Success Breeds Success, and Failure Leads to a Sort of Fallow Period.

The above title is a quote from Felicity Kendal.

So, if my title isn’t obvious enough, let me just go right ahead and say that it appears I’m entering a fallow period in my practice. This is kind of funny, ironic, and amusing since, you know, when I wanted shit to be fallow and demanded that it happen, nothing came of it. However, apparently, all I needed to do to make it happen was start doubting myself so badly and be angry so much of the time that it’s blocking out everything. Oh, yeah. Self-esteem, you are a truly unwieldy sword, but when it comes down to it, you know how to fuck shit up faster than I can do myself. And that’s the gist of this. My fallow period isn’t about anything more than a seriously fucked up version of self-esteem that gets me nowhere and does nothing for me.

The thing is that I’ve always known my self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a major breaking point in my spiritual practice. Some things happen and I back off because I don’t like the results, or the results just don’t actually happen. Case in point with witchery and spells. Some things don’t work out right and I back off because I wasn’t expecting that shit to happen when it did. Case in point with the fraças from about a month ago. And now it’s more than just results or something unexpected happening or fights with others or any of that shit. It’s just a simple fact that I don’t trust what I’m doing, who I am, or where all of this is going. I was so sure of myself before the drama-llama entered my life and before all of the at-home bullshit going on. Now? Not so much.

This is part and parcel to the post I wrote about on DON’T PANIC. I wrote about what it was that was getting to me and why I’ve been so bitchy about shit lately. It’s why I’ve been regurgitating very angry-related messages, comments, and whatnot. And it wasn’t just all the mundane stuff going on at home, but after having seen all of the things that I can’t do and the overwhelming reasons being because my self-esteem lives in the shitter… Well, that’s a great sour point. And I’m at that sour point. I have to work on myself to get where I want and I don’t know how to do that… Yet another thing that I don’t know how to do.

The one thing about all of this is that Legba is still around. The goddesses have been quiet since the stuff with the Sister went down. At first, I just assumed this was because at least one of them was working with the Sister’s main patroness about things. (I’m almost positive that Hetharu and Aphrodite are brewing something up, but I couldn’t tell you what it is or why. And I think Sekhmet is in on this for her healing capabilities, but I’m not one hundred percent on that.) Now, I’m thinking that I’ve accidentally, and without realizing it, cut myself off from them with this self-doubt bullshit I have going on. But there is Legba. He’s not as strong as he normally is or as obviously, and I think I may have hurt his feelings (as I told Larissa in a comment). But, aside from that, he’s still around…

…which makes me want to question other people who work with the lwa and what happens when they have a fallow time…

In the mean time, I don’t really know how to fix this. I don’t know how to fix myself so, obviously, I don’t know how to fix this. I will be working more on my Voodoo Project because it’s time to get more of that out there. I’ll also be working on a list of resources and a bibliography for various sections of pagandom: witchcraft, voodoo, Kemetism, Heathenry, herbalism, etc. I’ll also be trying to work on the ongoing process that is my navigation bar. So, hopefully by the time I have a plan for what to do and how to fix myself, my blog’s page will be more steam-lined and sexy than it is now.

So. There we have it. I’m in a Fallow Time. If anyone knows how to fix themselves, drop me a line. I’d love to know what to do here.

Relevant Posts

  1. It Is Well To Lie Fallow for a While.
  2. Fallow Isn’t Just About Fields and Dreams.
  3. My Bitter, Bitter Stew.
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13 thoughts on “Success Breeds Success, and Failure Leads to a Sort of Fallow Period.

  1. It isn’t that the fields are empty. They are too full. You don’t let go very often, so your fields are full of burned bridges, no-longer-friends, and all the bad stuff that happens to you, carefully filed away for complaints against The Powers That Be. None of it rots away to fertilize the field, or is carted away to clear the soil. Its more like a field of junked cars slowly leeching poison into the ground. So the question becomes are you going to fix the field, or let it stay as it is until it chokes you completely?

    • You are right. I do not let go very often. I stew and mull and hang on to stuff years and years later. Some of it, I’m told, that it takes lots and lots of time before the letting go happens. (The ex-husband stuff, for example.) And while others, I wonder if I hold onto it because I’m worried that in the forgetting the lesson will be lost or forgotten. I’m constantly working on things in my spiritual practice and so, don’t feel like I have time to work on me.

      How do I cart it away?

      • Identify what is truly a lesson and what you’re holding onto for spite. Try to objectively identify what was a wrong against you and what is a wrong you did to others. Figure out what you really need to remember and what is a wound jealously guarded. If the only way you can remember a lesson is to hurt yourself (and others, more specifically the ones who care about you) with it, then it wasn’t the right sort of lesson for you. (Then of course, is the learning to not forget, precisely, but letting it become a memory instead of a hurt. Kinda like letting a wound heal; there will be a scar to remind you but the constant day to day hurt isn’t there.)

        Some of it can’t be removed. Its been there so long that it is a part of you, for good or ill. But the damage it does can be mitigated, absorbed, and learned from. It hinges entirely on you and how honest you are willing to be with yourself. It also helps if you can forgive yourself and others without caveat (saying “I forgive stupid me for doing stupid stuff” is not the same as “I forgive myself for making mistakes.” Took me years to learn the difference.).

  2. I take things at a slow pace. When I’m in Fallow Time (usually of my own creation) I just enjoy the quiet and start slowly working on those internal issues that brought me to this place. One by one I will decide which issue needs to be addressed and which one can be “towed away” for the scrap heap. There’s no rush, I have plenty of time, this isn’t a race. Take my time and do it right.
    Usually I do this by acknowledging that there is a problem in a certain area. I may or may not make an apology to a certain Spirit (they rarely apologize to me, so why would I grovel before them without cause?) I’ll usually do as you said and work on something else, one thing at a time, baby steps, (use your own allegory).
    I’ll go back through my posts or review my own workings with Spirit (I rarely second guess myself anymore because doing so can lead to self confidence issues), so I just live with my initial decisions and move on. My first reaction in hindsight has usually been the best reaction and so I have learned that losing friends (though painful) is a learning process about who and who not to trust in the future. Or when picking friends, being able to discern from their posts or actions what type of persons they are before I become too heavily involved with them. Learning from past experiences is what I am talking about here.
    I’m not exactly sure if this is what you’re asking for so I’ll just stop here.

    • I was kind of talking about all of this with the Sister. And I’m wondering if this Fallow Period is supposed to be a learning time. I feel like there’s more than just my self-esteem to work on… but what? Where do I turn to? And what do I have to do with all of this? Why now, when I wanted it a month ago? And what is going on in the background?

      Questions, questions, questions. No answers.

  3. Sounds to me like spiritual burn-out. Physical burn-out is something I’m intimately familiar with due to my high-speed, low-drag, adrenaline junkie lifestyle. When I feel it coming on I call up a friend, have a good cry and then go get a beer. It’s not a perfect solution but it creates the sense of distance from the busy-ness so that I can catch my breath and rest. Maybe this idea will help?

  4. hehehehe our others and guides expect us to have moments like that. I think it takes a lot more to hurt their feelings. You are judging yourself too harshly. The “others” know human behavior. If they weren’t equipped to deal with it, they wouldn’t be teachers and guides. (And perhaps dealing with it is a learning process for them to AS guides and teachers).

    I’m definitely no Loa or voodoo expert. Kristin is far more experienced in that and its because she had her calling with them that I know any of them at all….I happened to stumble across my work with Legba on pure accident during a very bad day when I sought him out just as a friend, not as a deity or for work or worship, and we had a nice drunk conversation and then BAM. Suddenly I was in a boat literally on the way to face my problems head on face to face…. I really think you need to just open up and let legba teach you informally. If he’s still there, even though he may be more faint than usual–he’s still there. He’s giving you that silent “go” card. He’s waiting for you, you take those first steps toward him, he’ll meet you there.

    During fallows times I was always aware I was missing the point. But i’d get angry going “WELL HOW THE HELL DO I FIND THE POINT?” It makes your head hurt with frustration. I pulled tarot endlessly and consulted every form of divination asking for what the point was that I was missing or for some guidance to help me see the point. Let me tell you. I’ve been “practicing” for 10 years now. 8 years of that was fallow time. Knowing there was SOMETHING there but I just wasn’t getting it. I can honestly say that I only finally figured out the missing point recently…like I was on the verge of it all year but it probably wasn’t until a few months ago really that it finally hit me.

    Plough through this fallow time. Stop struggling to find the answer. Take what is there (cough legba cough), and go with it. Don’t try to fit methods, don’t try to do what you have always been doing. Fallow times are our gateways and invitations to see what our path and spirituality is really all about–and it may be nothing like what you want or expect.

    Yea, so maybe you still make formal offerings to Legba (we all know he gets pissy when you don’t share coffee daily, no offense good sir) but maybe Legba wants to teach you on a totally different level than you’ve ever read about or experiened. Your goddesses may teach you one way but he’ll teach you something your mind has never fathomed—and if you keep LOOKING for things, you’re putting constraints on what can be, based on your mental capacity.

    So let go of everything, don’t be upset that this is a confusing fallow time, open your mind slowly and freely, and accept whatever comes and experience it fully.

    Before you know your fallow time has passed and you didn’t even notice.
    I know that all sounds easier said than done, but really half the battle is reconciling our frustrations that we put upon ourselves.

    • You know… everything keeps coming back to Master Weaver Legba. (He’s chortling at that description.) And I’ve known for a while that he’s pushing me in various directions, on purpose, to see which ones I jump into and which ones I hide from. I seriously have to wonder what the hell he’s planning. I asked him to come to me in dreams last night, but alas, nothing came of that. He’s either holding his cards VERY close to his chest or he’s just searching for something… I WISH I KNEW WHAT HIS THING IS.

      And I’m wondering if this fallow period really is, you know, fallow. Lady Imbrium, above, commented about it sounding more like spiritual burn out. And someone else said that as well. This intrigues me because for the last few months I’ve been writing in this blog with some epiphany or another every day and I’ve hardly had time to let those lessons soak in before something new is coming around to smack me in the face. So, I’m wondering if it’s just time to take a break and relax with it all while it soaks into my dense head.

  5. also I hope the “mental capactiy” doesn’t come off as offensive. I don’t mean that you’re stupid or anything xD I just mean that when we create a circle-shaped box, we will never fit an over sized square into it. When we limit ourselves to what our minds know, we limit what we allow ourselves to see. Anyway I just wanted to clear that up because I read my own comment and was like THAT COMES OFF REALLY BITCHY WHEN I DIDN’T MEAN TO. xD <3

    • It takes a lot to offend me, actually. And if I do become offended, I tend to take a step back, look at what it is that I feel is offensive, and order myself to get over it. XD But, I knew what you meant anyway.

  6. I am sorry that you are experiencing a Fallow Period. I recently went through one myself. At that time I did turn my focus inward and began to look at my shadow. Even though I did not feel “it,” I kept up with my practice and the inner work that was necessary. After a time, it worked itself out, and I feel I am on track once again. Vague, yes, but I know no other way to explain it. There was no “aha” moment, it all just fell in line.

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