Today, while I was cleaning around Aset’s kitchen altar area, I began wondering what I needed to do with the cauldron while I was cleaning. I actually try not to put my sacred items “just anywhere” even if I’m doing a cleaning spree. I tend to try to make sure that the space I put their items on is acceptable in some way or another. Usually, I just need to find a space that clean and ready for sacred items for way-station purposes. While musing whether or not leaving it on the counter was an acceptable spot or not, Aset said, Why not place it on Hekate’s altar? It would look lovely over.
At this point, I’m pretty much waiting for all of my OTHERS™ to leave me. Considering my work space being incredibly Christian in its background, I can’t really do the things that I would like to do in order to feel more connected with my deities. I have some ninja ideas to make my desk acceptable to my various OTHERS™ and some action items, such as stretches or barre maneuvers, but I also share my office with someone who I believe does not like me very much. So, I try to remain quiet and unobtrusive as much as I possibly can until the office I share becomes the office I use by myself. In the mean time, I keep feeling like a complete failure because all I can do is have my jewelry on me every day and by the time I get home from work, I’m too tired to do much more than spend time with my son and relax for the night. So, I’ve been pretty much just assuming that they are going to be leaving me one by one for a HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time.
“What do you mean this cauldron would look lovely over there? Are you telling me that you’re leaving me? I know I haven’t been doing a lot of magic, but I just don’t have the spoons. And we’re supposed to be doing something together, aren’t we? Is the astral stuff really just all we’re about? And don’t you need to be here for me to get a good grasp on that, to walk me through it, and why are you fucking leaving me? You just got here.”
I received a lot of giggles in response as I dutifully brought the cauldron across the way to Hekate’s altar. As I placed it down, I knew she wasn’t leaving. I’m a Kemetic gal, after all, other trappings and OTHERS™ be damned. Even if she was going to leave-leave my life, I still had the rest of the netjer about until they all decide to leave me for my [future] HUGE FUCKING ENORMOUS Fallow Time. And I could talk to her, anyway, whether she was there or not. But as I was walking back towards her altar, I knew that she wasn’t leaving-leaving.
“Well, are you going to do the household deity thing like Hetheru, then? I mean, I can make some room for you up on the half wall. There’s not a lot of space because of that candle and because of the things I’ve accumulated for Hetheru, but you guys can share some things, I guess. And would that be okay, anyway? Would you guys be able to share things because you did the usurping thing? Would that work out well? And can you get along? And why am I asking you, shouldn’t I be asking Hetheru all of these things?”
Instead of just getting a case of the giggles, I had the distinctive image of a very undignified Aset, kicking her feet, howling with laughter, tears streaming down her face.
I backtracked to the very beginning of the conversation, how she had made it apparent that the cast-iron monstrosity that is my cauldron would look very nice on Hekate’s altar. The answer was there, maybe, and I was just freaking the hell out because I’ve been two steps away from panic attacks pretty much since two weeks into going back to work. So, I sorted it all out and back and back and back again. And that’s when I realized that Hekate’s presence had been minimal, at best, for the last few weeks. I had chalked it up to the THEY ARE ALL LEAVING thing but she doesn’t have much point in hanging around…
I’ve taken care of all of the astral shenans necessary to move forward on my “magical cure search.” I’ve been entirely finished with all the aspects Hekate was going to be working with me for some time now. I just have a few last minute things to wrap up – namely blog entry related – and then a huge fucking cord-cutting rite that I’ve been planning since I realized I was that fucking done with the ex-husband things. And after that, most of the shadow work I’m planning on working through are inherently personal and while a woman wronged has happened in those instances, not in the very instances that really scream Hekate. It makes sense that she would help me destroy a tie that we had together especially considering the help she gave to me in one of my past lives. But the rest of this stuff that I need to work with are specifically death-related or specifically Eye of Re-related.
So, she’s stepping out. Moving on. Working with others.
I honestly don’t know how to handle this, either. Do I keep her altar as is until the cord-cutting rite is completed? Do I just start appropriating it for something else? Do I move Aset over there now? I honestly have a hard time letting go and saying good-bye. I don’t really know how to do that well, which isn’t all that surprising. Considering all of the shadow work I’m having to do pretty much comes down to “not saying a proper good riddance” or “failure to say good-bye properly,” this makes sense.
So, how do you say farewell to a deity whom you no longer need?