Note: I actually wrote this yesterday.
I’ve had a lot of eye-opening experiences in the last few weeks, but more specifically, in the last week. A lot of this is due, in large part, to Hekate entering my life. Honestly, if I hadn’t asked Sky for an oracular session with her, I don’t know where I would be now. It’s possible I would have discovered the work I need to do on my own. And it’s possible, too, that I would have discovered and foraged a relationship with Hekate in my own time, as well. But, I’ve firmly been in the camp of “all things happen for a reason” lately. A lot of that is due to the issues I’ve been working on and some of it, too, is just because it is the most reasonable answer for the given situation at the moment in time. That being said, maybe it was my fate to meet up with Hekate again. I’m not really sure, but the thing is since she came in, I’ve been getting lots of stuff going on, both with myself and with outside influences. There is so, so, so much… I don’t even know where to begin.
A while back, I stopped hearing the ladies. They were quieter before that but I assumed that it had to do with Loud Mouth Legba. (Titter, titter from his black-and-red area.) He’s very loud. He’s very in-your-face. He likes to make a lot of jokes. He likes to have things centered on him, even if I’m purposely doing what I can to not think about him. Someone told me that I was going to have to figure out how to either tell him to shut up or to tone down the god-phone in regards to the lwa. What I didn’t realize was that he was so fucking loud was because they were so fucking quiet. They’re always quieter than, say, a freight train. They’ve always been distant with me and not because I’ve offended them, but it’s just how they feel: cool, calm, rational, remote. They’re there but they’re still at a distance. So, when I stopped hearing them or feeling them, I wasn’t very worried about it. It didn’t seem like a huge big deal because that’s how it’s gone with us before. Circles, cycles, it all comes and go.
I should have paid more attention. I chalked up the silence to lots of different things, too; it wasn’t all just Legba. I figured they were working on something with Aphrodite for the Sister. I figured they were taking a break. I figured that they were working with other devotees. I figured. I assumed. I didn’t ask. I didn’t really want to know.
Tonight, some fucked up shit happened. Instead of blogging about it over here, I blogged about it in my personal journal. I didn’t realize how completely connected my lives have become. I was rationalizing it out, but let’s face it. It was more than just a creepy feeling that was getting to me. It was more than that. I’m on the cusp of working on some of the bigger shit in my fucked up repertoire, which is all the stuff to do with my ex-husband. And for whatever reason, this isn’t so okay with him. I guess I’m not that surprised. As I know, he was/is in my soul group. We’ve done this song and dance a ton of times. We not only have gotten the T-shirts, but we’ve got several in a budding collection. And in each life, it doesn’t work out at all. It ends up worse or it ends up horrific. So many times we’ve tried and each time, it has ended badly for one or both of us. This was the time to end the cycle. This was the life to make it all stop and go away. For whatever reason, he’s just not… ready or willing. I’m not sure what his deal is but I am ready and I am willing. This is ending and it is ending for good in THIS LIFE.
That being said, he’s not willing for that and knowing that I am, he wanted to fuck around.
Now, I’m going to note something strange here: I am not the only person in recent days to mention an ex trying to fuck with her head. I can list three people off the top of my head who have had similar experiences in recent days. So, keep that in mind, people; if you have a toxic ex, be on the look out and get your wards up.
During all of the bullshit with my ex, at one point, I was speaking to someone about Hekate. She mentioned that I had a good, strong protectress in that one. And then we got into the subject of Sekhmet. After all, where was she? While I appreciate and am utterly grateful for having a guardian in the form of Hekate, Sekhmet is supposed to be handling this. She should have been there, alerting me to this shit before I even knew what was going on. But again, as I said, she’s been curiously silent lately. It’s as though she’s around and watching, but she’s not really around enough to do more than that. It’s not that she’s actually busy, but she appears to be so. I finally got tired of it. I decided to just ask.
You see, I’m a pretty big pansy about a lot of things in my practice. Or what I think of should be in my practice and I just don’t do because, as I said, I’m a pansy about it. (One day, I might actually explain this… when I’m a lot less tired.) But, I was honestly curious about where Sekhmet is in all of this. I had already begun to see a way to communicate more effectively with the gods via various Oracle or Tarot decks. I’ve never actually tried to communicate in this way, but it was time. It was well past time. I needed to know the answers. So, I asked her. “Where are you? Why aren’t you helping me with this?” I chose to use the Egyptian Pyramid Oracle, which was my first real deck that my ex-husband didn’t try to throw out on me, to answer the question. It’s the deck that’s been with me the longest and that I’ve used the longest. I’ve been meaning to cook up a good place for them because they still have a lot of use in them, but it was just a matter of actually utilizing the mind the gods gave me instead of sitting around with my thumb up my butt.
The cards I pulled were all telling me the answers I already knew in my gut. I just didn’t really want to know.
“This is your mess,” she says. “You’ve been given projects. You’ve been given lessons. You’ve been told what to do and how to do it, time and again. You have always ignored me. I brought my sister-self in to help you, to aid you. Perhaps I could not truly help you. And you have skipped away. You have strayed. You have ignored what we have asked of you. You have ignored what we needed of you. You have ignored what we wanted. This mess is not our fault but yours. Fix it yourself.”
She’s teaching me a lesson. A valuable lesson, but a painful one.