The Godphone.

I have long days where I come home from work, sit down, and peruse Tumblr. Actually, I spend a lot of time perusing Tumblr. I end up trying to follow the threads of conversations that I miss throughout the day. I don’t tend to speak up regarding things a lot of the time because I can (and do) come off as fairly gruff. There are times where I actually mean to be that much of an asshole and other times when I really don’t. But, to be honest, a lot of the reason why I keep my trap shut is because I don’t necessarily agree with anyone who has weighed in on a hot topic and just don’t have the spoons to discuss it with anyone. But, there’s been this ongoing debate, jumping from highly intelligent to the overwhelmingly stupid, regarding the concept of the “godphone.” While I don’t deny that I have one or that having one is really all that it’s cracked up to be, I’m utterly mystified by some peoples’ views on those of us who have them. It’s like… sometimes, I feel like the people without see us as some trendy club or clique that gets into all the ritzy places without paying a cover charge and they seethe inwardly in jealousy.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole thing about having a godphone.

And you know, I have to tell you that it really isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know if the reason why I think it’s horrible is the same as other people. And frankly, I don’t care if other people agree with me. I can tell you why I think it sucks the biggest, fattest, hairiest, old toe you ever laid your eyes on. I think it sucks because it makes me doubt my sanity every day. It’s not the interruptions on a daily basis by beings from elsewhere. It’s not the fact that I feel a need to do this thing and to do it right this second that makes this the worst thing imaginable. It has to do with the intense conversations that end up happening in whatever little space within me or outside of me (whichever) that makes me think I am one thousand percent insane. It’s like hearing voices or seeing things and no one else can verify these things and you are just trying to get through your really crappy, mediocre life and then it’s coupled with all this extra.

Every morning, in some capacity, I assure myself that I am delusional and making shit up.

And every night, I come home and I feel really badly for thinking that way.

Every morning, I tell myself that I won’t have any conversations with anyone or anything about anyone or anything.

And every night, I find myself a complete liar because I was so busy chatting it up with insert deity on my ride into work.

Every morning, in some capacity, I explain to myself that I am going to pray to the gods and not listen for a response.

And every night, I come home and cry because I failed whatever I have told myself and made me doubt my sanity that much more.

I remember the days when I wanted a godphone. I laugh to myself about them now. Those days when I was really new and just really wanted to hear my gods for once, for a single second. Those days weren’t all that long ago. I can remember despairing heavily about ever hearing them. I can remember the days when I stared at the computer screen, moodily, as I read forum entry after blog entry about people who could talk to their gods. I remember every aspect of that jealousy and how much it ate me raw. I used whatever I could in an effort to get through to my gods and to try and hear them. Part of the reason I have as many [currently] unused Tarot decks as I do now is because I needed them to try and get glimmers into what certain deities wanted. I don’t need them as much anymore, obviously, but I can still remember staring at the cards in frustration and angst while I hoped beyond hope that one day, I would hear something more than an intuitive thought or a feeling. I remember those days and frankly, I miss them a lot. I look back at those days and I think to myself now, what the fuck were you thinking?

As each day passes and I fail at something that I tell myself I’m going to do relating to the mythic godphone, I end up thinking back to those days from not that long ago. And I remember how it felt to just sit around and angst. I do the same thing now. Nothing has really changed with this magical “fix it” that I saw others having. In fact, I think that there are things that are worse now. I’m so sure that I’m delusional that I’ve seriously considered just committing myself into an institution. There are other days where I don’t say a damn word to anyone about anything for fear that they’ll suddenly see a message on my forehead that says, “CRAY-CRAY.”

But as I’ve sat around and read the posts of people with godphones and those without, I’ve come to conclude that maybe having one isn’t really all that great for other reasons too. The fact that we can listen and know what the gods want at any given moment can be kind of shitty sometimes. We know what they want and so we kind of lose the soft side we had to our religion, way back in the beginning. While there was a lot of crying and harrumphing in the beginning, as there is still some now, it felt like my religion was much more… pure, maybe, or at least interesting to me on some level because there was always something else around the corner. It was exhilarating because I never really knew if I was doing what the gods wanted. I hoped so and with each passing day that I wasn’t struck down with a crippling depression or a cripple fallow time then I knew I was doing something right, somewhere. Now, it’s not that I don’t get a fallow time but that I don’t even get a break. I get dreams, I get conversations, and I get fully bodied apparitions (I guess). I get the whole fucking you-be-crazy package. And with that package, things don’t feel as good anymore as they use to do.

I’ve thought, seriously, about shutting the whole fucking thing down. I turned it on, somehow, so maybe I could close the door?

I’ve read entries, though, where people have said that’s not a viable option. I believe it was Scylla who said that once you open that door up then there’s no way to shut it. I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing and I’m almost positive I’m doing a shitty job at that. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. But, I think back to those comments, not just from her but from others as well, and I think, “Well, why not? I can shut my front door and lock it. I could maybe do the same thing here.”

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the conversations I have on my ride into work with the gods. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the moments in the Lake of Fire with Sekhmet or the Duat with Anup or anything. Those times together are very nice and precious. But, I honestly worry that not only is this screwing with my head and with my sanity, but I’m also pretty sure it’s pushing my practice into a direction I don’t want to go. I’m not sure what the gods believe this is going to do for me. I don’t even really think that I want to know what all of this stuff is supposed to be doing for me. All I know is that I’m almost positive I don’t want to head in that direction anymore. With each new conversation, each new visit, each new godphone experience, I begin to fear a little bit more about what it all means and what the whole purpose is.

I got what I wanted way back when but I have to ask if it’s even worth it anymore.

And I don’t think it really is.

26 thoughts on “The Godphone.

  1. Sounds like you and I got on similar boats hahahaha.
    Theoretically, you can shut the door. But there are always consequences to it, and sometimes the door only stays shut for a little while. However, if you are seriously having too much at once, I’d tell you to maybe talk to one of your NTR, and tell them to maybe dial it back a bit. Or work on shutting the door a few days out of hte week to allow yourself recup time.
    Food for thought, at least. :<

    • Well, at least I’m not the only one in this boat.

      I think I want to shut the door, or at least try. All of this is so overwhelming, especially with 11 NTR, that I can barely stand for the racket. I’m grateful my job is so much attention to detail because it gives me a [stressful] break. XD

      I’m going to reach out to S and see what comes of it. Maybe I can settle back into a quieter routine. Hopefully.

      • Seems to me that you might need to forcibly tell some gods to back off for a while. Sometimes you just got to set up boundaries. Remind them that it does them no good if they end up essentially breaking you because they don’t respect your spoon limits and needs.
        Hopefully S will be able to assist you with it.

  2. Sometimes I wonder if it is a “door” and not a ceramic jar without a lid that you have to smash to pieces to get inside and that’s why you can’t get out once you’re in.
    Perhaps we should all take a moment to consider the tale of Pandora; even though hope lay in the bottle of the jar/box/whatever, she still released a bunch of ‘evils’ into the world.

  3. When you said “in the Lake of Fire with Sekhmet,” I thought that sounded cozy. I have been hanging out around here too long.

    People seem to imagine that when you have a godphone that means that everything becomes clear and easy, and you live your life in certainty and truth. It really does feel like a big ball of crazy. I can’t prove that it’s not “all in my head,” not even to myself. But they don’t shut up. (Thou shalt not ask the king of the gods what he’s been smoking.)

    • It can be cozy! It’s usually where we go when we need to have some quiet time and get me some teachin’s.

      I do think that a lot of people view the godphone has some magic cure-all for everything. And it’s really a shame. What people don’t seem to remember is that just because you have this “super awesome thing” doesn’t mean it’s really, you know, super or awesome or even worth it.

  4. You were paraphrasing -very- well. Specifically I said that when you’ve opened the door, blasted the thing off the hinges, knocked out the doorjam, and blown half of the wall down there’s no shutting it. And that’s exactly what a lot of folks do/have done in their quest for “hearing spirits”. The real problem that results from that isn’t just hearing the spirits you want… it’s hearing the ones you don’t, and having to work twice as hard to keep them out.

    There’s a very strong culture in “woo” that says “Don’t warn newbies. Because either you’re being mean and fear-mongering, or you’re trying to limit them.” Rather, it’s about educating people not to touch the red-hot iron. If they’re really determined, you can’t stop them… but you can be a pal and say “Hey, kiddo… that thing’s hotter than hell. Don’t touch.”

    In my opinion, the only people who should really be concerned about godphones are the people that feel drawn to being clergy. Because that’s basically what the gods are going to end up doing with you once you’re a clean pipe through which they can pour their thoughts and opinions. Whether, generally, the person likes it or not.

    • I don’t really hear a lot of spirits outside of my dozen to dozen and a half. Some of them are rather loud, however, which is a problem. I always feel like I am developing a migraine after spending too much time with the lwa. The Kemetic gods, at least, are a good deal quieter and less prone to shouting, at least.

      I can’t stand this “no warning” thing, honestly. If I have to warn my son about not touching a hot stove, and the consequences of his touching a hot stove, then I need to warn newbies about what to expect when it comes to the woo. If I don’t warn my kid, then it’s neglect and I can have him taken away from me. While I am not the parent of any of these neophytes looking for “woo,” I am at least partially responsible for them as it is via my posts, my thoughts, my comments (possibly) that has led them to the wanting of the “woo.” So, by golly, I’m gonna warn people… whether I get bitched at or not.

      I have never, ever wanted to be part of the clergy. Point of fact, every time I have had the thought cross my mind, I have shuddered or screamed. And since I’m not interested in the priesthood, then why can’t I shut it down, turn it off, close the door? It’s not like I need all the headaches and fear for my sanity since I’m only trying to build a foundational layperson practice (right now). So, why not just let me put some of the loudness and the headaches and the tears aside?

      I could be asking for too much, however.

  5. My heart aches for you.To hear you in such agony. You must be true to who you are. You are a mystic. A soul that blazes in the divine fire of the Gods & Goddesses. Some people envy souls such as you. They don’t know the price a mystic pays for being connected to the Divine ones.
    Do what works for you. The pain we carry is the desire for wanting to love & be loved by the Deities who show us such wonders. When the connection isn’t there, we can die without their divine presence.
    Be who you truly are. You have no one that can judge your spiritual path.
    Know that you are not alone.

  6. I can shut the door for a months at a time – I think the longest I ever managed was two years – but turns out it leaves me crazier than just answering the bloody doorbell. It’s not like it was before the door was opened the first time, because now I know what’s on the other side. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

  7. Pingback: On Being Broken | The Twisted Rope

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  9. … … … damn. two days ago the spirits were like “hey yo you know those bookmarks on google chrome? there’s a post on having a godphone and suffering that you should read.”
    and I was like, “what? okay.”
    fml. okay, so I am genuinely delusional and paranoid. I’m a mentally ill spirit worker. I hear voices that are cruel, malicious, and manipulative. I ALSO have a godphone. discernment is hard. hearing and seeing spirits so much can be exhausting and, like you, I am not always convinced this is good for me. as much as I love my deities and spirits, sometimes I want to close the door.
    I really appreciate this post and I feel less alone in the world. thank you. <3

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