The title is a quote from Henry David Thoreau.
So, today is a kind of day where I’m wallowing in the mire, the mud so to speak. It’s not really mud, but a whole bastion of self-esteem issues that have been around since high school. This seems to culminate whenever I started looking, actively, for work again. I get my resume all queued up and ready to go, look at its woeful little bulletins and start to feel sorry for myself. I end up feeling sorry for myself because I didn’t stay at that job or because I got fired from the last one. Then, this manifests into a whole other realm of what I’ve dubbed “shit-esteem” that ends up with a snowball effect: it just keeps going and going. There aren’t any trees or boulders or little villages to stop it, so it just keeps going. In the end, I invariably want to hide from myself and everyone around me because I’m just “not good enough” for anything. It ends up with me having a tear fest with those ugly-sobs that no amount of Photoshop will ever make pretty: snot running down the nose and puffy cheeks and eyeballs. You know what I’m talking about. So, in mentioning that I was there to Devo, she told me to stop it.
I had to laugh. I can imagine her with her hands on her hips and her blasé attitude just telling me to cut the shit. It’s a nice thing, having someone tell me to stop it. So, I agreed with her and left it at that. She then went on to mention that the next time I went on about this stuff, she was going to send me to Momma Aset. She said my current situation (going to work to take care of my family and protect them from abject poverty) is something that Aset knows well and truly about. She also reminded me that she had to “wallow in the mud” for her son just like I was going to have to in my future for my son. This ended up as a cascade effect (which effectively pulled me out of my shit-esteem moment). Why the hell don’t I have a relationship with Aset already?
I’ve never really approached gods before, to be honest. After my disaster with Ganesha, I’ve pretty much let them come to me. This is why Hermes has been, occasionally, knocking at my door (and I ignore him). But other gods, I’ve felt an affinity for but I’ve left them to their own devises. As it is, I have enough to handle with both Sekhmet and Hetharu, never mind Legba and his shenanigans, going on in my life. And it’s not exactly like I have a lot of room for yet another deity in my already cramped apartment. This is, also, why I probably only have the two gods (and the Lwa – he’d really be upset if I neglected to mention him in all of this) as opposed to the slew of gods other people have. I’m not knocking those people, by the way. I’m merely saying that because I’m not open to having relationships with more than the two I have and because I don’t actively approach other gods with the intention of getting their attention, I have a lot less headache and worry. But, in looking back at Sekhmet and her love for me and her place in my life and how Hetharu came in, as well, I have to wonder why I never really looked to Aset.
I mean, she has qualifications that I think are pretty decent, as a goddess. I don’t think I’d have an as-close relationship with her as I have manifested with Sekhmet and Hetharu, though, and maybe that’s a reason why I also keep apart. But, to be perfectly honest, in questioning myself about why Aset isn’t in my life, I have to laugh. SPOILER ALERT I’ve been writing about her, or a manifestation of her, in my work-in-progress since I started working on it. My main character’s name is Aset, for cripe’s sake. So, in a way, I guess, I always was paying her homage, but I never considered it that way because the portions of Aset in this main character aren’t fully formed and won’t be until the Sekhmet parts come into play. (Oh, oh. Where am I going with this? Curious? Are you? Good. You’ll want to read it when it’s published. Muwahahaha. Oh, and by the way? This is the most information I’ve given about my work-in-progress to anyone who hasn’t read my first or second draft.) So, maybe in a way, I was just kind of tip-toeing through the whole ordeal of picking up another goddess to worship.
You know, I look at all of these people who bow down to Re and Djehuti and Seshat and Sutekh and have shrines for them in various places. I look at them and I wonder how they can handle having relationships with more than just a few gods and I have to wonder, too, how they can deal with the significant differences in each relationship. In one aspect, the god in question can be a particular patron, all-encompassing and there for you on a regular basis whilst other gods can just be there, whenever. How do you handle a relationship with the gods if it isn’t a patron relationship? And honestly, could I even handle all of that? Sure, I don’t see Legba as a patron or anything for me. In point of fact, I do little things for him here and there, but nothing big or extravagant. Whereas with Hetharu and Sekhmet, I donate blood and I clean or bake. I do fairly long-term projects that have meaning to them, but they’re my patrons, so it makes sense.
How do you have a relationship with a god if they’re not your patron?
I just don’t know.
All I do know is that my interesting is piqued, anew, in Aset’s direction. And honestly, if I’m going to be building the practice that I can envision, I’m obviously going to have to come out of my gods-related shell. And, quite honestly, get over my fear of pissing a new god/dess off and quite honestly, get over the idea of being more than just a little god-bothered.