“You Tie Your Arm and Ask Me If I Want to Drive.”

I draw lines in the sand all the time when I’m on this path and every time I try to stick to that line, I’m forced to revise whatever line I’m drawing. This is vastly irritating to me because I like my lines in the sand and I like sticking to them. However, there are extreme moments where those lines get blurred, erased, or I’m forced to step over them. And I will absolutely fucking admit that I hate having to do that. It’s not just that I like sticking to whatever the line I’m drawing is supposed to be about, but that I like being able to say, I will believe X, Y, and Z but I won’t go any further with this. I’m already pretty insane with all of this shit and something new may put me over the edge. So, no further. However, as time has gone by, I’ve realized that whatever line in the sand that I’m drawing is beginning to become a sort of personal affront to my OTHERS™ and they’ll fuck that shit up to prove a point.

Yesterday, they fucked my shit up again.

I know quite a few Tumblr users who work with the whole music oracle. I’ve always been interested in such a thing, but I’ve never figured any of my OTHERS™ would use this music oracle thing. I’ve had it happen where songs that I’m supposed to use during my Magical Cure Search entries have come on, songs that I had been trying to remember but failed because my memory is filled with nonsense things like ring-tailed lemurs from Madagascar. (A family trait is being able to distinguish places from photographs, or in my mother’s case, animals and where they are in the world from photographs or TV programs.) But, on three separate occasions now, OTHERS™ have pulled out a song that was particularly appropriate for them in varying ways.

In the first instance, we had Hekate using the hit song, Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye, to hit me up. She was trying to hint at me that she and I had been working together before. It took me a while – with some help from a friend – to figure out what the message meant. But as time went by, it really helped to solidify our working relationship together. If I hadn’t heard that song, I often wonder if I would have been so dedicated to Magical Cure Search and the shadow work with the ex-husband. I don’t think I would have been, honestly. But she showed up and she pulled a song into my consciousness to (A) identify past lives together and (B) to help me move forward with the work I needed doing for my ex-husband.

The second instance, I haven’t discussed openly. I haven’t wanted to admit it, but it appears that Gran Bwa has been using Radioactive by Imagine Dragons to get my attention. This song first came on the radio the night after I began dreaming about him. I like the song – it’s a good one. It has a very nice rhythm and I enjoy the message. And I didn’t necessarily realize, at fist, who the hell was talking through this song. However, the alternative message, the one from Gran Bwa, was a warning. I haven’t heard it since I realized that I was being warned about what Papa Legba wanted of me. He was telling me to “wake up.” And of course, I didn’t so I was kind of blind-sided with Papa Legba explained what the hell he wanted from me.

Just because you hear the message doesn’t necessarily mean that you understand the message.

Yesterday, I was driving home from work and studiously not seeing the spirit world or the astral world. I’ve been very conscientiously ignoring anything “out of the ordinary” on my way home since I watched a bush stand up, stretch, spin around a bit, and then lay back down. It was all very normal, almost like I was watching a dog find a more comfortable place to lay down. However, I was seeing a bush and told myself, “NOPE.” Since then, I’ve been less than interested in anything astral related. I have not wanted to do a fucking thing I’ve been asked to do. And by golly, I’ve been studiously ignoring everything spirit related around me: the land spirit; the girl in white who took up residence on the staircase in my apartment complex, the deer spirit eyeballing me from work who wants more apples to feed it; everything. I don’t really give a shit what the hell happens or what’s going on around me. I am a big bucket of nope.

So, to get my attention, my OTHERS™ played around with my CD player. I had been listening to Ten Years Gone, the Best of Everclear 1994-2004 since Saturday. I turned the CD player on, ready to hear their rendition of I Will Buy You a New Life when Strawberry came on instead. I was a little taken aback because, you know, I was two songs away from that one. But, maybe I screwed up and forgot where I had actually left off. No. No. Of course not. Sekhmet was fucking around with shit and wanted me to listen to the song. It’s a very nice message, oh yes.

“Don’t fall down now. You will never get up.”

This message, luckily, is far more easy to decipher than Gran Bwa’s message.

I’m at the point where I just want to say, “fuck it all,” and leave this life. I don’t want to be Papa Legba’s mouth piece. I don’t want to watch as he maneuvers the pieces again and again and again to get what he wants out of my life. I don’t want to be Sekhmet’s mouth piece. I don’t want to watch as she molds me into something that is more amenable and easier for her to use. I know the reasons for the two of them fucking my day up and prancing around like loons, laughing uproariously as I slap them with “human concerns” as to why I can’t do whatever they are asking. I get it. I understand. It doesn’t mean that I particularly like being manipulated by gods, lwa, or anything else on this fucking planet.

And it really doesn’t help when they say, “These are silly, human things.”

But that’s the point in why I bring them up in the first place. I’m human. Things are supposed to be fair. Things are supposed to be easy. Things are supposed to be smooth. I’m supposed to hate my job and hate my life, retire at 65 and fucking hate the rest of my life some more. I’m supposed to get bitter and angry and foul the older I get and you know what? I can’t fucking do any of that shit because I’m so busy with my religion that I know being bitter probably goes against the living in ma’at thing and FUCKING HELL, GODSDAMNIT IT ALL.

We all go through hours, days, weeks, and months where we just can’t handle all of the “woo” going on in our lives.

I can’t handle the “woo” going on in my life, but if I stop even for a second now, I’ll lose it.

So, what’s more important here?

The path?

Me?

Their wants and desires?

My wants and desires?

As I’ve been known to say, our wants and desires don’t figure into this.

And now is no exception.

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15 thoughts on ““You Tie Your Arm and Ask Me If I Want to Drive.”

  1. I hesitate to comment here because i do not know you. I do not follow these paths of god-possession where they tell you what to do all the time. I would say one’s true Self is most important at this time, and to meditate on that and try to shut off the voices of the gods for awhile since they seem so demanding and are causing you discontent. But then i am more of a Jungian pagan and Buddhist who believes the gods are projections of our minds, not that they are beings bossing us around. I hope this helps and is not taken the wrong way.

    • I wish it was that easy, honestly. But this is Bigger Picture stuff. I technically have a choice, but if I say no, then all my hard work goes out the window. And maintaining the Bigger Picture for both religions is more important.

  2. hahahahahaaahhahahaa.
    hahahahaha.hahahahha.
    hahaha.
    That’s mean, but I swear you and me are having similar motions and movements on opposite ends of the country.
    One day you and I should sit down and I can pile on you the hell that Set threw on me, and how woo is just totally eating my life away.
    It’s beautiful. And I’m on the nope boat on the way to nope town where I will sit in the nope bar and smoke all of my nope ciggs until something makes sense which is never XDDDD
    I do feel your pain, I really do. I laugh because it hurts otherwise 8DDD

    • I wonder if Set and Sekhmet knew how this shit would turn out – our lives mirroring each other – before they sent us on our way. Probably. And I bet they were like, “Let’s see if they find each other so they can take copious notes on how much their lives suck at the same time.”

      Probably.

  3. ALL MY FEELS.

    I’ve been ignoring my energy/magic-laerning studies because you know what? Having a god around all the time, and occasionally Others in His pantheon (plus that One Other Guy) was just, you know, enough crack.

    And then He decided it was Time I stopped slacking off ;_;

    I don’t wanna learn to feel/see/detect plant energies. Or all that other stuff. But I -can-, I can see colors and stuff, and I am afraid that once I become proficient at it, I will /never be able to shut it off/ and and and

    I CAN’T

    I like it where I am. I’m already on a crack bus, I don’t want the express route!

    But I’m more worried about what Loki will do if I stop trying.

    *sigh*

    Also, His buddy, Set? Totally mocked my “petty mortal comfort zones” once.

    So.

    Yeah.

    • I think gods and the lwa mock us all the time out of either jealousy or just to make us get angry enough to do what they want.

      From what I know, it’s possible to turn off the gifts we have. However, it’s next to impossible to turn them back on once you’ve done that. :(

  4. I swear that They own stock in Pandora radio. Recently, while writing about Ra I was hit with “Jumpstart my heart and wake the sleeper inside,” which pretty much sums up what he’s been trying to do with me. (TobyMac, “Ignition”) This happens so often that I hardly think that it’s strange anymore.

    I don’t bother telling them nope anymore. I just sort of keep it on my private blog. Don’t ask don’t tell, because holy crap, They pile on the strange!

    • I decided a while ago that no matter how often something happens, I’m going to think of it as odd or strange because then, I can rationalize things away. It’s not really working out for me, though.

      I tell them nope all the time. I tell everyone nope. I tell Papa Legba nope. I tell Sekhmet nope. I tell the ghosts nope. I tell the spirits nope. Everyone gets a big, fat nope from me and yet, I still end up doing what they want.

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