I’ve been pretty busy on the mundane front lately. I have had a lot of things to get done with this ever-looming (if slightly imaginary) gong heading towards me. I had to find a job. I had to get Christmas all settled. I had to get certain rants out of my system. I had to do a lot of things that just… you know, were there and needed to be dealt with before I could get into anything further. The thing is that even while I’m busy putting off the big stuff – posting about it, more or less – that doesn’t mean that the minor set up isn’t going on in the background. However, I got my ass handed to me this weekend regarding my “need to be mundane for a while” procrastination front.
The lesson: don’t put this shit off or else the consequences will be dire.
One of the things I’ve been heavily ignoring is that I’m not quite finished with the ex-husband stuff. I like to think that I am, but I’m legitimately not. As far as I can tell in the astral travels with Hekate, we’re nearing the end of our tumultuous and excessively many past lives together. The most recent escapades in the astral have been heavily blocked from my conscious mind, per my request, because these are the hardest lives. These are the lives where we tied our souls together; the ones with children; the ones where death together or at the hands of one another have happened. These are all the lives that we’ve been building up to while we traverse through the so many, many times we’ve tried and completely failed. And no, I’m not joking; we have entirely failed in whatever endeavors we initially set our souls up for, which is why this whole destruction of our connection? It’s fucking happening.
The thing is that while I’ve worked through a lot of this-life issues and I’m integrating the lessons and pains from my past lives into the essence of my soul, there is still a lot of baggage to work through. I’ve been ignoring that baggage in lieu of the other more real, more now items I’ve had to contend with in the last month. I’ve also been ignoring it in regards to things with the Christian friend that I’ve never said and have always wanted to. I’ve been ignoring all of this baggage from this life and it really isn’t a good idea. I finally figured out why that’s not a good idea.
After last week’s dream sequence featuring the ex-husband, I kind of knew I had to get into gear. I had at least one more dream featuring the ex-husband ruining my life or chasing me around to ruin my life. After a lot of talk with Devo about things, we talked about me doing a full-fledge cord-cutting rite. It sounded like a good idea. I had some prep I had to do prior to getting that done, however; I have to write the TERRIBLE, AWFUL, PAINFUL entry that I’ve been hoping I could get around and not write. So, I put off the writing of that entry and fell into a funk on Friday. It was a deep funk and completely unwarranted; things have been looking up… ish… the last few days, so what the fuck?
I ignored the funk.
I decided I would just let the weekend go by and work on the entry when I felt ready. Of course, the thing about “feeling ready” is that it doesn’t happen when you’re in a deep, painful depression. I just thought it was maybe a hint of SAD or something that was getting me, at first. And then yesterday, I received a message from the Sister about her dream in which the ex-husband gave my son an entire bowl of her Lamictol to munch on just because he could. (We don’t know the reason because she killed him a lot before he was able to explain. And it’s not like an explanation was necessary, anyway.) I thought that was weird; my best friend was dreaming about my ex-husband in relation to dreams I had had earlier in the week? Oh, how strange is that.
And I renewed my silent (and possibly ignored) vow that I would write that really awful entry so I could get down with the cord-cutting.
Last night, I was in such a blue funk that I had some suicidal ideation. I was watching a movie that brought this about, sort of, so I ignored it. I figured I was just having a brief moment of complete downward spiral. I have a job that I’m starting on Wednesday and a shit-ton of chores on a never-ending to-do list to get done today. I ignored the depression, the suicidal moment, and just went on with my evening. Until I’m sitting around on Tumblr some time later and I watched, in my head, as I hung myself from the hook above the light in my dining room.
Houston, we have a motherfucking problem of epic fucking proportions.
I went running into my son’s room for some snuggles and the feeling eventually faded, as did the imagery itself.
I have to take a second out here and explain that suicidal thoughts are just not me. I haven’t had a serious suicidal thought since I was a teenager. I’ve long since stopped my love affair with death and dying, which is what I tended to view my suicidal feelings as. Even with all of the horrific, awful things that the ex-husband had done to me, I never wanted to die; I wanted to run away. With the Sister has my best friend and having gone through, with her, her suicide attempts as well as knowing her back story… I would never ever fucking do that to my son. Upset beyond all measure, I made a slightly incoherent plea on Tumblr about all of this.
There was no way these thoughts were mine.
I thought that, maybe, during one of my astral shenans a slug of some sort got stuck on me. I don’t know where this thought came from, specifically, or what I even mean by the “slug” thing. All I know is that I pondered about whether it was possible that something had attached itself to me and was feeding off of me, implanting these awful thoughts. Considering all of the protective measures I take, I soon jettisoned this theory. I don’t even know how to describe all of my protective measure, in all honesty, without being more specific than I am allowed to be. Suffice it to say, I’m very careful. Not to mention, I never think that Hekate would allow such a thing to happen to me. Perhaps if I went journeying on my own, then she would allow it. But together? No.
It was recommended that I do some purifying.
I ended up doing this. And I immediately felt better after the shower. It never ceases to amaze me how certain rituals will really just make someone feel better. I don’t do a lot of them, minus mental and physical execrations. So, the reminder that I go and purify was duly noted for the next time something of this magnitude pops up. And really, I need to etch it fully into my mind so that I’m not a complete idiot next time.
Oh, so. You probably want to know what happened, right?
If it isn’t already obvious, it’s been the act of putting off that got me into trouble here. A part of my subconscious mind doesn’t want the tie to break. I think this is just the usual “used to something” feelings that people get, but on a soul level. I really can’t comment on how many lives I have shared with this particular soul. And while I’ve shared lives with other souls – TH and the Christian friend, for instance – the ex-husband’s soul and mine have predominated most of my past life living. How is that for kind of shitty? My subconscious, which is where I believe part of the soul resides, has been acting up in a way to prevent the tie from being cut. And my body is reacting to it with illness, my emotions with depression, and my mind with physical representations of what I would do if I have to continue this tie with him.
This is some fucked up shit, man.
I cannot stress it enough. If you are tied on a soul level with someone, please destroy that tie. You never know how bad things can possibly get. And when you have so many lives to work through coupled with the burdens of day-to-day living and the this-life shit to maneuver through… it’s just not worth it. Take it from someone who absolutely knows how terrible this whole experience can be. These types of things can possibly work out for the better, but that’s not always the case. And from how horrific our lives have been in the past and this one… just please destroy that tie so that you don’t have to go through something like I am in this life or in the next.