Aren’t you sick to death of having to teetotal to make sure you achieve the epic awesomeness that is Heaven? Aren’t you tired of feeling that the Bible is constantly admonishing you against abusing alcohol? Don’t you feel that letting loose now and again, or every Friday and Saturday, or even every day is something you should be able to do? God kicked you out of the Garden of Eden, didn’t He? And with that came all the horrible things that come with this life, which “includes alcoholism.” But let’s face it. Where is the fun in not drinking all the time? Where is the fun in not being able to consume a beer in front of Sunday’s big game? Or thirty, for that matter? Don’t you want a religion that says, “Hey, one beer is okay, but so are sixty more”?
Well, guess what I have for you!
Beer is everything! It’s the offering of the day. It’s the offering of the night. It’s what you have in between meals! It’s what you give to honor your dead! Hell, you could probably brush your teeth with it and that would be okay! It’s all over the place, in life and in death, that they’re obviously telling you that alcoholism is okay! It’s the key to the religion! Without beer, all they’d have is water and life would be boring. What’s the point in mastering the fermentation process if not to use it? To get drunk? And celebrate with your gods!
So, if alcoholism is something you’re seeking, come on down because…
…Kemetism, the World’s Greatest Religion totally supports your drunkenness!