I don’t talk about magic in this blog much, most especially lately. I’ve been incredibly focused on the whole fact that I need to get things laid out and properly aligned in my Kemetic background that magic has pretty much been thrown out the window right now. Another thing in addition to the fact that I feel that I need to get things ordered and workable is that whenever I sit down to read a book about magic or in relation to it, I tend to lose interest pretty quickly. I find this habit incredibly dull and boring as well as irritating and annoying. How the fuck am I supposed to learn a fucking thing if I’m so focused on laying the brick foundation and if I can’t focus heavily on what needs to be focused on? But, Hetharu isn’t pushing me right now to get more firmly rooted into a magical sense and so, I’ve let it bypass me. But, to be completely honest about it, I’m worried and afraid, which is why I believe I haven’t been able to focus so much on it lately.
You see, the reason being that I am a pretty big failure when it comes to magic.
I was taught magic haphazardly and sometimes, I think, not at all. There are all of these blogs that I read about focusing and meditating and bringing ourself into the moment prior to performing magic. And I find myself, oft-times, more than a little bit confused. The EM took over the teaching of the Sister who took over the teaching of me, but these are not concepts that either were really able to get me to focus on or understand. In fact, I think the Sister, who was closest to me and more likely to teach me such things, skipped over it because of my aversion to meditation and the like. But be that as it may, the thing is that I often find myself lost in the muddle of other people’s magic making. It hurts and annoys me that I cannot grasp the concepts that they are trying to convey, to teach, to make others aware of. Not only that, but it also gets to me that I’m so lost over something that others find such a simple concept.
But really, is magic that simple?
When they were teaching me about magic, it was a thrown into the middle kind of teaching. For the most part, I appreciate this type of teaching the best. That way, I can get my hands dirty and figure things out on my own. But sometimes, especially in the realm of magic, this can go abominably wrong. In my experience, that appears to be what happened. I threw myself out there with magic, not taking precautions and not really learning much. I didn’t focus my will or bring myself into the moment prior to casting. I think this is part of the reason why I have had such a high failure rate when it comes to magic performance. I was lucky if I got about a quarter of my early spells to work. I did what I could: wrote the spells and burned them with assistance from herbs and what little will I could send along with it. But, I think I had only a few trials that actually worked and made me feel like I had accomplished something. And because I felt like a failure in the realm of magic, I pulled myself away and out of its limelight.
No longer did I turn that way to make things happen. No longer did I turn that way to make it happen. I fell into a realm of reality that made it next-to-impossible to actually bring about an affect that I would prefer. I tried a little here and a little there; I tried to connect to things and bring about a change, but still, I brought about only miserable failure. I tried with sigil and with spell, but it seemed that I was only bringing about doubt and pain. Failure. Failure. Failure. And I’ve often mentioned that I’ve failed at magic, but let me just say that when I “failed at magic,” I horrifically fucking failed. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I lost my job after trying to keep myself safe with magic, sigil, will, totem, and talismans. And sure, I guess we could all chalk it up to the fact that I was rusty, but you know, I wanted nothing more than to keep my shitty job until I could tell them to go and stuff it. Unfortunately, everyone else (be they gods or spirits or what have you) had other options in mind and my will was negated.
This has left me completely opposed to magic. I love reading about others’ forays into the realm and sometimes, maybe, I have a few things to say on it. But, for the most part, I felt that I had been told unequivocally that I wasn’t supposed to be practicing. And then, I was ailing pretty badly along with my son. We were both suffering from bronchial chest colds at the same time and “misery” is a word that only can loosely convey how my son felt. He would cry when he would cough, saying that he didn’t want to anymore because it hurt. And I was told to turn to magic, in a way. I was told to petition the Ghede for him. I thought that this was crap; this was silly. I fought and fought but there’s only so much a mother can do while her child ails and he sobs at the pain of it. So, I turned to magic, to petition, and you know what? It worked. This left me feeling more confused than I had before.
Hadn’t I just decided that magic wasn’t for me? Hadn’t I just decided that my will wasn’t something that could be forced upon the world? Hadn’t I already decided that I wasn’t going to do this stuff anymore? Hadn’t I already figured that failure was the only thing that I could bring about? Hadn’t I already decided that things weren’t going to end up in a magical realm because reality was more important? And besides, hadn’t I just said, “fuck this shit,” in the magical sense? Yes, I had done all of those things, but wasn’t it interesting that because I wanted something so badly for my son that it fucking worked? Enter more confusion: had I not wanted to keep my job that badly? (Honestly… no.) Why would I let my will be negated by the workings of others in the area of work but not so much with my child? What was the difference? The realm of work helped me to raise my child, so weren’t they, in effect, in the same arena?
So, let’s enter into this the fact that Camylleon decided to write a post about magic. Right off the bat, I was confused by the overall theory she was trying to convey with her post. I kind of understand where she’s coming from and her thoughts behind it, but on the other hand, I find myself feeling a little lost and confused. The reason being, see above paragraph. If I could affect the change of my and my son’s awful chest cold, then why the hell couldn’t I effect the change of keeping my job when I tried way more to stay in that place? I’m sure part of it is the act of my will and the fact that my job was awful, not something to stick out, honestly. But the thing is that I needed that job. Yes, it made me into a person that I didn’t overall enjoy, but I needed that money. But, again, weren’t the vibrations I was sending out clearly reading to anyone who could help to effect my will upon the world showing that I needed this job more than anything?
Wants, maybe, don’t figure into all of this? But, that doesn’t make much sense, either. If I had a choice about whether to work or not to work, I would have chosen the stay-at-home mom route. Yes, my son drives me nuts with his four-going-on-fifteen attitude. However, I would much rather be with him than anything else. But, unfortunately, I cannot rely on TH as a bread-winner. That is, unfortunately, the roll that I play in this family. And if what I wanted didn’t matter, then the outcome was as it was. But my want was to support my family, send my son to the school of my dreams, and buy a house. And again, I come back to the fact that maybe wants and desires don’t really play a part in what the hell we actually want out of life? I don’t know. I’m hopelessly muddled with the point that Camylleon was trying to express, but also, in the point that I’m trying to make here.
Is magic really real and worth it? Is magic something that you can achieve to actually make things happen the way you want them to?
Enter in Emky writing about heka for the PBP post this week. I’ve been leery of heka even though it should run more concurrently with my Kemetic path forging. It doesn’t because of everything that I’ve whined about before this portion of the post, but also because I never understood it before. I understand magic in a western culture kind of aspect. It is something that we do to effect change, via our will, upon the world that surrounds us. But, heka is much more than that. It isn’t just an act of will that we oppose unto the universe or the divine or what have you to get things to go the way that we want them to. It is the activation of the ka, activating the soul to bring about magic. “Heka acted together with Hu, the principle of divine utterance, and Sia, the concept of divine omniscience, to create the basis of creative power both in the mortal world and the world of the gods.” (Source: Wiki.)
After having read this post, I’ve begun to wonder if I’ve been going about things in the wrong way. I haven’t put much thought behind what it is that I desire. I act instead of react to what’s going on around me. It was with deliberate thought and focus that I laid my petition at the feet of the Ghede for myself and my son, but it was with a wild sense of desperation that made me work whatever magic I could to keep my job. The petition wasn’t so much a focusing of my will or myself upon my goals, but a focus on what I would say to the Ghede in question, as well as what treats would be given should the goals achieve. It was an act of forethought, not manipulation as was the case of trying to keep my job.
And so, it is with these ideas about heka and it’s the thought of “thinking before one speaks” that I begin to wonder what magic really is… and maybe, just maybe, what my roll therein may be.
- Do Not Fear Mistakes; You Will Know Failure.
- Layers of Magic… by Camylleon.
- H Is For Heka, Egyptian Magic by emky.