I tend to like to gnaw on things just like a dog with a bone. In other words, I’m pretty much that kind of person who doesn’t let anything go. I can hold a grudge for days, weeks, months, and years after the fact. So, just because I stop talking about it doesn’t mean that it’s not going to come up again at some later date and time. So, when I said that I wanted to get to the route of the porcupine issues, I really meant it. Whether I mention it or not, it’s still somewhere in my head. What’s really helped has been the ever-lovely, Devo, making the occasional comment with possible ideas about just what the whole big thing meant. (And it’s because of her that I’m writing this post, but more in a bit.)
I had seriously thought that I should probably get into the whole dog aspect of the dream, as well. I was more focused on the porcupines because I don’t really dream about animals that often. However, I have been known to dream about dogs (being a dog owner and all) on occasion, so it didn’t seem like such a pressing issue. However, after trying to write a blog entry similar to the porcupine entry, I ended up getting stuck. I couldn’t think of a logical explanation or correlation for the dogs in my dreams. It was like they were background or filler: they were there, but they didn’t have the same prominence as the porcupines. So, after a few futile attempts at figuring out what the dogs’ part in the whole thing was, I decided that I couldn’t end up in that direction. It didn’t feel right.
And then, Miss Devo made a very interesting (and seemingly insightful) comment: “Side thought, maybe your porcupines relate to creativity somehow? Or your writing?” This made my brain freeze in mid-action. I couldn’t believe that this was a possibility or that I hadn’t thought of it. Wasn’t it odd that right after the porcupines show up that I am suddenly more obsessed with writing than I have been in a long time? Wasn’t it just a little fortuitous that on the heels of this dream, I started exploring a new relationship with a writing-related deity as well as purchasing items that reflect creativity (such as my lovely smelling candle)? She further made my brain burst with this by saying, “I just see a lot of creativity popping up in your posts, lately. It seems your Ladies want you to move forward in that area. For all you know, the dogs could be guides for you. The wpwt’s in AE were guides for liminal pursuits. So maybe the dogs are guiding you to the porcupines. To your creativity.”
Wouldn’t it make sense that this is all that the dream was trying to tell me? And wouldn’t it be FUCKING AWESOME that I have a one-stop guide to dream interpretation in the form of an online friend? Abso-fucking-lootely. But, seriously, let’s step back and analyze this. Just because it feels interesting and new and intriguing doesn’t necessarily make it true. Besides, I have to break things down and apart before I’ll accept things (rational minds ROCK). And even though I really like the idea of having a one-stop guide to dream interpretation, I still have to back the idea up with my own belief.
My initial gut reaction had to do with the porcupines representing aspects of myself that I use to protect myself so that others can’t hurt me. It left me seriously wondering about my basically acerbic personality traits. I come off as cold and analytical more often than not. When you get to know me, and I let you in, then those traits tend to fall to the wayside. However, in the mean time, they’re there to keep me safe. I’m way too cautious for someone of my age bracket. Too many times I’ve been hurt, though, and I’ve learned that picking myself back up after the fact is difficult and painful. It’s something that I’d rather not have to deal with. And it was this aspect that really resonated with me. As I said in my post about what I was thinking/learning about porcupines, there was something about this particular thought process that came around like a smack to the face and said, PAY ATTENTION HERE.
In relation to Devo’s thoughts on it, this actually works.
My dream has always been to become a professional writer. My big fantasies about it are that I’m as famous as they come. I’m not talking about J.K. Rowling or the Twilight lady, but I’m thinking a comfortable income that I can rely on. I’m thinking something that works out for me. And this has been something that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I would write stories (horror) when I was in middle school. They were so bad and awful but they were something that I was proud of because it was something that I had created with my two hands and my functional brain. In high school, I have short stories and novellas and poems galore. And every time I banged something out, I thought it was one step closer to my ultimate goal of being a writer.
The thing is that I’m incredibly down on myself and very uncertain about all of this. I write and I write, but no one ever really sees it. Whenever I post things for friends to view, I’m always so nervous about what they’re going to say or think. I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback about most of the things I’ve put out there, but I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe they’re filling me up with lines that I want to hear. Maybe these people know me so well and know how much I don’t want to be rejected that they’ll tell me whatever it is that I want to hear.
And that’s the thing: rejection.
I’ve read other major writers going on about how rejection is part and parcel to the writing process. Once you have something that’s ready to be sent out there, who knows how many publishers will say ‘thanks, but no thanks’ before someone actually puts it into print? And that’s the problem that I think I have here. I think that the nature of the porcupines—the prickliness that I felt had to do with me in my protecting of myself—was me trying to protect myself from rejection. All I have to do is get rid of some chop in my novel, write out a quick concordance, and start banging it around until someone finally gives me a chance. And I don’t know if I can handle that: the fact that I won’t be picked up right away. So, in an effort to keep myself from feeling like a big fat failure (more than I already do, that is), I keep my shields up and go on about how “it’s not ready yet” because I don’t want to feel the pain.
As Devo also mentioned in the comment, the dogs were trying to push me forward. I thought that they were trying to protect me, but that never really felt right. They were behind me for the dream and it was only in passing that I happened to see them. (As it was, the one that was injured by the porcupine was only seen as a fading after image or mirage type thing. It was more like someone trying to picture what might have happened than an actual scene in the dream.) So, if they were liminal deities, my not seeing them would make sense. They wouldn’t want to infect me with what they had planned for me. It was my job to push past and get by the porcupines in the first place; they were only there to get me to that point.
One thing that still gets me is the injured dog… was it my prickly, save-myself-from-hurt nature that caused him to be killed/injured or was it something else? And again, why were they gold and black? What’s so important about the gold and black? I feel that the importance is there because it was a repeated metaphor. The colors remind me of ancient Egypt (gold being like dust there and KMT meaning the black land), but is that all there is? It’s possible that I’m just reading too much into the dualism, but I don’t think so. I think it has a place here; it’s just a matter of discovering that place.
All in all, I think the possibility of this all leading toward a re-emerging of my creative half is more than likely. There are still some unanswered questions, obviously, but the gist, I feel, has at last been found.