Remember how, for a while, I was always going on about how we should write about the things we do in the arena of mistakes and in those moments when we have Fallow Times? This is kind of one of those posts, only instead of actually talking about my mistakes, I’m going to start getting down and dirty with some misconceptions I’ve come across in recent days. This is all because of various posts in The Island of Misfit Pagans, a group on Facebook. We’ve had a bunch of new members join and everyone is bringing some totally fucking kickass discussions to the table. Some of those made me realize that I have some misconceptions, which others may or may not share, and I’m not really sure where they come from. So let’s work through them together!
You can ask your OTHERS™ for help guarding your house.
Legitimately, that was my first real reaction when I saw someone say that today. I just kind of took a mental step back and stared at my phone for a good five minutes before trying to process this. My instinctual, gut, visceral reaction to this statement was not just complete disbelief but a definite no. I’m not saying that others don’t do this or that it’s wrong. I don’t care what others do in their spiritual lives, unless it means shitting on or desecrating others’ beliefs. (Then? This bitch gets mad.) I just couldn’t think of why I would ask Legba, Sekhmet, or Hetharu to do this on my behalf. I never really realized, I guess, that my relationship to all of them was more servile than I had always imagined it to be. It seemed like it was pretty damn presumptuous for me to inquire as to whether they would help me with this. I mean, don’t they have more important things to be doing than guarding my house? And isn’t that, like, my job to do anyway since I live in this physical plane and they live, well, wherever they live?
While mulling this over and re-reading what I’ve written already, I realized where all of this comes from. A part of it is that while I definitely serve the Old Man, even if our relationship tends to be more buddy-buddy than you’d find in most cases (I assume), I always considered myself a servant of my gods, as well. Someone once tried to explain the relationship between worshiping the gods and serving the lwa in this regard: You work with, help, get help, and give to the gods. You are in service to the lwa. That may be the case in that person’s particular situation, but it doesn’t appear to be the case for me. I’m definitely a servant of Sekhmet and Hetharu and even, Mut. I am their representative here and I give them the things, I feel, they need to interact more easily on this plane of existence. I never really realized, but I think that’s what I feel the extent of my relationship with them is. I am a vessel that aids them and little else. That means that I can’t possibly ask of them to do things like guard my house or even, you know, help me when it comes to magic.
Oh, yes. This all ties into my lack of magic.
Someone once ordered me to turn to the Ghede when both my son and I was sick. I had never asked Sekhmet or the Ghede for aid in this manner before. And while it’s not magic from a witchcraft sense, to me, it all is. Even if you’re just asking for a little help from the Deadz and a goddess of healing, it ties in with magic (in my head). And I never thought to turn to them for this because it seemed… wrong, somehow. I am something that helps them and not vice versa. I think this actually may stem from my self-esteem problems. I think so negatively of myself that in service to my OTHERS™, I can’t possibly ask them to help me with things like magic or healing or guarding my house. I don’t deserve that kind of assistance, maybe. And it’s a misconception on so many fucking levels. I don’t even know where to start with fixing that… so I won’t. I’ll leave it alone for now and tell you about Misconception #2.
You can open up your God-Phone and say you’re sorry to Ganesha.
My first thought on this one was, okay, well how the fuck do I do that? (Not to sound bitchy or anything.) It’s only been in the last week that I realized my God-Phone was on in any way. And the only reason I realized it was because I stopped letting the self-imposed blinders do what they’ve been doing for so long. I stopped worrying about everything and just really listened to what my insides have been trying to tell me for a very long time. (Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not the most intuitive person on the planet.) But aside from realizing that it’s in tune with the OTHERS™ who share my living space in any way, I don’t know how to tune it, so to speak, to other OTHERS™.
Case in point, I know that I’ve communicated or been talked/ordered by the Sister’s OTHERS™. Most specifically, both Aphrodite and Hermes have poked and prodded me when they want something and she’s been dense about it. So, I know that there are gods and whatnot out there that can tap into my frequency and talk to me, but how do I willfully do that? I mean. I’ll be so incredibly honest here that people might not want to continue reading after this: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING ABOUT 85% OF THE TIME. I’m on sure ground with some things, such as what kind of stuff to give to the Old Man and Sekhmet and Hetharu. (I still have no idea about Mut or even what her roll in my life is.) But when it comes to talking with gods and spirits and the lwa, I always figured it had more to do with meditation and astral stuff and all the things that I don’t or can’t do. (I haven’t decided if all of that stuff is a “don’t” or a “can’t.”) I’ve obviously learned that isn’t the case, but if that’s true, then how do I turn my antenna to someone new?
Or even someone who is new but not really because you pissed him off so badly that you wanted to hide under a rock for twenty years if/when he’s mentioned in conversation?
The misconception in this case is that I can’t do it. Obviously, I can in some way or another because I do it, without realizing it, with the Sister’s gods. I do it with her gods a lot of the time, actually. So, obviously I can do it but I just haven’t learned how to do the willful aspect of it. I don’t know how to distinctly turn it on, distinctly wave my satellite dish around, and distinctly communicate with a god who isn’t close to me in any way. Again, these I “can’t” thing has to do with my self-esteem issues, I’m almost positive here. I’m so used to feeling like I’ll never succeed at X, Y, or Z that I also assume likewise in my spiritual life. And it’s obviously keeping me backed up against a wall in cases like this. This is something that I have to work on and fix, but again, I’m not really sure how.
Not everyone can meditate.
I can’t meditate to save my life. I’ve tried about a hundred thousand times in a million different ways. The only thing I’ve kept back on is the whole guided meditation thing, the reason being that I don’t have a way to hear the guided meditations. (Nope. No iPod and my phone is too shitty to let me do stuff like that. And no, there is no radio in my house. Plus, you know, the whole being a parent things makes it doubly hard for time for myself, never mind time for myself and meditation.) And I’m at my breaking point with trying any more. I’ve been trying to do this for almost ten years now and it’s really getting old. If I can’t meditate without a guided meditation, then really, is it something I want to do in the first place?
But, it was mentioned that there are just certain people who can’t.
And I’ve read a thousand websites about meditating and whatnot, all of which are out to get me because they all tell me that I “can.” I just have to be in the “right mindset.” Yeah, well. Try to raise a kid, a husband, be without a job, have to fix your car, and living in a shit-box apartment. I’m sure none of those are helping with the “right mindset.” And honestly, I’m such a negative person that I doubt I’d be able to get into the “right mindset” anyway. But, I’ll take the idea that I can’t do it because I don’t have the right parts, any day, over being told that I just have to “keep at it.” If I see one more flowery, scripted, happy-go-lucky word about how I’m not trying hard enough or something, I’d be pretty much likely to either punch a kitten or pull out my hair. Either one would leave me feeling like shit afterward and honestly, that’s how my being “unable” to meditate makes me feel… like shit.
I think the misconception here is that anyone can make a fucking website nowadays and too often, we see all of these people going on about how “happy” they all are. (I have a point, I swear.) All the time on my Facebook page, I see people posting things about how we just have to strive for happiness and that we have to love ourselves completely and then everything else will fall into place. Excuse me while I throw up a little in my mouth. That’s not what life is about, as far as I’m concerned. And no amount of meditating or learning to “love” myself is going to make my life ten times better. Even if I do suddenly realize that I am an awesome person and that I do love myself, that’s not going to make the fact that I live in a shit-box apartment, have to fix my car, am still job-less, the hubby is still job-less, and that I don’t receive handouts at all (except in the form of clothes or toys for my kid) any fucking easier to handle. I might smile a little more, though.
Okay, side-rant over.
Just because someone says it on a website doesn’t necessarily make it true.