I’m having a kind of a bad day. I’m used to having bad days. They seem to happen quicker than I am able to contend with or equipped to deal with. This particular day is entirely devoted to lots of things about my ex-husband. He’s in my head. I can still feel him behind my eyes and it is with sorrow that I look to what we once had. There is so much sorrow within me that I want it to escape. Earlier, while I was praying to Hekate, I had the distinctive image of myself curling into a ball and sobbing on the floor. I don’t think I eve properly manifested the grief that I should have had at the dissolution of our marriage. I was too thrilled with getting away just about scot-free. But today’s sorrow is more along the lines of the here and now, with vague mentions of the before and already done. Today’s sorrow really solidified when I sat down to pray to Hekate and I demanded to know why we were still so connected. Why? Why? Why? The most common question I’ve been asking her and myself lately. I pulled three cards to find the answer(s).
Cakes and Wine When this card appears it is addressing the core issue of spiritual nourishment. It also speaks of the balance between feminine and masculine energy. Essentially this card focuses on spiritual results rather than religious practices. It is more about who you are than it is about what you do. This is card of inner self, the place where you connect and meet with the divine. The appearance of this card asks the questions “From where are you drawing nourishment for your soul?” and “Where do you find your inner balance?”
In relation to the question asked, I feel like this card is telling me some very unpleasant truths about our connection. I’ve known for a while that our connections aren’t even on a physical level, but on a soul-to-soul level. In some ways, this could be construed as a “spiritual” level. To me, it is the soul that works the spiritual and the body that works the religion, itself. Without the soul, there would be no spiritual experiences. And it would appear, if I’m reading this card correctly, that my soul and his soul are more than just connected via our soul group. This isn’t surprising, in all honestly. Our lives have been happening together so often and end so terribly that it makes sense that the two of us are connected more than just simply because we share a soul group. If I’m reading this correctly, it says that our souls are connect thoroughly… and they feed off one another.
This frightens me.
Now, Devo claims that my soul probably doesn’t need his to survive any longer, but his may not be at the same stage of progression as mine. I would truly like to believe this to the very fiber of my being. I’d like to think that my soul doesn’t need his anymore and yet… I can still feel him sometimes. I can feel him behind my eyes and I can feel him squeezing my heart. I can feel him inciting my fears and I can feel him praying on my sorrow, misery, and anger at the situation. Maybe, too, I am doing likewise to him in this life. And the misery just feeds on more misery. I would like to think that Devo is right… but I can’t help but ask myself what if she isn’t?
Harvest When this card appears it addresses the fruits of one’s labor. This card speaks of receiving in accord with the personal effort that has been exerted. In essence this is a card of matched energy that returns back to the originator. The card can also indicate the completion of a matter of a situation.
On the optimistic side, I’d like to look at this as finally getting to the ending of the whole “great matter.” I’d like very much to see this as where I am very soon going to end up. However, as optimistic as I try to be about certain things, in this, it is very difficult. And while I’d like to look at this all as the very soon conclusion to this particular little melodrama, I’m not sure if that’s the best possible interpretation for the card at present. I think this card speaks more to the work that I must be doing as opposed to the ending to that particular work.
If the card is to be taken literally, then I should see that a conclusion will be met, but it is all dependent on how much effort I exert in the process. Bringing in the harvest isn’t exactly a simple task, but an ongoing piece of work that takes weeks to complete. And the mount of work that you put into maintaining and bringing in that particular harvest directly affects how much you will be eating and how alive you will be by the end of the winter and prior to the first spring’s harvest. In that regard, I should then look to the process I am going through and preparing for and see how much I put into it so that a true and full break – a completion to this whole damnable mess – is to hand. And as I look at that, I know that a quick and easy fix isn’t going to happen. As much as I want it all over and I want it done now, that’s not how this is to go about. I have to work and I have to work hard.
I have to succeed.
Pentacle When this card appears in a reading the matter relates to stability and foundation. It is a card of strength and protection. The pentacle speaks of endurance and fortitude. In essence the pentacle is a card of manifestation with the material world. The pentacle is the channel through which its counterpart (the energy of earth) manifests its objective.
This is the truth end result. This is what I’m aiming for. I’m aiming for the stability and foundation that I have never had with my ex. I am aiming for a life where I can endure what I need to and look back at it all with the knowledge that I have worked hard for what I desire. It is the essence of being able to know that I have gone through hell and I have come back from it, scarred from it, but that I am whole and full of the knowledge that battle, that walk, and that journey has given to me. Perforce I will come out of this less scathed than I think I would be, but in the mean time, my outlook isn’t so hot.
I just have to have faith.