I like the feel of holding a deck of Tarot cards in my hands. There’s something incredibly fulfilling and empowering about being able to pick up those cards and catch a shadowy glimpse of what may be coming, what may have happened, and what I need to do next. One of the things that I tend to forget when I’m going through a hard time is just how empowering and fulfilling those moments can be. I forget that I am good at this. I forget that I have an innate ability to catch those glimpses. And I forget that it’s calming to shuffle those cards over and over again. I spend so much time hiding from my cards when I’m depressed that I forget all of these things. I just need to remember that when shit is thick and I’m feeling like a caged animal.
I was talking to someone a while back and I mentioned that I had a thing for Tarot for as long as I’ve known about it and as long as I’ve practiced it. I mentioned to that person that when I shuffle those cards, I can enter a sort of meditative state that brings me down from whatever level of fucktopia I may be in, if only for a few minutes. The meditation of that moment when I’m shuffling those cards, before I pull them out and attempt to put meaning to the puzzle in front of me, I feel good for just a second. I feel like I can reach up to the stars if I wanted to or that I could travel wherever I want to go. I’m not kidding when I said that I feel very empowered when I’m touching a deck. But it’s more than that, too. It’s more than the empowerment and the meditation and everything in between. It’s something fulfilling, I guess, though even that word feels like it cannot begin to describe what it’s like.
It’s a part of me, I guess.
Sometimes, though, when things are particularly difficult for me, it’s not just the fact that I have the power to see a little bit in the future and possibly undermine whatever is going to happen, but a simple fact that I don’t particularly want to know what’s coming or what’s happening. I have a habit of burying my head in the sand when shit is rough and that translates over to my Tarot. That’s the dangers, I guess, for anyone who has some of those out-of-the-ordinary abilities. While mine can and mostly manifest in whatever I can gather from a card pull, it’s not necessarily the entirety of what I see. Occasionally, while I’m staring at a spread before me, I can catch bits and pieces of things that have caused whatever it is I am asking about or what I can do in an effort to push back the flood around me. And sometimes, the entirety of the situation is so shocking or so startling or so fucking huge that I just don’t want to know what the fuck is coming at me.
They say that ignorance is bliss and in some cases, I have to agree.
But in forgetting that I can do a little bit here and there to mitigate what the hell is coming at me, I’m doing myself a severe disservice. By hiding in fear at whatever I may see playing out in front of me when I pull those cards, I am allowing myself to have shit flying at me from every possible nook and cranny. I’m allowing this shit to happen by not using what I have available to me at least try to fucking alleviate it. This is something that I have to keep reminding myself as the shit mire I’m living in keeps getting worse. I watch as the leaves fall around me and I’m still supposed to stand strong, like the trees losing their leaves, while everything around my falls away. I’m not a tree, though. I have feelings about everything going on, many of those feelings are not quite appropriate for voicing or print, but I still have to stand strong like that damn tree.
So, I turn to the Tarot cards and hope to catch a glimpse.
Lately, things have been so difficult that I feel like I’m walking around in a world of gray. Even though the sun shines and the leaves are brightly colored to red, gold, and deep browns, it still feels like I’m walking in the middle of a rain cloud. I know it’s really just depression that’s coloring everything around me. I can see things in a logical manner, of course, but that doesn’t negate a damn thing when it comes to my feelings. As far as I am concerned (and I know that some people I am friendly with do not agree), emotions are not logical. So, even though I can dissect how I’m feeling and know that the world around me is very much not surrounded in shades of gray, I still feel that way. Everything is barely being kept together, no matter how hard I try. As I sit in this gray fog, screaming for help that isn’t going to arrive any time soon, I’m also trying really hard to not completely and utterly fucking lose it.
But I’m pretty damn close to losing it.
As someone who has been barely keeping her shit together for years, this is completely and utterly not fucking tolerable. I cannot lose it. I absolutely fucking can’t just let everything fucking go. I absolutely just fucking can’t stop. As much as I want to sit and lay and be depressed and read books and escape and not be a parent and not be in a relationship (because that would take away from the former bits about depressed and reading and not doing things), I have to keep going. Like I said, I have to be like a fucking tree and just withstand the shit storm heading my way. In the rallying cry of every fucking adult everywhere: I don’t fucking want to. But, as much as I don’t want to and as much as I want to fucking lose my shit and as much as I want to do something stupid and impulsive, I just keep going through the motions because I am an adult and have a responsibility to my family.
I’ve begun thinking about how to get past all of this. I legitimately don’t know. Whenever I get to a point where the world feels gray to me, I really start trying to think more rationally and more logically. I know how impulsive I can be when things suck. I mean, like seriously, on a scale of one to ten, my impulsive level shoots up to like 99 when shit sucks. So, in an effort to not do something too stupid, I’ve been thinking about things rationally. I’ve been telling myself that things have to plateau at some point and then move up from there. (Where did that phrase come from, anyway? A plateau means you go up and then you even keel and then you shoot the fuck down to the bottom again. That’s a horrible fucking phrase.)
And then last night, I was reminded that when I try to be logical and rational about things, I end up fucking things up worse. It doesn’t always seem that way when I make whatever logical decision I’m making, but it sure as shit ends up that way. I never listen to my intuition. I never go with something that feels right. I always make a rational decision because that’s what responsible adults are supposed to do. It could also be because I have a family that I need to support and, like, we can’t live off of good vibes and rainbow farts. But, I keep coming back to the feeling that whenever the hell I try to make a really good decision that’s supposed to take care of my family, I end up getting screwed over in the long run, so maybe I need to really stop doing that.
Thus, like the rambling circle that this entry apparently is, I come back to the point: Tarot.
So, when the world is gray and I start thinking that shit is just going to pile up and bury me alive until I can’t breathe anymore, I suddenly remember that, you know, I have a way to see things and to figure shit out. I have a way to get to the bottom of all of this. I have that innate ability to pull shit out of my butt in the form of pictures on cardboard and figure out the meaning behind all of that. And sometimes, if I’m really trying hard, I can see a lot more than just the pictures of those cards and see the shit that’s behind all of this.
It sure as shit sucks when I discover I’m really not so far off the mark with random comments I make off the cuff without thinking about it.
What sucks even worse is that I really am fucking excellent at squashing my intuition to the point where it’s a tiny mouse’s squeak that’s been squeaking at me this entire time.
And what makes shit even fucking worse is the fact that I could have fucking figured this shit out months ago but was too scared to look.
Consider this a warning to other people who do silly shit like hide from their own abilities: yeah, don’t fucking do that. You may get pissed when you finally take a listen and realize what that part of you has been saying this whole time because you could have already started working on the bullshit months ago.