else who is a practicing pagan.

Their path, their rules.

So, metaphoric pagan police, just stop worrying about how this portrays the “community at large.” There isn’t a fucking community, at large. If we’re all so worried about what the hell other people are doing in their practice, long enough to write those blog entries about it, then we’re forgetting that we should be out doing instead of thinking. If we’re all so worried about what’s going on in the obviously fulfilling practice of those PCPs, then we’re forgetting about what the hell we need to do for our own practices. By writing all of those damn words lambasting a sub sect of paganism, then there are some things that your practice are not fulfilling since you can spend that much time being worried about public sentiment and others’ belief systems.

Get over yourselves.

Stop thinking about what other people are doing.

Stop worrying about how that may, one day, impact you.

If you’re so interested in community, foster one instead of being a dick wheel to someone who you don’t like or whose practice differs so largely for your own.

Get off your high horse and go do something productive for once.

And above all, don’t forget that their religious practice in their own and impacts you in no way.

Their path, their rules.

CONTROVERSY: Head Covering.

Usually, I don’t really give a crap about whether or not I blog about something that may or may not be controversial. Fuck. I blogged about being an oversharing pagan and was pretty sure I was going to get shit on for it. In fact, that did not happen and I was given a lot of support from people who read the entry. (SQUEEEEEE!) In this case, I know that I’ll probably get some negative responses or reactions. And that’s fine. I’m no stranger to people getting angry with me over things that I say, do, or believe. The thing is that I’m not really going to comment on where I stand on the controversy itself because I have no opinion on it. I have never been asked to cover my head by my gods and while Cam made some really awesome thought-provoking comments about it in regards to the ATRs, I still haven’t really decided where I stand on this. The only part that I can safely attest to having an opinion on is the fact that it’s stupid to make this even remotely controversial because, you know what? Everyone does whatever the fuck they want to do in their religions and it’s nobody else’s fucking business.

That’s my opinion on this whole big thing.

If someone decides that they need to cover for morality sake, then that is their business. If someone has been asked of the gods to cover their heads, then that is their business. If someone has never been asked to cover for any reason whatsoever, then that is their business. In taking this to a higher level, we’re making it a huge split down the middle, knock-down-drag-out fight. And for what? We’re an entire community that’s so busy fracturing itself on shit like head covering, modesty issues, and not being willing to share information with the newbies that we’re going to end up dissolving ourselves before we really get going. And you know what? That bugs the fucking crap out of me more than anything else. WE ARE A COMMUNITY. We all believe in different things, different gods, different practices, but when it comes to an issue like wearing a scarf over the head that’s when we have problems? What the hell is the matter with people that they feel the need to force their opinion down other people’s throats? Why is that even remotely a good thing in paganism, at all?

I came into paganism because I was sick and tired of the Abrahamic faiths making decisions about me and my body and my soul without my consent. Yep. That’s why I started out down this road. I loved the freedom that I’ve learned and discovered in paganism. And now as time goes by, I find myself more and more not wanting to do anything in this “community” because it’s turning into the exact same shit as I found when I was a fucking Christian. Before I know it, I’m going to have BNPs (big name pagans) telling me if I can get an abortion, use birth control, vote for the next presidential candidate, etc. And that really just doesn’t fly with me. The whole point, to me, in this practice is to be able to do what I decide is proper in my spiritual practice. And if that means that I feel the need to wear a white bandana on my head when I’m communing with the lwa, then so be it. If that means that I have to go running around naked under the full moon, then so be it. If that means that I have to tap dance to the National Fucking Anthem while touching my nose and patting my stomach, then so be it. This is my religious path and what I do is my fucking business. That’s what makes it MINE.

And that goes for anybody else who is a practicing pagan.

Their path, their rules.

Nazis in Paganism (PBP).

I’m pretty sure that with the title alone, I’ve grabbed a bunch of people’s attention. And while I do know that there are some Neo-Nazis out there that are pagans, as well, that’s not really what I want to discuss. I’m not thinking about the definition of Nazi is the social-political party of 1930s Germany, the people who started a race war, or the bands of men and women who uphold to the racial bigotry as perpetrated by the Germanic people just prior and during World War II. The definition, specifically, that I am contending with here is the third as found on Dictionary-dot-Com, which states: “a person who is fanatically dedicated to or seeks to control a specified activity, practice, etc.” We have people of this particular nature in paganism and it’s something that I want to discuss.

In my pagan experience, I can think of two people specifically who fit the definition as stated above. In my experience, these people were two entirely different nazis in two entirely different senses. In the first case, she was trying to control the practice of the Sister in a fanatical manner. She wasn’t very mean or cruel about it, but she was pretty forceful. In the second case, the person would grow incredibly rage-like and nasty if and when the information she put out there for others to absorb was utilized in a manner other than what she had decided it was to be used for or if someone tried to utilize the information freely given in a context that she didn’t like. Both of these people, in my experience, were pagan nazis. And both of these people were inherently wrong in what they were trying to do. Controlling someone’s thoughts, feelings, or beliefs is about as completely useless as stabbing yourself in the eye with a sharp stick. In both cases, the women trying to control the flow of information or the religious path in question only made the desire to break away and create something that much more palpable.

Now, I try to be a pretty tolerant person when it comes to other peoples’ faiths. If they decide that they want to pray to the Raptor Jesus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, then that’s there’s prerogative. If they decide that they’re going to work in the astral plane, so be it. If they decide that they’re going to turn away from one faith to join another, then that’s fine as well. I may not agree with the choices of the people in question, but it isn’t my place to judge. It isn’t my place to force. It is my place to be supportive and tolerant of what other people believe. And in the two cases I’ve mentioned, neither of these women were doing that. And that’s when my biscuits get a-burning.

At first, for both of these cases, I made excuses for the people in question.

The first instance with the woman who wanted to decide what the Sister’s path was going to be, she was at a loss for control in her life. The only form she felt that she could take was in throwing her influence around and trying to craft something that wasn’t hers to craft. Psychologically, I can understand the viewpoint here and that’s where the excusing of the behavior comes in. Since I could see what it was that caused her to be that way, I let the Sister and myself (to some extent) deal with it. But, I’ve recently started thinking about boundary making. And in this particular case, I was wrong to let this toxic person try to influence something that wasn’t hers to influence or create. I have learned this particular lesson, especially in regards to my active tolerance towards others and others’ belief systems. It is not my place to try and craft something that is not mine to create. It is my place to hold hands, to offer advice, and to be willing to listen should someone need an ear.

The second instance with the woman who grew angry and frustrated when her information was “misused,” I also made excuses for the person. I didn’t know her nearly as well as the first, but I tended to just assume it was her caustic nature. I let it happen. I watched as she bullied and nastied her way through the newbies and made excuses for her when I felt the excuses were necessary, in the hopes that the newbies wouldn’t walk away. I was wrong in this, too, because there is never a reason to bully new people who are asking questions. They may seem silly or stupid, but that’s not right. It isn’t right when the bullying is then turned to me, someone older and possibly wiser, because the information given created something that I firmly believe in. I’m willing and able to make changes to that particular aspect to my belief system, if the need and desire arises, but there is no need to bully someone because you gave the information, willingly, and then disliked how it was utilized. If someone doesn’t like how the information is used to create something new, then perhaps, they shouldn’t be willing to help out in the first place.

This particular nazi is still out and about (although the second has since lost touch with the pagan community). I’ve seen her bully others because she thinks that her way is the only way. But, I’m done thinking that this is just “her nature.” That may in fact be true, but again, I’ve discovered the whole boundaries thing. And toxic people have no bearing on who I am or what I practice and never should have. I appreciate what she’s given me because it helped me figure some major shit out, but there’s no need to bully others for it. If it comes down to it and she really wants her way to be the only way, then she should start her own temple.

The thing with religion nazis is that they are out and about in every major religion. You can see them at work in Islam, Christianity, and the various pagan sects that are out there. Invariably, you will probably meet one, either from your own religious background or from another religious background. In either case, you can do one of two things in this case. You can either make excuses for the person in question and just let them bulldoze you. Or, you can realize that these type of people are toxic and no good for you. And that it’s time to set up some firm, strong boundaries and move on with your life.

Because you’re better than the people who would force you into something you’re not comfortable with.

Relevant Posts

1. My Views on Intolerance.
2. Toxicity.