Kemetic Round Table: The Mysterious Godphone!

The Kemetic Round Table (KRT) is a blogging project aimed at providing practical, useful information for modern Kemetic religious practitioners. For all the entries relating to this particular topic, take a peek here!

The amount of times that I’ve seen someone reach out, in desperation, asking about godphones is enlightening. It leads me to believe that many newbies enter into their chosen paths with this intense desire to have one. I honestly suspect that newbies seems to think that the ultimate culmination in a fulfilling and intensely personal devotional relationship is the ability to hear their deity clearly and concisely on a regular basis. Considering all of the myriad of things that can go into a devotional relationship and considering all of the different little side paths that relationship can wander down, I honestly have to wonder if maybe the focus on the godphone thing is a good idea. I mean, of all the things to aspire to, newbies want to talk to their gods on a regular basis and hear things back? Just from an outsider’s perspective that may sound kind of silly. From an insider’s perspective, I have to admit, it still sounds pretty foolish.

And to be perfectly frank, I wouldn’t ever think that the ultimate culmination in a devotional relationship has anything to do with hearing the gods, but has to do with feeling as though you are doing it right. But, that’s just me; people often tell me that my opinion on various subjects isn’t exactly mainstream or normal.

If only it were as simple as dialing a number…

For those not in the know, the godphone is exactly what it sounds like: it is the ability to have open lines of communication between yourself and your deity. The phrase, “godphone,” actually began its life as a joke, but has since metamorphosed into the thing seen today: the intense and earnest desire to be able to communicate with the gods on a regular basis. As with all forms of titles and linguistics, aspects to its original definition (in this case, a trait specific to individuals who were capable of communicating regularly with their gods) have since changed to encompass the heart-wrenching cries from the neophytes for some sign from their gods (in this case, the desire to be able to communicate regularly with the gods).

It honestly astounds me with how many people have posts running around, specifically on Tumblr, discussing the desire for one. It honestly goes to show that the desire to have that personal relationship with the gods appears to be universal, no matter what type of path one may be on. It also goes to show that my suspicions regarding Christianity and the lack of ability to have that kind of personal relationship is possibly why so many people are converting to other forms of religious traditions. Be that as it may, and my suspicions have no bearing on anything, the godphone phenomena is picking up speed and there are no breaks on this particular crazy train…

Having a godphone is incredibly painful, incredibly difficult, and can open a giant can of worms for those afflicted. Of course, outsiders, who are very busy looking in without knowing the specific nuances of the relationships they’re stealing peeks into, are just going to assume that we’re bitching and moaning. The thing is that having a godphone can lead to a lot of doubt, a lot of issues, and a lot of hemming and hawing over your own grip on sanity. These are aspects, though, that most people aren’t going to take into consideration if they’re looking in. All they see is the glitz and glamor of being able to communicate regularly with the gods; they’re not going to take into consideration what those messages may contain or even what those messages may mean to the person who is receiving them.

This is actually what it’s like more often than not.

As someone with a godphone, I can tell you just how much I doubt my sanity – daily. Every morning, I wake up after having had some intense dreams or experiences with various netjeru and I have to wonder if I’m making it all up. Just because there is historical contexts for communication via dreams, especially within the ancient Egyptian religion, doesn’t matter much to me. Historical information is well and fine, but I have to wonder if the ancient Egyptian priests or the people of ancient Egypt who did dream divination in their temple of choice ever had moments where the gods told them, “do the shadow work or your life is forfeit,” or “I need you to kill this spirit for me in as painful a way as humanly possible and no, I’m not going to tell you why,” or “Can you please just shut the fuck up about how much you hurt and kneel on this stone floor for months on end without me telling you why you’re doing this?”

Something tells me that my godphone-like experiences and their godphone-like experiences are two aspects of a single spectrum… with a huge fucking brick wall in the middle.

What makes it worse are the glimmers of feelings that I get regarding something.

I can go for days with this intense need to go and sit on the lawn, for example, for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And if I don’t do it, then I start to get really fucking bitchy and annoying to those around me because I have this inexplicable fucking desire to SIT ON A LAWN FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER (and no, it couldn’t possibly be my lawn because that makes sense) and it won’t go away until I finally do it. And of course, it’s only as I do it that I realize that this is some weird act of devotion to –insert deity here–. Or, the really fun part where I have incredibly random song lyrics stuck in my head on endless repeat until I figure out the meaning behind such things.

And of course, we can’t possibly forget those intense moments where I am sitting in a slightly meditative state and I have actual conversations with the deity in question.

This is all just so joyful.

I know, I know. I’m sounding about as bitter as I probably feel. And I really do apologize for anyone who came into this entry, hoping for something that wasn’t bitter. I can’t help that there are moments where I honestly have to wonder if this is even worth it. Like, is this helping me at all? I don’t think so, but I can’t know that because I have a godphone and it works. So, I can only wonder if the grass is really greener on the other side and of course, those without are just assuming that the grass really is greener on the other side.

But how do I live with it and still manage to live my life?

In all honesty, I tend to ignore things a lot. While the gods may think that whatever message they’re pushing on me is important, I have things to do like pay the bills, tuck in my son, walk my dog, and any other random and mundane things. The gods’ time lines and my time line may not exactly add up, which is quite possibly why I can get so bitchy about not understanding the message or feelings that I am receiving. Whatever the case may be, I just continue to do my regular and mundane thing, hoping that at some point in the future, it will become clear.

And if it doesn’t become clear to me in what I feel is a timely manner, then it’s a back burner kind of thing. If it’s not important enough for the gods to tell me in a way that I would clearly and truly understand on the first try, then it’s something that I will pull out and mull over when I have a free moment or three to do so. However, if they feel like using some form of confusing hand gesture or Wing Ding to communicate with me, then they’ll just have to be patient with me.

The thing about godphones, too, that many people don’t seem to understand is that they arne’t always reliable. Things happen and life happens, which can cause “reception” to go down. It’s very much, in my experience, like a bad cell phone connection: the call is crackling, words are echoing, and there are whole aspects to the conversation that you’re missing out on because it went silent for about 30 seconds. The cell phone companies may go on about “better and more reliable networks” but the gods haven’t upgraded, in my opinion. There are still long stretches of time where I have to hope that I’m getting the message down properly.

This is, honestly, why I will put off things for as long as I do. I like to be sure that the intense desire, for example, to randomly sit on some stranger’s lawn is because an OTHER™ is telling me to do it versus, I just think that they are telling me to do it. When it comes to godphones, discernment is important. And maybe, the message came in all garbled. Perhaps there is more to all of this than just sitting on a lawn: maybe I was given specific instructions, but the message came through on such a shitty connection that all I am getting is the need to sit on some random person’s lawn.

If the feeling goes on long enough, I assume that I’m either losing my marbles or it’s time to sit down on some random person’s lawn, hoping that I’ll get something in return for all of it. Unfortunately, usually it’s more garbled messages that I have to parse out on my own.

I think, though, that the one thing most people without a godphone just don’t take into consideration – even with all the other things I’ve listed here – is that it can and will go down, for no reason. Phone lines go down fairly often enough. Usually, the actual lines themselves won’t go down but there will be an issue on the carrier level that prevents calls from connecting properly or at all. In this technical (and possibly boring) metaphor, we can make the correlation that the same thing can and will happen to those with godphones – and then where will you be after having been informed that you really need to rely entirely on your godphone?

Nowhere.

Godphones are capricious things, in my experience. I mean, just look at it from here:

1. Not everyone has one.
2. Not everyone has them utilized in the same way.
3. Not everyone can confirm others’ godphone-ing.
4. Not everyone can use theirs all the time.
5. Not everyone has clear reception.
6. Not everyone hears the godphone in the same way.
7. Not everyone can use the godphone regularly.

These are all things that I’ve mentioned and discussed in this very entry. Based on this list, it looks like godphones are not really an effective form of communication when it comes to devotional relationships. But again, that’s just me! Outsiders are always going to formulate an opinion on something they have no experience with based on minute glimpses into what seems like the “promised land” or, on the flip side, what seems like “a bunch of bullshit.”

When my godphone starts acting up, I honestly just enjoy the respite.

After months and months of having intense and regular communication with the netjeru, sometimes I need a break. And I would like to assume that they need a break from me. You can’t always be in the presence of your family, your friends, or your partner, can you? Possibly not without wanting to kill any of the above mentioned. I would assume that it’s the same for the gods with their godphone-enabled devotees. And possibly even the same when it comes to those devotees with their godphone-enabled. I mean, I can tell you that there are long moments where I would very much like a break, need a break, and damn it, Sekhmet, just shut up for five minutes okay?

This is what it used to be like before I discovered that I have the godphone.

I can remember when my godphone wasn’t very active. It was always there since, I feel, it’s something that you either have or you do not, but not having it turned “on” all the time made my life much easier. I didn’t doubt myself as much and I didn’t worry as much about what I was seeing/being asked to do/thinking about/feeling the need to do. Since I didn’t need to rely on this internal thing that allowed me to have these conversations and nudges, I often checked in with Tarot cards or oracle decks, hoping that what I was doing was all right.

And since divination is an imperfect science, it meant that I was left frustrated and angry because I couldn’t hear what the fuck they were trying to tell me. I could only hope that I was interpreting what I was seeing properly. But even with that frustration in the background, it was still easier. Even if I was completely misinterpreting whatever the hell the cards were telling me – and I had on quite a few occasions – I was still able to go back and check either with another deck or with another user of divination at some later date in time.

Without the godphone, I was always able to double and triple check myself; I could confirm what was being said or done or seen in the cards. Confirmation via the cards now is iffy at best since I’ve been told, repeatedly, that relying on “outdated communication is no longer necessary.” Too often, I spend hours trying to figure out why the hell that card is in the same reading as this other card and… well, it’s just not working out as well for me now that I have the ability to communicate “regularly.”

There are days, and I’ll admit that it’s at least weekly, that I miss the simplicity of divination to figure out what in the world is happening in my devotional relationships.

Further Reading

1. The Godphone
2. Entries Tagged “Godphone” by Devo
3. What is a Godphone? by Del
4. The Godphone Thing by Alex
5. GLE on Godphones
6. Godphones and Godspouses at Adventures in Vanaheim
7. Everywhere a Godphone by Myriad
8. Discernment by Devo

The Godphone.

I have long days where I come home from work, sit down, and peruse Tumblr. Actually, I spend a lot of time perusing Tumblr. I end up trying to follow the threads of conversations that I miss throughout the day. I don’t tend to speak up regarding things a lot of the time because I can (and do) come off as fairly gruff. There are times where I actually mean to be that much of an asshole and other times when I really don’t. But, to be honest, a lot of the reason why I keep my trap shut is because I don’t necessarily agree with anyone who has weighed in on a hot topic and just don’t have the spoons to discuss it with anyone. But, there’s been this ongoing debate, jumping from highly intelligent to the overwhelmingly stupid, regarding the concept of the “godphone.” While I don’t deny that I have one or that having one is really all that it’s cracked up to be, I’m utterly mystified by some peoples’ views on those of us who have them. It’s like… sometimes, I feel like the people without see us as some trendy club or clique that gets into all the ritzy places without paying a cover charge and they seethe inwardly in jealousy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole thing about having a godphone.

And you know, I have to tell you that it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know if the reason why I think it’s horrible is the same as other people. And frankly, I don’t care if other people agree with me. I can tell you why I think it sucks the biggest, fattest, hairiest, old toe you ever laid your eyes on. I think it sucks because it makes me doubt my sanity every day. It’s not the interruptions on a daily basis by beings from elsewhere. It’s not the fact that I feel a need to do this thing and to do it right this second that makes this the worst thing imaginable. It has to do with the intense conversations that end up happening in whatever little space within me or outside of me (whichever) that makes me think I am one thousand percent insane. It’s like hearing voices or seeing things and no one else can verify these things and you are just trying to get through your really crappy, mediocre life and then it’s coupled with all this extra.

Every morning, in some capacity, I assure myself that I am delusional and making shit up.

And every night, I come home and I feel really badly for thinking that way.

Every morning, I tell myself that I won’t have any conversations with anyone or anything about anyone or anything.

And every night, I find myself a complete liar because I was so busy chatting it up with insert deity on my ride into work.

Every morning, in some capacity, I explain to myself that I am going to pray to the gods and not listen for a response.

And every night, I come home and cry because I failed whatever I have told myself and made me doubt my sanity that much more.

I remember the days when I wanted a godphone. I laugh to myself about them now. Those days when I was really new and just really wanted to hear my gods for once, for a single second. Those days weren’t all that long ago. I can remember despairing heavily about ever hearing them. I can remember the days when I stared at the computer screen, moodily, as I read forum entry after blog entry about people who could talk to their gods. I remember every aspect of that jealousy and how much it ate me raw. I used whatever I could in an effort to get through to my gods and to try and hear them. Part of the reason I have as many [currently] unused Tarot decks as I do now is because I needed them to try and get glimmers into what certain deities wanted. I don’t need them as much anymore, obviously, but I can still remember staring at the cards in frustration and angst while I hoped beyond hope that one day, I would hear something more than an intuitive thought or a feeling. I remember those days and frankly, I miss them a lot. I look back at those days and I think to myself now, what the fuck were you thinking?

As each day passes and I fail at something that I tell myself I’m going to do relating to the mythic godphone, I end up thinking back to those days from not that long ago. And I remember how it felt to just sit around and angst. I do the same thing now. Nothing has really changed with this magical “fix it” that I saw others having. In fact, I think that there are things that are worse now. I’m so sure that I’m delusional that I’ve seriously considered just committing myself into an institution. There are other days where I don’t say a damn word to anyone about anything for fear that they’ll suddenly see a message on my forehead that says, “CRAY-CRAY.”

But as I’ve sat around and read the posts of people with godphones and those without, I’ve come to conclude that maybe having one isn’t really all that great for other reasons too. The fact that we can listen and know what the gods want at any given moment can be kind of shitty sometimes. We know what they want and so we kind of lose the soft side we had to our religion, way back in the beginning. While there was a lot of crying and harrumphing in the beginning, as there is still some now, it felt like my religion was much more… pure, maybe, or at least interesting to me on some level because there was always something else around the corner. It was exhilarating because I never really knew if I was doing what the gods wanted. I hoped so and with each passing day that I wasn’t struck down with a crippling depression or a cripple fallow time then I knew I was doing something right, somewhere. Now, it’s not that I don’t get a fallow time but that I don’t even get a break. I get dreams, I get conversations, and I get fully bodied apparitions (I guess). I get the whole fucking you-be-crazy package. And with that package, things don’t feel as good anymore as they use to do.

I’ve thought, seriously, about shutting the whole fucking thing down. I turned it on, somehow, so maybe I could close the door?

I’ve read entries, though, where people have said that’s not a viable option. I believe it was Scylla who said that once you open that door up then there’s no way to shut it. I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing and I’m almost positive I’m doing a shitty job at that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But, I think back to those comments, not just from her but from others as well, and I think, “Well, why not? I can shut my front door and lock it. I could maybe do the same thing here.”

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the conversations I have on my ride into work with the gods. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the moments in the Lake of Fire with Sekhmet or the Duat with Anup or anything. Those times together are very nice and precious. But, I honestly worry that not only is this screwing with my head and with my sanity, but I’m also pretty sure it’s pushing my practice into a direction I don’t want to go. I’m not sure what the gods believe this is going to do for me. I don’t even really think that I want to know what all of this stuff is supposed to be doing for me. All I know is that I’m almost positive I don’t want to head in that direction anymore. With each new conversation, each new visit, each new godphone experience, I begin to fear a little bit more about what it all means and what the whole purpose is.

I got what I wanted way back when but I have to ask if it’s even worth it anymore.

And I don’t think it really is.

Let Us Be Silent, That We May Hear the Whispers of the Gods.

Note: The above title is taken from a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

This morning, I woke up with a mission in my head. I had gone to the astral – as I have been for the last few weeks – in search of something. Somehow, my astral self ended up in front of a god who is not mine and will never be mine. This god requested that I reach out to a follower of theirs and just saying, “X told me to find you.” That was the mission. That was the entirety of what this god wanted and I completed this mission. However, this makes me intensely sad in a way that I can’t begin to fathom. I woke up with the mission – knowing that I would do it – in my brain and knowing that this changes something somewhere. This means a lot of things but what irritates me the most is that this god, knowing I would not want to do this but would do it anyway, used my kindness against me.

This is part of the reason why I don’t work with that particular pantheon. From what I have seen from other polytheists, they are not above taking advantage of a person to get what they want from that person.

This was me, this morning.

I know that my gods – my Kemetic pantheon – are not above doing this, either. I also know that each god begins forging a relationship with us pissant little pipsqueaks for all their own reasons. I know why Sekhmet is here. I know why Aset is here. I know why Djehuti is here. I know why Hetheru is here. I know why Bes is here. However, while I may not particularly like what it is they may want of me and while I may kick and scream all the time about it, I still end up doing those things. Their purpose in my life – outside of Djehuti’s intense desire to get me to start writing again – are for things that are necessary to who I am, to who I will be, and what my purpose in this life is for. They are very, very open about that…

… now.

Even a few months ago, I would have still been guessing as to what their overall purposes in my life would be. But, it’s as though I’ve turned a corner or perhaps just because more mature on the subject matter. Whatever the actual reason is, I’ve passed something or surpassed an unknown point and they’re more likely to fill me in. Maybe it’s just because I have dedicated myself to them and to their vision of what I should be so much that they know that, as much as I may piss and moan about it that I will still end up doing it because I am aware of the Bigger Picture. Whatever their reasoning is, they will tell me, either in that moment or some time later, and I trust in that.

However, when a god outside of my pantheon requests something from me and I don’t know the reason why, I get more than a little pissed off. I get upset and irritated and very, very sad. It makes me feel used in a way that anyone who has ever been used by a god or by a human being should understand. It makes me feel like the person I actually am – not the loud-mouthed, fast-talking Leo, but the person afflicted with a Gemini moon – is something that other gods look down on, snort about, and will make use of just because they know that I will not say no.

This is the point where my friends who astral regularly will say, “You can always say no.” Or they will say, “grow a thicker skin.” And I’m just… I can’t really convey how not like that I am. I’m actually really quiet, shy, and introverted. I don’t view the astral as they do, in any way. One tends to view it as a home away from home, so to speak, and the other tends to view it as a cray-cray place with things that are even more cray-cray than the place itself. (I’m generalizing so that I don’t say too much about really great friends and make them feel like I’m shitting on them while also trying to keep their astral lives private.) I don’t see it as a cray-cray place with things that are insane – I see it as a scary place that I have to go to in order to find that thing I’m looking for. I don’t view it as a home away from home – I view it as a viper-infested pit, trying to suck me into it.

Ask anyone who I have had a real conversation with and they will tell you that I went into the astral, kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to open up that can of worms. I had no choice, as last night’s revelations have made me realized (revelations prior to god asking me for my messenger ability), but that doesn’t necessarily mean I like it. I do not want to live there. I do not want to be there. All I want is to find what I’ve been looking for in the last few months, do what I need to with that thing, and then move on with my life. My next problem being, you know, that since the door is open, it will be 10x harder to shut now, if impossible.

As my friends will point out – and anyone else who is reading this – they will remind me that I can say no, and vehemently. As I have said in the past: It is just fine to say no to a god. I absolutely agree, but I’m that jerk face who will give you everything I have in order to make you happy, to the point where I will actively begin sacrificing myself before realizing that there is something wrong here. Let me put it to you this way: it wasn’t until my past employer asked me to break federal law that I realized that the job was killing me and I should probably begin job hunting. (And not even a few days later, they fired me so, ha!) I am that asshole who would willingly jump into a vat of acid for anyone. I may say mean things, I may be acerbic, but generally, I’m willing to sacrifice the core person who qualifies as “Satsekhem” for other peoples’ happiness.

Surprise.

In same vein, I end up wearing my fucking heart on my sleeve, either here or in the astral, and everyone can see what exactly they need to do in order to get me to the point where I will do whatever they want. The god, as mentioned above, probably didn’t have to look too hard. In fact, he was probably purposely searching for me to do his messenger bit, knowing just what makes me tick. And I did it. And I’m sitting here, drinking my morning coffee, trying to not to cry because there’s now a whole new group of people that I don’t want to have anything to do with who can and will take advantage of my nature.

What makes this even worse are two things.

My gods will not prevent this from happening. That’s the lesson. I have to learn it. Sekhmet flat out said that I had the option to say no but didn’t. And while she understands the kind of person I am, as she explained to me earlier, that is one of the things that they’re trying to help me out with and it’s time to buck up and get working on that.

I am actually a Leo, through and through, but it’s because of other things that few people know about me that have caused me to be like this. The person I am supposed to be – the one the gods I have are working towards – is supposed to be very akin to Sekhmet. But right now, other aspects of myself are at the surface and there’s nothing I can do about it until I complete more shadow work and complete yet more execrations.

And in the mean time, I’m going to be taken advantage of and I have no way to prevent it.

So, the moral of the story is that if you are a nice, kind, give-the-shirt-off-your-back person, don’t go to the astral.

You Fail Only If You Stop Writing.

Note: Title is a quote from Ray Bradbury.

This morning, I woke up to Djehuti, pleasantly waiting for me to wake up. I stared for a minute and then went about my business, trying to screw my head on straight enough to remember that it’s Friday and that offerings need to happen. Then he waited, just as pleasantly and just as patiently, for me to be awake enough to hear him. He was wearing a three-piece suit, charcoal gray. In the pocket was a celadon green handkerchief, perfectly turned into a triangle and standing straight up. His characteristic walking stick – an item he has done tap routines with when he’s trying to either cheer me up or troll me as his predecessor – was conspicuously missing. He had his ibis head in place instead of the perfectly coiffed middle aged man he has shown me once or twice. He waited long enough before speaking.

“You need to write today. You did not write yesterday,” he says softly.

I close my eyes, standing in front of my coffee maker. My shoulders are slumped, my body is stiff. I am not awake enough for this. “I have nothing to say. I am spent,” I explained.

He shakes his head and offers me a polite laugh. “No, no. You have spoons. It is the morning and that was the deal.”

“I’m taking a break. I’ve written every day in some form or another for nearly two weeks. My spoons–”

“I can see that you have them. You’re hoarding them.”

“I have every right to do so,” I snap.

He shakes his head again. He’s trying to play the roll of guru here, like Papa Legba. “You hoard your spoons and say you have no more. But you have plenty. They are all hiding behind your back, waiting for the choice moment to be pulled forward for use. You are not hoarding spoons and living in ma’at. You are wasting spoons.”

I stare at him, trying to figure out why I ever thought lying to a god was a good idea. “I don’t–” I stop because lying more will only make this worse. “I have nothing to say. I don’t want to write about sacred jewelry.”

He tsks at me. “You always seem to think that when I tell you to write now that I am talking about your blog. I never mentioned where to write, did I?”

I scowl at him and he walks away.

One of the things I wasn’t prepared for was a god coming down from wherever they live when they’re not with us and telling me “to write.” This is partly why I’ve always tried to dodge Djehuti. I have been able to work, occasionally, with Seshat without much heartache or headache. I request her assistance when a point I’m trying to make is incredibly sticky or not fully formed. She is very helpful in that regard, but I’ve always pushed her further back because I didn’t want this to happen. I need not have worried about it, evidently, because as much dodging as I have been doing, it was still only a matter of time before Djehuti showed up.

I used to spend days, nights, and afternoons thinking about what it would be like to be a writer. The form of what I would write has always changed. I have an entire novel that could be classified as urban fantasy, I suppose, but it’s my first full-length novel. It’s choppy and hurried in some places, or at least, that’s how it comes off to me. The worst part about being a writer is if you have that perfectionist gene about it. And I, unfortunately, do. I’ve gotten criticism from my personal clique community and some of my friends. After that, I just stopped writing. Just because I ask for criticism doesn’t mean I can handle criticism. And unfortunately, I am a Leo so no matter how much I go on about how human I am or how I am liable to fuck some shit up because, you know, human and all, I am a Leo first. And all Leos have egos the size of the universe and they think they can do no wrong. CONSCIOUSLY, I know I can do wrong and hurry a novel so I can finish fucking writing it but SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I think I’m perfect and it sounds fantastic.

This is only borne out in how I will go back through stories I wrote in high school and marvel at how creative I am. (And never mind if the stories are any good.)

But the reality is that I wrote a novel about urban fantasy or paranormal whatsit because it’s the in thing to do. I wrote it because I could and because I’ve always wanted to make vampires that aren’t the standard Dracula fair. I wrote it because I had an idea and it was a good one – really – and I just could. The push when I began that novel was for the paranormal, which is borne out in how popular authors like Carrie Vaughn, Charlaine Harris, Michele Bardsley, MaryJanice Davidson, and Sherrilyn Kenyon are. Look at what that twit who wrote Twilight was able to do with a series of books that details what NOT to do in a relationship, either with a vampire or otherwise. I wrote the book because I could make money, I thought, and that was it.

Money.

I’m an incredibly selfish creature, I think. I wrote something with an idea that I have had in my head regarding vampires since I was 9. (I’m not joking. For the last twenty-one years this idea has been trolling around my head.) I made it a slight reality by trying to write it, but now that I go back over it and I have criticism to feed off of, I know that I can’t go back to that idea. It’s not where the heart lies. My heart has always been with vampires, to an extent, but that’s not where it actually is. Dusken can tell anyone what my soul palace looks like and it’s the soul palace that she went to that would tell anyone what lies so deep within.

But there’s no way, I tell myself, that I could write that.

And yet, Djehuti shows up and he says, “you have to.”

A while back, Adaoineile wrote a piece about the writer and the mythology surrounding what a writer’s lifestyle is. I would look for it, but I’m pressed for time, so if any of my followers can leave a link in the comments, I’d appreciate it. In effect, Eddie was discussing how the lifestyle people oft associate with writers is complete shit. I’ll be frank, I used to think of a writer as a person who sat in front of their computer, playing stupid games on Facebook and drinking a cocktail, muttering, It’s five o’clock somewhere. Neither of these possible interpretations of what the writer’s lifestyle supposedly is sits well with me. I don’t like games and drinking; I don’t like living surrounded by the written word.

But, I’ll admit, there was a time when I wanted either lifestyle.

There are days where I cry to myself because I had a dream and I can’t make it into reality. Responsibility is one of those things that gets in the way. I can’t very well see my dreams take off with all of that responsibility. Thus enters the spoon and its management. I have spoons. I have them in abundance. I’ve been misplacing them lately, using too many at work or hoarding them, as Djehuti pointed out, and never getting around to using them. They sit in their little pouch, ready to be used, and I just leave them there. I come home and I lie on the couch and I sit around, thinking about how I should do many things but don’t bother. I have laundry to do, words to write, things to make, spells to cast, heka to practice and yet… I come home and do nothing.

A slap in the face with reality, so early in the morning, thanks to Djehuti.

There are days where I am supremely grateful for gods and the relationships I’ve been able to cultivate with them. Today… today is not one of those days.

Trickster Deities.

As I’ve said before, I’m a deity collector. I never wanted to be. I remember starting out and being new and excited, but never wanting more than a few relationships with pointed gods, namely the relationship I have with Sekhmet. I never wanted to incorporate anyone else into my practice, in all honesty; I wanted to be a “Sekhmet kid for life.” And while I am that, I have had my “phone number listed.” Due to this, I don’t usually have a lot of choice in whether or not gods come a-calling, although I have a lot of choice in whether or not I allow them to hang about or I actively begin cultivating relationships with them. Here are the stories of two “trickster deities” and my choices therein.

A good year and a half prior to my relationship with Hekate, Hermes had been pulling his King Troll Extraordinaire routine with me. The Sister began working with him in late 2010. Her relationship is exceedingly UPG and one of the items that he had requested of her was to pick up feathers in her path. Now, normally, feathers aren’t a huge omen thing as birds are, well, everywhere. However, this girl finds the most random feathers in her path at times of the year when such feathers should not be out and about. Around the time she began this little exercise, he began sending me feathers here and there. Now, I knew it was just a game to him – I would go over to her home and pay my respects to her Hermes altar, “hear” things from him on her behalf, and whatnot. But even with all that communication going on, I was always very sure to tell him, “Thank you but no. I am a solid Kemetic.” Er, well, if we ignore the whole lwa thing.

I think he started really trolling me because he found my stance in regards to Hellenic deities to be amusing. I am not a fan of theirs. When I began working with Hekate, it took me a lot less time than I had expected to get used to the difference in “godphone frequencies.” This, however, opened me up to more trolling from Hermes. The moment I put up an altar for the working I would do with Hekate, he began coming over on a fairly regular basis.

Now, while he has a lot of serious qualities, the Hermes I tended to see and hear was not very serious at all. It’s all a game to him, really, with me. “Let’s see what she does this time,” sort of a thing. I tend to view it as a child’s desire for attention, meaning that they will do both good things and bad things to gain that attention. In Hermes’s mind and my own, I began to see what he would do to me as a kind of “any attention is good attention.” So, when he began ice-skating around my house or tap-dancing in my kitchen screaming, “tea for two, two for tea,” I did my best to ignore it.

One would assume that with a god making themselves known like this then the next step would be to cultivate a relationship. And in some instances, I have to agree. However, not in my instances. When it was recommended that I begin working with Persephone for other shadow work items, I refused. When Hermes showed up with messages from Athena, I said no. It’s not that I am offering them disrespect – in a way, I am very much flattered by the willingness of these deities to work with me. However, Hellenic deities and I are not a matched pair. I have never had a thing for deities outside of the Kemetic pantheon, even as a child, aside from a very serious and odd obsession with deities of death, tricksters, and destructive deities. Even with my desires to know more about these types of deities, I still prohibit myself within my pantheon.

Er. Aside from the lwa thing.

After I refused Athena and Hekate packed up, I can honestly say that Hermes’s influence in my life has faded. Even when speaking about him with the Sister, he has not shown up. There have been no feathers in my path. I have not seen him ice-skating around my house, I have not lost my keys from the hook they hang on, and I can honestly say that I believe his trolling behavior is at an end.

Of course, this whole path stuff isn’t so easy as “farewell.” Oh, no, no, no. Just because one trickster leaves does not mean that another one won’t show up.

Towards the end of King Troll Extraordinaire’s reign in my life, I began getting extensive “feels” from Djehuti. One would assume that I would know a thing or three about him. As a deity whose epithets include who gave words and writing, lord of writing, mighty in his words, and lord of speech, one would almost assume that he would have been a patron of mine – regarding my lackluster writing “career” – already at this point. However, I was very serious when I mentioned above that I wanted only to be in a relationship with Sekhmet. I didn’t seek him out because, in all honesty, I held more to a “muses inspire” paradigm in my writing than anything else. Since his appearance in my life, I’ve obviously and rapidly begun to amend my thoughts on this matter.

At the end of February, I began getting nearly daily calls from a “pay us $500 to publish your stuff” place that I had never heard of. It’s possible I signed up for this stuff when I was still living at my in-laws’ home, however the fact that the calls began around the time I noticed I had begun surrounding my Tumblr persona with Djehuti kids began to make me go, “hm.” Around that time, my daily rune began to make me ask questions and when someone very helpfully did a supplementary reading, it was entirely around “writing.” Okay. Well, that’s just coincidence… until another friend of mine wrote about how I needed to start writing books beyond the 101 in the areas of voodoo and Kemeticism and everywhere in between. And that’s about the time that I had the light click on.

If anyone can assist me in naming the source, I would greatly appreciate it.

The solid moment when I knew I couldn’t quite ignore him anymore was when I saw the image to the left. I had tried something a little different in my daily routine since I had issues with spoon management and being allowed to blog. I had asked for his input on Tumblr, gone into the Sekhmet tag, and found the image as shown. (It wasn’t sourced on Tumblr and I don’t honestly know how to do the reverse source thingamajig.) Anyway, when I saw this, it really spoke to me. I can’t quite say if this image is trying to tell me anything more than Sekhmet wants him around for me or if there’s more to it than that. It doesn’t really matter, he’s here and I’ve accepted that… or as much as a person like me can accept such things.

I have to admit that when it has come to working with other gods, I often will refuse a time or twenty before I finally give in. The differences here aren’t just about the pantheons specific to each deity, but also about the roll they would have in my life. While I may not have spelled it out, my relationship with Hermes would be about cooling off, calming down, and more frenetic. It would also be inherently specific to his messenger service. As he did with Athena, I knew that embracing him in my life would leave me open for all manner of other Hellenic deities. And that is not something I can or will accept. I have a love-hate relationship with most Hellenic deities – for UPG reasons – and besides, Sekhmet has never lifted her “no Mediterranean pantheons” restriction from me.

As far as Djehuti is concerned, while I know he has trickster aspects not just from what he’s done with me but from other followers of his, I also know that he can and will get serious when the time comes. As I don’t know if this is a life-long or just-now type of relationship, I’m in the “wait and see” kind of mode. All I know is that watching an ibis-headed man walk around my apartment in a pinstripe suit, looking about as suave as can be possible, is quite a break from the norm.

Changes Don’t Necessarily Mean a Difference in Season.

Today, while I was cleaning around Aset’s kitchen altar area, I began wondering what I needed to do with the cauldron while I was cleaning. I actually try not to put my sacred items “just anywhere” even if I’m doing a cleaning spree. I tend to try to make sure that the space I put their items on is acceptable in some way or another. Usually, I just need to find a space that clean and ready for sacred items for way-station purposes. While musing whether or not leaving it on the counter was an acceptable spot or not, Aset said, Why not place it on Hekate’s altar? It would look lovely over.

I flipped.

At this point, I’m pretty much waiting for all of my OTHERS™ to leave me. Considering my work space being incredibly Christian in its background, I can’t really do the things that I would like to do in order to feel more connected with my deities. I have some ninja ideas to make my desk acceptable to my various OTHERS™ and some action items, such as stretches or barre maneuvers, but I also share my office with someone who I believe does not like me very much. So, I try to remain quiet and unobtrusive as much as I possibly can until the office I share becomes the office I use by myself. In the mean time, I keep feeling like a complete failure because all I can do is have my jewelry on me every day and by the time I get home from work, I’m too tired to do much more than spend time with my son and relax for the night. So, I’ve been pretty much just assuming that they are going to be leaving me one by one for a HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time.

“What do you mean this cauldron would look lovely over there? Are you telling me that you’re leaving me? I know I haven’t been doing a lot of magic, but I just don’t have the spoons. And we’re supposed to be doing something together, aren’t we? Is the astral stuff really just all we’re about? And don’t you need to be here for me to get a good grasp on that, to walk me through it, and why are you fucking leaving me? You just got here.”

I received a lot of giggles in response as I dutifully brought the cauldron across the way to Hekate’s altar. As I placed it down, I knew she wasn’t leaving. I’m a Kemetic gal, after all, other trappings and OTHERS™ be damned. Even if she was going to leave-leave my life, I still had the rest of the netjer about until they all decide to leave me for my [future] HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time. And I could talk to her, anyway, whether she was there or not. But as I was walking back towards her altar, I knew that she wasn’t leaving-leaving.

Okay.

“Well, are you going to do the household deity thing like Hetheru, then? I mean, I can make some room for you up on the half wall. There’s not a lot of space because of that candle and because of the things I’ve accumulated for Hetheru, but you guys can share some things, I guess. And would that be okay, anyway? Would you guys be able to share things because you did the usurping thing? Would that work out well? And can you get along? And why am I asking you, shouldn’t I be asking Hetheru all of these things?”

Instead of just getting a case of the giggles, I had the distinctive image of a very undignified Aset, kicking her feet, howling with laughter, tears streaming down her face.

I backtracked to the very beginning of the conversation, how she had made it apparent that the cast-iron monstrosity that is my cauldron would look very nice on Hekate’s altar. The answer was there, maybe, and I was just freaking the hell out because I’ve been two steps away from panic attacks pretty much since two weeks into going back to work. So, I sorted it all out and back and back and back again. And that’s when I realized that Hekate’s presence had been minimal, at best, for the last few weeks. I had chalked it up to the THEY ARE ALL LEAVING thing but she doesn’t have much point in hanging around…

I’ve taken care of all of the astral shenans necessary to move forward on my “magical cure search.” I’ve been entirely finished with all the aspects Hekate was going to be working with me for some time now. I just have a few last minute things to wrap up – namely blog entry related – and then a huge fucking cord-cutting rite that I’ve been planning since I realized I was that fucking done with the ex-husband things. And after that, most of the shadow work I’m planning on working through are inherently personal and while a woman wronged has happened in those instances, not in the very instances that really scream Hekate. It makes sense that she would help me destroy a tie that we had together especially considering the help she gave to me in one of my past lives. But the rest of this stuff that I need to work with are specifically death-related or specifically Eye of Re-related.

So, she’s stepping out. Moving on. Working with others.

I honestly don’t know how to handle this, either. Do I keep her altar as is until the cord-cutting rite is completed? Do I just start appropriating it for something else? Do I move Aset over there now? I honestly have a hard time letting go and saying good-bye. I don’t really know how to do that well, which isn’t all that surprising. Considering all of the shadow work I’m having to do pretty much comes down to “not saying a proper good riddance” or “failure to say good-bye properly,” this makes sense.

So, how do you say farewell to a deity whom you no longer need?

Religiously Nourished, But Not Spiritually Nourished.

I’ve had a lot of weird thoughts lately, none of which even compare to the conversation I had with Hekate last night. After my last post, I decided I should sit down with her. It was a feeling, coupled with just this impressive need to commune with a deity. I think this is a normal feeling for most practicing polytheists; this indescribable need to just feel connected to something bigger, badder, and more impressive than you. I think humans need this – which could explain why religions are so very important to us in some aspects – and that’s where this stems from. But, also, I’ve had a couple of hits the last few days on the religious front that made me sit back and go, Hm. I need to talk to Hekate about some things. While some of the bigger things we could have discussed didn’t come up, something bigger and more important came up.

Religiously nourished, she says, but not spiritually.

I found this really fucking hilarious since, earlier, a meme had gone around Tumblr that I had commented on as well as watched the comments from my dash pile up on. For those not willing to click the link, there’s a picture there that says, “Religion is for people afraid of going to hell; Spirituality is for people who have already been there.” I mean, I get the point behind this particular meme. There’s been a lot of talk (and no, I’m not linking because I’m lazy and this is about me, after all) about how there are some polytheists and pagans who are either “religious,” “religious and spiritual,” or “spiritual, not religious.” I firmly fall into the first category. I am definitely religious and have defined myself as such to outsiders so that, when they try to having a pissing contest over who is the most religious, I can clearly say, “Hey, I have religion too even if you don’t understand what I’m referring to.” But I’ve nearly really referred to myself as “spiritual” in a serious sense and I’ve never really thought about my spiritual nourishment, or lack thereof, prior to this moment.

…Blog title not withstanding.

I can say that before this very moment, even before this card reading, but definitely before this very second, I never took into consideration that I would need to feed a part of my soul that could, possibly, be starving. I think of myself as a religious person, but not as a spiritual person. I take things and I have melded them all into a practice, but when it comes to the spiritual side of things, I’m a little lax. I figured that if push came to shove, the whole living in ma’at thing would fix that. Or, you know, I could address it a little later down this winding, random, constantly aimlessly searching path.

Nope.

Apparently not.

In effect, when I spoke with Hekate, I was informed that this whole “living in ma’at” search is not really as important as I’ve made it out to be. Oh, she’s proud of the essay I wrote and is gung-ho for part two to come out. (And yes. There will be a part two.) However, that’s a part of my religious upbringing. While it may, at one point in future, correlate with spiritual work and feeding my soul in a way at some later date, right now, my soul is starving. This is, in effect, a very real reason as to why I’m having feelings that don’t quite correlate with reality: dark, deep, depressing, and just nasty feelings when I do feel and then, mindless automaton the rest of the time. And who knows how long this diet of non-spiritual living has been going on? If the feelings I have right now are an indicator, I’d have to assume that this has been an ongoing thing… maybe since “October” since that’s the calendar entry I keep having flash in my mind when I think about this. (Vision? Maybe. Interesting that an exact month keeps popping up when I think about this, though.)

I went back through my calendar just now, to see why “October” would appear. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’m not big on those big neon signs that blink at you. I’m surprised I was able to even derive a general time frame for this spiritual anorexia to begin with. But, I’m beginning to think more clearly about this and I have to wonder if it was possibly around that time that shit began to get real, as they say, with the ex-husband stuff I began working on with Hekate. I was working on other, minor, past life stuff prior to the ex-husband things and I… I wonder if it was possibly around then that I began to work so heavily to please Hekate, to attain what we were discussing, but also to be able to move on, for fuck’s sake. And perhaps it was all of that… maybe, just maybe all of that pushing and shoving to achieve the fucking goal was what tossed me into this lack of spiritual nourishment phase… thing. Whatchamacallit.

So, if it’s not the whole worry about “living in ma’at” that is going to fix this problem, what is?

The overall answers I was given were a little murky. It seems like I should be able to fulfill this nourishment requirement on my own. I have the foundations, but I’m not quite smart enough to see that the foundation is there. When I requested more information, I was given the “motherhood” card as an indicator. Hm. It couldn’t possibly be a signpost that, maybe, being a mom is one of those things spiritually nourish me? I don’t know. I honestly and truly have issues with being a mother some days. I am very insecure, I have very low self-esteem, and I have numerous internal monologues that harp at the things that I think I “do wrong.” Whether or not I am doing it wrong, I don’t know. I don’t exactly have a manual to work off of here. But, this whole mommy thing is supposed to be nourishing. And in a way, I can see that, insecurities notwithstanding. There’s just something about that little boy’s smile or the sleepy way he snuggles up to me in the morning before I leave for work or the studious intent he gets on his face when I’m trying to teach him something… Yeah. I can see that.

But what about the other parts? Mothering isn’t, thankfully, a 24/7 job when you’re a working parent as well. And when he goes to school. So, what do I do in the mean time, in the off moments, at work and everywhere else to keep my soul satisfied?

And there is the rub.

I Didn’t Want to Know This.

I didn’t want to write this post. In fact, the second this happened, I’ve been staying away from the computer almost in its entirety. If I was staying away from the computer, then I didn’t have to work on the entries I have in draft form. If I didn’t have to work on those entries, then I could put off writing this one. However, I knew last night that my time about writing this up was limited. It’s only a matter of time before Hekate comes in and does her version of a HULK-SMASH to get my ass in gear. She tolerates a lot of sass from me (I think she sometimes regrets the relationship we have), but there’s only so much I’m willing to go for. I know better than to piss off someone of her magnitude… says the girl who sasses the hell out of Sekhmet. Heh.

When I got the feeling that I needed to have a sit down with Hekate, I figured she was going to tell me how proud she was that I did the curse. It’s a pretty big step for me. I’ve talked before (in the entry about it and elsewhere) about how I’m not the witchiest person alive. It just seemed like that was the point. But when I finally got around to sitting down with her, she was very gleeful. And very, “take your time, dear; get ready for me.” While the glee made sense – yay, I’m making progress – the whole “take your time, dear” part got me a little worried. This particular feeling regarding the sit down was pressing, but it also wasn’t. Normally, I will put off our sit downs for a week or so before I actually get around to doing it for various reasons. This one was, “now, but take your time,” which was a confusing jumble right there. She told me to make a relaxing cup of tea (I did) and to get the party started (and we did).

That was about the time I sat down for a ride on the NOPETRAIN and haven’t gotten off yet.

The first card pull was the Tree in Fall, the Crescent-Crowned Goddess, and the Words of the Magus. None of these cards were telling me anything particularly easy to identify. And there was a definite “no, this isn’t congratulatory,” feeling going on. Frowning, I looked the meanings behind the cards up, my brow furrowed as I tried to figure this the fuck out. The first card is about the time of releasing that which no longer works. This correlated with the process of me actually going through and doing a curse. And actually, these types of cards have been pretty much staples in our sit downs. That’s the point to what we’re doing together; we’re releasing all the shit that no longer works. However, the second card, the goddess one, is about maintaining the vision with helpful messages from either the dead or oracles.

HUH?

I had received an oracle reading a while back from the friend who helped initiate my relationship with Hekate. In effect, it talked about working with Persephone, which I’ve refused. I don’t work with Greek gods for a reason. If I’m going to be working with gods relating to the dead – and I’m going to have to work on the things with my father, I think – then I’ll seek out alternate, Kemetic sources. But, this didn’t seem like a reiteration of the oracle that I had received a while back. This seemed something different. What the hell were these messages from the dead? Was that to do with my strong, intense feelings of setting up little altars for the Deadz that I encounter? Or am I getting messages and I’m not listening? Or should I sit down at a cemetery and do my Tarot of the Dead stuff again? And what the fuck did this have to do with “maintaining the vision”? WHAT FUCKING VISION? (As I think about this card in more depth, I am beginning to believe it relates to the Fet Gede Tarot Reading I did for myself.)

The final card is all about constant lessons. No matter how advanced you think you are, there will always be more lessons. To me, that was kind of a “no duh.” But, in all honesty, what lessons? Are we talking new lessons? Are we talking old lessons to relearn? WHICH ONES?

So, I pulled a clarification spread for the second card, since this one left me going, “Eh, what not?”

I received the Three Great Realms card, the Voices of the Wind card, and the Elder Staff card.

The first card discussed more depth and connection than what is on the surface. In relation to myself, I think I’ve come a long way and have considerable more depth than I once did. In going through my oldest entries, I still just grin at how completely childish they were. (I know I’m not alone here, either in laughing at myself or in others laughing at themselves in the beginning.) But, I think it also talks less about myself and more about my practice. For years, it was very surface heavy if that makes sense. It’s only been in the last year, with the year that I took off from work, that I’ve been able to make any headway on what I’m looking for and what ideas work for me. It’s only now that I’ve been able to get into the nitty-gritty of my relationship with Sekhmet and see how it really is. (And let me say, awesome, is a piss-poor word, but it’s as good as I can get.) This last year has really shown me how much my religion matters to me and absolutely, how fucking religious I am. I’m well past the surface here.

The second card talks about a higher calling from the outside, worldly hemisphere. This is about the moment when I started thinking, “oh shit; I don’t think I want to know anymore.” This is something that I’ve not really discussed in this blog. I don’t discuss “higher callings” because I’m content with the onion hoeing. I’m always very clear and concise when I give advice or when I’m asking questions. “I’m not a teacher; I don’t really know anything, but this is what I did” or “I’m a layperson, but here’s what worked for me.” As far as I have been concerned, the whole onion hoing has been as far as a higher calling can be. I won’t deny that I have some dreams: books, ideas, temples. They’re pretty big, wide, silly dreams, but they’re dreams. I mean, I have a message on my wall that says, “those who reach, touch the stars.” I don’t reach and I don’t touch the stars. This is because I like the onion hoing but also because I don’t want to fall flat on my face. So, no. There really isn’t much of a higher calling here.

The final card is about helping others and teaching.

Fuck.

But, as she pointed out to me with brain-like screen captures in my head, I’ve been doing this whole thing already, haven’t I? I answer everyone’s ask in my Tumblr inbox as concisely and completely as I possibly can. I have offered advice on numerous occasions to newbs who have asked here, in Email, or in any of the other public fora that I belong to on the Internet. I’ve always maintained that I am here to aid and abet anyone who asks for that help. So, yeah. I guess I’ve been doing it. But, I’ve only been helping others; I haven’t been teaching.

I decided I needed to clarify again, just in case. I received the Broom, the Oak King, and the Hearth. The first card is about rising above all the mundane. The second card is about someone who can aid me in my success. (OH OAK KING. WHERE FOR ART THOU.) And the last card is about community.

Well, shit.

Is that what I’m doing here? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to be taking all of the flock of boating Kemetics and help foster a fucking community? Well… BALLS AND SHRINE BOLTS.

I decided I needed to go for a last ditch effort. If this was something that I’m supposed to be doing, then what areas of expertise do I need to get into? What the fuck is all this community and teaching talk about? I mean, I have varying religious interests here. We have the main movers and shakers in my life in the form of my Kemetic work. However, I also have a pretty big, huge fucking space for the voodoo and Hekate. So, what the hell? This is about the moment that Hekate figured trolling me would get the point across.

The Fates; Oath; Mortar and Pestle; Athame.

Rapidly I asked, “Are you telling me to teach in a general sense?” I pulled The Fates. The point behind the card was not lost on me. Agitated by this response, and the symbolism behind that card, I pulled another card. “Do you mean Kemetism?” Yes. This card was the Oath, which again, there’s a symbolism there. Have I not sworn oaths to my Lady of the Flame? Have I not sworn oaths to that particular path in my life, to always have it as the most important path I follow? Yes and yes. On a whim, I asked, “What about voodoo stuff?” Yes. That one was the Mortar and Pestle. The symbolism here is the integration of outside elements (voodoo and Kemetism) to create a single substance (my practice.) If it wasn’t for voodoo, I wouldn’t have a Kemetic practice today. I was pissed and angry at this point, so I randomly shouted, “DO I TEACH ABOUT YOU TOO?!?!?” And I pulled out a yes with the Athame. Oh, so very funny that her card comes out as the instrument people utilize to focus their witchy intent.

When she started chortling in my head, I walked away and haven’t been back since.

I didn’t want to know this.

Universe is Trollin’ (PBP).

I keep getting trolled by the universe and it’s all the same trolling.

This is the universe.

And this is my face.

What do I mean when I keep telling everyone that the universe is trolling me? Well, you know how you get all of those Internet trolls who are just trying to push your buttons and start things just for the sake of having something to do? You know exactly what I mean if you have been on the Internet for longer than five minutes. Internet Trolls are the bane of the Internet, but sometimes, you get the same kind of thing when it comes to the universe. Sometimes, the universe sits up, notices what you’re doing, and decides to just piss you the fuck off with what you think are extraneous and unrelated topics. In fact, this is far from the truth because the universe is bigger, badder, and older than you are. The topics in question may be pushing your buttons, but they are ultimately related. It’s just a matter of deciding how you handle it.

You can just ignore it.

You can just go with the flow.

Or, you could just do this.

I’m currently at the last option.

After last week’s PBP post, I was kind of not really sure what to do with the information that reading had provided me. I was under a certain impression that X was the cause of the “nefarious deeds” mentioned therein. The problem, however, is that I’ve had a shit-ton of past lives with this guy and in any one of those lives, I could have done something that would come back and bite me in the ass. I decided not to think about it, but you know, this is a post about the universe trolling me. So, you know, as much as I decided that I could get a working done for the here and now, the universe had other plans. First, a quick conversation with a friend of mine who said that “nefarious deeds,” to her, sounded more like stealing a child, murder, and all that fun stuff. A’right. That’s probably more of a past life thing so again, I decided to mull it over in my own time.

UNIVERSE TROLL IS NOT HAPPY. MUST MAKE HER THINK ABOUT THIS NOW.

I sat down with Hekate and was randomly shuffling the cards to figure out what the hell was going on.

The cards are Earth, The Sun, and Astral Body. Oh-ho-ho. Isn’t it just so interesting that I get a card about the astral when I’m busy studiously not thinking about how I should try to travel into the astral and figure out what the hell I did back then to fuck shit up so hardcore now? Yeah, it was really interesting. The reading was, in effect, this is what you do to achieve some goals, doing all of this well help with getting to the next step in your life, and you have to go to the astral to do it. I decided that this wasn’t really what I had to do. This had to do with the here and now, for fuck’s sake. This didn’t have to do with the astral or severing ties: this had to do with what I did to the ex-husband five fucking years ago and not what could have happened between us in any number of past lives we lived together (and possibly died because of each other in).

So, then I did another random shuffle and this is what happened next. I received As Above, So Below, Tree of Fall, and the Three Great Realms cards. In effect, this reading was telling me that what has come before is coming back now. It’s all mirrors, everything is mirrors. I interpreted that to mean that I’ve managed to get away before, but it’s always come back to bite me in the ass although in different ways. I have to shed this stuff because it no longer works. It’s just dead weight and like a tree in the fall, it’s time to get rid of those leaves. And the final card is, in effect, telling me that all dimensions are concerned here. It’s not just what I see and want to be reality here, but that all decisions from my past and in the astral are impacting me right now.

So much for completely ignoring something and coming to conclusions in my own right.

And then my lovely friend who talked to me about “nefarious deeds” decided to do a card reading for me because she is lovely and awesome and have I mentioned lovely? And guess what?

The universe smacked me around with some more stuff. BECAUSE IT IS A TROLL.

I present to you, the universe… again.

This has left me in a very interesting place. The last few nights, I’ve been going to the astral. I don’t know how or anything except that I am going. I have the clear-cut signs of someone completely hungover from a night spent in the astral realm. I don’t remember anything. Last night, however, I went to the room that I associate with my way-station before I head into the astral. Whenever I purposely go there, Mut (who I am thinking is a guide of sorts here) would never show up. I would end up spending hours exploring the room and trying to get a clear picture of the gods on the table in the center of the room or wandering the balcony and wondering when I would get to leave that room.

I was able to leave that room last night.

I was sucked into a mirror. And the last thing I remember is…

Sans unicorn, perfectly accurate representation.

So, as much as there are times when we don’t want to look at the signs and figure out what the hell is going on, no matter how much you shove your head in the sand, it doesn’t matter. The universe is going to troll the fuck out of you until you pull on your big girl (or boy) panties, pack a lunch, and get the fuck out there to figure it out. It’s so much fun when you try to take your normal route – such as hiding your head in the sand as I am wont to do – and the universe drops a whole bunch of truth down your throat and in your face.

Truth bomb, in yo’ face.

Letters to the Gods: Sekhmet.

Dear Sekhmet, The One Who Holds Back Darkness;

Too often, I find myself lost and alone, as if I’ve been wandering the wilderness in search of the rudimentary needs and wants of humanity. It always feels like I’ve been doing this journey, on my own, for so long. And then, comes a time when I realize that as much as I say that I am alone and that I don’t rely on anyone that I remember that I have faith; that I have gods. Sometimes, people will tell me that I am rich in faith and those days, I feel like I know what I’m doing, I know where to turn when things get harsh, get wrong, get bad. But then I have days like today when the sky is akin to how I feel and I end up feeling as though I am lost and alone in an eternity of darkness ahead of me.

My lady, I just… it’s so wrong. I feel like I’ve done the work I was supposed. I feel like the lesson I was supposed to learn in this last year have come and gone. And I know that they are to an extent. I know where I was supposed to head and I’m proud of myself. I came out of that particular haze, knowing where I stand and what things will come and how it is supposed to be. My lady, I know all of these things so deep within my heart that it can hurt sometimes with the profound knowledge it contains. But then, I have days like today where the weather is my mood and my mood is the weather. It’s cold and angry and cloudy and moody. It is all together and I forget to turn…

The thing is that you know the plight. You’ve watched me. We’ve walked together in the sands and we’ve talked; we’ve chatted. I’ve poured my heart out to you. I’ve come to you with my tears and my snot. I’ve come to you with my anger and my rage. I’ve turned to you during all of these days and I often wonder, when will it begin to get together more smoothly? Some days, I cannot help but wonder if I only think that I learned the lessons you had intended for me in this last year and that is why I am constantly back at the crossroads, looking up and down and trying to figure out what I just end up in a giant circle.

Stationary and yet, not.

I turn to you, my lady, to help this burden, to help my burden. I need your light to hold back my darkness.

Satsekhem