I Didn’t Want to Know This.

I didn’t want to write this post. In fact, the second this happened, I’ve been staying away from the computer almost in its entirety. If I was staying away from the computer, then I didn’t have to work on the entries I have in draft form. If I didn’t have to work on those entries, then I could put off writing this one. However, I knew last night that my time about writing this up was limited. It’s only a matter of time before Hekate comes in and does her version of a HULK-SMASH to get my ass in gear. She tolerates a lot of sass from me (I think she sometimes regrets the relationship we have), but there’s only so much I’m willing to go for. I know better than to piss off someone of her magnitude… says the girl who sasses the hell out of Sekhmet. Heh.

When I got the feeling that I needed to have a sit down with Hekate, I figured she was going to tell me how proud she was that I did the curse. It’s a pretty big step for me. I’ve talked before (in the entry about it and elsewhere) about how I’m not the witchiest person alive. It just seemed like that was the point. But when I finally got around to sitting down with her, she was very gleeful. And very, “take your time, dear; get ready for me.” While the glee made sense – yay, I’m making progress – the whole “take your time, dear” part got me a little worried. This particular feeling regarding the sit down was pressing, but it also wasn’t. Normally, I will put off our sit downs for a week or so before I actually get around to doing it for various reasons. This one was, “now, but take your time,” which was a confusing jumble right there. She told me to make a relaxing cup of tea (I did) and to get the party started (and we did).

That was about the time I sat down for a ride on the NOPETRAIN and haven’t gotten off yet.

The first card pull was the Tree in Fall, the Crescent-Crowned Goddess, and the Words of the Magus. None of these cards were telling me anything particularly easy to identify. And there was a definite “no, this isn’t congratulatory,” feeling going on. Frowning, I looked the meanings behind the cards up, my brow furrowed as I tried to figure this the fuck out. The first card is about the time of releasing that which no longer works. This correlated with the process of me actually going through and doing a curse. And actually, these types of cards have been pretty much staples in our sit downs. That’s the point to what we’re doing together; we’re releasing all the shit that no longer works. However, the second card, the goddess one, is about maintaining the vision with helpful messages from either the dead or oracles.

HUH?

I had received an oracle reading a while back from the friend who helped initiate my relationship with Hekate. In effect, it talked about working with Persephone, which I’ve refused. I don’t work with Greek gods for a reason. If I’m going to be working with gods relating to the dead – and I’m going to have to work on the things with my father, I think – then I’ll seek out alternate, Kemetic sources. But, this didn’t seem like a reiteration of the oracle that I had received a while back. This seemed something different. What the hell were these messages from the dead? Was that to do with my strong, intense feelings of setting up little altars for the Deadz that I encounter? Or am I getting messages and I’m not listening? Or should I sit down at a cemetery and do my Tarot of the Dead stuff again? And what the fuck did this have to do with “maintaining the vision”? WHAT FUCKING VISION? (As I think about this card in more depth, I am beginning to believe it relates to the Fet Gede Tarot Reading I did for myself.)

The final card is all about constant lessons. No matter how advanced you think you are, there will always be more lessons. To me, that was kind of a “no duh.” But, in all honesty, what lessons? Are we talking new lessons? Are we talking old lessons to relearn? WHICH ONES?

So, I pulled a clarification spread for the second card, since this one left me going, “Eh, what not?”

I received the Three Great Realms card, the Voices of the Wind card, and the Elder Staff card.

The first card discussed more depth and connection than what is on the surface. In relation to myself, I think I’ve come a long way and have considerable more depth than I once did. In going through my oldest entries, I still just grin at how completely childish they were. (I know I’m not alone here, either in laughing at myself or in others laughing at themselves in the beginning.) But, I think it also talks less about myself and more about my practice. For years, it was very surface heavy if that makes sense. It’s only been in the last year, with the year that I took off from work, that I’ve been able to make any headway on what I’m looking for and what ideas work for me. It’s only now that I’ve been able to get into the nitty-gritty of my relationship with Sekhmet and see how it really is. (And let me say, awesome, is a piss-poor word, but it’s as good as I can get.) This last year has really shown me how much my religion matters to me and absolutely, how fucking religious I am. I’m well past the surface here.

The second card talks about a higher calling from the outside, worldly hemisphere. This is about the moment when I started thinking, “oh shit; I don’t think I want to know anymore.” This is something that I’ve not really discussed in this blog. I don’t discuss “higher callings” because I’m content with the onion hoeing. I’m always very clear and concise when I give advice or when I’m asking questions. “I’m not a teacher; I don’t really know anything, but this is what I did” or “I’m a layperson, but here’s what worked for me.” As far as I have been concerned, the whole onion hoing has been as far as a higher calling can be. I won’t deny that I have some dreams: books, ideas, temples. They’re pretty big, wide, silly dreams, but they’re dreams. I mean, I have a message on my wall that says, “those who reach, touch the stars.” I don’t reach and I don’t touch the stars. This is because I like the onion hoing but also because I don’t want to fall flat on my face. So, no. There really isn’t much of a higher calling here.

The final card is about helping others and teaching.

Fuck.

But, as she pointed out to me with brain-like screen captures in my head, I’ve been doing this whole thing already, haven’t I? I answer everyone’s ask in my Tumblr inbox as concisely and completely as I possibly can. I have offered advice on numerous occasions to newbs who have asked here, in Email, or in any of the other public fora that I belong to on the Internet. I’ve always maintained that I am here to aid and abet anyone who asks for that help. So, yeah. I guess I’ve been doing it. But, I’ve only been helping others; I haven’t been teaching.

I decided I needed to clarify again, just in case. I received the Broom, the Oak King, and the Hearth. The first card is about rising above all the mundane. The second card is about someone who can aid me in my success. (OH OAK KING. WHERE FOR ART THOU.) And the last card is about community.

Well, shit.

Is that what I’m doing here? Is that what I’m supposed to be doing here? Am I supposed to be taking all of the flock of boating Kemetics and help foster a fucking community? Well… BALLS AND SHRINE BOLTS.

I decided I needed to go for a last ditch effort. If this was something that I’m supposed to be doing, then what areas of expertise do I need to get into? What the fuck is all this community and teaching talk about? I mean, I have varying religious interests here. We have the main movers and shakers in my life in the form of my Kemetic work. However, I also have a pretty big, huge fucking space for the voodoo and Hekate. So, what the hell? This is about the moment that Hekate figured trolling me would get the point across.

The Fates; Oath; Mortar and Pestle; Athame.

Rapidly I asked, “Are you telling me to teach in a general sense?” I pulled The Fates. The point behind the card was not lost on me. Agitated by this response, and the symbolism behind that card, I pulled another card. “Do you mean Kemetism?” Yes. This card was the Oath, which again, there’s a symbolism there. Have I not sworn oaths to my Lady of the Flame? Have I not sworn oaths to that particular path in my life, to always have it as the most important path I follow? Yes and yes. On a whim, I asked, “What about voodoo stuff?” Yes. That one was the Mortar and Pestle. The symbolism here is the integration of outside elements (voodoo and Kemetism) to create a single substance (my practice.) If it wasn’t for voodoo, I wouldn’t have a Kemetic practice today. I was pissed and angry at this point, so I randomly shouted, “DO I TEACH ABOUT YOU TOO?!?!?” And I pulled out a yes with the Athame. Oh, so very funny that her card comes out as the instrument people utilize to focus their witchy intent.

When she started chortling in my head, I walked away and haven’t been back since.

I didn’t want to know this.

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8 thoughts on “I Didn’t Want to Know This.

  1. Like I said on Tumblr- you rarely get to pick. And its a crap deal either way.
    Take me. I want to teach. I want to help. I want to make things better. But people ignore me left and right. You’ll probably be the opposite. You’ll be on the Nopeboat saying I DONT WANNA but people will come to you for help anyways :P It never fails XD
    All I’ve learned from suffering from The Itch is this- one step at a time. Make smaller goals and keep your eyes on things that are closest so that you don’t become overwhelmed by ALL OF THE THINGS.

    • So, I’m going to start teaching and then throw you into the crowd. Just for ha-has. And like, you know, that’s the soul reason right now. (Look at that typo. “Soul” instead of “sole.” Interesting. IT MUST BE A SIGN.)

      I’m going to have to plot this one out very carefully. I figure I’ll start with local things since you know, local and I don’t have to drive around or anything. And then take it from there.

  2. Sadly, life is rarely what we want to know.

    A Change is coming (and not just in the Obama sense). The draw for community has ever ebbed and flowed, but we recently had a rise in it. That has faded slightly, but I sense that it comes like the tide. For the first time since paganism started coming back, we now have not only numbers in the thousands, but we are starting to have enough people on the same path to come together to build communities. Ten years ago, the idea that there would be an Asatruar where I lived would have been amazing. Now, there’s at least two small kindreds starting to come together. To those who a group is important, like the recons such as we, we’re now starting to have the numbers to begin practicing the old ways as they should be.

    And you are perhaps one of the most knowledgeable and open Kemetics I’ve ever met. You know your stuff. Is it any wonder your Gods and Goddesses would want you to lead the way, just as I feel mine calling to me?

    Take heart, friend. Though it is a road you didn’t want to see, I think you can walk it well, and know you are not alone out there. :)

    • As much as I rant about how shitty the Kemetic community is, I really would love to have something local. I don’t think I could do it regularly. I’m really just… not a social being. I can fake it. I can do it, but I prefer to have to dip my toes into something before I jump in wholeheartedly. I just always believed that I’m like the only pagan in my area that practices Kemetism that I never considered reaching out before.

      Thank you!

      I just seriously wonder where this is going to lead me. I also am fully aware that I’m not allowed to know. :)

    • I think part of the reason I’m so worried is that because I know me well enough to know that I’m going to get butt-hurt if people don’t immediately latch on. But, thank you.

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