One of the things that I found while I was working was that I tended to pick and choose between having a religion and everything else. The job I worked was very difficult. It wasn’t that the job, itself, was hard. Even though most people think they can walk into a convenience store and do the clerk’s job, there are certain aspects that do require training. However, once you get into the swing of things, it is pretty simple. However, the company I worked for made the job about ten times worse.
They liked to hire people who were inappropriate to the work, blame the hiring on the managers who had no say in the process even if they gave negative feedback during the training process, and keep those bad works on. They also liked to make very questionable decisions in their businesses. They would force people to sell to questionable people, either alcohol or cigarettes, even though they had no right to override the original cashiers’ sale refusal. (They did this to me, as a manager, even though it is illegal.) They would fire the good people and keep the thieves. They would cut corners in every arena that they could, from maintenance to bonuses owed. All too often, you were hearing stories about a cashier being fired for some silly little reason only to hear later from people who had been there that the cashier was fired for filing claims of sexual harassment against a manager the company wanted to keep or for made up reasons (such as my being a bully). They accused one of my ex-employees of stealing because his drawer was off by a buck a few days in a row. And that’s really fucking awesome, by the way. Having a whole drawer for an entire shift off by only a dollar or two is, like, sainthood in the convenience industry.
They made everyone’s lives harder by micromanaging and then, would get angry when everyone was too afraid to either speak up or break out of the micromanagerial mindset. That job… yeah. When I say that it was sucking out my soul, I really wasn’t kidding. And I’ll add a little bit here. My mom once told me that one of her problems when it came to work was that she would throw herself mind, body, and soul into it. Not because she wanted to, but because that’s just how she is. And for better or worse, I tend to that really shitty genetic heritage.
So, I really got into my religion prior to getting that job. That’s when I started researching. I began to make posts on a public forum, asking questions. And I began a religious blog so that I could keep up on what I was doing. I wanted to be able to look back, one day, and shake my head at my mistakes with a grin or just be really impressed with myself, whichever happened first. (I shall admit that I tend to do the shake my head thing a lot more than the impressed part, although I have impressed myself once or twice with shit I have written.) That’s when I really began to think about Sekhmet. I tried out Ma’at first, but it was to her that I began working with more diligently.
In the beginning of this blog, I started talking about the things I did for my gods. I didn’t write nearly as much as I do now, but I tried to update frequently. Throughout the months when things would get worse and my soul would feel like it was torn in two at some points, I would just come home and go to bed. Or, I would cry in the bathtub. Or I would cry at the kitchen table. Or I would cry in bed. It didn’t matter. I spent a lot of time crying and very little time actually working on my religion. It fell to the wayside. It fell into a time tunnel and no matter what motions I was going through, I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t get back into the mindset that I wanted to be in. For months, I was silent on this blog up until the end of my journey with that particular company.
When I learned a few months back that it was time to take a step from my religious life, I really kind of fell into the mindset I had when I was working for that company. Religion fell to the wayside. I was doing my shadow work, like a good little devotee, but I wasn’t doing much more than that. The problem here is that the cycle Hekate’s cards were talking about weren’t just the same old answers to the same old questions. It was about falling back into the cycle that I had begun when I worked for that company. And I’m already in it… and I’m not even working yet.
You see, she doesn’t want me to have to slip backwards.
She doesn’t want to see me cry again.
Sure, the tears were about the job and what it was doing to me. And sure, the job really did suck ten ways to Sunday. But the tears were because I had no comfort, I had no release. The tears were because I was letting it eat my soul instead of building my soul up with my religion. And that’s the cycle that I have to break. I’m already in the middle of it, but I have to try and stop this cycle.
I don’t want to have walked twenty steps forward only to take one hundred steps back.