I think I fail at sacrifice.
As a quick recap, on Ash Wednesday, I received the intense desire to sacrifice an item at the bequest of an unknown lwa. I have never ascertained who it was requesting this thing of me – the energy signature was different from my usual brood, which is how I knew it was someone new – but I’ve wondered if it could be Gran Bwa. I had dreamed of him two or three days before and two or three days after my decision to observe this Lenten season. Since then, nary a word, but I’ve kept up my end of the bargain…
…until now, anyway.
On Saturday, we all went to a going away and birthday party for TH’s step sister. She’s going off to some place in Afghanistan in a few weeks and her birthday was this past Wednesday. The birthday cake they served was chocolate on chocolate. I really wasn’t paying attention when I sat down with a piece and began to eat it. I honestly did not make a conscious decision to “fail” at my sacrifice. I really had no fucking clue what I was doing at that moment in time, thinking or otherwise. I definitely know that I didn’t consciously make the decision to fail and that it was only after TH said something like, “HOW IS YOUR CHOCOLATE CAKE, YOU FAILING FAILER FULL OF FAIL,” or along those lines that I realized I had made the mistake.
Now on the one hand, I can take this entirely at face value. I fucked up my sacrifice of chocolate for this Lenten season. This could mean that the lwa in question who had requested this of me is no longer interested. And as someone who is as fearful of making mistakes on this path as I can be (I find it odd how fearful I am with mistakes and the lwa and not nearly as so scared when it comes to my deities), I have a deep suspicion that this is the case. I had the initial belief that Gran Bwa showed up with this request to say, I’m here and if you succeed, we will take it from there. And now that I have failed this means that he will be leaving, no?
But, on the other hand, I can’t help but ponder at the fact that I screwed up without even realizing what I was doing. I don’t want to blame this failure because of an “out of body” experience” or anything like that. I can remember being hyper-focused elsewhere though. I can see myself standing beside the cake, I can see myself grabbing the plate, and I can clearly remember putting it into my mouth. However, I can’t recall being actually there when it happened either. So, does this mean that I’ve legitimately failed or is this something else entirely?
Since I can’t make up my mind in regards to what this failure means – since, you know, omens errywhere – I don’t know if this means if I can eat chocolate again. It would be nice if the lwa that requested it, either Gran Bwa or whomever may have done the requesting, would show up and give me a definitive answer. Hm. As I type this, I’m hearing laughter in my head, so I get the feeling that whomever actually did the requesting will not give me a definitive answer one way or another. I have to rely on intuition here, I suppose, but I’m horrifically lacking in that department at the moment.
The worst part about all of this is that I honestly feel like I’ve failed even though I never consciously made that decision. I may not have been consciously failing at the time, but the gist is that I did indeed fail. And this makes me wonder if I ever wanted to actively sacrifice anything in future – as I had been considering doing continuously in cycles throughout the year, honestly – if I would be able to succeed. Doubt; thy name is Sat.
But what if this failure isn’t my fault? What if it’s the cause of some other being that I ended up eating the chocolate? I honestly can’t remember what it tasted like. It didn’t even hurt my teeth, which is odd since I have bad teeth and sweets in large amounts will always do that. And I had been traipsing through cemeteries earlier in the day as well as mere minutes before the cake eating began. (TH’s step brother’s home is literally thirty feet away from a Catholic cemetery that had three worn headstones from about the 1790s – and a relative of people whose graves I tend regularly.) So, if some other being or OTHER™ caused me to fail at this… then did I?
And of course, it’s not like I’m going to get a definitive response from the lwa in charge on this one. This is definitely between me and Bondye.