Apparently, all I’ve been able to do today is offend people in some form or fashion with the words that I choose. It seems like the second my fingers hit the keys, I’m led down the inexorable path to offend and cause harm to others. Call me crazy, but this seems like the antithesis to what I’ve been striving for with all of this talk about living in ma’at. I’ve been thinking calmly, coolly, and rationally before responding, but apparently, I am careless all over the place and let things slip out without realizing it. This, in turn, has offended other people in various instances. And the shit just keeps rolling downhill. While I know that I’m over-emotional because of it being that time of the month, I also know that the emotional toll of this knowledge stems from the fact that I feel that I cannot express myself properly in any way, shape, or form without causing harm, which in turn is causing harm to the path that I, ultimately, hope that I can tread. I was reduced to tears earlier when I thought about writing this entry, but as time has passed, the emotions fell away and I felt able to write this post… only to learn that the shit storm is still rolling down hill and look at that. Tears, again.
A while back, I used the word “rape” in a context not associated with sexual assault. I was utilizing it in regards to just what a mechanic is liable to do to you if you’re not careful enough. Since the word “rape” does have other definitions and I was utilizing it this context, “an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation.” This was, apparently, not correct. I was called to the carpet, so to speak, and laid out. I explained that the above definition was the version I was using and apologized for having offended. I felt awful in a variety of ways. I felt badly for having brought someone a possible trigger. I felt guilty for having utilized a word that could be so offensive to someone. And then, I was angry that my jest was taken so literally. I felt like I was being singled out and pointed the finger at. Even writing this, I’m feeling all of these things, but mostly overwhelmed. I ended up deciding that I’m kind of done with that quarter. (Just a note: This happened on TC for anyone who cares. I think this has soured me from there for a while.) I cannot change it, but I was so mad. Why should I stem my speech because someone else can’t handle it?
But, heka right? And words have power, right?
Well, I ranted a bit on my FB about it. It was just a place to let off steam. The thing is that I forgot… I am friends on FB with various people who post on this forum and may or may not have seen the original commentary. And guess what? Yes, someone from TC commented on my FB status about it. She raised a point and I conceded that to her, but I don’t agree. I don’t feel the need to curb things because others can be negatively impacted. As I talked about this with the Sister, she even went on to say that in using the words in day-to-day speech, it aids to desensitize us to the traumas we have experienced and I had to agree. Does that mean that I use “rape” regularly? No. Does that mean that I should keep my mouth shut? Apparently because all this has shown me is that my words offend, which means that obviously, I’m not paying too close attention to the heka I’m striving for.
And later, I received an E-mail from my mom about something else. I offended a mutual Christian friend with telling her that I believed the Exodus stemmed from the Hyksos expulsion out of Egypt. This hurt my feelings because, even though we don’t see eye-to-eye and as I said somewhere she doesn’t give me a lick of credit for even saying that the Exodus happened, she is my friend. And while I see that I am running out of spoons for that quarter, it still sucks that I managed to offend her sensibilities. And then, later, my mother told me that things I’ve said have offended her. Even though she is not a practicing Christian, some of the terms I’ve utilized to sarcastically remark about Christian holidays have offended her. And while I was already hurt and wounded from having brought harm to someone else, it was made ten times worse when I realized that my careless attitude has negatively affected my mother as well. Nothing else matters, really, in lieu of my mother’s aches because I will never meet the Christian friend or the person from TC. All that matters is that I stupidly offended my mother.
Even after deciding that I was living in ma’at and taking more care.
Ah. Water works. There are the tears that I’ve been suppressing just about all day.
I feel stupid and retarded. I feel like I’ve made this epic decision to live a better life, but no matter what the hell I try, it still fucking fails. I feel like I can’t do anything right: a stupid foolish little girl who is playing with things beyond her ken. All of this falls down around me and all I can see is that every time I let my fingers spread across the keys or I open my mouth, I end up hurting someone. What’s the point anymore? What is the point to any of this shit anymore? What’s the point to the idols and to the incense and to the offerings and to the walking beside these beings if I can’t even figure out how to speak/type without bringing harm to others?
I’ve always thought of heka as us imbuing power into words. I’ve always thought if it as our conscious decision to put power into the things we say. But, as time goes by, I seem to realize that the words have power on their own. If we ignore them, maybe that power will flee (in the case of words like “rape,” for instance) but we don’t do that. Human beings pay too close attention to those negative things that we give them more power than a girl like me can handle. And at this juncture? This girl just can’t fucking handle it.