Yesterday, I received some pretty awful news that really made me upset. I wanted to lose my shit in the worst possible way. I wanted to rage and throw things; cry and sob. Instead, I decided that was probably not productive so I thought it was in my best interest to have a mini-panic attack in my head. This isn’t one of those things where you stop being able to breathe or whatever it is to have a panic attack. (I don’t have them so I legitimately don’t know.) I ended up ranting and raving in my head for a good twenty minutes at Hekate’s altar space. I was feeling like everything kept happening. It was one crisis after another after another, starting from the fucking moment that I got fired last August. I pretty much just wanted to lose it and say, “Fuck this,” and take my son and run the fuck away to some magical place that doesn’t actually exist. While I’m sitting there, just letting out all of the steam that the news produced within me, I started shuffling the cards I have there. I wasn’t focusing, per se, on anything in specific at first. I was just ranting while I was shuffling, but slowly, my thoughts began to wind down until I was focusing on my job loss.
Why? I asked myself as I was shuffling. Why all of this? Why did I have to lose my job so that I can’t take care of my family? Why all of this hard work on myself and on my personal practice? What the hell is the point in all of this? Why? Why? Why? Why?
After doing some mindless shuffling, but still kind of focusing on all of that, I pulled out three cards from the Well Worn Path deck. Those cards were, in order, Summerland, The Book of Shadows, and Chalice. I studied the imagery therein and tried to piece it together without aid from the book, but I’m just not that astute yet. So, I pulled over the accompaniment book and started looking up the meanings I was to be given.
Summerland – When this card appears it means that change is going to happen, and it is not optional. The card speaks about moving on and leaving behind the old for the new. At its core, this card is about transition and moving toward new enlightenment. New eyes will see in greater ways.
I was mildly amused by this because I knew that this had to do with my job loss. I’ve known for a while that the whole point in my losing my job was to get me off of my ass and start formulating a firm foundation in my spiritual practice. After acknowledging voodoo for the first time, about a month later, the wheels were set into motion to get me out of the place that was killing my soul a particle at a time. I knew that I had to leave the job for my own well-being, but the lure of the funds for my lifestyle and a stabilizing influence in my life was too big a lure. I also knew from various chats with others that it was possible that in the acknowledgment of voodoo, I had managed to lure the attention of Kalfu (a very interesting lwa who likes to fuck shit up) and that was why things ended as they did with my job. As it is, whatever the reason, the point was that I was fizzling out. The emptiness of this blog during the months of my managerial status at that place is a loud resounding testament to this fact. I knew I had to leave but didn’t have the balls to do so. I knew that my job was killing me, spiritually, more than anything else and still, I did nothing about it. So someone else came in, messed about, and the job loss happened.
What bothers me about this card is the italicized text from the book, and that I reproduced above. That would be the “change is going to happen, and it is not optional.” I’ve often wondered if there had been things that I could have done to negate the firing and the horrifying aftermath of said firing. But, though the circumstances would possibly have been different, I really don’t think that is the case. I think the words “it is not optional” is the point here. No matter what I said or did, it was bound to happen. This is born true in the fact that all of my protective amulets that I wore to work daily had slowly but surely gotten lost or broken off of their chains by the time I was fired. This is also born out in the fact that every aspect of protection that I put into place in that store was either found, moved, or disappeared. That’s sigil work, that’s crystal work, that’s spell work. EVERYTHING. So no matter what, I would have lost my job. Things may not have been as dire – although that is still up for debate – but the change had to happen. And because I wasn’t willing to do what was necessary… Someone Else did.
Book of Shadows When this card appears in a reading, be aware that foundation and the roots of tradition is the matter at hand. This card calls to acknowledge one’s life experiences, particularly those that speak to the authenticity of the path we walk. It is a sign to embrace where you are in life and to look forward to new achievements.
This is where I currently am. This is what this long, long, long, horrible, sad, scary, frightening year has been all about. The italicized words are clear and they pop out when you read the description. In fact, as I was looking through the book, they were the first words to meet my eye and I kept wandering back to those particular words as I kept going. This is all about tradition. This is all about foundation. This is all about starting what needed to be started before, but I was too caught up in other shit to legitimately do anything about it. I let fear and anger, excuse after excuse, hold me back from what I needed to do. I needed to realize what I wanted my spiritual practice to look like and actually fucking move toward it. But, I wasn’t able to because I am stupid, but mostly because I don’t like change. I don’t like the idea of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
This card is about getting the fuck over that shit and moving on. It’s time to let go the anger of what was done to me in regards to my old job. The way that they went about firing me was awful and cruel. I gave them nearly two years of honest service. I never called out once. I only ever cared about the job and making sure it was done appropriately the first time. I wanted that store to shine. It was like a secondary home and they fired me for a lie. A single blatant, awful, sick lie from a child who was either being used as a pawn by a Higher Power or who is just severely sick in the head. And while I have to live with this on my resume and in my heart and in my mind, I have to realize that the ending was always just ahead of me. I was too blind to see it. I had greater things to accomplish – my spiritual turnpike – and I wasn’t willing to cast off long enough to do it.
So fate did it for me.
Now, I have to decide just what my path is. I’ve done this before with my “path forging” entries. (Too lazy to look for them.) I said that I wanted to work in the realm of voodoo, I wanted to really get down and dirty with my Kemetic recon thing that I have going, and that I wanted to do the witch stuff. I wanted to be a cunning woman or wise woman. That’s what I really, really, really, really want from this. And it is to that end that Hekate is in my life. That’s why she’s here. The other stuff is fodder, side projects. It’s easy to get down and dirty with the calendars and the projects to teach others and whatnot whenever I so desire. But Hekate’s point in my life isn’t just to teach me about witchcraft. It is about owning my shit. It is about laying the foundation. But it is also about getting my act together. And that includes prayers, that includes offerings, that includes spending time in shrine. That is her real teaching.
Chalice – When this card appears it is an indication that the issue is one of receptivity and mutability. This card can indicate a reminder to be receptive to new forms and expressions. The chalice is the channel through which its counterpart (the energy of water) manifests its objective. In essence the chalice denotes the ebb and flow of the tides and cycles of life. It is the expression of the inner fullness, which is aware of itself. The card can also point to the welling up of emotional nature. The chalice teaches that we must freely give from our inner fullness, just as we freely receive within our inner depth.
And here’s where I’m stuck on figuring out what the cards mean. On the one hand, I figure it’s an indicator that I need to learn how to express myself, learn how to live with my emotions, and learn to be content with who I am, inside and out. On the other hand, in regards to the reading I’ve already interpreted, I’m not quite so sure what to say. I guess it can also be about how I should be willing to look into other forms and abilities, that I should be open and receptive to what others have to say… The thing is. I thought I was. But maybe I was mistaken. Maybe.
All I know is that with all of this, the honest to the gods answer is finally at my toes. I am aware of what happened in regards to my losing my job and I can feel the truth of it. The problem remains… where do I go from here?