The above is a quote from Harriet Lerner.
There come times when people get angry with their god(s). Not everything in your life is sunshine and rainbows coming out of unicorn butts, and the same can be said when we have interactions with gods. A lot of people will talk about how things are “great” and gloss over all the other actual shit going on in their lives. I’m guilty of it and chances are whoever is reading this is guilty of it. I vaguely remember someone posting once that they hated small talk because no one really cared how you were feeling or how things have been in your life. (LJ, was that you?) This is incredibly true. If you hardly know somebody, then they don’t want to hear all the bullshit churning around in your life. The same is said of people when it comes to their relationships with the gods. Sure, we hear about Fallow Times more often now and maybe mistakes, too, but we still don’t discuss our anger when it comes to the gods. Why is that? Why do we keep that stuff in? All it does is become a cancerous growth that can affect you in any way at any time. It’s as bad for the soul as carcinogens for the body.
I’ve been angry with my gods on several occasions, but I’ve come to see that as part of the whole “faith” thing. Faith is considered one of those blind things that you do when you believe in something. If it were so blind, then chances are, we wouldn’t find so many difficulties with it and things would be much smoother. If it was so blind, then we probably wouldn’t have Fallow Times or mistakes or anger or sadness when it comes to the communication and interaction we have with our gods. If faith was so fucking easy, then everyone would be doing it. The growing number of atheists in this country, and in the world at large, is a good handy example as to how very difficult having faith is. How can you completely trust in people, never mind gods that are leery about the whole proof thing? In the Christian religion, the proof is the Bible. However, I know quite a few Christians who still have large issues with the faith thing, whether blind or otherwise. In paganism, it’s not so simple. (Ask any of the atheistic pagans out there and they’ll tell you that the proof part is the hardest thing.) Our proofs are older than the Bible in some instances or all part of our personal unverified personal gnosis. That, to me, can make it ten times harder.
And what happens when your anger clouds your judgement? That’s part of the horrific nature of anger. It clouds everything in a haze of unending red and black, with pain and fire. It makes it that much harder for the faith part to happen, but it also makes living that much harder as well. When you’re so busy letting your anger eat up your very soul, what’s the point any longer? And I’m not just talking about the gods and interactions and belief and faith, but I’m also talking about everything else. What’s the point in maintaining friendships? What’s the point in worrying about having enough spoons to see you through? What’s the point in living any longer? If you’re so filled with anger and the feeling of betrayal, then after a while, that’s all you are. Suspicion and pain reign supreme and all you will ever have for the efforts is more suspicion and more pain. I let anger eat me up until I thought I was nothing more than a funeral pyre at times. It was that anger, more than anything else, that scared me away from Sekhmet time and time and time again. I was so full of hatred and irritation and anger and pain that I didn’t know anything else. I’m learning, though.
And so, too, can everyone else.
If you let anger overshadow your faith, then the faith is no longer worth it. It’s not worth the fight and the hard work that has brought you to this point. Sure, all roads lead somewhere and in another place, maybe, the road you were actually plodding down wasn’t supposed to lead you to the point where you are angry with your gods. For whatever reason, this road has ended up there. But it’s not a dead-end, as much as you may think of it that way. It’s more like a crossroads. The problem being that you are so clouded with that anger that you can’t see any of the other paths that you could turn down. You can go in any direction you so desire – you can blaze through and forge your own path. You can become one with your faith again. You can let go of the cloudiness and murkiness that anger has brought you and let it go. Or, you can stay in that little area that you see as a dead-end and cry yourself out until all you know is the fury that’s eating away at your soul.
The choice is really yours, of course.
People like me can push and prod you. People like me can yell at you and say it kindly. People like me can hold your eyes open in the hopes that you’ll finally see. But, it’s really not our place to force these things upon you. Sure, we can tell you what you need to hear and we can tell you what the gods may actually have been doing or have been trying to say to you but you’ve been too deaf to hear. We can do all of those things, but again, there comes that painful matter of free will. It gets in the way sometimes, but that’s the cross that we all bear for being human: the ability to jump to great new heights or to plummet to new horrifying depths.
The choice is yours.