The above title is a quote from Felicity Kendal.
So, if my title isn’t obvious enough, let me just go right ahead and say that it appears I’m entering a fallow period in my practice. This is kind of funny, ironic, and amusing since, you know, when I wanted shit to be fallow and demanded that it happen, nothing came of it. However, apparently, all I needed to do to make it happen was start doubting myself so badly and be angry so much of the time that it’s blocking out everything. Oh, yeah. Self-esteem, you are a truly unwieldy sword, but when it comes down to it, you know how to fuck shit up faster than I can do myself. And that’s the gist of this. My fallow period isn’t about anything more than a seriously fucked up version of self-esteem that gets me nowhere and does nothing for me.
The thing is that I’ve always known my self-esteem, or lack thereof, is a major breaking point in my spiritual practice. Some things happen and I back off because I don’t like the results, or the results just don’t actually happen. Case in point with witchery and spells. Some things don’t work out right and I back off because I wasn’t expecting that shit to happen when it did. Case in point with the fraças from about a month ago. And now it’s more than just results or something unexpected happening or fights with others or any of that shit. It’s just a simple fact that I don’t trust what I’m doing, who I am, or where all of this is going. I was so sure of myself before the drama-llama entered my life and before all of the at-home bullshit going on. Now? Not so much.
This is part and parcel to the post I wrote about on DON’T PANIC. I wrote about what it was that was getting to me and why I’ve been so bitchy about shit lately. It’s why I’ve been regurgitating very angry-related messages, comments, and whatnot. And it wasn’t just all the mundane stuff going on at home, but after having seen all of the things that I can’t do and the overwhelming reasons being because my self-esteem lives in the shitter… Well, that’s a great sour point. And I’m at that sour point. I have to work on myself to get where I want and I don’t know how to do that… Yet another thing that I don’t know how to do.
The one thing about all of this is that Legba is still around. The goddesses have been quiet since the stuff with the Sister went down. At first, I just assumed this was because at least one of them was working with the Sister’s main patroness about things. (I’m almost positive that Hetharu and Aphrodite are brewing something up, but I couldn’t tell you what it is or why. And I think Sekhmet is in on this for her healing capabilities, but I’m not one hundred percent on that.) Now, I’m thinking that I’ve accidentally, and without realizing it, cut myself off from them with this self-doubt bullshit I have going on. But there is Legba. He’s not as strong as he normally is or as obviously, and I think I may have hurt his feelings (as I told Larissa in a comment). But, aside from that, he’s still around…
…which makes me want to question other people who work with the lwa and what happens when they have a fallow time…
In the mean time, I don’t really know how to fix this. I don’t know how to fix myself so, obviously, I don’t know how to fix this. I will be working more on my Voodoo Project because it’s time to get more of that out there. I’ll also be working on a list of resources and a bibliography for various sections of pagandom: witchcraft, voodoo, Kemetism, Heathenry, herbalism, etc. I’ll also be trying to work on the ongoing process that is my navigation bar. So, hopefully by the time I have a plan for what to do and how to fix myself, my blog’s page will be more steam-lined and sexy than it is now.
So. There we have it. I’m in a Fallow Time. If anyone knows how to fix themselves, drop me a line. I’d love to know what to do here.
- It Is Well To Lie Fallow for a While.
- Fallow Isn’t Just About Fields and Dreams.
- My Bitter, Bitter Stew.