The candles flicker wildly all in the room. Candles cover every surface available, of which there are many. The flames make themselves more and more apparent. They lie comfortably two inches or more above their wicks, hissing and popping in the wide room. A soft breeze blows through, but though they flicker like demons, the candles do not go out. I wonder where I am. I am curious to see the resolution of this moment. But nothing comes to me. I am in that room alone.
I had this vision last night just prior to going to bed. When I had it, I softly called out, Mawat, in a watery voice that held little sound to it. There was the feeling of a hand upon my shoulder and I was comforted in that moment. The visions that I’ve been having all have something to do with something or other, but this is a steady one. It was only this morning as I was drunkenly puzzling it out (drunken in the fact that I’m still in that in-between feeling/state) that I realized I knew that room. I had been there before when I was told that Mut is in my life. And it was to her that I called out for comfort in my sudden uncertainty and fear – she seems to prefer my calling her mawat to anything else. It is like I have a mother who is nearby and yet, unseen. She breathes me full of comfort and love. She is a great goddess.
So, while the visions themselves are still a large puzzle, I at least know where my mind flies to when I have them. I am in that large, gold-glittered room with the table in the center, filled with golden statues of my consortium of goddesses. In this particular vision, I was on a side of this open-walled room, between two large columns and at my back was a sheer black curtain flapping in the breeze. I didn’t get the chance to see anything in the center, but only the glitter of the candles that surrounded the room on every side. This is a starting place or maybe, more like, a comfortable place. It is like a home, a second or third one to be true, but a home nonetheless. I am supposed to go there regularly, but why?
What is all of this about?
In my last post, two people commented with remarks that were, along the lines, that it appears that I’m becoming more aware of my astral self. If that is the case, then does that mean that I actually go to that room in more than just my head? I don’t know what I thought of in this whole astral thing. I think I always thought of it as flying out of body. My best friend in Texas used to do “fly” as a child. She swore it up and down, “I can fly. I can fly.” No one believed her. It’s after many years that we both realized she wanted to escape from her life so badly that she was able to pull herself out of her body and fly. So, when I think “astral” that’s what tends to come to mind. Is it like that? I know that Foxdreams is working on a post about all of this, but I’m wondering.
Now, I flee in the face of all of this. I have discovered, at the least, where I go. I have also discovered, or I think I have, that this is all a gift from mawat. I think it came when I lay there begging after writing about heka not working. I remember lying in bed with tears in my eyes and begging her, “Help me. Get me to see. I’m doubting. I don’t think this. It hurts. I hate this. Why is this happening to me? Why? I don’t understand what you-all want from me.” And then, the fog came and I’ve been living in it since.