Nephthys.

In February, I was beginning to despair that things weren’t going to work out the way that I wanted them to. I don’t know if anyone realizes this, but I tend to come down on the side of “never going to work out” because hope is a thing that I don’t really know how to have. It always works out best if I assume the worst because I’ll never truly be disappointed. But this year isn’t about assuming the worst; it’s about moving forward and being reborn. Unfortunately or otherwise, a part of that means that hope is a thing that has to happen.

During a conversation with one of my long-time friends where we were discussing what was going on with me, they mentioned that they had done a reading for me about the whole thing. As part of that reading, the cards seemed to indicate that I should reach out to Nephthys. I kind of laughed and said, “Are you sure?” They confirmed twice and said that I should probably look into it.

After doing the usual research (going to Butler’s entry on Nephthys), I found it interesting that Nephthys’s name is translated into “Mistress of the House.” According to Wikipedia, this could be a misnomer; a citation-less note on that page seems to indicate that her name could mean “Mistress of the [Temple] Enclosure.” Based on further reading I’ve done on her since, I have a tendency to think that it’s all the same; in either case, she’s still a mistress of some closed off space.

As I was going through various pages, trying to catch a glimmer of who this unknown-to-me goddess was, I kept coming back to the translation of her name and the fact that her name, when written in hieroglyphs, looks very much like the traditional house hieroglyph with a bowl plunked down on top. I was apparently not the only one to see this since TTR agreed that they, too, saw the same house image with a bowl placed on the roof.

I couldn’t get this bowl thought out of my head.

Whenever I would sit down to look deeper into this mystery goddess, I couldn’t help but keep coming back to the bowl on top of the house image. I kept picturing a house with a bowl to catch rain water. Sometimes I would picture the bowl filled with the same kind of crap you could expect to see in a gutter around a house, but mostly, I kept coming back to the idea of the bowl catching rainwater, or maybe even snow in the winter.

I assured myself that the bowl was immaterial probably; the important part was that she could help me out. But even with my own false assurances loudly ringing hollow in my own ears, I kept coming back to the hieroglyph of her name, of the square that I’ve seen a hundred times in similar position when I’m looking into Hathor for one reason or another: her name uses that same little box since her name translates to “House of Horus”.

The idea that Nephthys has a relationship to the home makes sense to me, although after doing further research on her, the translation of her name meaning temple enclosure could also fit. But before all of that deeper dig into the source material, the idea that Nephthys was related to the house wouldn’t leave me. And I kept asking myself: Well, why can’t she be a household deity?

We know little about the religion of the laity, a point I’ve made many times over. The bits that we do know seem to indicate that they had idols of gods like Hathor, Djehuty, Bes, and others in enclosures in their home. It’s not quite so different in a very broad way from what most pagans and polytheists are doing now except that we aren’t sure how those household deities were worshiped.

Now, I did look around to see if there was any evidence that a Nephthys idol could have been found in any of the homes that have been excavated and I came up with nothing. In fact, the more I looked into it, the more I began to feel like this was probably not something that was done in antiquity, but I wasn’t getting any negative push back from any of my household gods about it. To be blunt, the more I thought about it, the more I felt like this was A Thing that Should Happen.

To prevent myself from over-thinking it, I went back to the books, back to the research. If I was going to do something that was probably a-historical, then I should at least have a firmer base in history.

Nephthys didn’t have much on her own, all said and done. Her story is often tied with others: Osiris and Isis the most often, Set on occasion. It is the connection between her sister, Isis, and she that is most often discussed in the places I looked. The two of them are the professional mourners par excellence for Osiris and it is the two of them that protect him. There’s more to it than all of that, but I kept seeing that where Isis went, her sister Nephthys was sure to be there, to follow in her sister’s footsteps. But Nephthys was no slouch when she is depicted or discussed on her own though this seems to have not occurred often: she is a deity who can battle, who can heal, who can drink excessively, and who can do many more things besides. As with them all, she is multifaceted.

Nephthys also didn’t appear to have much in the way if a temple at all. There is record of one small place that seems to have been her own, but all other temple mentions indicate that she was included in the reindeer games of other gods’ temples. This brought me back to the idea of her being a household deity; I mean, after all, Bes was a household deity and he didn’t get his own temple either. Why couldn’t Nephthys be like him in that way?

When an idea won’t leave my head, I push back on it in every conceivable way and then, I give up. Sometimes the ideas are good; sometimes the ideas don’t work out. But this one had a feeling to it that made me think this could work out in my favor. I decided that I would at least give it a short, push to include Nephthys as a household deity with the rest of my household deities.

As I began looking over my household altar space, which is amusingly enough, situated on top of a box, I could practically picture a large bowl on top of it. The bowl color is the color of sand and within that bowl was… paper. Little tiny strips of paper that reminded me of the daily angel message strips my MiL was given when one of her good friends died. Those messages are filled with positive and happy messages, feel-good things that you are meant to focus on throughout the day to guide you ever forward.

The difference between those messages and what I was seeing in my head was that the strips of paper included things that I would want to see in my household. Happy and calm vibes; strong maintenance schedule; clear communication between the household members; etc. These were all things that you would, hopefully anyway, like to have occur in your house and amongst the people of your household.

I could see the bowl filled with various semi-precious stones to help attract the very things that you would want to see, but I could also see a giant feather of ma’at, too, because at the very base of it all, you would want ma’at to flourish within your home.

I pulled out the little purple card I had made for Nephthys many years ago when I began honoring the children of Nut and Geb on their birthdays and tried to figure out where to place it on my household altar. The box I have it not very big. It is just large enough for the things I had kept on it up to now, so I had to rearrange and move things around so I could make room for this sand-colored bowl and Nephthys’ name in addition to the pieces of my household altar space that I felt needed to be retained at all costs.

When I was done, I felt like this could work out at any rate. I placed the bowl behind my icon of Bes and his household deities-in-arms, Wenut, Tawaret, and Wadjet. I was actually very proud of the arrangement and felt like I had done the vision in my head proud (which is not always the case). I felt like this was functional enough for daily rituals but also that Nephthys’s specific function was segmented back enough from the other three so that, while they are all technically fulfilling the household deity dynamic, their paths are separated enough for me to focus on the grouping or specifically on Nephthys, depending on what I’m aiming for.

Then it came time to fill the bowl. My feather of ma’at amulet was the first thing to enter. I batted around the idea of including a magnet of some sort. TTR and I had discussed adding a magnet to attract all the things I was putting out there, perhaps with a feather of ma’at drawn upon its sides, but I couldn’t find a magnet that I felt worked for the moment, so instead, I sat down to write down all the things I wanted to see.

I took a small sheet of notebook paper and wrote down various items that I wanted. I wrote them down on one line apiece, if I could, but no bigger than two lines. And once I had filled an entire page of notebook paper, I cut them all down into strips to wrap them into the bowl around my feather of ma’at paper. This was actually harder than I thought it would be because the sandstone bowl I chose for this purpose is actually a lot smaller than the one I pictured in my head.

Once I was done, I stood back and found some remaining things that needed to be added: fake flowers. I love real flowers but I don’t like in a place where those live for very long. So I pulled some of the fake white flowers I have stashed everywhere and placed them all on top and around the bowl to cultivate what I want to see in my home.

I honestly don’t know if this working out so far. This setup hasn’t been up for very long: a little less than a month. But when I walk over to my household altar to do something in the morning, I can feel the difference. It was stagnated before (partially because I needed to clean and rearrange as I do every three months or so) but also because the feeling that I had needed to be fulfilled before the space could open itself back up to me.

It’s been opened up for three weeks or so now and I can feel the hard work that I put into it reflecting back into the walls and the people who live here. It doesn’t feel as if I have done something wrong or that I shouldn’t have done this. It feels right in that way that a polytheist or pagan will get when they know what they’re doing isn’t necessarily historically accurate but at least seems to be working for the time being.

I have another picture in my head of how this will change and evolve over time, but we’re not there yet. All I know is that I can see what the future of this endeavor will look like and it looks kind of awesome.

Thus far, I have had very little communication with Nephthys on the solo front. She has always been a silent goddess to me; she was never truly mine at any rate. I have had no dreams of her as I have had dreams of Bes and Wenut. I have heard not a peep and maybe that means she is quietly working away, diligently pushing forward the things I asked for with my little bowl of messages.

We’ll see at any rate.

Prep.

I spent today cleaning, which isn’t very shocking. I live in a small household and I have a young child; cleaning is pretty much a daily occurrence. But with Wep Ronpet coming up, I knew that I wanted to get a handle on the hoarder like tendencies that had overtaken my kitchen table and wash down the walls [in public areas] in preparation for what was coming. I also knew I needed to make serious decisions about where certain things are headed and I had to make serious room for rituals that I’ve been nudged/pushed/shoved/hinted/informed/ordered to do this Wep Ronpet [season]. So, I had a lot of fucking stuff to do and I had decisions to make.

The main decision being, not that I was going to do these things because I was going to do the things, but where these things were going to take place. As I’ve mentioned numerous times, I live in a small house. I have my altar spaces in a public area (the dining room/kitchen area) so that I wouldn’t forget to give offerings daily. My house is built very strangely so I have the room to have tables just kind of hanging out, waiting around for things to go on them. The problem with this set up is that this is the only space where I can have these things, which means when larger rites are requested, such as those for Wep Ronpet, I need to consider where the hell things are going to be happening.

In a fit of pique last year, I purchased one of those shitty build-it-yourself bookcase for $20, which is where I housed the lwa and their related accoutrements. As I mentioned last month, the lwa have been missing in the last few months. I’ve thought about this issue not very much since I wrote that post because it’s painful. If I’m correct in my assumption that they’re gone, I know why (the lesson was learned) and that hurts. But if I’m incorrect and they’re just biding their time because right now is high Kemetic time, then I don’t want to be rash.

But I also need more fucking space to do things and to have things because, as much as I love the lwa and the relationships I’ve cultivated with them, my first calling has always been to the Kemetic gods. Or, to put it more clearly: they got first dibs. And their dibs, especially right now, are really fucking loud, really fucking non-negotiable, and really fucking important to get the fuck through. Maybe, just maybe, the lwa will come back with the cool air of the fall (hopefully around the same time when I start up my grave-tending services) and the winter months… since I’ve mentioned they tend to be, er, louder in winter. But, then again, maybe not.

Again, in the meantime, I need more fucking space.

With a heavy heart, I cleared off the bookcase I had purchased with the specific intent to house the lwa. I’ve turned this into my “household altar space.” Since I am, as anyone knows, a deity collector, I have a lot of fucking gods that I need to pay attention to at any given moment. Our relationships, for the most part, aren’t nearly as intense or as all-pervasive as my relationship with Sekhmet, which is to be expected. In many instances, the relationships I have had with the gods who have come poking around, looking for attention, have taken on similar aspects to the one I have with Geb (details, for those interested).

This is a real weight off my shoulders, by the way; I don’t think I can even explain adequately how overwhelming it can be to feel the need to pay attention to a dozen various netjeru at any given moment. I know there are other polytheists out there, like me, who have developed relationships or been pushed toward other deities/beings by their gods and have, in consequence, developed required attention-paying duties to said new beings/deities at any given moment. I’m actually in this boat, myself, so I decided that it would be best to kind of follow ancient Egyptian customs and just have a place where household type deities are paid attention to.

Of course, unlike the ancient Egyptians, I have deities within my “household” area that may not necessarily fit in with their dynamic. There is no Tawaret and Meskhenet holds no sway over me, either. But I do pay attention to Bes and Hetheru and Aset. I have since added the other flocks on over, telling them each morning that they can stop in for a bite and ask to share some cool water with the residents-with-icons (Hetheru, Djehuty, and Aset), if those residents are so inclined.

Seriously, this was the best fucking decision I have ever made.

In so moving my household altar space, I have also decided to open up my “hoarder fucking alert” cabinet. This is where the household space used to reside [on top]. Within the cabinet is, well, it’s a fucking packrat’s wet dream. Most of it is herbs and herb-related things for those off moments when I think, “Yes, I shall magic,” and utilize such things to get what I want. The thing is that these fucking jars are damn bulky and I would prefer to not have them in the cabinet. However, since I don’t up my stores of herbs and it can be a lengthy period of time between uses, I also don’t want them in direct light or in a public area where some yahoo can touch or where a child may break them.

(Magical parenting problems? Parents-who-magic problems?)

I decided to pull out the Tarot collection and toss it over underneath the household altar. I figure this is a good decision because then, I may be more inclined to use them again. My Tarot or oracle deck use has seriously gone down the fucking tube in the last year. I honestly don’t know if this is because I don’t have a lot of time to myself and I tend to need quiet time to read what the cards are telling me, or if it’s because I just don’t want to know what to expect or what could be coming my way. I guess that could be considered a stupid move – head-in-the-sand thing – but it’s kind of my M.O. about these things.

Also, I have decks that I either need to sell or give away. So, by pulling these out and putting them in a [more] public area, I’m kind of helping myself… maybe? I think that if I see the decks regularly, since they are on the second shelf of the bookcase thing, this might mean that I actually do something about all of that? Besides, outside of two decks that I really like, most of the Tarot are taking up space so that I can’t collect the ancient Egyptian themed decks that I actively collect with no purpose other than to own them. By getting rid of decks, then, you know, I have more space for things that take up that space.

Yes, I know these is clearly an issue, but it’s my issue and I like it.

As I began pulling out the Tarot decks, I discovered that I have a metric shit-fuck-ton of candles. I knew I had a lot because I have them hanging out all over the place in my house. This is not, by the way, packrat tendencies but concerns raised when I was out of candles during the entire fucking week my neighborhood was without power after the Halloween nor’easter. But, I have candles that don’t really aid with possible power outages… as in, I found an entire box of tea lights (white) and then random tea lights (four, scented) and then I found a bunch more tea lights (white) in a baggy. I don’t even know what I have all of these tea lights for or when I purchased them. The box has a sticker, though, which says I was planning all of this at a dollar store.

Now I have to decide what to do with them. They aren’t going to help me with this week’s ritual stuff. I have full-fledged candles already set up and I have an entire box of votive candles (white) that I have on hand for just such a purpose… on top of the smaller box of votive candles (also white) that I bought last week, sure that I had thrown out aforementioned large box.

Maybe I have more problems than I’m willing to admit.*

* This is actually quite possible. Hoarding is a family trait from my grandmother whose entire upper story was filled with useless tidbits. My mother and I have both found ourselves guilty of these things, even after swearing we would not be like my grandmother. This is why I go through my stuff, or try to, regularly and throw random things away/give things away because I swear I’m not doing this packrat/hoarder nightmare shit.

I love candles, but I think I’m at my candle limit. Hopefully, I will remember this moment and all of my candle ridiculousness the next time I am in a store that sells candles… even if they’re on sale or something.

After a lot of back and forth, I think I figured out a functional cabinet layout that will allow me to keep ritual items within it until I need them. I was able to clear space out from the drawer that I stash ritual items in (underneath Sekhmet’s space) and move things to the cabinet. Of course, though I have finally managed to get the damn thing closed with a modicum of belief that I was “successful,” I have to admit that I forgot other ritual items that will need to be housed within there. (They’re currently waiting to be cleaned.)

After about four hours of thinking, moving things, debating what can and cannot be kept out, and then re-thinking what I decided, I think I have a functional space. I also think I’m set up, mostly, for the physical things for Wep Ronpet and the Intercalary Days. Hopefully, these rites are successful and I end up happy with the end result.

Kemetic Round Table: Shrine 101.

The Kemetic Round Table (KRT) is a blogging project aimed at providing practical, useful information for modern Kemetic religious practitioners. For all the entries relating to this particular topic, take a peek here.

In a way, one of the easiest beginner question to answer is altars. The reason being is that it comes down to have a blank space for deity-related items, in a nutshell. Obviously, it’s more complicated than that, but you could easily start off with an empty table, cabinet, or shelf and you have a functional altar. However, no one really asks about shrines. No one seems to understand that an altar =/= a shrine. Here follows a quick 101 to discuss the differences and how you can set up a shrine if you are so inclined.

What’s the difference between a shrine and an altar?
There’s a world of difference between altars and shrines, which is not made apparent to a lot of newbies running around. There are some people who will use the words interchangeably. However, I don’t recommend this. And the reason is all in the definitions of both of these words. They really are two separate items and they are for two entire separate types of worship.

They can both be categorized as a place in which something sacred goes, however, the difference stems in what happens at the location. For an altar, it is a place in “which religious rites are performed or on which sacrifices are offered to gods, ancestors, etc.” (Source.) However, a shrine is not a work station where things are to be done, but a “structure or place consecrated or devoted to some saint, holy person, or deity, as an altar, chapel, church, or temple.” (Source.) It is a realm of piety, of devotion, and of prayers.

Why would I create a shrine instead of an altar?
In some cases, someone would choose to create an altar for the netjer because the deity in question has requested it. I know of at least two Kemetics that I can think of off the top of my head who had their deities request that they create a type of shrine for them. In both cases, the god resides within that closed off sacred space 100% of the time. This, to me, shows that the relationships they have with their gods is more dedicated and more serious than some of the other relationships people can and do have with the netjeru.

In other cases, a person decides to begin building a shrine to their deities because they have a priest-like relationship with their gods. The thing about having a shrine instead of an altar means that there will be more hard work, a lot more devotion, and an exceptional amount of hard work in the actions of maintaining one. In the morphing an altar space into a type of shrine, you are accepting more responsibility with your religious practice. The only people in ancient Egypt who were granted access to shrines were the priests themselves, which is why I tend to equate the practice of having one and the work put into making it and maintaining it as a kind of entrance into a modern-day priesthood. The rules change, in my opinion, when a shrine is put together for your netjer of choice.

Personally, I only have altars around my home. I do not have a shrine to any of my gods, although I have put serious consideration into having a shrine for Sekhmet and altars for the rest. And while some of my altars are too small to actually be a devotional work place, they are still altars. I don’t do the shrine thing because I am not a priest, nor do I wish to be. And I’m not ready (and probably will never be) to do that.

How would I create a shrine?
In this, one must first look to past resources for ideas on shrines. The ancient Egyptians had an entire temple for their religious observances, but there was a particular section that the status of the gods was kept within (the shrine area) and only consecrated priests could enter its domain. As you can see from this Ptolemaic era travel shrine, they utilized a cabinet with doors. If you do a Google image search, you will find similar representations, both modern and ancient. So, your first step is to find a type of cabinet that reflects what you think your gods would both prefer and that any icons (pictures, statues, representative items) would be able to fit within. An excellent modern example is Devo’s shrine entry at Shrine Beautiful.

As shown from the above linked article of Devo’s shrine, you can see that the items she has for that shrine are exceptionally plain. The doors are opened and she gives them sustenance in the form of her votive offerings for the day. The doors are then closed and the offerings are left within the shrine until the next time she goes to visit her shrine. There is no decoration. There are no flowers. There is nothing but a very immaterial and streamlined shrine. Personally, when I look at shrine porn, the more minimalistic a shrine the better.

However, not everyone is going to enjoy minimalism when it comes to their personal sacred space to their netjer. The thing is that one must reflect on the fact that a shrine is a sacred place. A shrine is a place for offerings and for worship and, in my opinion, little else. Cluttering the area with things like rocks, pictures, and the like may prove harmful in the long run. Giving those items as offerings and removing them when you are either done or the next day when you go back to renew your offerings is one thing, but keeping extraneous items laying about all day, every day may end up taking away from the connection you are attempting to solidify with your netjer and also detract from the overall goal of sacred space.

Where should I set up a shrine?
The thing about putting a shrine together is that, if you are going to take into account the ancient Egyptian standard that we have to work from, then the shrine is going to be placed in an inner sanctum of sorts. The temple precincts for each deity were wide and varied tracts of land – a kind of city-state unto itself in later dynasties. We don’t have this option, for obvious reason, but you can easily choose a quiet, inner room to place your shrine in. In some cases, people have entire rooms dedicated to the wants and needs of their gods and their spirits (I’m thinking, specifically, in regards to the lwa here but this works for relationships with the netjer and other gods as well). You can think of opening the door to that room as the outside precincts of the temple in question and then the shrine area as the private place for your shrine.

However, if you are like me, then this may not work out so well for you because you may end up forgetting the whole “daily offering” thing.

Part of the reason why I have altars instead of shrines is, also, because I need to have them placed in a public space. This has helped me to facilitate the daily offerings that I believe I should be giving on a regular basis. As I discovered when my altars were in my inner sanctum, I’m less likely to go about and get the daily offerings because of not having the altar spaces in my face. In effect, laziness grabs hold and I end up saying, “I’ll do a double offering tomorrow,” and then that tomorrow never actually manifests and I’m six months behind on daily offerings and in a fallow time. So, for me, if I were to go the shrine route, the shrine in question would be in a public place. Point of fact, if I were to ever convert any of my altars into shrine areas, I would probably place the shrine on top of the working altars I have currently so that I can work for the gods at their sacred work stations and then also open up their shrine doors for daily offerings.

I believe that the few people whom I can think of who have shrine areas also have their shrines in public spaces. They may do this for the same reason as me or for lack of space in quieter, out-of-the-way parts of their home. No matter the personal reasoning behind where you place your shrine, it is an inherently personal decision. If it’s in a public place, then that’s where you need it to be. If you’re not a lazy as me and you have the room/ability to place them in an inner area, then that’s where you need it to be.

When will I know that I can handle a shrine?
This is, again, another personal decision for each practitioner. As I mentioned above, I know that I am not ready and probably will never be really ready to handle a shrine area. It is a very large decision to go ahead and start manifesting something like a sacred space, such as a shrine, and maintaining that sacred space. If you think you are ready to take on the duties that lie within a priesthood infrastructure, then you could quite easily be ready to create and maintain a shrine space. However, the responsibilities of a priesthood caste are incredibly large and occasionally back breaking. In my opinion, there is less time for fun and adventure (such as Roamin’ Gnome shenanigans during festivals) and more time for devotion, prayer, and introspection.

If you think you are ready to carry the mantle of the priesthood, then you are ready to attempt the building of a shrine. Just ask the netjer that you want to create the shrine to first and go from there.

All Our Times Have Come…

Note: The song I chose for this particular entry is in my head and on my playlist frequently. It has little to do with the person in question as I consider this song belonging to my son and I. But, I felt the lyrics were really appropriate.

I woke up this morning with the telltale fatigue I’ve come to associate with working in the astral. I get this feeling about two to three times a week right now. I don’t question whatever it is my soul aspects are about in the astral, although I occasionally do wonder what it must be like over there as well as what kind of work I am doing. I will admit that I would prefer to remember things, but I’m not about to mess up the status quo. It seems to be working out well for me without the memory of the adventures therein, except for what it is granted into my memory (such as the night Papa Legba and I went dancing). It doesn’t matter what is going on; I know whatever it is happens to be working.

All our times have come
Here, but now there, gone
Seasons don’t fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are

When my eyes flickered open, I began remembering a dream I had last night. I was sitting at a completely unremarkable kitchen table. It was the standard rectangular table and it was by a window. It was a light-colored wood and the sunlight was dancing patterns in it. The sunlight was the slowly weakening hue of an autumnal sun. There were red leaves waving at us from outside. All I had to do was turn my head and I could see the ornate gardens that lay beyond wherever I happened to be. Those gardens had a hint of my mother-in-law’s garden, but were infinitely wilder. This is a background that I tend to associate with the astral. There’s always a kind of wildness to what we would try to put into orderly rows. The astral, however, works under its own laws and limitations; not ours.

The room was filled with a sweet scent. There were aspects of this moment that reminded me of days I spent in a yellow kitchen, still bedecked with the gods-awful flower border across the top of that kitchen. The walls were spattered with dust and grease in that long-ago kitchen. The difference here was that my mental construct with a hint of astral was more in tune with the kitchen I associate with my mother-in-law. While the color scheme was similar, there were differences. I believe this was done to make me feel safe and able to break the connection at any time.

I think it was done on purpose, but not by me…

Across from me at this nondescript table was the very countenance of my ex-husband. He was as always remember him. He had his hair buzzed short and his fangs were surreptitiously peeking out from his pink lips as he spoke carefully to me. We were staring at each other earnestly as we spoke. We knew that one second, one wrong inflection, could cause an ending to whatever peace talks were being held. And neither one of us was interested in the long, dark road that would surround a break down in our peace talks. His eyes were wide, limpid pools of earnestness. He was as he always is, to me. Charismatic and full of commentary.

For once, I listened with alacrity.

Come on baby… don’t fear the reaper
Baby take my hand… don’t fear the reaper
We’ll be able to fly… don’t fear the reaper
Baby I’m your man…

You see, by the time I woke up, we were on to more mundane things than discussing what had happened in our relationship. We had come through that phase and were working on other parts. Y’see, I was asking him for advice about current life situations. It wasn’t religious oriented, but mundane really. And I woke up remembering how he used to be when we were just friends or casual lovers. I could go to him with a problem and he would have very intent, very good advice about any given subject. As long as you didn’t inflame any of his passions, he could be a good friend. And it was that outside, honest perspective I was seeking. He paid me back in kind by asking me what I thought about his mundane problems at the moment. Really, it just went to show that we were both just very much better off as friends once.

I know I confided in him.

I remember telling him that I felt as though I were a failure. Often now, I sit back and think to a time when things weren’t a struggle as they are now. I was more financially stable with the ex-husband, obviously. I often wonder how things could have gotten so bad, so quickly. And how things would have been if I had tried to stick around and fix things back then. I doubt anything would have come of it, but I know that I told that man that I have my days where I look back and think about how much I seem to be struggling and how I often blame the ending of our relationship. I remember, in that dream, he laughed. Anyone who knows him knows what his honest laughter is; this was honest laughter. Maybe he was laughing because he agreed with me or because he found my pinpointing for “when it all went wrong” amusing.

I don’t know.

I don’t remember.

Love of two is one
Here but now they’re gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear she couldn’t go on

I wish I had more fertile remembrance of what our peace talks began as. The reality of what they began as doesn’t matter, though. They happened.

As I was driving to work today, I was thinking back on the dream and the utter peace it instilled within me. I felt like a part of me that had been working backwards, perhaps a bad cog or fear, was no longer working against all the infinitesimal parts of myself. Frowning, I looked down to my heart and did an inner search. I found that I wasn’t really all that far off with those thoughts. I went looking for my rage, then, and I didn’t find it. The entire bundle of ex-husband rage that I have been carrying alive within me for more than five years now seemed to have completely dissipated. I am completely unsure if this is something that only occurred today or if it was only today that I was allowed to realize it. It doesn’t matter. I began probing and probing and the bits of me that were rage were filled in, patched over, or just working the way they should be.

I recall now a moment when I was still in that coven of three. And I remember when the EM told me that I had so much rage that I could destroy so much and that was why there was so much fear of me working with Sekhmet. (How young and foolish we all were then.) I remember her telling me that I had to get the heat and the rage out. I had to work on the things that were fueling it and of course, we all knew that it was my ex-husband that was feeding that rage the most. The pain, the hate, and the anger that he instilled within me, I felt, was something that I would always carry around within my breast. But, as I searched for the telltale burn to the right of my heart, it was missing.

It was gone.

Then the door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared… saying don’t be afraid
Come on baby… and she had no fear
And she ran to him… then they started to fly

After realizing that my rage was gone, I felt pretty upset with myself for not realizing that this was happening. I’ve had signs and dreams of it. The thing is that I was really just sad that the rage was gone. I think that maybe confused or weird to some people. I’ll try to explain it.

The thing is that the rage has been with me for the better part of five years now. In the removal of that rage, I’ve actually opened a lot of scars up to being hit and touched. I let the rage I felt towards my ex-husband mold itself and hold fast to rages that I’ve been carrying around for a very long time. Parts of my rages against the ex-boyfriend from high school (who will be getting a post all his own) as well as parts of my rages against my father for abandoning me. There are other, smaller, rages that were a part of the rage ball I had built for myself around the angst with my ex-husband. In the removal of the large ball of rage I had towards him, I’ve opened myself to smoothing out other rages. Some of them have already been worked out, I just haven’t gotten around to posting about them. But some of them are still there.

I can feel them sliding around in my chest, trying to take a hold. I hope they don’t.

I don’t want to have to work as diligently as I have with the ex-husband thing with other parts of my life. The only one who could even remotely get anything from me now, I think, would be my dad. He deserves that rage and I have to realize that it is a just rage before I can work further with it. It doesn’t matter. Even though I had this ball of rage that filled me up and had taken over large aspects of who I was, I hope that I don’t let something new or something old fester in that now open spot.

They looked backward and said goodby… she had become like they are
She had taken his hand… she had become like they are
Come on baby… don’t fear the reaper

I find myself very tired now, as though I had been exercising for too much time and overdid it. In a way, I think that’s a fitting analogy. When you start to work on aspects of yourself, retrieving bits of yourself and your soul from others’ hands, you don’t realize how much work you will be putting into the project to hand. You think a few moments of light meditation and you will complete the project. This is far from the truth. The astral, the soul, and everything in between are all portions that require hard, hard work and a strong, stubborn countenance more often than not.

And a lot, a lot of tears.

Altars and Significance.

I have altars. I know this is probably not very shocking. It seems like, as a practitioner of a polytheistic religion, you must have one. I’ve had them for my Deadz, which has since been broken down and put away. I’ve had small ones. I’ve had larger ones. I’ve had medium-sized ones. I’ve had ones that get shared by other gods and other spirits. I’ve had ones that evolved and I didn’t realize that I was making a kind of altar space until I looked at them just so. I’ve mentioned this before but, primarily, the reason why I have all this altar stuff is because I need a place to focus my intent when I pray, when I break down, when I commune, and all of that. While I fall under the blanket term of a Kemetic polytheist, I tend to consider myself an idolator first and foremost. (Think of an image of some money-hungry person bathing in dollar-dollar bills, y’all, and instead of bills, put statues and whatnot. That’s me.) So, yeah, I have altars.

Thing is, I’ve been eyeballing my altar spaces and just feeling like they’re all wrong. I don’t mean the ones that happened overnight or out of the blue. Those were more accidental than anything else. But when I look at the table I have Hekate on and I look at my spooky cabinet, housing Legba, Sekhmet, and Hetharu… I’m just completely discontent with what I have going. I keep staring in the hopes that something will click and feel right, but nothing of this happens. Instead, I end up feeling dissatisfied with the general feel coming from over there. It’s not stagnant. It’s not blocked. It’s not anything that I can put my finger on, but there is just something about those places that are causing me to wonder what the hell I’m forgetting or doing incorrectly. I don’t know.

There’s just something.

It’s that niggling feeling you get when you forget something and you have no clue what the hell you forgot? Mm-hmm.

Periodically, I’ve found myself going through the Fuck Yeah, Altars block over on Tumblr. Then, I’ll get completely verklempt over something before I decide that I need to go and check out Shrine Beautiful for some ideas or just to see what other people are doing. Periodically, my friends will post pictures of what they have going on. And I look and I think and I sigh and I wonder. And I peer at what I have going on with my altars and I’ll cock my head with an idea and then sigh and then wonder and then ignore it all and continue to peruse the pretty pictures.

There is something coming up here… something…

This was that little ritual I did on September Eleventh, in honor of all the people who died because of those attacks.

Aaaaaaah.

You see, I realized that I was beginning to feel dissatisfied with what I was seeing after I did my 9/11 Ritual last week. There was something about the event, itself, that changed me in an extraordinary way. I was basing my ritual or what I had in mind, at least, on imagery I had seen on various websites (two of which, you know, I liked above) as well as from other peoples’ altar photos whored all over the place. I wanted a sort of image akin to what Catholics do when they light their candles in remembrance of their loved ones. (Note to self: save some money, go to G-ma’s ex-church, and do that for her since she would probably really like that.) But, I also had the image of altars I had seen: big, huge monstrosities filled with candle light. And I was also thinking about those friends of mine. Those candle lit havens…

And I see the correlation with where I feel dissatisfied.

While I was doing some random chores around my house earlier, I thought back to what I had figured out about the Mindset I was in. It was the one where the religion part falls to the wayside while I get back on track with the boringmundane. And while I was picking up the dogs’ water dish to wash it or at least give it a rinse and a refill, I couldn’t help but wonder if my general angst in regards to my altars had something to do with this whole Mindset. I didn’t think that the correlation here had much to do with the fact that I was falling behind or not focusing nearly as much. But, I began to think that maybe the whole thing had more to do with needing a spot for when I’m feeling the need to get down with my religion instead of just muttering some random prayers, putting on my related jewelry, and going about my day.

Can we get an ah-ha?

It’s really stupid and funny that I never made the connection before.

You see, back when that job was stealing my soul, my altar spaces were pretty much in my room. I had little things and whatnot that I did out and about in the house itself, but Sekhmet and Hetharu were in my bedroom. (This was before the Papa Legba ah-ha moment and before the surprise entrance of Hekate, of course.) And I often found it difficult to remember to do more than, “Oh, yeah. I forgot to give you an offering today, huh?” Or, do much more than, “darn, I swear I’ll remember to dust in here tomorrow.” I never bothered to do much more than the motions way back then, which should both comment on how tired I always was but also how I seemed to think that by claiming myself a devotee of these goddesses, then I didn’t have to do much more than a little here and there. And while I was very devout in various ways, other things just fell away. The motions stopped and I fell back into a deep, dark depression.

Isn’t it amazing how much faith and belief can keep your head above the water?

So, it was only relatively recently that I decided to move all altar spaces out of my bedroom. Even though I went in there every day to get clothes or go to bed, I couldn’t remember to even bring a cup of water into the room as an offering. So, I felt it was in my best interest as a practitioner of a religion in my own home to have places set about in a public venue so that I wouldn’t forget. Since they all came on out of the closet, so to speak, I’ve remembered much more easily about doing the daily trappings and this leads me into doing more intense trappings, like the ritual I posted a picture of above. Since I do the smaller bits, I want to do the larger bits.

Where am I going with this?

I’m beginning to think that my altar dissatisfaction has a larger bearing on the Mindset and how to keep out of it.

The Hankerings and Biddings of My Myriad of Benefactors.

My spiritual life is a little odd and definitely chaotic at the moment. On the one hand, I have four different other-worldly beings that I have to mollify in some form or another. And on the other hand, I have to balance the Kemetic want and need from my patronesses and the voodoo desires from the lwa who have made themselves at home. They all want something at any given moment and more often than not, it’s at the same time. This leaves me with a conundrum: who do I pay more attention to? Who gets me at that particular second in time? And, can I balance the wants of the lwa with the desires of the goddesses?

It’s a frickin’ balancing act.

And it makes my head spin.

Sekhmet
Recently, she’s been on my mind. I think a large portion of this is because I’ve been feeling the wheels of injustice turning around me and as the goddess of justice, it only stands to reason. However, I think another part of this is because she was the first. And like all people who are suffering from a hard go of things, I turn to the patroness that is more familiar to me than all of the others. I know her presence as well as I know my own and so, it is to her arms that I find myself turning for comfort at this juncture in my life.

The other night, I had this insatiable desire to prostrate myself out in front of her residence on my Getting-Steadily-More-Crowded altar area. This was the beginning of her being at the foremost of my thoughts, actually. I didn’t end up prostrating myself that night because I like to give myself tons of excuses as to why I can’t do things. She was both amused and irritated with me since, obviously, if I had the urge, then I should do it. And of course, she knows better than myself that just because I feel something or I am told to try something that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m going to do it. (For example, my mother informed me that I should start watching The Big Bang Theory when I was living in Texas with her. Four years later, I finally took her advice, since nothing else was on that night, and found out that she was right from the very beginning.) In fact, if I’m told to do something, I’m even more likely to ignore it or not do it.

I’m just contrary, I guess.

That same evening, I got this distinctive impression that she wanted something from me. My mind is easy at supplying words to these basic feelings that I often get from her: senut, she says. And I’m just kind of like, “Really? Again? We want to do this again?” She wants formality; she wants my attention and above all, she wants me to start… something important. (Don’t know what yet.) However, to begin this little adventure of hers, she wants me to get back to formal and start doing senut with her. She says that she doesn’t care what I say or how I say it, out loud or in my head, but she wants offerings every fucking morning, damn it, and she wants my fucking attention. (Swears added by me, but the intent was there.) I’m just kind of like… “Can’t I just prostrate, instead?”

No.

I’ve been praying to her, a lot, in the last few days, too. This is a part of her always being at the foremost of my thoughts. In the shower, outside during my walks, and just now before I started writing this: Prayer, prayer, prayer. Today, I finally did prostrate myself and I felt a little ridiculous (and monstrously fat). My son came over to see what I was doing and the dog decided she had to lick my face right that second to ward off any tears. (Actually, my son came over for similar reason only without the face-licking aspect.) I don’t feel any better after having done it, but I think it is to be a model for what I have to prep myself for.

This is the desire and demand of the Lady of the Flame.

Hwt-Hrw
She’s mostly a quiet goddess for me. A lot of this stems from our uncertain behavior with one another. She’s worried that if she throws herself all in with me, then I’m going to run away from her (again). And I’m worried that if she tried to throw herself all in, then I’m going to run away from her (again). So, we’re kind of taking things slowly. What this really means is that I give her some attention when I want to do Tarot readings—I light a candle to her and ask her to guide my hand before I begin—and that’s about it.

Her job around here, I thought initially, was to get me back into the sexual creature that I know I can be and just… aren’t. (Sexual abuse is so awesome! It’s the gift that keeps giving!) In fact, if I have an urge, I’m more likely to bury it under a heavy stone. I figured that she was coming around because, you know, this is bad and I’m actually kind of tired of it. If I could change it on my own, I would. However, I’m so used to not giving in to said urges that I don’t think I know how to actually, like, fix it on my own. So, I assumed that when she showed up … last year? (I can’t even fucking remember and I don’t have the energy to look back.)… that was her purpose.

And maybe that was true back then, but it’s not the case currently.

To me, she’s always been a magical deity. When I think about mother and wifely goddesses, I always think of Aset first. Hwt-Hrw filled these rolls before, but I always think of her as more with being one with the sexuality of being a woman, as well as sensuality, and magic. I’m not really sure where I get this feeling or idea. I mean, more often than not, I’ve noticed that most Kemetics have the two deities reversed: Hwt-Hrw for motherhood and Aset for magic. To be honest, and I’ve given this no thought prior to this second in time, I think the difference for me is because of my intense relationship with Sekhmet, who Hwt-Hrw is closely related to. I’m not sure how that correlates with how I view them, but I’m pretty sure it does…

…and I’m rambling.

So, what started her coming back around was my intense focus on looking into various magical paths. When I started reading about hedge witchery, I felt like she was standing behind me and reading over the material I was taking in. Every time I went onto Amazon to add more books on various magical traditions into my Wish List, I felt her there, guiding my hand. It is from her, I feel, that my magical practice will entirely stem. And this is what the hell she wants from me: she wants me to practice, she wants me to learn, and she wants me to stop putting it the eff off already! (I think that’s verbatim, right there…)

This is the demand and desire from the Lady of the Sky.

Papa Legba
I like to think of him as a kind of spiritual tornado that comes up and messes shit around until you’re left completely lost and thirty miles from home. I mean, obviously, he’s the kind of tornado that you can survive (so therefore, not in this plane of existence). But, in an odd way, I really see him this way. I suppose that comes from the fact that he decided to show up in my life and almost immediately started messing around with things. Obviously, I needed the kick in the pants he gave me since I wasn’t doing it for myself. He and I have come to terms with the fact that he messed around with things until I am where I currently am and that I really wasn’t really happy about it. I guess we’ve surpassed that phase in our relationship.

As the guardian of the crossroads, choices are entirely his domain. At least, that’s how I like to see it. It’s like anything that I decide on this long road of mine is important to him and something that honors him, in a way. To be honest, I want to make him a little shadow box with green grass on either side of this random white gate in the center. I think he’d get a kick out of it and, you know, since he’s all about gateways, too, it’s kind of like an ultimate of ultimate saying, “Hey. I accept you. You’re cool shit.” I think it’s also a way for me to (A) get down with my creative genes, (B) deal with the whole “fucking with my life” stuff that he likes to do and (C) make amends for my snotty behavior right after he fucked with my life.

He started falling into less prominence lately, which bothered me. I didn’t hear a word from him until well after he had ruined my working career (at a shitty place of business that I never would have left if he hadn’t changed things). So, I’m a little frightened by his silence. He tells me that I shouldn’t be because he’s a busy little lwa and he’s got other things to do. However, he does stop in sometimes, in the morning hours when we’re sharing a cup of coffee together, he asks things of me. It was during one of those moments that he demanded I write something for him. An offering from your most important creative center is what he said.

And he really does seem to like that little poem/sonnet that I wrote to him. I even told him that I would be printing it out for him on some nice paper when I have money again. I also promised that I would frame it, as he had asked. It would do a spot nicer to have it all done up and pretty-fied since the original copy is pretty much being torn to shit by the fact that it’s just lying on top of the Mutual Altar Space. While I plan on keeping the original (possibly folded up in the back of the printed copy), at least I won’t have to worry about spilling coffee all over a framed version.

Just the other day, though, he asked me for a big one that I’ve been kind of debating about. He asked if I could move Papa Ghede from the Community Altar. He’s encroaching on my spot and I’m sick of it. When I thought about moving Papa Legba to a spot, somehow, over by the front door (since you know, doorways are his thing) he told me to take a leap. I believe the wording was: I was here first, damn it! He can move the fuck on! This leaves me in a bit of a space issue and a quandary. And of course, it’s not like Ghede wants to tell me what the hell he wants because that would be too easy.

No, he just expects me to guess.

In the mean time, I get the feeling that Papa Legba is having a pouting adventure over on his portion of the Communal Altar Area. I don’t blame him and he’s right: he was around first. He’s the one who suggested the shared altar and how to set it up. He has every right to stay there. So, while he’s having his pouting session until I come up with something decent, I’m left in a bind.

This is what The Old Man requires and requests of me.

Papa Ghede
I have the hardest time with this particular lwa. He doesn’t seem much on chattering away like Papa Legba was after he came over to me. I think, sort of, that this has to do with the fact that he has to do with the dead. I would gather that the dead don’t speak much unless spoken to. I mean, honestly, I don’t really know. I talk to the dead (or myself) all of the time, but Papa Ghede is anything but a talkative lwa. It’s like he gets off on being all inscrutable and ineffable. To be honest, I’d say that it’s annoying, but I honestly don’t know if he would be amused, bored, or irritated by the sentiment. So pretty much, I just guess on what the hell I’m doing and hope that it’s okay.

He’s inquired after my serving him, which has been his only request to date. Everything else has been me, hoping to impress or gain his acceptance. I don’t have a mentor that I can turn to and discuss this with. A lot of time I have doubts: is it Ghede? What if it’s something else masquerading? What if it’s another lwa who is now offended because I don’t know the difference between Ghede and —–? How do I know that I’m not just insane? I mean, if I had someone around nearby who hung out with the lwa, I could at least voice this opinion to someone and get their thoughts on it. And if they were nearby, they could maybe tell me what they felt about it.

In the mean time, I’m left, as I said, guessing.

The move to a new spot is paramount for both Papa Legba and Papa Ghede. I have a kind of idea about it, but since Papa Ghede is doing the mysterious shtick, I can ask his opinion and not get anywhere. There is a possibility of a place since the representation that he has is a picture: I can, of course, hang it up on the wall. It came with a little hook thing that I can use to attach it to a spot in the hallway (one of the few places I feel comfortable placing it). However, I wouldn’t have anything to use to place any offerings for him. And since, I do want to make him 21 Pepper Rum, I do need to have a spot to place offerings.

Thus, the conundrum.

In the end, it’s all about space or a lack thereof. I know what I [eventually] would like to have for a spot for Papa Ghede, but in the mean time…

I do know that the grave-tending is tantamount to the servitude. This is unquestionable and one of the few things that I actually do know. (This also leads me to wonder, more often than not, if it isn’t Papa Ghede and maybe is just the Baron whose come a-knocking.) Every time I go to a cemetery with the intention of bringing them into the foreground, I get a feeling of lightheartedness and gaiety. This is, of course, why I know that I’m doing the right thing. And I, at least, didn’t even have to guess what it was or wait to have it requested, at least.

I just wish I knew what he wanted. All the others have had no problem demanding things of me, but this one lwa… It’s all a game, maybe, and I’m the only one with pieces on the board.

All Men Say, Let Your Name Be Known.

I bought the table for Hwt-Hrw. There hasn’t been word, positive or negative, from the lady about this. I hope she likes it, to be honest. I have a simple, plain table with a little drawer that will hold crystals that I pick up as time goes by. Or… you know, whatever she deems it should hold if this suggestion isn’t adequate. (It probably will be for about a year and then she’ll change her mind… or something.) I’m waiting to see Sekhmet’s reaction to the table.

I also picked up two incense blends from Meta Pot for a trial run. They’re both of an Egyptian bend so I would assume the ladies will enjoy it. I can only hope this goes well. If they don’t like it, they’re pretty much shit out of luck. I bought the hundred stick packs since it made more financial sense to do so…

In reality, I’ve been maintaining the status quo. I have little energy to do anything over the top for either of my goddesses. It makes me depressed and feel like I could be a better patron-ee. All I know is that something has to change in this arena. I can’t continue on in the condition I’ve been in while on this path. I need to become freer, lighter, more absorbent of the things that I need to learn while on this path. However, I feel more dense and rock-like than ever before.

The closeness I’ve felt over the past few weeks is dissipating. I don’t know if this has to do with the time frame of bad past experiences or if it just simply me… Either could be a feasible answer. I just know that I feel dumb as a rock when it comes to all of this lately… and that bothers me.

He Is Sour Of Face To the Glad-Hearted Who Are Kindly to Him.

I want a table.
“Whaaaaa…?”
I would like a table, please. Nothing too fancy.
“You’re kidding me, right?” This is the point where I look around like there’s some cosmic joke being pulled on me.
No, I want a table.
“But you were happier than a pig in shit when you got the shelves.”
And I have since learned the error of my ways. It’s too unstable up here and there isn’t enough room.
“But I haven’t put all of them up yet.” This is when I start whining.
There’s no room for the plant or all the pretty crystals and stones you talk about getting and leaving with me. Your Tarot cards are much too high–really, they need to be much closer to me. And where would you put the pyramid you want to get me?
“Er…” Stunned disbelief at all of the basic things I’ve thought about recently in regards to Hwt-Hrw’s shelving units…
I want a table. Sekhmet has a table.
“She’s got a friggin’ box, lady!”
Which is on a table.
“Uh…”
I want a table, please. Not right this second, but very soon. You can buy me the table for Christmas, if you need to.
“Well, honestly, I was going to get you something else!” Devious thoughts. Change of tactic: “We decided to put you up and out of reach of my son, if you recall. He did break your last incarnation here.”
A very unlady-like snort. You know why that happened. And I am the mother of all mothers, honey, I’m not worried about it. Besides, how can he get to know me if I’m so remote? He’s very close with Sekhmet already and I appreciate that, but he should know me better.
Sputtering like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel. “But, you were pissed…”
Not really. Anyway, I want a table. Aphrodite has a table.
“I don’t worship that lady! Why do you bring her up?”
We’re friendly. I hear and know what is being done over there.
“Dude and she gets incense and chocolate every day, but I don’t hear you complaining about that!”
That would be because I want my table first, then my ivy plant. After that, we’ll discuss incense.
Stuttering and mumbling. “Well, don’t get your hopes up, but where do you want this magical table?”
Right here. I like it here. And when you get the sheers for your bedroom, it will be just like my old temples! Make the sheers gold and red, please.

And there it sits. Hwt-Hrw wants a table. This conversation happened the night before last. The entire time, I could feel Sekhmet hiding giggles behind my back. I mean, seriously, a table? I just bought the shelves and I lovingly put them up and now, she wants a table. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I wouldn’t want to sit for eternity on a set of decently constructed floating shelves that are hanging at an angle because I can’t figure out what store to go to get brackets to hold them up straight.

And with a table, there will be more room, as mentioned, for various implements I plan on buying for her. I want to buy her a pyramid and a matching offering bowl. I want to buy her the kapet candle that I had found years ago. I want to buy her some incense specifically for her and an incense holder. I want to also give her the ivy plant she so desperately (and annoyingly) goes on about. I want to give her these things because, even though I said I was going to get rid of her–more or less–I can’t do that.

She’s here to stay, whether I like it or not.

Le sigh.

So, I put the table on my Amazon wishlist that will match her shelves and is just like the one The Sister bought Aphrodite. Here’s to hoping that this works out the way Hwt-Hrw has envisioned because, honestly? I don’t see it.

The Inner Most Chamber Is Only Open to the Man of Silence.

After my raging last post, I feel quite upset with myself for having gone that far. However, I did get a reaction from both deities because of it. They are both back. Hwt-Hrw is back to her whimsical “you know, whatever you want, dear” policies and Sekhmet is just around. She was kind of upset with me last night, which ended up in yet another argument between the two of us, but I’ll get into that in a minute.

I had gotten the new statue of Hwt-Hrw in a few days ago. However, I swore up and down that I would not take her out of her shipping box, much less her personal box, until I had put the floating shelves up. About a thousand purchases later, I was able to put three of the six shelves up. I put Hwt-Hrw in the middle and surrounded her with a large and a medium-sized shelf. The shelves, much to my chagrin, are not holding up well. The walls in my apartment are pretty much cheap and shitty, so they hang at a slight angle. I have to bracket the shelves, and soon, so that I can put what I want to surround her on the walls. In the mean time…

I decided that I should just get Sekhmet up and out of the way, just in case Rowan’s attention turned from Hwt-Hrw to Sekhmet. So, I put up one of the shelves I had originally bought for Hwt-Hrw and put her on it. This is where the fight ended up. She looked like this:

…and she was super pissed. She was angry that I was using the shelves I had bought with the intention to house Hwt-Hrw. She was angry that the shelf wasn’t flush against the wall like it should have been. She was pissed off to no end that the shelf wasn’t of a maple variety, as she has specified, and that I was even remotely trying this for a minute or two. So, I took her down and put her back on my bedside table atop the boxaltar. She’s happier, but still wants her own shrine.

I’m thinking I should go back to the double-doored wall cabinet from Wal-mart because there is no way that I can find a friggin’ maple colored floating wall shelf set. Trust me: I’ve looked all over the place. Everyone sells them in cherry, ebony, mocha, and oak colors. I love my deities, but I’m not going to sand down and re-stain shelves for them! So, I think I’m going to buy a white wall cabinet for her with a shelf of some sort beneath the doors so I can put all of my Kemetic Recon books there. She is, after all, my patron deity and she is, after all, the supreme deity of medicine, only learned in the House of Life. Unless Djehuty comes along, Sekhmet is going to hang on to my books.

Oh, and speaking of other gods… I thought it was a good idea to invite Sutekh into my life. I just opened up my lips and blabbed it out for the Internet to hear. I’m vaguely paranoid about this and wonder if my odd, Egyptian-related dreams have anything to do with him. Honestly? I don’t know since they’re so vague. I do know, however, that Sutekh likes to make himself apparent with odd dreams. If that’s the case, he should work on me remembering them in the AM.

And since my blow-up at my patrons… I’ve felt better and more light-hearted. Perhaps they appreciated my rage for what it was worth? I know Sekhmet did, but there’s no telling with Hwt-Hrw. I think she’s just happy that she has a statue again!

I forgot to mention… I have since closed down the spiritual blog I was keeping on Livejournal, which was private. I like WordPress a lot better than LJ right now, though I do not intend on fully ridding myself of my LJ. Since no one could read my spiritual blog, it seemed more of a hassle to keep it open. I plan on deleting it the first week of November.

The Humble Man Flourishes.

I was seriously interested in putting my shelving units up today so that I had my altar completely set up and ready to go. Unfortunately, I need a special tool to set the wall anchors into place. I plan on ransacking Anthony’s parents’ house for the possible tools necessary to put these up. I also have to measure things out, apparently, so that I can put tall things up if the need arises.

In the mean time, the box is still being shared.

In other news, I came home from work last night to find that Hwt-Hrw had been broken by my son last night. I don’t know what in the world happened, but to say that I am very upset is kind of an understatement. Apparently, Rowan had decided that he needed to play with both Hwt-Hrw and Sekhmet statues last night for whatever reason. In the end, Sekhmet was completely fine but the feet of Hwt-Hrw were severed at the ankle. She’s currently leaning at a slight angle.

I kind of feel like this is a sign that Hwt-Hrw is displeased with me in some way. Honestly, I can’t think of anything that I have done that would irritate her to send me this kind of message. I have properly paid obeisance to her, as well as Sekhmet, every morning. I have spoken nicely to her and have listened to her comments. I have learned as much as I could about her as quickly as possible. I have offered her me as her slave and yet… there is this.

What in the world could this mean?