Hetharu came into my life with an express purpose. She knew what she was coming for and the second I caught a glimpse, I knew as well. I went running in the other direction, my head faced behind me to make sure she wasn’t following. (I’m sure there was much tripping where she nearly caught up to me each time I fell ass-over-tea-kettle in that metaphysical sense.) I could run and run, but Sekhmet said I was being stupid and with those words in my head, I stopped running and let her catch up to me. So, then, I fought this connection harder than I have fought against anything in my life. Her purpose was to remind me that I have womanly parts that crave attention just as much as my ego does. She was coming forward to remind me that half a dozen sex attempts in a seasonal period wasn’t enough, would never be enough, and that I was being retarded. There’s a reason she likes it when I call her ‘The Lady of the Vulva.’ That was her purpose and my, oh my, how things have changed…
I knew the second she stepped forward at the prodding of Sekhmet why she was coming. Sekhmet is all about healing, no matter if it is psychological, emotional, or physical. Though she has a dark side and though she can be particularly blunt when she feels that you are ignoring things, she wants to make things better. And it was via Hetharu that she could make this happen. So, Hetharu came into my life and I went through the motions. I bought her a statue. I bought her a place to live that wasn’t beside her sister-self* (though, they live together now, just fine, on my combined altar space). I let her into my life in tiny increments that did absolutely nothing for the overall purpose: fixing what was once broken and has since been re-broken, as well as ignored and dismissed. Sekhmet was proud that I was finally stepping up and letting Hetharu in.
But, you know, just because I say I’m going to do something doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll actually be doing it.
So, I bought all of these things and I gave her breakfast every morning and I did nothing to work with her. I was doing smaller things to forge a better connection with my Main Gal, but I pretty much ignored the fact that Hetharu had work for me, too. Due to this, she fell to the wayside and because of this, so too did Sekhmet. The two of them had plans for me and I wasn’t interested. Sure, I wanted to fix and heal (as evidenced by bouts of sobbing tears to TH post-coital in which I beg him to keep loving me even though I am “broken”), but it was too much and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not, truth be told. So, since I was so busy ignoring and because work was a bitch, I spent about six months last year ignoring everything spiritually-speaking and went through a fairly deep Fallow Time. (Sometimes, I find it ironic that spirituality came back into my life about a month prior to my getting fired.) That particular Fallow Time was a lesson for me: ignoring the gods and what they desire can mean that they’ll stop working with you, no matter how much you protest.
Since then, things have been different. The Lady of the Vulva and the Lady of the Flame have both come back to me. They both live prominently in my home (it’s the first thing you see when you come into my home, actually: Legba, Hetharu, and Sekhmet all together). The thing is that, Hetharu has since seen that forcing the issue is not the way to go with me. Though Sekhmet is more willing to do this in regards to other things, she also has a way with me that Hetharu does not. Though I was working on building some form of relationship with her sister-self, I wasn’t working as hard as I have with Sekhmet or as willing, either. And even though Sekhmet can be pushy about things when she wants things done in such-and-such a way, the same cannot be done for me via Hetharu. My relationship isn’t as strong and I’m not as willing to walk down that gnarled path. She’s realized this and changed tactics.
The ultimate goal is to fix me. The ultimate goal is relish my sexuality and to live with it. The ultimate goal has always been the same, but the tactics are different. Instead of facing things head-on as they both desire, they’re going a back route. It’s an interesting dance that they’re both taking part in and I enjoy the fact that I no longer approach Hetharu with clear-cut dread as I once did. This has left my UPG of her and the practice I’ve been working with her in a constant topsy-turvy state. This is actually a good thing because it keeps me on my toes.
Whilst once, I only saw her as a sexual being. I saw her as a divine whore who relished in all things the body can arise within us. I saw her as a golden being of infinite light with the ability to bring orgasm with the mere thought. But, as she has changed tactics, so have my views on her. I no longer see her as a divine whore, lover of the bodily sensations that only lovers can give unto you. I’m finally seeing her in all of her aspects: a lady of magic, a lady of childbirth, a lady of motherhood, and a lady of sexual love. And while this last epithet still leaves me shaken and uncertain, worried and forelorn, it is the rest that I must begin to focus on. I am a mother. I am researching magic. Yes, I am a broken sexual being who needs to get off her ass and finally get to the point where an orgasm doesn’t bring tears of pain, I cannot look there yet.
I’m just not ready.
So, with Hetharu walking beside me, I turn away from the painful bits. I walk beside her and feel her hand upon my shoulder as I pull out my Tarot cards for glimpses of futures unknown. I feel her gentle tugging upon my hand as I open up books and websites based on hearthcraft. I feel her laughter when I discover something new and interesting about myself that pertains to motherhood, home, and magic. Hetharu, to me, is no longer a simple aspect of sex and sensuality. She is a multifaceted woman, just as I am and just as any other woman who may read this is. She is many things and I walk beside her on this ever-changing, mystically bewildered spiritual turnpike.
* Sister-self is my interpretation of syncretism that exists in the ancient Egyptian pantheon.