Sometimes, The Act of Suffering Is Too Much… So the Mind Does it Without Your Consent.

I was in the middle of a very interesting dream when I woke up this morning. I think that since I woke up before the dream had a conclusion that is why I remember it this morning. I’m going to relay the dream and then talk about what I believe it signifies.

So, the dream starts off with The Sister and I heading to a party of some sort, either a birthday party or a congratulations party, to someone I used to date in high school. When we stopped dating, our break up was like a resounding bang throughout our group of friends and I lost pretty much all of them after the break up. (I speak to one on FB only and the other is my best friend in Texas.) I was invited by the one friend I still speak to on FB (his name is Wheat for “Buckwheat” from The Little Rascals). I honestly don’t know why I agreed to go since the dream started with the Sister and I arriving at the bar this party was being held out. Now, the bar is straight out of my childhood. I’ve thought about it since waking up and it reminds me of the place where we used to get Penny Candy when I was a kid, Murphy’s. The place had an upstairs and a downstairs. When we first arrived, we were at the upstairs portion of the bar. We were directed to the downstairs where private parties were held, so we went tromping down there.

Upon first entering the giant room, we were standing in front of a stove with a microwave above it, which was sitting beside a washer and dryer. The room we entered was filled with tables. These are the long trestle tables that you lay a buffet out on. There was food coming out of everyone’s ears… there was just so much there. The people who were already gathered around were people who I didn’t know or if I did know them, they were shadowy and hazy members from my past that I no longer cared about. The only person that I consciously recall being there was Wheat, who had invited me. He was also the only person besides the ID-checker at the door who I spoke to. The Sister was off to the side, just waiting around for whatever shoe was to drop. I was doing my best wallflower impression, which wasn’t all that much of an impression. Wheat was doing the host thing, which if you have ever met him… that would shock you. Wheat isn’t all there and could never do the host thing for longer than a few minutes. But Dream-Wheat was on his game.

At one point, I was speaking with the Sister when Wheat came up. Various conversations were flowing around us and the party was picking up, but still no Ex-Boyfriend. The Sister moved away from Wheat and I to talk to someone. She had somehow managed to burn an old coin into her foot, so everyone kept remarking on the “tattoo” there. She kept having to explain the whole story. While she did that a second or third time, I spoke with Wheat. “I feel like I’ve got to warn you,” he says to me. “He’s planning a really cruel joke because of what happened.”

Furious, I sneered. “That was years ago, Wheat! What the hell?” Fuming, I added, “And in the grand scheme of things what happened between us wasn’t so bad.”

I beckoned to the Sister to talk to her. We were going to go into the bathroom. I walked into the hallway just as TH’s little brother, his girlfriend, and their baby showed up. (I don’t even, although I have an idea or two, which will be discussed later.) I brought the Sister into the bathroom and told her what-all was going on. And I repeated what I said, “And in the grand scheme of things what happened between us wasn’t so bad.” She agreed with me since she knows all of the gritty details. So, I ended up needing to go outside to smoke a cigarette and she came with me. While we went outsides, she told me all of the stories she had been making up to explain the scarification of the coin on her foot. Giggling, I watched as a bunch of people I met via the old store I used to work at show up. They showed up on motorcycles, but as in they had caught a ride with honest motorcyclists and instead of pulling into the parking lot to drop off their passengers, those guys from Wings had to jump off the back of them to run into the bar. I waved hi to all of them.

After my smoke break, I went back inside and the Ex had shown up. He was busy futzing around at the microwave on top of the stove. I waltzed over to him, caught TH’s little brother’s eye, smiled at the Sister. I was rehearsing what I would say in my head – that was years ago, we’re all parents now, there were kids here even now, there’s no need to let it fester this badly – and then I woke up.

Some quick notes before I move onto other things to discuss.

  1. I think that TH’s brother showed up in the dream because I tend to view him as an overprotective figure. Wherever he goes, his girlfriend goes. (I. Am. Not. Joking.) That explains her. But, I think he was in the dream as a means of protection against the ex-boyfriend who has serious military training. And even though TH’s little brother has no training whatsoever, once you size him up, you tend to just not want to fight him anymore. He is huge, he is fearsome, and the second you look at him in a fighting light, you start to see your life flashing before your eyes. So, I think that’s why he showed up in the dream.
  2. The Sister was there as moral support. The thing is that she wasn’t the Sister as she is in real life. I don’t know what face she was wearing. She was skinny as fuck, with long chestnut-brown hair that had a slight curl at the ends. She had a classic Audrey Hepburn dress on, which is how I knew it was the Sister without having to use her name because Audrey Hepburn is the Sister’s thing. In fact, she looked very 50s in the dream. Again, that’s a trademark of the Sister. I constantly tell her she was born in the wrong decade.
  3. You will notice that I italicized a phrase I used twice in the dream. “And in the grand scheme of things what happened between us wasn’t so bad.” The reason I made it so apparent is because that exact phrase was resounding in my head upon waking up. Things had happened since I had said that particular phrase, but it was still going strong in my head (like an echo without the diminishing capacity) when I woke up.

Now, I think this dream is connected, somehow, to the dreams I’ve been having where I cannot hear the conversations between myself and my online friends before having more dreams that I know I cannot and will not recall. I mentioned before that I was thinking that those dreams had to do with some shadow work that I haven’t gotten around to for various reasons. So, I think this dream is a kind of like… middle project that my mind decided to take up without my conscious mind having anything to do with it. Part of the reason I think that’s what been going on is because I haven’t been feeling as negative about some of my shit lately, but there’s just that niggling feeling, too, that what I’m saying is what has been going on.

And the real big reason I think this is because of the comment I made that was resounding in my head upon waking. I’ve said stuff like that before about the entire situation, but I’ve never actually said it to the person who needs to hear it. I’ve also never really believed what it was that I was saying. It’s not because I haven’t gotten over it, but because I always felt extreme guilt at my actions and the ending of the relationship and the subsequent loss of my friends. But, the thing is that while I could have gone about things in a much better way, I didn’t. And there is nothing I can do or say or time machine to fix that. I did what I did and that’s the end of it. The thing, too, is that when I woke up with that in my head, I was feeling extremely emotional. The dream, in and of itself, was an emotional dream but that particular phrase really brought the emotion stuff home. I think I was working through that particular moment in my life and by waking up in the middle of it, I was supposed to acknowledge that is something I should be working on right now or that I don’t need to worry about it so much because my subconscious is doing that for me or that I stopped the process in the middle, accidentally.

I’m not sure if any of those are real possibilities or if I’m just stretching here.

And I definitely feel like A.S. has something to do with this.

Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated.

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6 thoughts on “Sometimes, The Act of Suffering Is Too Much… So the Mind Does it Without Your Consent.

  1. Sounds like weirdness. Think your mind is still hung up on something from back then and is still trying to sort it out? Without going into personal details there has been serious house-cleaning going on in the dreams I do remember. Old fears, old fights, old pains all being dragged back out into the light where I can examine them and put them behind me once and for all. Is it possible this is the same or similar?

    • I know I was hung up on this stuff, but I couldn’t say if I still am. I don’t think I still am. It happened and nothing I can do about it. Nor would I really want to. I learned any lessons I may have needed to learn (even if they are, you know, more recent lessons than lessons from back then) and I’m over it. I think, more, that it was an act of trying to heal HIS pain because I really did fuck him over.

      All in all, I do think you and I are going through very similar stuff at the same time, though. WHICH IS INTERESTING.

  2. Maybe it’s time you let go of the guilt you have been carrying for the decisions you made then. Even if it was only subconsciously, it seems from the statement in your dream that you are trying to work past that time in your life. That you are trying to reconcile with some aspect of yourself. Or I could just be talking out of my butt…

    • I think that was the design behind the dream, honestly; to let go of the guilt from all that stuff. I think, though, it was also a trial at easing HIS pain along with the whole thing. The phrase that I mentioned repeatedly, I feel, was such a huge part of the dream because it was designed to help the both of us.

      Talk out of your butt all you want.

  3. Pingback: It’s Another Night of Torment | Surrounded by the Sun, Dancing at the Horizon

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