Every day, I do a daily card draw for myself. I have a strange affinity for divination apps and have a slew of them on my phone. Mostly, they are for fun or for show, but occasionally, I pay attention to patterns. I’ve noticed a strange pattern in recent weeks. On a nearly daily basis, I’ve been receiving the Tower card. I thought nothing of it at first. It was just a picture of a card on my app with a really poor interpretation attached. I ignored it but couldn’t help but notice that the days associated with that card – the work days, more specifically – were incredibly awful. And by awful, I mean both emotionally and mentally draining to the point where I came home and hid from the world. I do this a lot, honestly, as an introverted type of person, which is why I didn’t notice the pattern immediately. Whatever the case, I did start to pick up on the pattern soon enough. But the thing is, I’ve been mulling over this odd pattern. I’m beginning to think it belongs not just relegated of huh that’s very interesting but in the realm of huh I should pay attention here.
The thing about the card is that I’ve noticed it beginning to crop up in places it shouldn’t. I’m not surprised by its appearance on my Tumblr dash because, well, I follow people who have a certain penchant for Tarot and the like. However, after having not really seen too many people talking about it or reblogging images of it, and then it showing up around the same time I was getting the card on my app? Well, that… that seemed more than a little fishy. I paid a little closer attention because I had just the feeling, the idea, that it was important enough to merit a bit more than a huh that’s very interesting attitude. I’ve realized that I don’t pay too close attention to the feelings that can, have, and will overwhelm me and that’s always been pretty detrimental before. So, I’ve decided that right now, right this second, this week, this month, this year, I need to pay attention to all of those feelings. And right now, the entire fucking universe is telling me about the Tower and saying that I need to buck up, pony up, pay the fuck attention right the fuck now.
I’m paying attention here.
It got worse.
I started having dreams about the Tower. I’ve never dreamed about Tarot cards before, but what made this so much worse was that the card was alive. It was real. It was moving and glistening in the lightning flashes. I was watching the Tower go down in flames in front of me. It was little like those clay-animation movies from my childhood that I remember enjoying so much. (Now? The animation just makes me shake my head.) But I dreamed about the card more than once and I dreamed about it again last night. The Tower had flames at its base and people I loved, I cared about were screaming for saving. And the lightning was flashing, the thunder was rolling, and I was standing in front of a pile of debris at my feet. I’ve been thinking about those debris today. I’ve been thinking about the bricks I’ve destroyed, ripped from their mortared homes, and what really made me sit up was when my son’s cartoons this morning had broken down towers in them. Not every single one, of course because that would be a good deal more weird than this is already turning out to being, but a good many of them did have that broken down tower and that’s when I really noticed the pattern.
I’ve been mulling over the meaning behind the Tower, of course. A lot of people tend to see it as a pretty bad card and I don’t really blame them. Whenever I receive the card in a reading, I pretty much just go, “oh fuck this shit,” and put my cards away. Once you pull that card, you’re kind of done. You don’t even really need to know about the situation anymore once that card comes out. You know shit is going to get bad and probably in a hurry. You know that irrevocable damage is heading your way and before it comes, it will be heralded by destruction and chaos the likes of which you may not fully recover from. I can safely say that having the Tower pop up in a reading means that you need to vastly reevaluate just about everything going on with the situation you’re asking about because shit is about to get fucking real.
So, I’ve gotten the Tower on my app; I’ve seen it in imagery in both obvious and not-so-obvious places; I’ve dreamed about it.
Well, shit-fuck-damn, what the fuck is going on that is going to get torn the fuck asunder?
I’ve come to the conclusion that, while everything is ready to be torn asunder to make way for the next step, that the real thing that’s going to get ripped to shreds is me.
A lot of things have been happening in my life and in my head that I haven’t mentioned to anybody. I’ve been burned a lot by sharing my burdens with other people. Some of the burning was due to my innate nature, but a lot of it honestly has to be because I trust blindly and stupidly. Things have come back to bite in me in the ass and I’ve learned a lesson on that. I’ve realized that while I have a lot of people who I know care about me – and even people I probably don’t know very well who care about me – that I need to stop doing that. So, I don’t have anyone to vent to and I honestly don’t think I want to have anyone to vent to. I don’t always like being the advice giver and not getting it back in turn from the people who profess to care about me, but I’m also acutely aware that just because I open up to somebody doesn’t mean that I chose the proper person. So, I know that while this isn’t a very healthy thing since “everyone should have someone to trust” or some other tripe like that, I just know that I cannot even remotely open my mouth about things.
And things… well, they’re changing.
More to the point, I’m changing.
I know a large part of the change stems from the agreement I had with Sekhmet a while ago. While I’m nervous and uncertain about what those changes entail and more specifically, what she is asking me to do in her name, I also know that I have no choice and that I don’t want to back down. I plan on meeting the commitment, head on, and knowing that right now, I have to find a lull. I have to go into the lull in order to see the shit through. And the shit that is coming, I know it’s going to be difficult. But I also know that, as with everything else that has been thrown in my path and been forced on me in the last three to six years, I can handle it. I may not handle it all with aplomb or dignity, but I know I can deal with it. I’m at a pretty low point now and I know that things can only go up from here. Besides, right now, the Tower may be talking about other things in my life but mostly, I know it’s talking about me.
Things are changing – I am changing.
I’ve been analyzing myself a lot in the last few days. I was lucky enough to have a four day weekend last week because of the holiday. It’s one of the only nice things my boss will do for her employees – give them Thanksgiving and the next day off. I had been mulling over the card on these days and the changes I’ve noticed in myself. I’ve been staying away from a lot of things. Some of the changes are hard and painful. I’ve been analyzing myself on a level that I haven’t done since the last time I gave serious vent to the shadow work that I have been doing for the last year or more. While I’ve been technically shadow working on the astral and doing things there that hasn’t necessarily translated over here in the same vein. Entries regarding my shadow work have been more flowery and less substance; more fiction-like and less brass tacks. But now with all this time off, coupled with some obvious “ah-ha” moments this past week, I’ve been able to translate it and realize that I have definitely changed and I’m tearing down the old brick and mortar, painfully and slowly, but I’ve been doing it.
I’ve been looking at things that I’ve kept to myself and I’ve been looking at things that I’ve kept buried for a long time.
I’ve also been doing a lot of healing during that time.
I know a lot of this stems from the White Room Incident. I was in that room for a very long time and at first, I hated that place. I didn’t want to be there for any reason whatsoever. I knew that it was a safe place and that the things I was doing within was a good thing. However, just because you consciously know that it’s for a good reason doesn’t necessarily equal to having a desire of being there. But in the end, I have to admit that it really is a good thing. I’m doing better now. I can feel myself on a much more even keel than I have been in years. And I also feel… calmer, more confident, and less like caring about what other people think about me or my practice or anything in between. While, at the time, the white room and the items that happened there were anathema to me, now I can appreciate all the careful planning and the help I received in doing what was needed. And I can also appreciate all of the good that came from.
I did the shadow work that I thought would take me a year to perform – the high school shit and other items – in only a couple of months. I guess all of last year was gearing me up to a heightened timeline once I agreed to Sekhmet’s deal. I’m grateful, honestly, that I haven’t had to go through each moment like I did with my ex-husband. The start was that entry about soul mates and the ending was the White Room. I walked through the fires of the pain I’ve carrier with me for ages and let it wash over my wounds, healing the ones I’ve been poking and prodding for years and years. Some days, I may still wake up with a sore heart or a sore spot, but it’s okay. Shadow work isn’t some magical cure search, as I had been trying to find when I first started doing this shadow work, but it is helpful and important. And as I realize that, I look back at that white room and all the stuff I went through, a lot of which I didn’t detail and won’t, and realize it was all for good.
I’ve come to realize that shadow work is very much the Tower. It is the epitome of the Tower. Each person’s work here is different, of course, and unique. That’s the point in it because it has nothing to do with outsiders and everything to do with what you need to do for yourself. And I did a lot of stuff for myself in the last 18 months that I probably never would have done. I may not necessarily be exactly what I wanted to be when I first started doing the magical cure search, as I called it, and I may not have necessarily ended that search for that cure in the way I had originally thought I would. But, as I looked back at myself and the changes I’ve noticed within, I realized that I am content with how things ended up. I’m pleased that the timeline, honestly, was quickened because I get to spend less time poking at scars that didn’t heal properly and more time feeling better for all of it. I may not be perfect with the destruction I caused myself, but I’m definitely better. And that’s all anyone can hope when it comes to shadow work.
And you know how I did that?
I tore down the bricks, ripped into the mortar of myself, set aflame the bits that needed it, and destroyed everything in the process.
And that destruction was a good thing.
Currently, I am the embodiment of the Tower. I’ve changed. It was chaotic and it was bloody; it was messy and it was intense. But it was exactly what I needed to see through what needed to happen in order to make way for the changes that will begin manifesting in this blog soon enough. Those changes, some people, may have already begun to notice them. And that’s okay. I’ve begun to be more in line with what needs to happen and what will happen versus what was happening. I need to slowly, but surely and inevitably, build up to the new and exciting prospects that 2014 will hold over me and my religious practice. Just as assuredly as I tore myself asunder, it is time to tear down my religious practice and change that as irrevocably as I can as well.
It should be quite an exciting year.