Sometimes, I Jump the Gun.

Devo is one of the best people for me to interact with and start formulating ideas. (Seriously, people. Why haven’t you-all e-stalked her as heavily as I have? She’s all about the information and aid. HONESTLY.) Aside from the Sister, I can just sit there and ramble about things and she usually picks up on hints and clues that I, myself, or the Sister might not latch onto. This helps me because (1) someone is out there as a kind of beta-reader for my spiritual practice and (2) I have a lot more epiphany moments than I have in years. Sometimes, I wonder if (with her blunt words) she plays the part of Sutekh in my life. She always has just the right thing to say to get me to take a giant fucking leap, especially if I’m busy trying not to take that leap. But, she also has some good advice, as well. And when she isn’t doing either of these things, she’s patiently reminding me that I should pay more attention to my instincts, to my gut, and to myself. This is something that I forget a lot of the time. I don’t pay that close attention to what my insides are telling me because I’m just not that intuitive. All that being said, after some rambling conversation with the Sister earlier and a more focused, direct conversation with Devo this evening, I’m wondering if I may have jumped the gun about this whole fallow time.

It just feels different.

Now, I went back through my various posts and have remembered that there are lots of different kinds of reasons for fallow times. However, this feels more like a stumbling block than anything else. The rest of it – the lack of communicating with my gods, the quieting down to the loud-mouthed Legba – is just an after-effect that I’ve put into place, on my own, in some way. Perhaps it’s a way for me to start focusing more intently on what I’m saying versus what they’re saying. Whatever the reasoning behind it all, they’re all quieter than usual and this is really what led me to believe I was in a fallow period. The consideration and determination to continue my side projects – the calendar creation, the voodoo entry project, and the debating of posting some voodoo book reviews – leaves me, also, to believe that this is more of a time out than anything else.

It’s a time of rest.

I started formulating this idea when I was with the Sister for her birthday. We were lying on her bed and just rambling on about various things. I couldn’t get off of the subject of my new-found Fallow Time, honestly. I kept bringing the conversation back because there was something niggling there. It was like when you have a loose tooth and all you want to do is poke and prod at it to get it to fall out. (That way, you won’t have to do the evil attach string to tooth and to a door, and slam the door shut trick. Ugh.) The Sister is pretty good about letting me ramble on, giving me pointed comments, and letting me come to my own conclusions. Otherwise, I might get mad and be all, “WHAAAAAAH? I WANT TO FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!” I’m very much like my four-year-old who wants to try to do new things. When it comes to figuring out the uncertainties in my head, I am more stubborn than my kid is. All that being said, she just let me go on and on and on. I didn’t come any closer to figuring anything else out and when I came home, I was still just as lost as I had been when I went over there.

Really, the only thing I had concluded was that the Master Weaver that is Legba was planning and plotting and doing things that I’m unaware of. I couldn’t say what it is – even now I can feel his fingers working delicately as though he is working with a loom, preparing a beautifully woven tapestry – but it is definitely His Work. And quite possibly, it is the whole point in his being in my life.

When I came back from my visit and I read the comments on my entry about my being in a Fallow Time, I wanted to have a heart attack. Again, someone was telling me what I probably needed to hear but I didn’t know how to go about it. I mentioned on FB that I was getting pretty sick of having to ask people how to fix myself or how to correct my self-esteem issues and how, how, how all of the damn time. Devo commented on that particular post on Facebook. She mentioned that she was doubting that I was even in a Fallow Time, at all. She likened it to hitting a wall and while that is related to being in a Fallow Time, it’s not quite the same thing. I started thinking… There I was, all day, talking with the Sister about how things didn’t quite feel right when it came to this particular Fallow Time. I had projects to work on to see me through. I had things to do. And I could still hear Legba, however faintly he may be. So, maybe I had jumped the gun? That’s always a possibility with me – I jump to a conclusion before I actually see any proof.

I decided to live and let live. I would decide one way or another, but not at that particular moment in time. At that moment, I received a comment from Lady Imbrium. She mentioned that it sounded like I was going through a time of spiritual burn out than anything else. I felt, rather than heard, the bell going off in my head. Ding-ding-ding. This is what I was supposed to be paying attention to. And you know? It really makes a lot of sense.

For months I’ve been going through everything. Every day is a new revelation of some sort, either of a personal or public nature, and all of it revolving around my spiritual practice in some form or another. I was writing a new blog post, daily. I was having epiphanies and moments of deep thought about four to seven days a week in some cases. I was constantly having some new idea. I was constantly thinking about the big, the bad, the bold. And I never had the time for myself, I never had the time to let some of this stuff actually sink in, and I never stopped and gave myself the time I needed away from all of this. I have been living and breathing and dreaming and thinking about my spiritual practice for quite some time now. I think it’s been since February, honestly, but it’s from fairly early on in the year. I never had a moment where I could take time for myself. The only time I was taking was reading some of my fiction novels as opposed to my voodoo or hearth craft or witchcraft books that I have, sitting in a pile, just waiting to be read. I didn’t take the breaks and I was finally at the point of implosion.

So, this. All of this. It’s a time to rest. It’s a time to sit back and guide. It’s a time to wait for the Master Weaver to finish his project in the wings. It is a time to wait for my goddesses to finish working on their pet projects and come back to me. This is a time of learning of a different nature. This is a time of learning about myself. This is a time of learning about what I want in life. This is a time of shutting the self-doubt off. This is a time about me and while my spiritual practice is definitely a part of who I am – as evidenced by how much I’ve been doing in recent months and how often I think about it – it shouldn’t be who I am in totality.

Thus, endeth the lesson.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Sometimes, I Jump the Gun.

  1. If I were to use FlameKeeping terms, you were working on your outer flame- your Light Flame. Now you’re working on your Dark Flame- inner stuff. I’m glad that you’ve sorted out what all is going on, and that it’s not as bad as it first seemed :)

  2. Yeah, Devo is great for that. :)
    When learning an instrument, there’s “hitting a plateau.” I wonder if it’s similar. You get to the point where you aren’t really advancing. You can’t play the difficult parts any faster, despite practicing like you should. Or you aren’t getting any better at memorizing or phrasing or whatever it is you’re trying to do.
    It’s not like the total loss of a dry spell, where you might set your instrument aside in disgust.
    Just no positive feedback.
    In the musical world, that’s usually the time to keep going and solidify what you’ve got.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s