Toxicity.

I often wonder if there is something about my nature that draws toxic people to me. I often sit back and wonder what it is about me that seems like a neon sign to these kinds of people. There has to be one that I just cannot see because they circle around me, often enough. I’ve been going back through a lot of my past relationships this morning, both of a sexual nature and otherwise, and find myself constantly being put to the test with these kinds of people. How much cancer am I willing to tolerate before I’ve had enough? It’s like, I constantly have to come against people of a toxic nature in order to learn something, but what is that something? Is it just how strong I am and able to handle these situations, even if I feel at a loss at the time? Or is there something more to it? Maybe the lessons are individual to the people who are toxic and not just one big huge resounding universal message from the gods or the universe or fate or my soul or whom/whatever. But, maybe it’s both, too. Maybe the gods or the universe or my soul is trying to tell me that I can handle this shit with more tact, more class, and more ability than I give myself credit.

I just have to remember that part.

One of the primary movers and shakers that I’ve seen and felt in regards to my past relationship with MEH is that he was, indeed, one of these toxic people. I don’t think he started out that way. I’ve mentioned that when he was younger, he was a good deal sweeter and more tolerant of things. Yes, he was cheating on me almost from the get-go. And yes, he had some serious fucking issues that I helped him work through. However, he was a good deal easier to contend with. It was like once we moved back up to Massachusetts, that’s when the toxicity took over. I’m still debating if it was the relationship between us that turned him, the relationship between him and Void Demon, a combination thereof, or something that I cannot fathom. I don’t think I’ll ever actually know what it is that changed him for the worse, but he turned into a very toxic person. The person I was with him… Well, I didn’t like her very much. He was changing me as much as he was changing himself, but after a while and with considerable help from the Sister and TH, I managed to walk away. I managed to remodel who I was, who I had been becoming, and revert a ways back to who I used to be.

This wasn’t the first time that I had to do this, either. I’ve had to completely remodel myself a handful of times in my life. As I’m only just approaching thirty (I’m actually going to be 29 in about a month), I wonder if there is just something about me that makes it so that I have to go through this all of the time. It’s not that I’m a bad person, but maybe there is something about me that just draws these kinds of people to me. And I get drawn into their shit so, in turn, when it is over, I have to recreate who I am or who I think I should be. Sometimes the process gets stunted, as in the case with MEH. And sometimes, the process goes smooth and flawless because the hold wasn’t deep enough, as in the case with MEH’s best friend/Demon Void Boy or a certain ex-boyfriend from high school. But now, I think I’m beginning to be able to actually identify toxic people and that makes it easier for me because when I get the first hint of proof (because let’s face it, I can’t possibly listen to my gut instincts the first time around), I can just X them the fuck out.

I was talking with TH about this yesterday morning. I just kept going on and finally, I asked him if there was just something about me that made toxic people come towards me. I asked him why so many had come into my life over the years. “And what? Me being number one, right?” He was grinning at me, but you know, I just ignored his little comment and went on about it for a while. He sighed at me, a long-suffering sigh, and said to me, “Maybe the lesson isn’t what these people have done to you or will do to you or even has anything to do with them at all. But that you’re supposed to find proper ways to deal with them. When I come across these people, I cut them the fuck out of my life. What do you do?”

What do I do, indeed.

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16 thoughts on “Toxicity.

  1. May I say I just experienced something very disturbing quite recently with a few toxic people and the worst part was that they’re family. In the past I would have reacted with less maturity let’s say but this time around I owned up like an adult to my own mistakes, responded to false accusations a lot more calmly than I would have normally done (injustice is something which infuriates me!) and I can safely say it’s (mostly) in the past now. I’m still feeling a bit sore after the experience but time will heal me.

    With that said I can say that learning how to handle each type of toxic person seems to be the lesson. Sometimes we just have to go through different situations to find out the best way to handle them.
    Unfortunately, toxic people will always be drawn to those they think have an easier life, or some sort of accomplishments they are jealous of, etc. They try to get over their own insecurities and feeling of inadequacy by harming others with words or actions. The important thing is to lean to come on top of the situation and learn to heal.

    Hope this helps!

  2. When I hit 30 it was like suddenly my brain was in the right place. I sometimes ponder if numbers do play a bigger part of our life then we think. I spent a lot of my youth dealing with other ppl’s baggage and being drained, and then suddenly I was like “hey, fuck this. I’m going to be happy” And then I started dealing with things. Pulled up my socks and went to it.

    • I like the idea of pulling up the socks. That makes me giggle and picture you in knee socks.

      I am pretty tired of baggage. I can understand certain portions of baggage and I can understand helping friends through that stuff. But if it’s going to be some minor character who plays absolutely no real part in my life then yeah. As the kids say, “I’m over it.”

  3. My mom…who despite being a fairly standard Christian type has some brilliant metaphysical insights sometimes…has a theory that she used to apply to my life (which btw sounds more than a little like yours…)

    She called it moths to a flame. People who are dark, injured, messed-up, and toxic are drawn by brightly burning, energetic, healthy, light souls…just like moths to a flame.

    It’s not just you, sister…it’s all of us. Any of us who are trying to keep ourselves together, who are living life, learning, and loving. The brighter you burn, the more there will be. Does that mean you should stop burning?

    Nope.

    But TH has it right. It’s not them, it’s how you react to them that’s important.

    It’s only taken me 43 years to figure that out. Okay, maybe 40 since I’ve been pretty clear of the moths for about 3 years now. So you’re about 11 years ahead of me or so…!

  4. First, I think TH has it right.

    And this:
    It’s not that I’m a bad person, but maybe there is something about me that just draws these kinds of people to me.

    Let me be blunt here: no. You know why? Because this can easily morph into enabling or justifying bad behavior with the people who are around in our life.
    Maybe if this is to “teach” anything it’s to have better boundaries and be very explicit on what behavior you consider to be acceptable from the people you know.

    • I definitely need some seriously better boundaries! I’m too quick to let people in a lot further than I should because, in the end when I realize that they are toxic, I end up hurt by it. So, I definitely need to get better with the boundary setting. And hey, maybe that’s part of what Hekate’s dream is about, too, since I started the protective salt placing at the doorways of my home, which are, you know, boundaries. :)

  5. We as humans have patterns–it helps us to know what we’re doing day to day. But our patterns become habitual–meeting up and syncing to the same type of people is one of these patterns. Once you recognize that you have a bad pattern–you can break free from it. You’re going in that direction now :> It’s not neccesarily that we are attracted to bad people or that bad people are attracted to us–it is often that deep in our ingrained nature, these kinds of people are familiar to us, so we go to them and in turn they follow after us.

    Knowing who you are and who you want to be though can break that pattern and begin a new, healthier one. : )
    <3

  6. Pingback: Nazis in Paganism (PBP). | Mystical Bewilderment

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