Note: The above title is taken from a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
This morning, I woke up with a mission in my head. I had gone to the astral – as I have been for the last few weeks – in search of something. Somehow, my astral self ended up in front of a god who is not mine and will never be mine. This god requested that I reach out to a follower of theirs and just saying, “X told me to find you.” That was the mission. That was the entirety of what this god wanted and I completed this mission. However, this makes me intensely sad in a way that I can’t begin to fathom. I woke up with the mission – knowing that I would do it – in my brain and knowing that this changes something somewhere. This means a lot of things but what irritates me the most is that this god, knowing I would not want to do this but would do it anyway, used my kindness against me.
This is part of the reason why I don’t work with that particular pantheon. From what I have seen from other polytheists, they are not above taking advantage of a person to get what they want from that person.I know that my gods – my Kemetic pantheon – are not above doing this, either. I also know that each god begins forging a relationship with us pissant little pipsqueaks for all their own reasons. I know why Sekhmet is here. I know why Aset is here. I know why Djehuti is here. I know why Hetheru is here. I know why Bes is here. However, while I may not particularly like what it is they may want of me and while I may kick and scream all the time about it, I still end up doing those things. Their purpose in my life – outside of Djehuti’s intense desire to get me to start writing again – are for things that are necessary to who I am, to who I will be, and what my purpose in this life is for. They are very, very open about that…
Even a few months ago, I would have still been guessing as to what their overall purposes in my life would be. But, it’s as though I’ve turned a corner or perhaps just because more mature on the subject matter. Whatever the actual reason is, I’ve passed something or surpassed an unknown point and they’re more likely to fill me in. Maybe it’s just because I have dedicated myself to them and to their vision of what I should be so much that they know that, as much as I may piss and moan about it that I will still end up doing it because I am aware of the Bigger Picture. Whatever their reasoning is, they will tell me, either in that moment or some time later, and I trust in that.
However, when a god outside of my pantheon requests something from me and I don’t know the reason why, I get more than a little pissed off. I get upset and irritated and very, very sad. It makes me feel used in a way that anyone who has ever been used by a god or by a human being should understand. It makes me feel like the person I actually am – not the loud-mouthed, fast-talking Leo, but the person afflicted with a Gemini moon – is something that other gods look down on, snort about, and will make use of just because they know that I will not say no.
This is the point where my friends who astral regularly will say, “You can always say no.” Or they will say, “grow a thicker skin.” And I’m just… I can’t really convey how not like that I am. I’m actually really quiet, shy, and introverted. I don’t view the astral as they do, in any way. One tends to view it as a home away from home, so to speak, and the other tends to view it as a cray-cray place with things that are even more cray-cray than the place itself. (I’m generalizing so that I don’t say too much about really great friends and make them feel like I’m shitting on them while also trying to keep their astral lives private.) I don’t see it as a cray-cray place with things that are insane – I see it as a scary place that I have to go to in order to find that thing I’m looking for. I don’t view it as a home away from home – I view it as a viper-infested pit, trying to suck me into it.
Ask anyone who I have had a real conversation with and they will tell you that I went into the astral, kicking and screaming because I didn’t want to open up that can of worms. I had no choice, as last night’s revelations have made me realized (revelations prior to god asking me for my messenger ability), but that doesn’t necessarily mean I like it. I do not want to live there. I do not want to be there. All I want is to find what I’ve been looking for in the last few months, do what I need to with that thing, and then move on with my life. My next problem being, you know, that since the door is open, it will be 10x harder to shut now, if impossible.
As my friends will point out – and anyone else who is reading this – they will remind me that I can say no, and vehemently. As I have said in the past: It is just fine to say no to a god. I absolutely agree, but I’m that jerk face who will give you everything I have in order to make you happy, to the point where I will actively begin sacrificing myself before realizing that there is something wrong here. Let me put it to you this way: it wasn’t until my past employer asked me to break federal law that I realized that the job was killing me and I should probably begin job hunting. (And not even a few days later, they fired me so, ha!) I am that asshole who would willingly jump into a vat of acid for anyone. I may say mean things, I may be acerbic, but generally, I’m willing to sacrifice the core person who qualifies as “Satsekhem” for other peoples’ happiness.
In same vein, I end up wearing my fucking heart on my sleeve, either here or in the astral, and everyone can see what exactly they need to do in order to get me to the point where I will do whatever they want. The god, as mentioned above, probably didn’t have to look too hard. In fact, he was probably purposely searching for me to do his messenger bit, knowing just what makes me tick. And I did it. And I’m sitting here, drinking my morning coffee, trying to not to cry because there’s now a whole new group of people that I don’t want to have anything to do with who can and will take advantage of my nature.
What makes this even worse are two things.
My gods will not prevent this from happening. That’s the lesson. I have to learn it. Sekhmet flat out said that I had the option to say no but didn’t. And while she understands the kind of person I am, as she explained to me earlier, that is one of the things that they’re trying to help me out with and it’s time to buck up and get working on that.
I am actually a Leo, through and through, but it’s because of other things that few people know about me that have caused me to be like this. The person I am supposed to be – the one the gods I have are working towards – is supposed to be very akin to Sekhmet. But right now, other aspects of myself are at the surface and there’s nothing I can do about it until I complete more shadow work and complete yet more execrations.
And in the mean time, I’m going to be taken advantage of and I have no way to prevent it.
So, the moral of the story is that if you are a nice, kind, give-the-shirt-off-your-back person, don’t go to the astral.