I just discovered that my ex-husband has had his long-awaited child. I learned it and then, I say back. I was in shock. I let it radiate through me at this sudden bit of news. It never occurred to me that he would, in fact, procreate at some unknown future point. And it truly never occurred to me that it would even remotely affect me in any way. You see, when I first learned of it, I was in shock. This was to be expected because I was kind of hit with it blind, not seeing it coming. After a while, my emotional revolving door finally stopped at “sad and depressed,” however. What an odd set of emotions for someone who is “over” that chapter in their life, though.
I silently went through all the reasons why being upset, in any way, about this was stupid and wrong. I was over it. I had walked through all the dark hallways that he opened within me and come out, whole, on the other side. It has absolutely no impact on me or my life. I will never see this sudden child or him again, if I can help it. And in the end, I berated myself for being completely fucking irrational. I’m not big on irrationality or letting my emotions overtake me. This behavior was childish and stupid. But, the feelings continued to remain pounding within me. It dawned on me that invalidating my own emotions about this may not be the wisest course of action in all of this. And while I was completely terrified that having this reaction may bring that rage ball back, I let the emotional outburst continue until it abated.
I sat down with Hekate around this point and asked her if I was overreacting to all of this. I believe my question was, I’m totally overreacting, aren’t I? The response I received was a smidge cryptic. In effect, she told me that hidden things were being revealed, but to look out for some more hidden things. I had no clue what the fuck this was about. I even wrote a rather curse-laden entry about it on my Tumblr account to that effect. It was Devo who finally interpreted this as, “Revelation inception. Revelations inside of revelations. One question answered, 50 new questions pop up.” I figured that was probably close enough and let my emotions alone for a while.
It fed on itself for a bit. Then the sadness fed on the chocolate I supplied before letting me sleep it off.
My dreams were not good, either.
On the face of it, though, maybe the odd emotions have to do with our not having a child. For six years, we were together and never once conceived. I just assume that he was infertile (when he wasn’t busy accusing me of the same). His family has severe issues in the reproduction department. But, evidently, the real reason was a lack of genetic compatibility between the two of us. If that was the case, then I could have been unknowingly pregnant numerous times in those six years only to have my body attack and destroy it, due to issues on a chromosomal level. It irritatingly makes me wonder how many heavy periods of mine were actually something else.
But, why would I be busy mourning for children that we did not have? I mean, isn’t it really just a good thing that we aren’t still connected via children?
Yes… It would have only made things more complicated, both at the end of the relationship as well as now. He would have been vindictive and angry with me for “breaking up the family” and would have tried to use any children we had against me. He did so with our dogs and my friends when he went insane. I have no doubt he would have done the same if children had been involved. And I probably would not have been able to start over in Texas, again, as I did after our divorce. Consciously, I am aware of all of the good of our not having children together and I can breathe in relief that this did not come to pass. So, maybe the sadness really is something else.
I honestly believe that it is the idyllic lifestyle he appears to be living. Or more to the point, I think it is the fact that he always gets what the fuck he wants while I have to strive for even an inch forward in progress.
He was able to marry into a good, wealthy family. He married someone who is, evidently, genetically compatible with him. The new wife is a future doctor, to boot, so money may not ever be an issue, never mind the in-laws of money. He has the ability to buy new vehicles as he desires. He doesn’t have to worry about his credit scores. He has the ability to buy a new home. He also has the ability to not struggle every day of his life. And apparently, he also now has the ability to procreate.
Of course, I have no idea how “idyllic” this life may actually be in comparison to my own life. As the Sister has pointed out to me, last we knew, his parents were renting the upstairs apartment from him. And that can be going well or that can be going less than well. His parents are fairly irresponsible when it comes to things like money. So, really, I have absolutely no evidence that his lifestyle, currently, is very idyllic. I have absolutely no evidence that everything is unicorn farts and rainbows, with birds singing praises to the new day.
However, I just keep coming back to all of the struggles that I’ve gone through in the last six years. And how he doesn’t appear to have had to worry too much about things like putting food on the table or keeping a roof over their heads.