I Am Human, And I Know Fear.

When it was made apparent that by letting Hekate and I work together was a good way to get things going, I never really considered not doing it. I’ve had my reservations, of course, but I never really thought that I wouldn’t go through with it. I don’t know anything about this triple goddess other than the fact that witches think she’s pretty darn awesome and that she is of Greek origin. Aside from that, I’m pretty much lost on a sea of information gathering. I don’t know what blogs to look into, what web pages are the best one to look into, and I don’t know how to sort the wheat from the chaff. All in all, I’m really not worried about that particular aspect, honestly. I don’t feel that with only a month and a day of working together – and no possible knowing if it could go on any longer – I need to work on the heavy information gathering. And besides, I think at this phase in things she’s more like a stepping stone to get me back to where I should be instead of where I think I am. All in all, it’s a confusing time, but it’s my reservations that I keep feeling deep within.

One of my largest fears is that I don’t know how to pray properly. I don’t have to give her offerings or libations, although I would like to. (I wonder if she’d like the tequila…) If I enjoy doing it with my current menagerie of OTHERS™ then why not a passer-through? But, really, all I need to do is pray. That’s what the oracle session told me. And I keep getting stuck on this little niblet. How do you pray? I know that I was supposed to do it when I was part of the Methodist church of my youth. And I know that imagery from Catholicism shows the Mother Mary with her palms pressed together in an image of piety. Is that how you pray? Does what your body does or does not do matter when you’re praying? I always just assumed that praying was like a mental letter to the gods. And I don’t think I’m far off here, but do I have to be in a certain position to do it? Should I be kneeling at the little altar table I set up for Hekate? Or, can I do it at any time and anywhere? The last two nights, I’ve sent off little missives to her before I fall asleep. Dear Hekate. I’m not sure if I’m praying right. I don’t think that matters – at least I hope it doesn’t. The thing is I don’t know what I’m doing. How will I know you’ll answer me? Will I just know? Or is that part of what all this is? Things of that nature. I assume I’m praying properly, but my niggling doubt is more than niggling right now. Maybe I’m not doing it correctly and that’s why I don’t know if I even am receiving a response…

Yet another reservation, that one. The responses. In my last entry about this new arc in my life, I mentioned that I was pretty scared about my God-Phone (BANANA PHONE) not working properly. I know that it does with the OTHERS™ in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’ll know it works with new gods in my life. And how will I know what a response is? I can hear Papa Legba in my head. Sometimes, I can hear both Sekhmet and Hetharu in my head. However, the thing with the two of them is that I tend to feel as opposed to know. For example, right now, I know that I am feeling the unparalleled need to give them some good cones of incense today. And that they would like some libations. I think Hetharu wants tea and I’m not quite sure what my leonine lady desires. These are more than feelings, more like impressions really, but that’s how I know they are in my life. It’s like little glimpses here and there. I don’t hear them the way I do the Loud Mouth Legba (…who likes that one…). I assume it will be similar with Hekate, but here I am… I’m taking a chance that my God-Phone will be working the way it should be and I’ll hear her. But, what if it doesn’t? What if I’m doing all of this and nothing actually comes from her arena? Where am I then?

I’m also incredibly frightened by the actual work that we’ll be doing. In what form can I expect it to take? Can I expect it to be like the shadow work that has been mentioned to me? If that’s the case, then should I have Hekate and Sekhmet on standby for working through some of the more horrific issues (rapes, for example)? But, what if it isn’t shadow work that is what is going to get this ball rolling? What if it’s something else? And because I have such a very limited capacity in the realm of magic and working on things in a magical capacity, then how will I know what I’m doing is the right way? Again, this comes back to the God-phone related fear, but it’s also in the not-knowing. In not knowing what to expect in the realm of the working, I know fear. I’m not one of those people who needs to know the future at all times, although sometimes I think precog would be kind of nice, but it would be nice to get the feeling of a little speck of inkling now and again. Instead, I turn to the Well Worn Path oracle deck I own in the hopes that something will come to me from there, but nothing thus far. I’m still left uncertain, adrift, and scared out of my mind.

You know, one of the things that I’ve gone on about in this blog a time or two is about how a lot of pagans don’t necessarily catalog their failures or their fears. And while some strides have been made to correct these particular aspects, you’re still liable to find the blogs of the people who aren’t open and honest about their particular paths. And that’s fine. Those people are doing what they do best and I’m not going to sit in judgment. Hell, for all I know, they’ve tamped down their fears so much that they don’t have them anymore.

But, I’ll be a little honest here.

I’m human. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m going to end up doing. I’m scared out of my fucking mind more often than not, with the constantly not knowing and feeling like I’m aimlessly wandering down the spiritual turnpike. I’m scared at the thought of practicing spells again. I’m scared at the thought of relying heavily on my intuition as opposed to what I know, in my head. I’m scared at the very prospect of working with a new god that I know nothing about. I’m scared about working on my issues. I’m scared about what form that working will take. I’m scared that I’ll end up fucking myself up worse instead of actually fixing myself. I’m scared for all of this and for things that I can’t even verbalize yet.

I know fear.

And it has made itself quite comfortable in my heart.