You Must Be the Change You Want to See in the World.

The above is a quote credited to Mahatma Gandhi. (I say credited because I know there are some quotes attributed to him that were not actually said by him.)

So, I noticed fairly early on this morning that I was feeling pretty frustrated. I couldn’t quite understand what-all the frustration was about. Things weren’t exactly moving smoothly, but it wasn’t really enough for me to sit around and be a grouch about everything to the extent that I was doing so in my head. I kept trying to do things that normally relax me to get whatever was going on to come to the surface. I did a load of dishes, nothing. I did some mind-numbing cleaning, nothing. I sat down and stared angrily across the room at my altar set up, nothing. I went outside and smoked, nothing. I did the breathing exercises that I picked up from a new book purchase, nothing. I finally decided that I just hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before, and that stood to reason. I was up until after one and woke up quite a few times for no reason whatsoever in the middle of the night. I figured I’d get some shit done, try to take a nap before the exterminator does round two this afternoon, and see what happened. But, no matter what I was thinking about doing to get it done, I knew that there was no way my usual tricks was going to result in an epiphany.

So, I went to the altars and sat down.

I went to Hekate first. I haven’t really communed with her in a while and I feel neglectful. Technically, the time has elapsed, but I know she’s still around. I can still feel her there, subtly guiding things to where they should be. Why am I so frustrated? I asked. The cards I pulled for her were Harvest, Initiation, and Reincarnation. Harvest talks about the ending of the cycle, Initiation about new phases in my life, and Reincarnation about renewal and restoring vitality and beginning a new life. I stared at the cards in disgust. I couldn’t see the whole picture here. I was getting a niggling feeling at the back of my head, but I couldn’t quite understand what the fuck it was she was saying. As I said to some friends about it earlier, “I didn’t have the brain energy to fuck around with the gods’ ability to play word games.” I’m sure if I sat down and thought about it long enough, I would have gotten the whole picture. But then, I think I went to Hekate knowing that she wasn’t going to give me the answer…

I should have turned to Sekhmet first: this is after all her time…

As a quick back up in the timeline of my life, on Tuesday after my cleansing and phoenix rising bath time, I sat down in front of Sekhmet and just shuffled my cards randomly for a while. I didn’t have anything specific to ask or anything, really, in mind. So, in effect I just said, “What’s up?” And the cards I pulled during that particular reading were Nebet-Het, Higher Love and Wisdom, and Aset. The card meanings that I gleaned from this is that I need to pay close attention to what I think are coincidences as this will be a signal of some future sort. The next card was about doing more shadow work. I’ve been going through some basic shadow work in my time with Hekate, but it seems like I need to either step up my game or work on some of the harder things I’ve been putting off. And lastly, Sekhmet was telling me that she would be there to hold my hand through all of this and that she would tell me, straight, how shit was going. You see what I mean when I say, this is her time after all?

Khonsu is about moving forward. Wadjet is about transformations, ego and consciousness. Nekhbet-Mother-Mut is about being transformed to REMEMBER, to embark on the journey to reclaim my true self.

I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that this all has to do with the Tuesday conversation the two of us had about what to expect for the future. But, there’s more to it than just all of that.

Now, Khonsu is about moving forward. This isn’t just the act of putting one foot in front of the other, but also about the mental and emotional that accompanies the act of moving forward. The thing is that while I can say, out loud, that the cycle is over… that doesn’t necessarily mean that I believe it. I’m frustrated by the ending, and that’s part of why I was feeling this way today. I’m frustrated because I don’t know where to move on from here. I’m frustrated because it seems like I have to have my dice lined up in just a certain way to get the moving forward part going. It’s not just about the spiritual, this moving forward stuff, but a lot of it is. As I said previously, when I discovered that the cycle was over or ending, I was fairly upset. I was near-tears upset about it. I was distressed that my sure fire knowledge of what to expect was over. So, Khonsu card is trying to tell me that not only is it time to move forward, that it’s time to accept that, and that it is definitely time to figure out what the next step is. And I can’t get to the next point (transforming) until I accept this.


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