I’m pretty sure that mistakes are rife in anyone’s life, whether it’s of a pagan life or a mundane life. Mistakes are the lessons we use to learn about who we are, what we want, and what our futures may or may not hold. I’ve thought a lot about this entry and I’ve decided that it’s time to get it all out. It’s time to talk about my biggest error to date. (My second will be found in a later G-post.) This error was a big turning point in my life. I’ve mentioned it in passing and in not-so-great detail before. But it’s time now to get it out and to spew forth every little bit about it. It’s time. And of course, my biggest mistake in my pagan life to date is entirely based around Sekhmet.
When I was searching for a deep connection with a deity, my frustration with a lack of a cohesive bond with anyone was directly related to my jealousy. As I’ve said before, I was intensely jealous of the fact that the Sister was able to commune with Krishna without much of an issue. Of course, considering her obsession with Aphrodite later on in life, the connection she held there isn’t really all that surprising. It seems that love deities, in any aspect and from any pantheon, have a thing for her. I just wanted to feel that close with anybody who wasn’t just something I was making up in my head. I had always wanted a connection with God and when that failed, I moved on. I moved into a realm that was more comfortable to me. But, it became harder and harder to refrain myself from forcing things when it seemed that there wasn’t a single fucking god or goddess out there that wanted my attention.
The thing is, there was always a goddess who wanted my attention.
Sekhmet, to me, is a deity that has been with me for a long time. I’ve mentioned before that I often feel that she was there when Khnum was spinning the wheel and creating aspects of myself. It’s almost as though I can see her standing at his shoulder and explaining to him what is to go where. I’ve often felt like the relationship I have with her is akin to mother-daughter. It’s as though she bore me and then made me human. This is a feeling that I have a hard time explaining to myself, much less to anyone else. I feel like I’m doing a mush job here. All I know is that I’ve rarely heard anyone speak of their deities like this (aside from Morag Spinner, that is). Anyway. I’m moving into a realm that I’m not quite ready to talk about because, you know, I get side tracked. Mistakes!
In 2009, I started thinking about destructive goddesses. The thing is that I’ve always had a thing for Sekhmet, which has segued into a deep fascination (and healthy fear of) Kali Ma. Since the EM and the Sister were both venturing towards Hindu related deities, I felt that I should follow likewise. I guess one could say that all of my time in high school trying not to turn into a sheep like all the other kids used up my quotient for individuality. And sometimes, you know, following is just that much easier. However, I was counseled loudly and angrily and volubly and subtly and obviously against this course of action.
You’re already a destroyer, Sat. You’ll be making it that much worse by going down that road, they said. And at the time, this seemed like it was probably a pretty important bit of advice. I was living in a really shoddy arrangement and I was constantly feeling like I was about two inches tall because of various comments and looks at the time. I was bottling up a lot of my anger, rage, and frustration during this period and it seemed to all of us that if I started worshiping Kali, then I was asking for a destruction of my relationship with TH and the living situation that we were forced to muck through. The advice seemed valid.
Now, I don’t think it makes much fucking sense at all.
I’ve always had a destroyer aspect to my personality. If I want to burn my bridges, then I don’t need any fucking kerosene. All I have to do is open my mouth and start talking without thinking. It was this aspect that I was doing my best, at the time, to completely wrap up and hide. I didn’t want to destroy a decent (although crowded and unhappy) living situation because of how I can naturally firebomb shit. It was this aspect of my personality, and the realizing that it existed (prior to this, I just thought I was a fucking moron who couldn’t keep her mouth shut), made me yearn more for the destroyer goddesses, specifically in the forms of Sekhmet and Kali. However, with both of my ‘friends’ telling me that it wasn’t a good idea, I tried to go down a different route.
However, I kept coming back to my being a destroyer. It just wouldn’t get out of my head.
Times changed and so did the gods. Things fell apart between the EM and the Sister, drastically. I’m not sure when I gave up on Kali. I think it was after a particular session where the EM claims to have channeled her. (I doubt it. Highly.) I just remember that it quickly became apparent to me that while I was half in love with Kali and everything she stood for, and had been since I was in middle school and had first read The Last Vampire series by Christopher Pike, I was pretty much worried that in so courting her that I was asking for trouble. That I was asking for disaster. She’s a goddess that should be wearily approached, in my opinion. I’ve never heard from her or spoken with her, but I gather that she’s formidable in her own right. I don’t doubt it. And I’ve since given her a wide berth. It seemed important to drop that aspect, that desire, of wanting her love and affection and attention at the time.
Sometimes, I wonder if I had started to court her if she would have even given me the time of day…
I’m not really sure when I began to get pings or thwaps on a regular basis from Sekhmet. I know that it was 2009. I remember sitting one night with the Sister and getting piss ass drunk (we were celebrating a Sabbat). I remember telling her that I kept feeling that Sekhmet was the way to go. I remember saying something about how it felt like she was always trying to get my attention and that since I had discovered my latent destructive capabilities, it seemed that the attention-wanting was getting louder and louder. And still, she reminded me, You’re a destroyer. You’ll destroy everything you have around here if you give into that. You can’t do it. You shouldn’t do it. Wait until you’re out of here and you’ll have less destruction wrought. Just wait.
And I listened some more.
Again, at the time (being drunk and all), the advice seemed valid. And again, now, years later, I realize that the advice was bunk.
I honestly have to wonder why my ‘friends’ gave me the advice they gave. Sometimes, I wonder if they were being influenced by outside sources, OTHERS™ that I have no knowledge of. Sometimes, I think that maybe they really were looking out for [what they thought were] my best interests at the time. And sometimes, I wonder if they were purposely trying to sabotage my path. (In the case of EM… probable.) All I know is that in listening to them I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I turned my back on Sekhmet.
During that period in time, I was the most depressed that I have ever been. That includes being a teenager and obsessed with myself. That includes being married to a selfish, neurotic, manipulative ex-husband. It was during that time in 2009 that I just couldn’t stand anything that had to do with me. I couldn’t stand myself the most, and everything else that was around me. It seemed like everything was a big fat failure. It was during that time that my spells did nothing but flop. It was like I was being punished for ignoring Sekhmet. And you know, I honestly think that might just be the case. I honestly think that she was so upset with me for not listening to my gut instincts—the very ones that were saying: SHE IS THE ONE DAMNIT! LISTEN!!!!—that she made things that much harder for me. I had already know things would suck monkey balls when I had moved up here and moved in with my in-laws, but it was so. much. worse when I turned my back on Sekhmet.
I’ve never asked her if that’s the case; if she made things miserable on purpose. I think I already know the answer.
I learned my lesson from all of that.
Sekhmet is the goddess that wanted me. Everyone and everything else that has entered my life, all of my OTHERS™ are incidental. That includes any further relationships with Kemetic deities. Any future relationships with Hindu, Greek, Celtic deities. That includes spirits and Lwa. Everyone else in my life is merely an aspect of the budding relationship I was granted with Sekhmet. She is my goddess; she is my only goddess. She is always the most important and the loudest.
I love my goddess. I love that I finally found her. I love that she agreed that I had atoned for not listening to myself like I should have. I love the fact that I believe she is my spiritual mother. I love the fact that she is in my life. I love everything about her and everything that I don’t know about her. I love her eternally, unconditionally, and completely. So, whenever someone suggests that my lack of hearing is because she’s moved on, I can laugh. I know about moving on. I know about not hearing her. I know all about that stuff and you know what? That’s just not true.
This is one goddess who will always walk beside me.
And I learned that lesson hard, painfully, but completely.