Just prior to my last post, I decided I needed to some serious work on myself. I am a fucked up individual in various arenas and these are things that have been holding me back in my spiritual life, as well as my waking life. It’s at the point where I know I need to do more than putting one foot in front of the other. The advice works, to a degree. I’m at the point where just living is no longer what I desire or need. I need more than just the ability to wake up every morning, alive, and go to sleep every night, still alive. I need to do more than just simply survive, in effect. I’ve known this for a while, but I’ve always managed to push back on the whole process. “Well, I’m busy raising my kid right now,” or “I can’t work on this because my spiritual practice is more important right now.” I have all manner of excuses. This is part of the whole “magic is a no-no” thing I mentioned in my previous post. I don’t need to work on it if I’m not good at it because I have serious fucked up issues that hold me back. The thing is, though, that I said I’d start working on that a few months ago. And look how far I’ve gotten?
So, during all of this finding stuff going on about myself, Sky offered some oracular sessions on behalf of Hekate to anyone who was interested. It seemed kind of coincidental that she would be offering this when I was already wondering if my self-esteem issues were as intrinsically tied to me lack of witchy stuff or not. And she was offering them for free! I’m a big believer in free things and so, told her that I was up for it even though I’ve had absolutely no connection with her goddess, ever. She sent me an E-mail and I asked her, “I’m wondering if it should be my working on my self-esteem and repressed issues that would lead me back towards witchcraft OR, if it’s the practicing of witchcraft that will lead to my fixing my repressed issues.” This was about as easy to think up as an entirely new idea for my book has been (yes, I’m re-thinking my book past all the suggestions people have given me). But it was the best I could come up without coming right out and saying, “Hey. I’m fucked up. How is this keeping me back? How do I fix it?” I didn’t want to have to say to a goddess the same as I’ve been saying to all of my online friends: HOOOOOOOOW?!?!?!?
Besides, I figured based on the answer, I might figure that part out on my own.
So, after the Sister told me, last night, about doing the magical solidarity thing, I pretty much was just like, “Well, fuck.” And I told her about the oracular session I as having with Hekate via Sky. She said that was pretty damn fortuitous and good timing, more or less. Yeah, yeah. I put my phone away after our conversation and just stared at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep last night. When I woke up, I had my response from Hekate/Sky.
Two questions are entwined, unescapable. She wanders at crossroads, stumbling into stones that are My domain. Looking at herself she sees the good and the bad, but only on the surface, never looking at where both take root. She doesn’t see the core, the potential fate and fortune have shaped and will shape, what gods’ eyes see when They look into her. Until this is true, she will always listen at her shadow more than she listens to everything else, even her sun.
In witchcraft, she needs to look into the ways of the wisewoman, this is where her talent can be discovered and nurtured, not in places where she is already uncomfortable.
I am not her mother, but I can lead her to the Path if for one complete lunar month and one day, every day she will give me her consent to. Because prayer is consent and consent opens the door. The heart is starved and full with rage – it needs to be settled before impasses can break.
Well. Well. Well. Fuck.
I’m not quite sure what all of it means, but I do understand the last part about the rage. I remember a long time back when I was working on myself, back when the Sister, EM, and I were all a part of a coven. I remember working deeply on myself after the EM said that I was “full of rage.” (Can you tell why they didn’t want me associating with Sekhmet or anything?) She said it was consuming me and that if I didn’t try to get rid of it, somehow, I would be completely consumed in a few years. I’d like to think that the starter I did back then as managed to keep the consumption of rage at bay. I’d like to also think that, at this stage, with the ability and willingness to see that I need more than what’s been sustaining me that I am also doing what I can to keep it from raging (no pun intended) out of control.
The parts that I’m not sure about are the (a) listening to the shadow versus the sun, (b) who my ‘mother’ is, and (c) whether I want to dedicate for a month. How would I even do that? Do I even want to do that? And to answer that… yes, in part at least. This is something that has been coming for a while and I know that I need to work on these things, and that they are, as Hekate makes it seem, tied together in some way or another. In giving her a month and a day, I could probably make further strides than I would if doing it alone. But, is prayer enough? Is thinking about her enough? What else do you do to dedicate to a goddess who you know little to nothing about for a month and a day? And when do I start that? The new moon? And and and.
I’m not very good at reading signs, honestly. If that were the case, I probably wouldn’t have just scrapped all of my last sets of Tarot readings. They were all confused and mishmash, multi-responses to various aspects of my life. It left me more than confused, but hostile towards my cards and under the impression that divination, presently, isn’t something I should be doing. If I had been paying more attention to myself, I probably would have pulled out the Well Worn Path cards I own and worked with those… as I felt the need to do so this morning when I woke up, prior to receiving my E-mailed response.
The Master Weaver is working in this direction with aids from gods I’ve only heard about in passing. What is he up to? And how is this supposed to fix me?