To me, it’s difficult to keep so many different aspects of my belief and then conform them together into something functional. Part of the reason, I’ve found it so damn hard is because I was scared to branch out from what I found conventional and easy. It was scary, to be honest. I didn’t want to have to go out and start carving things out of the bedrock all on my own. It seemed like an awful lot of hard work for, what I thought, was very little gain. However, as time has passed by and as I have given all of the historical information that I could about the Duat in that PBP posting, I’ve come to discover that I have to get over those fears. I have to get passed the worries of creating something, all on my own, and just fucking do it.
This is something that occurs to me after reading most of what Kiya has posted in her blog. To be perfectly honest, after reading the stuff she posts about what she wants and what she’s expecting and what she does in honor of her religion, I tend to feel like I’m living a half-life on this path. It’s like, I’ve gotten so far and then I have given up the rest of the way. I know this isn’t true; prior to this, I haven’t been ready to do much more than just talk about it. But, it’s the fact that I’ve been talking about it for so long that has left me with the feeling that I need to do more. And then, after reading Kiya’s recent post this morning, I stumbled upon Bridget Jorden talking about crafting and carving out practices via a heathen’s perspective. (Do I capitalize ‘heathen’ or what? Any advice on that would be greatly appreciated.) And this is really made me realize that talk and chatter and thoughts are well and fine and dandy, but they don’t do much more than to leave me going, “Well. One day…”
For a long time, I thought that the reason I kept putting off the creation of a path was because I wanted to start off with the calendar. I wanted holidays that I could celebrate and do large things for. But, the thing is that the Kemetic calendar involves a lot of complications because it’s lunar based and because there’s math involved. (MATH?!?! UGH! I figured I’d never need it after high school.) So, then I felt that maybe I could relay it in a way that would fit to the standardized Julian calendar we use today, but no dice. It doesn’t mesh well for me and it makes me angry and irritable. And then, I thought why bother? I figured I could go with the standard Wheel of the Year and be happy, but it’s not right. And while this has caused me to flounder and Kermit-arm-flail (thank you, Veggie Wolf for that one!), I’ve come to the conclusion that I was putting it all off. It was fear and it was confusion and it was uncertainty. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing and I was letting the little things get in my way.
Don’t worry; I’ll be talking about the calendar thing in more depth later. Now, it’s time to craft and to learn and to figure it all out. While festivals and holidays are big parts of a pagan lifestyle and a big part of the world that we, as pagans, live in… it’s just not everything. It’s only a part. The point in living this faith is the fact that we have it and hold it and morph it and live it.
After all of that calendar hullabaloo, I thought that maybe I should begin with the facts. I was looking for something solid, but something that I could build on. I decided that I would go with a more reconstructionist background on what I wanted. It’s at this point with all of the reading and theorizing and learning that I realized that I could read every damn book about ancient Egypt or about voodoo that comes my way. I could read everything on the Internet that’s thrown my way, but I was taking too much in and nothing was really sticking. It all seemed so neat and interesting, but it wasn’t giving me the information that I required or wanted. It was just something that was going in via my eyes and getting stuck at the back of my brain. This is when I realized that crafting and creating is where it’s at. This is when I realized that it’s time to kick my ass and to stop fucking around… because that’s all I was doing: fucking around.
So, where does this leave me? Besides, confused and uncertain.
I want a practice that I can be proud of. I want a practice that speaks to me. I want something that I can teach my son with ease and fluidity. I want a practice that works for me. I want something that will allow me to be spiritual everyday but also be a mommy, wife, and uncertain. I want a practice that I understand. I want a practice that will leave me time for spirits and gods and the Deadz. I want a practice that resonates with my soul and makes me feel complete. I want a practice that incorporates the Wheel of the Year but has other major holidays in it. I want a practice that means I can connect on a basic level with other pagans, hopefully in my area. I want a practice that doesn’t have to be strong in ritual, but can if the need arises. I want a practice that makes me feel fulfilled.
These are the things that I want and that I crave. These are the things that I searched for with Christianity in various incarnations and found lacking. These are the things that I’ve thought about and puzzled about. The thing is… where do I start? How do I begin?
- D Is For Duat.
- Paganism: Food for Thought by Bridget Jorden.
- Offering to the Akhu by Kiya.
- Know Your Mortar by Kiya.