Yesterday, I had this intense feeling to sit in front of Hekate’s altar. I would wander around the house, looking for something and find myself in front of her spot. I would stare at the newly purchased red candle for her and I would think, I have to light this. And then I would wander away. Whenever I get overwhelming feelings like this, I try to put them off. This isn’t because I’m not serious about my religion or anything but because I don’t want to have to do something because I’m being told to. That’s one part of my leonine personality that has no effect of my Gemini moon. If I’m told to do something, I will do everything in my power to be contrary whether it is with my OTHERS™ or family or friends. But, I knew that I needed to sit down and “have a chat,” so to speak. So, I swore to myself that I would do it last night.
Instead, I cuddled with my son until I was too tired to think about getting up and actually doing what she wanted.
I cracked my knuckles and I began to shuffle the cards. I haven’t used this double-deck very often since I purchased the Hidden Path deck. I don’t feel nearly as comfortable with the bulky cards as I once did when it was just the single deck. But I get into a rhythm early enough. I have to admit that when it comes to shuffling cards, I tend to “zen out” for a little bit. I remarked once to an old friend that I can get very cranky and snotty if I don’t read cards on a regular basis. It’s the act of tapping into that part of myself that let’s me See what I need that is akin to meditation. Or at least, I assume it is since I still haven’t managed to get that art form down. The person I mentioned to thought that was “interesting.” I don’t know why. I assume this happens with most Tarot readers who have been doing it long enough.
But then again, we all know what assuming does to a person.
I didn’t ask anything specific. I didn’t have anything in mind. Well, that’s not particularly true. I’ve been having a sinking feeling that the hole I’ve been sucked into recently has been a product of hers. I had been warned, you see, that having her come into someone’s life can bring a lot of weirdness. Someone told me that she can tip things upside down on you if you aren’t doing what you’re supposed to or when she first comes in. It’s not that she’s trying to make things bad for you, but that she’s trying to cut out the bullshit, as I see it. So, it’s really not a surprise that she’s come into my life with her sleeves rolled up, ready for hard work.
Thing is… well, I’ll get to that in a minute.
So, I technically wanted to ask her if the shit stain I’ve been feeling like lately has something to do with her.
The first card that came out was the Tree of Spring. This card signifies a time of renewal and rebirth. And that makes sense. That’s where I was when I first started working with her. I wasn’t quite like a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed gal who was eager and willing. I knew that I had hard work to do and I knew that I wouldn’t get far without someone around to kick my ass. So, she came on in and we’ve been working on my shadow stuff. That’s where I was: renewal, rebirth, and new vitality being awakened. Then we get into the Tree of Summer. This card means that fullness, completion, and harvest is to be realized. So, while I wasn’t quite there yet, I was working in that general direction. It was what would end up happening with all of the ultimate work that I had going on. That’s where I was going to end up: harvesting.
Then we get to the next card, which is Otherworld. This is when I kind of started not understanding what was being said to me here. I chose five cards because I wanted a fuller message and you know, I got it but it came with confusion. You see, this card means that the time has come to move on; the current situation must be released. So, I figured this had to do with my current batch of shadow work, which has to do with my ex-husband. Perhaps she was trying to tell me that it was time to finish it and get a move on already. (I sure as shit feel like we’re at that stage yet, but whenever I think to write more about it, I get overly cautious or distracted by the most inane things. And I’m taking all of that as a clear sign that I’m not supposed to be finished yet.) So, I moved on to the next card…
And I have to be honest, I wasn’t really surprised to see it. I’ve been getting the damned Athame card so much lately that I feel like I know exactly what it says, word for word. I’ve been interpreting it lately as me not using my power to create properly. In some intances, this could be misconstrued to mean by lack of writing. But, it’s really all about the creation of your environment and using your power to create it properly. In effect, it talks about being the creator of your own destiny. And I know that I haven’t been doing much in that regard. So, I was pretty sure I understood the whole point there.
The final card was Karma. This card, and I’m quoting directly here, “signifies you are at the meeting point of cause and effect. Your choices and actions, or lack thereof, have delivered this outcome. The choice is now before you and you must now choose to do what you inwardly know is right.” So, when I read that card, I just sat back and bowed my head. I’ve been having my own issues with “failing” lately. No matter how many jobs I apply to or my resolve to talk with TH about stuff this weekend or my intention to do something, I end up failing in some regard or another. In a book I love to read, the lead character comments that he gets “don’t exist” messages from both of his parents. Recently, I’ve been getting cosmic “don’t exist” messages or that I’m doing shit wrong, wrong, wrong. I was upset and very uncertain after receiving that card. So, I decided to clarify.
The first card was Perfect Love, Perfect Trust. This card means a common goal or outcome that is shared among kindred spirits. Frowning, I moved to card number two. Priestess and Priest means that there is a need for mentorship and that I can’t quite rely on myself right now. The final card was Three Great Mysteries. That one means that a significant event is unfolding and that it will have palpable changes throughout my life.
And I just say back and went, “What…?”
So, I decided to try different tactics here. Just because I can communicate more fluently or smoothly (however we want to look at it) with Hekate doesn’t mean that I don’t have other avenues to turn to! And you know what ended up going on? No matter who I turned to, what I asked, how I rephrased it, what deck I chose, or anything… It didn’t matter what the hell was said because apparently, I wasn’t getting the answer properly. I couldn’t communicate at all with any of my OTHERS™. Now, this is never happened to me before. I’ve never been shut out from my herd because one of them is frustrated that I didn’t understand the message.
I was legitimately scared of what all of this meant. I began imagining years upon years stretching ahead of me as I tried to figure shit out. And I got a little angry. I was a fucking Kemetic with a little lwa mixed in when I began working with Hekate. I didn’t ask for it; it fell into my lap. I knew I needed it, but it’s not like I said, “Oh, I’m going to work with…” and hit a name on a dart board. And all I could think was that my new life was going to be to work, solely or primarily, with Hekate. At her whim, I would be able to communicate with the gods who owned my heart and my head, but only if she let it be so. I was furious. I was scared. I was angry.
But really, I like to jump the gun.
I began to interpret all of this as, well, the same old cycles being repeated because I suck at everything. I mean, that’s a really pessimistic view of shit. And it’s not really the correct interpretation as I found out later, but I couldn’t help but just see everything in a giant blur ahead of me as oneness, sameness. No difference and no change because I can’t break out of my own cycles. I can’t keep from making the same mistakes. This was a recurring theme, which is why I went in this direction. Last night? My dreams. Yeah. They pretty much made it seem like it was the same old cycle, the same old thing. I couldn’t break the box because all I knew was these certain set of decisions and I just kept making the same mistakes. That’s what the dreams meant and that’s what I assumed the readings meant: you suck. You can’t break out because you keep making the same mistakes because you can’t think out of the box and create your own motherfucking way.
It felt okay. It felt like I was onto something there.
But, I needed to clarify.
The questions were my trying to ask her if she was angry with me. I also asked if I wasn’t allowed to work with anyone else. I asked her if I was supposed to work with her in mundane matters: love, work, money. And the answers were no, no, no. I asked her if she was still just there for the spiritual journey and she told me that yes, that was why she was still around. So, then maybe the confusing muddle from earlier had more to do with my NOT GETTING IT than anything else. (Sure, that makes sense. Why let me clarify with people who I may understand on a different level, but then, I could get the message wrong, too. So, you know, catch-22 there.) So, this pushed me to my final clarification. I asked about cycles – what cycles, then?
The first was The Key, which signifies that the tools are available for me to understand and that its presence is to reveal what is unseen. And then I really read the entry for Athame. This card is telling me to not just create, but to carve out my own world. It’s reminding me that I need to reshape and redefine what my future will be. And then, I received The Altar. Now, the part that stands out is the italicized portion. “What work are you doing to develop yourself, where and what is your center, and how do you connect to deity?” It also talks about balance on one’s life.
I kind of hit on something there. From very, very far away, I could feel someone nodding as I hit the nail on the head.
This all has to do with–