I often wonder if there is something about my nature that draws toxic people to me. I often sit back and wonder what it is about me that seems like a neon sign to these kinds of people. There has to be one that I just cannot see because they circle around me, often enough. I’ve been going back through a lot of my past relationships this morning, both of a sexual nature and otherwise, and find myself constantly being put to the test with these kinds of people. How much cancer am I willing to tolerate before I’ve had enough? It’s like, I constantly have to come against people of a toxic nature in order to learn something, but what is that something? Is it just how strong I am and able to handle these situations, even if I feel at a loss at the time? Or is there something more to it? Maybe the lessons are individual to the people who are toxic and not just one big huge resounding universal message from the gods or the universe or fate or my soul or whom/whatever. But, maybe it’s both, too. Maybe the gods or the universe or my soul is trying to tell me that I can handle this shit with more tact, more class, and more ability than I give myself credit.
I just have to remember that part.
One of the primary movers and shakers that I’ve seen and felt in regards to my past relationship with MEH is that he was, indeed, one of these toxic people. I don’t think he started out that way. I’ve mentioned that when he was younger, he was a good deal sweeter and more tolerant of things. Yes, he was cheating on me almost from the get-go. And yes, he had some serious fucking issues that I helped him work through. However, he was a good deal easier to contend with. It was like once we moved back up to Massachusetts, that’s when the toxicity took over. I’m still debating if it was the relationship between us that turned him, the relationship between him and Void Demon, a combination thereof, or something that I cannot fathom. I don’t think I’ll ever actually know what it is that changed him for the worse, but he turned into a very toxic person. The person I was with him… Well, I didn’t like her very much. He was changing me as much as he was changing himself, but after a while and with considerable help from the Sister and TH, I managed to walk away. I managed to remodel who I was, who I had been becoming, and revert a ways back to who I used to be.
This wasn’t the first time that I had to do this, either. I’ve had to completely remodel myself a handful of times in my life. As I’m only just approaching thirty (I’m actually going to be 29 in about a month), I wonder if there is just something about me that makes it so that I have to go through this all of the time. It’s not that I’m a bad person, but maybe there is something about me that just draws these kinds of people to me. And I get drawn into their shit so, in turn, when it is over, I have to recreate who I am or who I think I should be. Sometimes the process gets stunted, as in the case with MEH. And sometimes, the process goes smooth and flawless because the hold wasn’t deep enough, as in the case with MEH’s best friend/Demon Void Boy or a certain ex-boyfriend from high school. But now, I think I’m beginning to be able to actually identify toxic people and that makes it easier for me because when I get the first hint of proof (because let’s face it, I can’t possibly listen to my gut instincts the first time around), I can just X them the fuck out.
I was talking with TH about this yesterday morning. I just kept going on and finally, I asked him if there was just something about me that made toxic people come towards me. I asked him why so many had come into my life over the years. “And what? Me being number one, right?” He was grinning at me, but you know, I just ignored his little comment and went on about it for a while. He sighed at me, a long-suffering sigh, and said to me, “Maybe the lesson isn’t what these people have done to you or will do to you or even has anything to do with them at all. But that you’re supposed to find proper ways to deal with them. When I come across these people, I cut them the fuck out of my life. What do you do?”
What do I do, indeed.