The above is an adjusted quote from John Quincy Adams.
So, last week, I was told to look into heka by Hetharu. She wanted me to focus on that, considering the little leaps and bounds I had been making in regards to it. What she wanted, I couldn’t say. All I know is that I had the itchy, got-to-do-it feeling with last week’s PBP post. It was why, even though I had nominally given up, I still ended up writing about heka in that post. In not doing it, I was facing the possibility of failing a task set by my goddess (I wonder if the task was given to me specifically by H or if S had something to do with it, as well, that seems like something she’d do…), which I wasn’t willing to do. I’ve failed a lot in my relationship with Hetharu; the least I could do was get it out.
And in a way, I did… but not really.
I mean, I did end up writing about it, obviously, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted something along the lines of scholarly and comprehensive. She appreciated the fact that I was able to write about the whole process and belief of heka in personal terms, but she wanted the egg before the chicken, so to speak. The chicken was supposed to be this big, large posting about what heka is, what the belief behind it is, and its relation to the concepts of hu and sia, as well as its relation to living in ma’at. Then, she said that I could go on about heka in personal terms, but only after I had already laid out the ground work. For whatever reason, the ground work that I was looking to lay wasn’t forthcoming. So, instead of the foundation that she had asked for, I gave her a ramshackle hut that could fall over in the first stiff wind.
The feeling I have from this is only a partial failure. In essence, I completed the task set before me, but we all know how “in essence” can work out when it comes to our relationships with the gods. Just because we have the “in essence” portion of the work doesn’t necessarily mean that everything is all hunky-dory and you’ll get a standing ovation, or at the least, a pat on the shoulder in recognition of a job well done. The portion of “in essence” means that instead of hitting the nail on the head, you hammered around the nail for a few minutes and then decided that all had been done after hitting it once or twice. Dusting your hands off, metaphorically speaking, only goes so far in this case, even if you have the shit-eating grin that says you did it! I get the feeling of resigned disappointment, as though I had purposely failed in my mission.
And that makes me wonder, did I purposely fail what I had aimed for? To be honest, it is possible. With the mindset ready to go, I let all manner of distractions happen. The Sister came over and took up a chunk of my time. And then, when both she and the boy were gone for a few hours, I putzed on the couch instead of opening up my tabs and starting to get down the nitty-gritty. And you know, before that, I had been given the idea that I should write a post about it a few days prior to Friday, but put it off until the last possible minute. So, in a manner of speaking, I suppose that I did end up working hand-in-hand with my own quasi-failure, a form of self-sabotage that doesn’t come to light until after the fact. I suppose I can see where the disappointment enters into this.
So, as a form of re-task, she’s given me the demand that I should write about isfet next. (And at this point, I begin to wonder when Hetharu started taking a more personal interest in the topics I write about for the Pagan Blog Project, but that, I think, is another entry.) This is to go hand-in-hand with a future project that will take up a lot of my blogging time. I’m not to start it for a while, but she’s given me the idea that I need to write a sort of living in ma’at foundation posting that would be linked with the other forms of foundation in regards to heka and its relation to living in ma’at as well as what isfet has to do with living in ma’at. This task is time-consuming and I think something that is well beyond my scope, but she keeps poking and prodding. Yet again, I find myself stuck with that itchy, got-to-do-it feeling that came over me last week. And while the overall scope is wide and encompassing, the viewfinder is only seeing the little details that need to be fleshed out first.
Thus, at present, the order stands again. I am at the point where I have been tasked with learning all that I can about isfet. This is not a very simple task, either, because isfet can change from one person’s personal experiences/UPG/gods to the next. It is also difficult because it seems that a lot of Kemetics aren’t too thrilled to write about this topic. I think it goes hand-in-hand on my theories about writing about failure: if you don’t talk about it, then it’s not going to happen or hasn’t happened. And while I can understand the Kemetic viewpoint, especially in conjunction to the common ancient Egyptian use of sympathetic magic, it’s yet another border that we have to blow through and poke at the zinging nerve-endings until the senses are dulled to that particular pain/feeling. If we write about it, then people like me (who are curious and uncertain and scared as hell) will have a point-of-view to look back on and build yet more foundations that leads to more points-of-view that leads to yet more foundations that leads to yet more points-of-view that leads to a wild, able network that is even more interesting and far more worth it than anything else.
I wonder if that’s the ultimate goal here… but, suspecting what a goddess has in mind is not the point of this post, nor something I’m willing to do much more than a general “huh” moment here and there.
So, to recap. I was given a task by my goddess that only partially fulfilled. She remonstrated a bit and decided to give me another task, in similar vein, that I have been ordered to not dally about in so that an ultimate, super goal can be set into place. Thank the gods, I guess, for the Pagan Blog Project, which is getting all of this goal stuff into place in the first place.
That moment when you say, “Why am I doing this?” and your gods say, “Because it must be done.” (Myself quoting myself.)