I seem to have a thing for three types of OTHERS™: liminal, destructive, and dead. Okay. Maybe it isn’t really a thing that I have, per se, more like a sign post or a neon flashing sign that I can’t see on top of my brain pan. In any case, it seems to be something that I have inside of me that brings these types of OTHERS™ to my attention. I’ve always had a thing for dead things (being a pseudo-Goth in high school will do that, I suppose). I’ve mentioned the destructive aspect of my personality in conjunction with destroyer goddesses. And then I have this gateway/crossroads thing that brings forth all manner of liminal OTHERS™ into my range of study.
Ganesha was my real and true first, though.
As I’ve said repeatedly (ad nauseum), I wanted to get down with a god. I’m not sure what made me choose Ganesha. I suppose the whole liminal deity thing had something to do with it, although I don’t think that was a conscious something. I’ve always enjoyed his imagery, though. I don’t know if it’s the elephant’s head, the raised foot, the multiple arms, the color blue or anything else that I can’t think of when I think of his imagery. It’s just one of those things, I guess.
You know, even as a kid, I was kind of pulled to look at his stuff. Hell, to be honest, even as a kid I liked looking at the Hindu deities. In that case, I’m almost positive that it was because they had so many arms and they were blue colored. Plus, let’s face it: I must have been an idolater from the get go. Getting statues in the shapes of my goddesses is pretty important to me (I like to be able to see and feel who I’m praying to).
So, as everyone else was partying down with the gods they had chosen, I was trying to forge some kind of connection with Ganesha.
I think the very first mistake I made was not learning more clearly and concisely about him. I’ve studied Sekhmet and her imagery for years before I ended up in her care. In the case of Ganesha, I just started doing Google searches, which is how I began with Sekhmet but instead of doing the research on a years-long basis, I did it in a matter of days to a month. I didn’t take the time to learn everything I could about him. I didn’t learn his mythos; I didn’t learn what he is like; I didn’t learn what specific things he’s into for offerings; I didn’t really learn much of anything about him that’s not related to skimming his Wiki page. So, really, there was my first major downfall and my first smack in the face with my hubris: I thought I could get a little bit of knowledge in and then learn it as I went.
I think I felt that I knew it all because I had read a single Wiki page and stared at his imagery for hours. I think I felt that I was king of kings here because everyone else was doing it, so why couldn’t I? And in all honesty, when it comes to my ego, the thing is fucking huge-ginormous. And by that, I mean that it could probably kill a small child just by looking at it with its terrible powerful intent and self-entitlement issues.
The real problem here wasn’t just that I didn’t study. It was just simply feeling very lonely. There’s that song or something, “looking for love in all the wrong places.” That was the actual mistake here. I wanted to be close to something bigger than myself and instead of taking the time, being patient, I threw myself into a direction that was wrong. In all honesty, I think this is a common issue when most people start down a pagan path. The new people read about patrons (as I had) and want to have that type of special connection without taking the time to get there. That was my problem here: I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it, too.
My second mistake was a major pitfall to all that is me: impatience. I have a really nasty habit where the whole waiting thing doesn’t get done as long as it should. If I don’t find myself with immediate results, then I get pissed the fuck off and just want to destroy Lego buildings while screeching my rage. I’m good at hiding the impatience, but it’s the feelings of wanting to rage around that I have a hard time keeping to myself. I tend to spout out at people without thinking when I get like that and breaking things because of how angst-ridden I am at the moment. This is, actually, how I’ve managed to lose both friends as well as items of mine. I’ve been so busy on feeling the anger of my impatience that I react instead of act.
So, while the Sister and the EM were bonding, I was getting pissed the fuck off. It didn’t seem particularly fair, to me, that they were making headway. (Well, the Sister was making headway. Who in the world knows what the EM was actually doing…) The Sister’s headway was mostly due to meditation, which I’ve never been good at it and I’ve pretty much decided that I never will be. I tried to concentrate and I tried to reach out and all I was getting was a nice little pat on the head. Or, just completely ignored. And it just WASN’T FAIR.
And that’s another mistake right there.
IT WASN’T FAIR.
You see, a big problem (the biggest?) is that I always tend to compare what I’m doing and what I’m good at it or what I suck at it in comparison to what other people are good at or doing or suck at. I think this is actually part of the human condition; we’re all about seeing what other people are up to and wanting to do that, too, even if we’re not able to for whatever reason. One of my friends recently mentioned to me that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” And this is very true of just about everybody I have ever conversed with in my life. “Things must be great over there because they’re doing this” or “that must be awesome because it’s making them happy.” But, just because the grass looks like it is green over there doesn’t mean that it is. All it means is that our rose-colored glasses (or perhaps, it should be green-colored glasses) are glued firmly on our nose and that the grass could, quite possibly, be deader than dead and we wouldn’t know it because it just looks so much fucking better than what we’ve got.
So, with that all not consciously in my brain, I decided that I had enough of Ganesha ignoring me.
I wanted to be able to communicate with him and I wanted to be able to invoke him into myself because I wanted to show that I could do that, too. So. I decided it was in my best interest to get his attention in any way possible. And of course, since I was also feeling that whole raging thing because of my impatience, the best way was not the best way at all. I decided insulting his manhood and generally teasing him was my only option available. Okay, hold on. Let me clarify something quickly here: I didn’t decide it in the way that I consciously thought that was a good idea. It was just something that my brain decided to do because I was an impatient twit.
And the lesson learned?
Insults will definitely get a reaction.
What I had wanted at that particular moment was to prove to everyone that I could invoke a god and get somewhere with said god. And all I managed to do was enrage said god to do what I wanted, sort of. Without planning or forethought or even really preparing for it, he came right on down and took right the fuck over.
I can quasi-remember it. I was on the phone with the EM and the Sister. We were celebrating something or other with one of our patented telephone circles. I was sitting on the carpet in front of a candle and I was raging, silently, at Ganesha to get his attention. And then, the next moment, I wasn’t anywhere whatsoever and something else had a hold of me and was saying rather mean things. The words he spoke in my stead were the absolute fucking truth about what would happen in the next few months, but it was harshly done and I didn’t really know what was going on at the time. I was around, but not really. It’s only been after the fact that I’ve been able to piece all of it together and I have never remembered what was said: only the anger and irritation that was left like a viscous mucous at the back of my throat when he released me.
I had pissed off a god.
The experience left me very shaken. I had never remotely tried to approach a god prior to this and I have never once tried to approach a god for invocation again because of this. Yes, I went about it the wrong way, but the experience was enough to teach me that I needed to be utterly careful. Let’s say that it has left me with a healthy dose of fear at the prospect of letting another god come right on in and take over, even if the circumstances are/were far more favorable.
The thing is that I royally fucked up. I knew that the moment after it happened. I knew that I was damned lucky and that I was getting off light.
I’ve been told that my best bet, at this point, is to ask for forgiveness. Honestly, this concept never came to mind. I guess I never really think of the gods as people and if I had done this to a person, then I probably would have said I’m sorry (at some point). However, when it comes to the gods, seeking some reparation seems like an oddity to me. Wouldn’t he just know that I’m sorry? Probably not because why would he? I haven’t made a single mention of him, except in passing, and in this entry. So, he would have no reason to check in with me and see that I’m really apologetic for my massive fuck up. So, an apology, apparently, is what I need to do.
That’s the lesson, though. The lesson isn’t just that what I did was a mistake and that I should never EVER approach a god like that again. The lesson, really, is that they’re people, too, and their feelings can be hurt by insensitive newbies who just want attention. So, an apology is necessary. When I finally am able to get that off the ground, I hope he accepts.