So, what do you do when you find out the cycle is over? You take the next step, possibly in an unknown direction, but you move forward.
Today, I went to file for unemployment like I normally do, except a good deal later in the day than I usually do it. I went to file and received a very strange message. The website was telling me that my case was under review and they would contact me if and when they needed further information. I didn’t understand what this meant, but as I looked over the screen that this information was on, I noticed a “zero balance” in my unemployment account. I knew that I was rapidly approaching the moment when I would have to re-up my unemployment with the state, but I hadn’t realized how close I was. Of course, what makes this really silly is that I had pretty much pegged it as ending some time this week or next when I first filed my extension. Next time, if there is one, I’ll be sure to pay closer attention to such things. So, anyway, I started freaking out about this. My head was going to money and what we were going to do and why was this happening and all of that stuff. I was just completely beyond my ability to handle when I realized what was going on.
So, I called someone and she calmed me down. She’s pretty no-nonsense and she is older than me, so it makes things easier for me when I need someone to tell me to shut the fuck up or calm the fuck down. Anyway. After that, I kind of just was wandering around in a daze. With this background, I had other things go wrong this evening – namely the complete and utter destruction of the blueberry pie that I have been promising my FIL for months now and finally came around to making and my oven burned it mercilessly at less than a half hour in there – that just really got me going down a spiral. I can really hop on board these spirals and jump right into a depression so deep, you’ll never get me back out. I was pretty bitchy since it is that time of the month on top of everything. So, besides bitchy, I should also admit that I’m pretty over-emotional at the moment. Couple this with the need to run to my altars and figure out what the hell is going on… you’ve got an epic recipe for some serious disaster over here.
I sat with Hekate and talked to her about something she has no interest in giving me any clues about. And then, I moved over to Sekhmet. I wanted to talk to Hekate, initially, about the unemployment thing but for whatever reason, I decided Sekhmet was where I was going to rant and rave in my head about all of this. And she was more than willing to tell me what was going on.
As near as I can figure the cards are telling me a lot of things, but specifically… I’ve been embodying the mother (Aset) and if I continue, I can get through this. I just have to remember that not only am I mother, but she is a mother. If she can survive what she went through, then so can I. However the meat of the matter is that the cycle of learning, transformation, and spiritual work is over (Nut and Geb). It’s time to make the steps into the mundane, the reality of the world from my comfortable transformational, spiritual work. And this is all leading to a major shift in my consciousness, from greed to enlightened awareness (Wedjat).
And I’ll be honest here, I’m actually pretty upset here. I have the over-emotional aspect from it being that time of the month and the freaking out from earlier and the pie debacle and whatnot. However, really, I don’t think I ever expected a clear moment of clear ending for this. I mean, I knew that it was there. I knew that at some point, I would be above all of this basic, 101 shit that I’ve been going through and trying to figure out since I was fired last August. However, I don’t think I ever realized that there would be a clear moment where I could say, “Yes, I am passed all of this. The cycle is over.” Maybe I didn’t expect the learning shit to be as intense or maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t expect this because I just assumed that this cycle would be eternal. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I wasn’t prepared for it. However, Sekhmet is being pretty obvious here: an ending is coming and isn’t it just so interesting that all of this is neatly coinciding with the Kemetic New Year? Yep. I think that’s pretty damn interesting, too.
I just hope things work out smoothly. But who am I kidding? I won’t expect that, not in the slightest.