Yesterday, I woke up with this song in my head. Since I first heard it, it’s pretty much been in my head because the thing is just fucking catchy. I was doing the dishes and decided to do a good listen while I was busy doing chores and whatnot. I kept repeating it because it was like I couldn’t get enough of it. (As I write this, guess what’s playing?) After a while, I had my fill and the chores were done. So, I went about the rest of my day until some time later, I sat down in front of the table I set up for Hekate’s impromptu entrance into my life. The table is still pretty bare (I’m going to look for a purple scarf to place on the table akin to the green one on my altar space for the three main OTHERS™ in my life) but I have purchased some things for it. All that being said, what goes on it isn’t important as it is a focal point to think and pray to Hekate as well as a way station for my Well Worn Path deck, which seem to prefer to be near her.
After sitting down, I got it into my head to play the song in question. I’m not usually the kind of person who (A) sits at an altar and then (B) feels the need to listen to music while I’m doing whatever it is I have in mind. So, I put the song on my phone and placed it on the lower shelf of Hekate’s table. And I just started bawling. It wasn’t like awful, horrible sobs or anything. I was just tearing up and crying. It was at this point that I realized whatever work she has in store for me, tears are pretty much going to be part and parcel. I cannot escape them and as the Sister mentioned to me yesterday, crying can be cathartic. I could use some serious catharsis in my life.
So, while I’m teary-eyed and not fully in my head, I started randomly shuffling the cards before pulling three. I stared at them, looking for the meaning hidden there. I’ve had some ideas, which came to me as I was sitting there and singing along to the song in question.
While I was mulling over how odd my music choice was and how odd it was that I had a music choice while “in shrine,” I began to wonder if there was something to it. It was at that moment, that particular thought, when I ended up pulling the cards pictured above. And I began to wonder, seriously, if this all wasn’t just about working on myself but working on myself from generations ago as well. It seemed weird and freaky and odd that this could even be in my head much less a conscious thought that I was seriously entertaining. As far as gods are concerned, the only two that I’ve ever felt like I probably associated with in another life were Sekhmet and Mut. I’ve never given serious thought to having worshiped Hekate or walked with her before, in my life… Hell, I’ve never thought of any of my previous lives in a religious sense anyway, much less who I may or may not have been worshiping, hanging with, nurturing, working with at any given moment of those past lives.
But the problem remains as it eternally is: What can we take as honest communication and what can we take as merely being coincidence?
Here, I am, obsessing over a song that makes you feel the need to listen to it. This is actually one of the reasons the Sister has yet to listen to it in its entirety. She says she’s suspicious of songs that are just that “catchy.” (If she comments on this blog post, she’ll probably rant about songs from Josie & the Pussycats. No, I’m not joking.) And it’s been playing on one of the radio stations my car’s radio is tuned into for a while now. I don’t hear it often, of course, but when I do catch snippets of it, I’m sure to listen to it. And that’s an issue, right there. It’s a catchy fucking song, as I said. How far can I take this song must be listened to on endless repeat before I’m being foolish and retarded? How far can I take what may or may not be signs? Where do you draw the line? For those in the FB group I’ve mentioned this in, how long before all of the spiders I’ve been seeing are an actual commentary on who I am and what I may need in my life versus it being summer time and bugs being out?
How do you know when you have to start paying closer attention to things as possible signs of communication with gods?
This is honestly something I’ve always had a hard time dealing with and I’ll tell you why. I am rational. I am logical.
If I see a shadow form out of the corner of my eye, I tend to dismiss it as having stared at the TV too long or something. Or, it’s a flash so it could be just my imagination assigning features to a shadowy spot in my house. But, then, sometimes, it happens over and over again in various spots. It’s only after a few times that I begin to seriously consider if this is something “other” that is trying to communicate with me in some way. The same thing with all of the spiders I’ve been seeing all over the place. Sure, it’s that time of the year when they come out, but it’s a little strange that one hitches a ride in my arm pit to be placed down in the grass (and I have no idea where it came from in the first place, honestly) and another one in a sink that’s used on a daily basis for the first time in the entire three years I’ve lived in this apartment. It’s only when things start repeating, endlessly, that I begin to pay attention. Fuck. That’s how I finally figured out Sekhmet wanted my attention! If it doesn’t happen more than once, then I tend to dismiss it.
The thing is that, in this case, as I was sitting “in shrine,” listening to this catchy fucking song, I couldn’t help but analyze the lyrics in lieu of the card spread I had pulled. The first card is definitely about Hekate. The exact definition of it I can’t recall off the top of my head (and laziness prohibits me from moving four feet to my left to get the book in question). But, I remember looking at the card, re-reading the meaning behind it a few times, and instantly associating it with Hekate. There was something specific to the meaning that said the higher-calling was outside or other, something that would come and teach. The self-discipline card makes sense because that’s something she requires in the working we’ll be doing together. (Working on your being fucked up sure does need some serious commitment.) But it was the card about the generational legacy that intrigued me the most. Whatever it is I’ll end up with, it’ll be with me for the ages…
…but the thought went in kind with the song I was busy listening to. It’s kind of a downer if you look up the lyrics. So, maybe, the generational legacy wasn’t just about what I’ll have to offer to my future generations, but also what came before. (And the card’s explanation even mentions that it’s what you’ll give to your progeny as well as what the ancestors have put into you.) And maybe part of my soul journey into who I am today had to do with Hekate. Now you’re just somebody that I used to know… is one of the lines of the song. And it’s at that point, after having that particular thought, that the line popped up. (It does a thousand times in the song, but you know, interesting moment, right?) I began analyzing the lyrics that I had been able to identify in listening to it over and over again. If I really looked at it, could it be…? Is it possible that I had been walking with Hekate before, in a different life, and packed up my shit without so much as a “by your leave”? Or maybe it was for my own safety – witchcraft isn’t even popular now, never mind prior to the 20th century – and I made a promise to go back, at a later time, only to have that later time never show up?
This has left me with a metric shit ton of fucking questions. And either my God-phone is acting up, she’s waiting for something else before she starts talking to me, she is talking to me and I’m not hearing it, or I’m just so busy questioning myself that I don’t know what to take as a sign and what to throw away as garbage.