Today, I got kind of conned into seeking out a Deadz for a friend of a friend. (She’s actually a high school friend’s current girlfriend who has gotten a few Tarot readings from me.) Originally, she wanted to know a general reading and said something about her dead grandfather. I figured she wanted some kind of comfort or something. I wasn’t really sure what it was she wanted to know about her grandfather and she even mentioned that she doubted I could get anything from him or about him or anything. And that’s when I thought about my Tarot of the Dead deck that’s been languishing in my Deadz basket since I tried to use it. And I began to wonder… well, why not?
You see, I’ve tried to use these cards with my father twice now. However, he keeps getting in the fucking way. (Amusing, right?) In life, my father was not a fan of any “woo-woo” stuff. He threw out my mom’s Tarot cards and Ouija board. He didn’t want any of that kind of thing in his house or whatever. And apparently, this has pretty much crossed over to encompass him, even in death. I could practically hear his eyeballs rolling in his head when I pulled them out the first time. “Dad. I know you don’t like this stuff, but it’s an easy way to communicate.” I’m pretty sure he had his arms folded over his chest, a petulant pout on his face, and was noisily tapping his foot against the ground when I did this. But, after a little bit of push on my half, he did end up using them… for a second or two. That’s when the reading wonked out on me and I figured I was fucking shit up. I’ve only come to the conclusion after the fact that he was fucking shit up. In either case, I know that I managed to connect with him, however briefly, via these cards. And I knew that I could use them in other instances with Deadz.
So, when this girl mentioned wanting something about her dead grandfather, I figured I could at least give it a shot. I needed to calm down from the general reading we had done together. I was hyped up from that one since it was one of the few readings I’ve ever done with the person practically right there. Yeah, we were communicating via FB messaging and whatnot, but it was a lot different from my usual readings: pull the cards, type up a message, and get questions after the fact. I had to try and puzzle out her reading with her RIGHT THERE, so I needed to cool off before I could even remotely think about trying to communicate with her grandfather. And while I was cooling off, I got the image of a distinctively Italian old man with thinning white hair, a reddish shirt, a substantial paunch, and the usual thick gold chain around the neck.
Now, I didn’t describe this Deadz to her. I didn’t think it was an actual image of her grandfather but my mind’s association with the little bit that I had gleaned from him. She said he was “stereotypical Italian.” And that’s the image that comes to mind. So, whether I actually saw her grandfather is a whole different ball game, but I know I tapped into him. Pretty much, he just wanted her to stop grieving for him. It’s been nearly a year since his death and she’s still really torn up about it. He also wanted her to believe that he was there, watching over her and all of the family. He seems to be filling a roll similar to my father, which is a guardian of sorts. Not so much a guardian angel that’s protecting us, but is just there to watch out for us. If he feels the need to step up and communicate, he’ll find a way. The thing is that the girl comes from an atheistic background so after I told her all of this stuff – and I had a beautiful moment with this particular Deadz – she told me she was pretty sure she didn’t believe it. And that’s when I felt the Deadz sadness so resolute and absolute. He said good-bye to me with a heavy sigh and walked right out of my head.
And I was upset.
It wasn’t so much that I was upset because she didn’t believe me, but that she didn’t believe her grandfather was around. “Well, wouldn’t I know that he was there? Wouldn’t he send me a sign?” She says. I held my breath for ten seconds while I tried to shake off the old man’s hurt and sadness. One of the things that we don’t realize is that for them to manifest, we have to put the energy back into them. They’re dead so they don’t have the same abilities they had in life. That’s why people leave offerings like flowers and candles and whatnot on their graves. They’re focusing the energy those Deadz need to manifest. If you even occasionally light a candle to him, that could be enough to give him some energy to manifest for you in some way or another. But you have to be open to this stuff. And she waffled for a good twenty minutes before I finally explained that I had to go.
I understand how hard it is when you have someone who has died and you are an atheist. My dad was still just as dead as he is now when I was a full-fledged atheist. (Or whatever I really was.) And I think it was worse for me when I was an atheist than it is today. Now, I just know that he is around and watching. Now, I just know that I have to think of him and I’ll have him nearby. Now, I just know that if I feed his ka with all the things that I can, he’ll appear. But it wasn’t like that when I was an atheist – he was just dead. And that’s where this girl is and I think that’s where the grief really comes from… and her doubt.
Skeptics are good and healthy, but sometimes, when it comes to things that are tearing us apart, we have to toss aside the skepticism and just have a little faith.
Mystical Bewilderment 