Note: I have been hinting at this entry for months now and I can only say that I seriously hope I do not disappoint. On another note, I would like to mention that most, if not all, of what I write here are based entirely upon my own UPG (unverified personal gnosis) and so, I don’t want anyone to take this as fact to be used in their processes with this or other gods. This is for me, myself, and I but to be shared in a public setting.
As a child, I was pretty fascinated with mythology. I would pull the books out of my library on a fairly regular basis. I read the Greek book they had in the children’s section to near tatters. (Not for lack of care, but just how often I had it in my hands.) In reality, the children’s section didn’t have much in the way of mythological information about past faiths, but I will admit that I was horrifically and enchantingly obsessed with the idea of multiple gods. And by that, I mean that I would sit back after reading a section or the book, cover to cover, only to wonder what it would have been like to worship other gods. While I ended up taking out the Greek and Roman books the most often, this was because it wasn’t until later that I was able to find anything on the ancient Egyptian pantheon. Sure, I had heard it talked about in passing – I believe my teacher felt that the pantheon was too confusing to go into more detail than a basic rendition of the Osiris and Isis myth – but there wasn’t much information about it. This didn’t stop me from wanting to know ALL THE CULTURES and learn about them.
I was still fairly young when I was able to find the first book that I read about ancient Egyptian myth. It was another rendition of the Osiris and Isis myth, based off of the myths of the Greco-Roman era. But it wasn’t enough. I don’t know how I stumbled onto Sekhmet – I just don’t have clear childhood memories anymore – but I remember I was still younger than ten when I first found her. Hell, the timing is probably more along the lines of in relation to when my father died when I was seven and that’s probably why I don’t remember it. But, I remember being fascinated by what I felt was a “first vampire” of sorts, a myth that all other vampiric myths would be based on in future. The myth was child-sized, but since I was a horror buff, I was able to look up things that most kids my age would have shied away from. (THANKS MOM FOR LETTING ME READ AND RESEARCH WHATEVER I WANTED.) I got the less childlike simplicity of her drunken debauchery and the whole shebang with the End of the World, blood drinking, and the red beer that was used to stop her.
I fell out of favor with my mythology obsession, but it wasn’t because I stopped caring. It was mostly because of the reading comprehension and my reading ability. As I’ve mentioned, by the age of nine, I was reading Stephen King to do book reports on (and being called a liar when I turned the papers in). It wasn’t that I didn’t want to learn all that I could about myths and whatnot, but that the books I had easy access to were either too below my reading level or too above my reading level. Child-based mythology books are all well and good for a basic appetite wetting, but they don’t exactly mean that the next one you pick up is Plutarch. And even back then, I had a severe hatred for classic literature. So, while I do believe I did try my hand at Plutarch a time or two, it never felt right, it never read right, and I got bored too quickly. So, back burner for that obsession, but Sekhmet stayed with me in little ways.
For example, as I’ve said in some older posts, I would do searches of things and end up on pages associated with her. (This was also back before the invention of Wikipedia, so some of the pages I would end up on had black background with red font and sparkling pentacles in the corners. Ugh.) This was true even as a youth, but I never paid attention to it. This coincidence continued throughout high school and my general flirtation with the idea of magic and Wicca. (I didn’t know it was called that then and my basic flirtation with it ended with it being just a flirtation.) This coincidence continued in more force when I was working the overnight shifts at the front desk in Texas, back when I first started hearing about Wicca and paganism, at large. (It’s amusing that as someone who has had an Internet presence since I was very young, back when it was AOL or nothing, it was only as a twenty-something that I heard about paganism and from my twenty-plus-years older friend!) Just because these things kept happening didn’t mean that I paid attention to it.
I mean, obviously, I was researching the same things over and over again to get to where Sekhmet would come up. Right?
As the years past and I began to explore paganism more fully, I was always called toward Sekhmet. I remember clearly stating that I had a thing for her to the EM and the Sister. And that, barring that, the only real deity I wanted to get to know, at all, was Kali Ma. (I suppose I just had a thing for ‘destructive’ deities.) Since I was working in a frame work of Wicca, it was considered a bad idea to go down that route, as I’ve said. I think the Wiccan frame work is what stoppered the whole flow, but I can’t be positive. I do know that both the EM and the Sister, with their fear and warnings, didn’t help in that regard. I can clearly recall, though, in those early years that I had a distinctive belief that all gods were their own entities and none of the archetypal stuff that can commonly be found in a Wiccan context. I think that was the basic muck up in the process – the EM, who had been doing all of this stuff longer than both myself and the Sister, felt that archetypal goddesses of destruction were not a good idea because it was obvious (to her) that I would embody that those destructive qualities and, you know, ruin.
It’s only years later, in the now, that I realized just how totally stupid that whole idea is. As I’ve mentioned a thousand and one times in so many different entries, all the gods have layers. I’ve regaled people with the Sekhmet as destroyer, as healer, as fount of justice, and I’ve begun learning of her as the giver of life. (More in a sec.) If I had done proper research into Kali Ma, as I have in passing now and again just because, I would have figured all of this out sooner. But, I was cowed by people older and wiser.
I think that’s when Sekhmet started getting really angry about the whole muleheadedness. I’m not saying that it is because of my goddess that the EM went bat-shit or anything. The girl had problems, but there are days where I idly wonder if Sekhmet had a hand in the spectacular downfall that were our relationships…
When I first began working with Sekhmet, I tended to liken the relationship with me bashing my head against a wall. She was very firm and determined to get me from point A to point H. I think some of the more rapid work in those early months was designed to get me to where I am now after so many years of ignoring her. And yes, I will admit that I often wonder how far I would be on this path or where I would be on this path if I had just listened to my gut in the first place. In the grand scheme of things, I’ve only been working with her as my Lady for three years. I began in 2009. However, I had been having the urge to do so since 2006 or thereabouts. It really makes me wonder how much more work I could have gotten in the three years between my determined commitment and my dreamed-of commitment. I’ll never know, but it does make me wonder about other things…
Over the years, I’ve chafed at her very tight rein. This isn’t because I don’t appreciate who she is or why she is doing what she is doing, but because I’m naturally inclined to do the exact opposite of what people desire. This is no different in regards to my gods. I am quite contrary. And while I know this irritates her, I think there is some pride there as well. It means that while I am willing and able to listen to direction and follow those directions, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I do it with a snappy salute. Sometimes, maybe, I have to realize that the direction being given isn’t because I have to be just this way but for my own good. However, Sekhmet let’s me make those mistakes (of which I’ve made many, many, many) and she is always, always there to help me pick up the pieces.
The only time this has not happened was in an incident with my ex-husband and that is because, well, one day, I’ll get to that.
You know, I can remember a time when I couldn’t hear her. I believe this was actually after she had introduced me to her sister-self, Hetharu. I was supposed to be working with Hetharu, but the H’s methods didn’t jive with the amount of trauma I had going on. Whilst I understood the need for her in my life and I still do, I didn’t want the shadow work to go along with it. (GEE. CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY HEKATE IS AROUND.) During that time, I turned away from Hetharu only to lose Sekhmet in the deal. And I can clearly remember crying hysterically, like a child who has lost the only toy that will put them to sleep or make their worlds worth living, and wondering why she had left me. Someone told me that, perhaps, the lesson with Sekhmet was over. And I can also remember that she came roaring back (briefly) to assure me, very intently, that my lessons with her would never be over. And that I was stuck with her for life.
This was around the time when I began wondering how long that life was.
You see, I’ve often wondered why I have such a close affinity for her, even as a child. It seems a little weird, right, considering the context I would have learned about her when I was young. She was a destroyer. And for years, I tended to believe that I was like her in that way – I was a Leo, to boot, so you know. But, after a long time, I’ve come to believe very strongly that in this life, she was there when Khnum was molding me for my eventual delivery into this world. I also wonder if it was more in line with her directions that everything happened the way it happened as my conception. You see, in ancient Egyptian belief, there were three goddesses that made the whole baby-making process happen. There was Heqet, who was responsible for the initial conception. Then there was Renenutet who was responsible for the growth of the baby. And then Meskhenet who was responsible for the birth, itself. And while I have little doubt that they probably played a part in it, I think it was more in line with Sekhmet, giver of life, and her desires that all of this came about as it did.
And this, actually, kind of correlates with the past life soul retrieval Dee did for me months ago. In that soul palace was Sekhmet. There was also Heru and Sutekh in that soul palace, but she was there, as well. And I’d like to think that her statue, maybe, was a little bigger than the other two. Not just because she was more important but because she is more important now.
I’ve said a time or two that this is the Time of Sekhmet. Originally, I meant this to mean that it was at her direction that I was following my cues. For example, it was her gentle push that made me ask my friend for an oracle reading with Hekate and at her nudge what I specifically asked. It kind of felt like, well, you aren’t willing to do with the sex shadow work you need to do, so why don’t you work with that crossroad goddess to work out the other stuff first and come back to Hetharu when you are ready? And that’s where I am, right now. I’m working with one goddess because the Main Goddess told me it was in my best interest to do so.
Thing is that while I talk about this particular moment in my life as a Time of Sekhmet… what I’ve really come to realize that my entire life is a Time of Sekhmet. And we have many, many years to see just where this goes.