I’ve been putting off this entry, hoping that I could write it when my mind was far clearer than it is now. And I have to admit that my mind is definitely not clear in any context. Every day finds me lost in a hell of my own devising if I’m not busy elsewhere. And whenever I ruminate heavily on what I have gone through in the last few weeks to the last few months, my reactions vary but they are all the same: hurt, pain, bitterness, tears. It’s all fine and well, but it doesn’t really help me to write this post at all. However, right now, I feel like it’s time to get this out.
This entry is dedicated to everyone who said they wanted to know what changes my relationship with Sekhmet has gone through. I hope this entry lives up to what you were requesting.
I honestly don’t know if I would be where I am today if I had stayed on that forum. I honestly don’t think so. I think I would have been too busy holding myself back from whatever direction I felt the need I wanted to go in. While on that website, I realized a lot of things about myself, but I also attempted to become what others should expect when they saw me. Or, more like when they saw my username. I wasn’t really being true to myself or to what I wanted to be. I also wasn’t doing anything more than attempting to fluff up whatever I saw from others and utilizing it in my practice. What I kept forgetting was that I wasn’t their path. I was on my path. And I was terrified at all that was going on around me, but I had to strike out on my own in order to understand anything about me, my path, and the relationship I was attempting to have with my goddess. So, again, I have to think that I was so busy holding myself back with trying to be what others expected from me and that if I had stuck around long enough, I would be a wallowing, pithy little shit who is nothing like I am today.
I fell in love then.
Falling in love with a god is, in my experience, not very different from being in love with a human being.
It wasn’t like I was working my way forward to becoming married to Sekhmet. (I think godspousery is real so if I sound like that I don’t mean it that way.) I think that’s kind of weird. I’m very straight and very ace and very aro so it was a big muddled mess for a very long time. I never really said anything on my blog because I was very much confused by my own feelings on the subject and I was very much confused by what it meant for our relationship. I try not to be bitter about it now and I’ll continue to try not to be bitter about it in future (either in this entry or otherwise). All I can say is that for a good portion of what I wanted to say when I talked about my relationship with Sekhmet, I kept my trap shut. I mean, how do you explain to your friends and family that you’re in love with a god? And that it isn’t even a god with a penis but a god that has a womb that can create life? And a god who is also kind of like a mom figure? And also how do I just say that at all without sound weird and incestuous and strange and fucked up?
But it’s the truth.
I was in love with her.
I viewed her on this pedestal. There is no other way to explain it. I absolutely put her up on this pedestal. It’s very much like those busts that people have of the gods in museums. There they are on this big, beautiful, white pedestal and they’re up high. And they are above everything else. And that’s where I placed her. I placed her up so high and so very far away from me that it became okay to be the lowly, pitiful, disgusting human being I was pretty sure I was. I absolutely adored her. I adored everything I read about her. I adored everything that I was learning about her. I adored every little nuanced communication we had together. I felt like I was skipping through a field of beautiful flowers all the time. I was in the sunlight for the first time in my life and it was so powerful and entrancing. I was back in that euphoric stage, only it came out in different ways. I talked a lot about faith, or more specifically, about blind devotion. I was a lovesick puppy dog who just couldn’t get enough of the scent, the feel, the intensity of what I felt and I needed more. No. I was a drug addict here.
But really, it was a giant confusing mess. It still is. Sometimes, I came really close to saying it on my blog. But mostly, I just muddled it all up by saying a million other things. There’s no denying it now. I was a drug addict and I needed more Sekhmet to fulfill me. I was so involved with her that a lot of other things that were important got shunted aside. She forced me to work on those things that I had been so busy ignoring, knowing that I was too caught up in the emotional entanglements that I didn’t know how to fully voice and that I didn’t fully understand. But how does anyone understand any of this, really? How can you say, clearly, “I’m in love with a god,” not believe, somewhere, that you are fucking crazy or wrong? I was pretty sure my discernment was off – and I don’t doubt that it was, partially, since I was too busy being in love to see clear indicators I probably should have – but it was so nice to feel like I was something worthwhile. For a while.
But, I didn’t just love her because I was in love with her. I also loved her fervently because she was my mother. During a dream sequence with Hekate, she explained to me that Sekhmet had always been a constant in my life. And I began to realize that, in many instances, she had made me what I am today. It became easier and more clearly obvious that she was a mother-figure of sorts. This was born out in other UPG experiences with her, but was never clearer than when Dusken went to my soul palace/heart palace. While there, she told me a lot of things of what she saw and in that moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was truly a child of Sekhmet. It was always her influence, wasn’t it, that I had been pushed to? And whether she was around in a life or not around in a life didn’t matter. She was always the driving force in my lives whether I understood that or not. And it was then that I began to feel as if she were my mother – as though she had been working diligently on creating my soul in each next life until she would have what she wanted.
And as weird as this sounds, this made me love her more. I was never more blindly devoted to her than I was then. When I realized that she had been working on me in each life, creating and taking away, helping and pushing so that I could achieve the goals that she wanted me to achieve, I felt so much more in love than ever before. I felt that it was her love of me that pushed her to do these things. And because I felt so assured that she was doing these things for my benefit, I fell so much further and deeper in love.
A part of me thinks this is a loud of bullshit. That part that is always there, doubting, says that I’m so crazy right now, saying this. Another part of me is just shrugging my shoulders like, “who the fuck cares now?” All I know is that this whole experience, this part where I was in love with her and where I felt she was my mother in many aspects, was very strange to me. I still don’t know how to feel about it all now. I do know that things have changed, of course, but there’s no denying this part. I was blindly, totally, and wholeheartedly in love with my goddess and was blindly devoted to her.
That’s probably why this stuff hurts so much.
In July or August of last year, I made a very conscious decision to ignore the godphone that I had been nurturing for years in an effort to focus more intensely on Kemetic laity. I don’t remember what the turning point was in my love-fest but there was something that made me realize that was something I needed to focus on. I wasn’t a priest and I wasn’t going to be. I had to move forward with the laity and the focus that it really does need. Contrary to popular belief, most solitary Kemetics are not priests and they probably won’t ever be. I knew very much that this was something important to cultivate. And that was what I realized that I had been wanting for a while. I wanted to be a simple, quiet person with a blog who knew what laity was about because I was a part of that laity. So, I began doing what research I could and I began thinking about things as based on what modern-day Kemetic laity would do in order to recreate a religion that was pretty damn focused on the priesthood and the ruling class.
Best laid plans, I guess.
I was also given an edict just before Wep-Ronpet – shadow work. I had a lot to do. Instead of doing what I thought I was supposed to do, I moved in a different sphere. And that’s where I kind of damned myself. I moved forward with something else entirely and I ended up moving in a direction I had never fully intended or ever really wanted. But, sometimes I think it’s because those of us who do this sort of shit aren’t interested in the next phase of the relationship that makes us more likely to fall in that trap. And that’s when I made a not-really-conscious decision to forsake all gods except for Sekhmet. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time. But that’s the thing about the gods. Sometimes, they make you think that this is all about you and what you need, but it’s not actually. It’s more about them and what they want out of you.
And now I’m bitter and hurting.
You know what it’s like to be in love with someone and then fall out of love? It’s very much like that. All the previous ideas I had held regarding Sekhmet went up in flames in a matter of seconds. I realized that it was my blind devotion that made her interested in me. Or, maybe, it was just a part of it. Maybe she was really just always interested because of all the machinations she had taken upon herself when it came to my soul. Whatever the case may be, she wanted me and I ended up playing into her hands. I ended up moving forward with what she wanted of me without even realizing what the fuck she wanted of me. I know now, of course. I know what she needs me to be and I kind of understand why. But most days, I just wish she had asked me or let me take my time with coming to the decision on my own instead of her Machiavellian machinations that have led me to where I am today.
I made a deal and I intend to uphold that deal.
But in the meantime, I find myself very often hurting because of what has happened. I’ve gone from the fluff and the uncertainty to the bitterness and hurt. I feel, most days, very much as though I am on the verge of a crying jag that won’t stop if I let it out. On those days, which as I said is many of them, I keep to myself and I keep my trap shut. I don’t discuss it for fear of making others scared of what she could do to them. I keep my mouth shut because I don’t even know how to explain all of this. But now that I’ve explained that I was in love with her and that it is because of my love for her, in many ways, that led me here, I think maybe people will begin to understand the tone changes in my entries, in my little snippets, and in my lack of speaking on many things in the pagan community.
Things have always been heading in this direction, I think, but I just didn’t realize what it would take out of me.
Sometimes, I think that what we have going right now is very much in tune with an emotionally abusive relationship. But what makes it all the worse is that I am always questioning as to whether it’s even real or not. Have I been so abused in my life on a physical, mental, and emotional level that when things are going smoothly with my partner that I have to invent an abusive relationship to feel like a real person? This is a question that haunts me. The dreams that I have – the ones that I detailed in last week’s entry fest – I have to admit that it all feels very real to me. And I have to admit that even if I am delusional, none of this should even remotely be okay. None of this should even remotely be fucking happening because this is not what I had fucking envisioned for my religious future. And now, now I am stuck in this fucking bullshit because I made a damn promise without knowing what the hell I was promising and because I said things to the other gods in my life, not knowing that I was in fact swearing them off while she did what the fuck she wanted with me.
I hate her. I love her. I hurt because of her. And I am now just a desiccated tool that she is recreating for her own benefit.
I have to admit that as I look back at all the changes in our relationship, I go back to that conversation I had with the EM. The one where she was horsing a deity, supposedly, and that deity said, no matter what I did or who I approached, Sekhmet would come and I would destroy everything around me. It’s funny because after a while, I thought that advice was a bunch of bullshit. I didn’t trust what the EM was saying because I, like the Sister, believed her to be making shit up as she went. The thing is that the advice I was given wasn’t specific enough. We all thought I would destroy my life – my relationships, my friendships, my family, my work, etc. – but that was probably not what that deity, all those years ago, meant. They probably meant just what is happening now. And now here comes the mind fuck that I have:
Was it really prophecy or was it self-fulfilling prophecy even if I thought it was a bunch of shit six years ago?
I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.