How many of you have had a god or spirit give you the send off? I’m sure some of you will know what I’m talking about the moment after having read that question. It’s that moment when you approach an OTHER™ with the intention of paying them homage or merely asking for their assistance and they give you the exact opposite response that you had in mind. Sometimes, it can be polite disinterest such as when I approached Ma’at and she just gave me a quirky smile and a line about how “cute” I was being. It can be a “look” or a “feeling” that says, “Yeah, this isn’t what you want or need. Thanks anyway!” Or, it can be a brutal rebuff that takes your breath away.
In my last post, I was commenting back and forth with Bastemhet about how I should open up communications with Seshat prior to writing. She recommended this goddess after having approached her in aiding her in various arenas and getting a good result. I had admitted, in that conversation, that I had sought out both Djehuti and Seshat on previous occasions during excessive muse blockage moments and had received nothing in return from either of them. She still recommended that I go in that direction and I mentioned that I was a little worried that I would get a rude send off from the god(s) in question whenever I approach them. This pretty much popped in as an epiphany moment for me, thus this post.
I’ve been rebuked before by a god for approaching them, which is where my fear of being angrily sent off without anything more than discouragement comes from. Albeit the situation in question was due to my stupidity and naïveté at the time, it has still left me with more than just some healthy respect, but also a large dollop of fear and uncertainty. (That moment in time is written about in a future Pagan Blog Project post, so nothing other than a brief mention is merited here.) It’s also left me wondering how often this has happened to other pagans and no one has said anything to one another due to fear, embarrassment, or a combination thereof. So, if you’ve had this happen to you and you don’t mind telling me about it, go right ahead!
You see, the thing is that I’m so uncertain in what I do, even if I talk a good game and make it sound like I know what I’m going to do, that approaching new gods has left me with so very much fear in me. This is part and parcel to why I freaked out so much when Hetharu came to join my household: I was quite content with devoting my entire being to Sekhmet and no one else. When she came in, I was so sure that she wouldn’t like me or that I’d fuck it all up somehow (and didn’t I?). Hell, in fact, it is because of this fear that I tend to get bitchy and snarky whenever any OTHER™ has decided to drop on by: Legba, Ghede, Freda. And all OTHERS™ who have stopped by or decided to join my household have left me with the bitter taste of fear in the back of my throat, the nervous thoughts that I will offend them or do something wrong. There have been days where I’ve been so worried about offending the OTHER™ in question that I don’t give them an offering.
Case in point: I was doing a grand spiel in giving Papa Legba coffee on a daily basis. I was getting used to this new thing. But, every time I went to give him his coffee, I would bite my lip and watch as my hands shook as I set it down on his half of the table. I’ve felt similarly with offerings I’ve left for Ghede, Hetharu, as well as Sekhmet. And it’s not just the fear that they won’t like what I’m doing or what I say, or get angry with me because I’m doing something incorrectly or I’m relying too heavily on UPG or that I got them the wrong thing, but just fear in general. A fear that they will smite me for fucking it all up.
This probably sounds really heavy and maybe even dumb to some people who are reading this, but it’s feeling. They’re inconsequential to anyone except for those who feel them. And these fears are huge-ginormous and all-encompassing.
You see, the thing is that I’ve really let all of this uncertainty and fear cloud my vision in all different ways. It’s a constant thing in my mundane life and now, because of stupidity as a newbie, I’m letting it cloud my vision in my spiritual practice as well. I realize this and I understand this—the conscious thoughts of this are there. However, it’s a matter of figuring out how to bypass this basic circuitry of mine and move forward. Of course, the only way to actually do that would have to be, you know, actually opening myself up to connection with new gods and goddesses and spirits. The only way to move past what I know is blocking me and to just do it.
Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done.
In the mean time, I’m opening myself up to communicating with Seshat. Actually, in prior to writing this blog post, I asked her to aid me in getting it all out there. So far, I have to say, the results have been good. Now, it’s just a matter of not only asking her to help me with my blog and the posts that just want to pour right the fuck on out, but also in the arena of my creative life. Here’s to hoping that my fear and uncertainty don’t cloud me too much.