Pagan Blog Project: C Is For Connection.

I’ve always had an exceedingly difficult time in connecting with my OTHERS™. This is a rambling, meandering history of my constantly trying to form a connection.

When I first started into the gods part of this path, I didn’t know how to read all of the little messages I was getting. I didn’t know to look at all of the little coincidences that had been happening over the years and put them together. Since I didn’t know that this was Sekhmet trying to establish a connection with me, these moments went ignored. And though it seemed obvious that ancient Egypt should be where I began searching for gods, I instead began exploring in the realm of Hinduism as both Kali and Ganesha had always intrigued me. Silly, naïve me thought that was all that was required to begin a connection.

But interest on our end isn’t what is needed to establish a connection. That was my hubris speaking. And it continued to speak when Ganesha refused to pay attention.

You see, I was supremely jealous that everyone else seemed to be exploring relationships and connections with deities while I was being left in the proverbial dust. The Sister was exploring love in its various forms with– Shit. Krishna? I think it was Krishna. I can remember watching her rise from a meditation with a huge, doofy smile on her face as she began to tell me all about her time with Krishna. I’m good at stifling jealous and snide comments that arise from said jealousy (being a misanthropic teen who is scared of being beaten up will do that to you). So, I don’t think she ever realized that I desperately wanted what it was that she seemed to be getting.

And then, the EM was the one who was starting us into this whole direction in the first place. She was “teaching” us as she had been “teaching” us from the start of our little “coven.” She always seemed to have some relationship with a deity of some sort, whether it was a new one or otherwise. She seemed able to communicate with them on a level that I couldn’t possibly understand and invocation was a popular form of connection for her*. I think it was that connection, most of all, that really got to me. I wanted to be able to connection with a deity on that level. I wanted to be able to say, “Hey. Look what I can do.” I didn’t realize that what I was thinking wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t know that what I was about to do was wrong.

(* It was recently mentioned to me by someone who has never me the EM that it was quite possible that she was faking it. I’m surprised this didn’t occur to me.)

What I should have learned from Ganesha’s polite pat on the head (repeatedly) was that he wasn’t for me. I should have learned that perhaps Hindu deities wasn’t where it was at. What I should have done was start to listen to my gut, which had been talking to me for quite a while. What I should have done wasn’t what I ended up doing. I desperately wanted to be able to talk to a deity on a level that I couldn’t even put into words. I wanted to connect and the only possible option that I saw in front of me was possible invocation. And I was goading. I was harassing. What I did and said to Ganesha was not in my best interest and I think I got off light.

I really pissed him off.

I won’t get into exactly what I did. I’ll only say that I was wrong and that I can only hope that when I try to make my reparation that Ganesha will accept it. In the mean time, I can safely say that I learned a lesson in all of this: Just because I wanted a connection with a god didn’t mean that I was going to get it.

After that, I began to pay a little more attention to the various coincidences that had been happening in regards to Sekhmet. It seemed that various online searches would almost always lead me back to her. I would be researching something completely remote and end up Wiki-clicking to her page. Or, I would do a Google search for something and a page of hers would pop up. I would spend hours looking at her images and reading little bits of things that had her name associated. My lesson with Ganesha was still fresh: a connection I may have been looking for and even possibly, all of the coincidences were the start of that, but I was still scared. I was worried.

Obviously, times changed and I accepted that a connection with her was what had always been intended. However, I still find it exceedingly difficult to connect with her, and all of my OTHERS™ in fact. I don’t know if a lot of people feel the same, although I’m led to believe that they do not. However, I’ve always felt that my connection with my OTHERS™ was tenuous, remote, and difficult to maintain. Sometimes, I think that this is due to the fact that I cannot ground and center as people are taught. Other times, I believe that it has to do with the fact that I cannot meditate for crap. And still others, I can’t help but wonder if my shaking connections with my gods has to do with being thrown down this road without preparation and even proper training/teaching. And yet other times, I can’t help but hear the doubt that says, “This. Isn’t. Real.”

As a form of connecting with my gods, for a while, I wore crystal pendants that represented them. I wore a tiger’s eye pendant for Sekhmet and a clear quartz pendant for Hetharu. When things were difficult at work or in the car or wherever, I could reach into my shirt and pluck at the pendants. I used them as a form of communication beacon, I guess, to get a direct message to my gods. I charmed the shit out of those pendants, too. They became a form of protection as well as a symbol for the gods that held my mind and my heart. (Who controls which? That’s the question, eh?) The crystals fell off this past summer and I haven’t had anything in my possession to replace them. For a while I wore a carnelian rose for Sekhmet, but this too fell off. It became apparent that pendants wasn’t where it was at. (I’ve also come to believe that the loss of my symbols of faith, coupled with the charms I had placed on said pendants was the malicious work of Kalfou, but that’s a different tale.)

As time has passed, I still feel the connection with my OTHERS™ is distant. Oft-times, I’m left feeling confused and uncertain as to whether I am doing things right or the way that they would prefer. Oft-times, I am worried that I am making it up. And oft-times, I am left feeling cast adrift on an endless sea.

I’m at the point now where a connection is important. I’m at a point now where I need to find more than just little items that help me to think of my OTHERS™ and help me to connect with them. I’m at the point now where confusion reigns supreme, but I think that’s normal for most pagans out there… As it is, I’m at the point now where I need to forge a connection with all of my OTHERS™ and in a different way than I have been. Physical representations are all fine and dandy, but it’s the matters in our minds and in our hearts that show us the way.

And it is here that I find myself.

Ready, uncertain, timid, but courageous.

I’m ready to forge that connection now.

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25 thoughts on “Pagan Blog Project: C Is For Connection.

  1. This is an excellent insight that has illuminated moments of ‘wanting what someone else seemed to be getting’ for me on my own path. I have learned by some close calls of my own (and cautionary tales from others), and it’s always good to have another reminder, that Deity is not to be called lightly. Sometimes, we need to tenaciously pursue what we don’t really need to figure out it’s not “where it’s at.” Thanks for sharing your personal experience here! I look forward to future posts. :) Bb! )O(

  2. You are definitely NOT alone in feeling like you have difficulty connecting. Up until the past few years, I was under the impression that I either had a monumental psychic block or was just woefully disabled in that regard. My problem was largely that when I did receive messages (whether through “coincidences/synchronicites,” dreams, or flat out direct communication) I would dismiss such messages as either imagination or wishful thinking.

    Part of my problem was that I had expectations of how the messages would come through and what that would feel like. What I ended up realizing is that messages and visions and such tend to feel a lot more subtle (at least much of the time) than how I imagined they would be. And now I’m working on discerning what is real and what is indeed my imagination, and learning to trust my deities and myself more.

    And yes, like you, early in my path I courted deities who were not right for me, and got NO response. It’s amazing how much easier it is, really, to go with those who actually want to work with you :)

    • I often refer to myself as spirit blind because of my difficulty connecting. In regards to OTHERS™, I think the issue is a hard time in learning what the messages are and how they come to me. With others, such as my akhu, I honestly don’t know what the issue is. One day, I hope to figure it out…

      Good luck with your discernment! Let me know how that ends up.

    • I absolutely agree – it is often the case that our own mistaken expectations lead us to think nothing is happening. But the more you tune in to the actual communications, the more They will send – because you’re finally listening. So it becomes a positive feedback loop. You just have to start figuring out how to recognize communications for what they are. Yes, some people get a lot out of meditation, some people do trance, but that’s not all there is.

      All the omens, the synchronicities, those are very important. Learning to identify an urge or thought that is clearly not your own, but may not come in the form of an external “voice” that you hear just like any other. Paying attention to dreams. Doing divinations. All of this is important. Yes, you may end up erring too much on the other side, attributing things to the gods that are just random coincidence, but over time you’ll find the right balance. That’s the neverending process of discernment.

      • Thank you for your words. I can’t convey how your advice really gets my brain-juices moving. :)

        I think siding too much on the “OMGZ MUST BE COMMUNIQUE FROM GODS” is something that people do more often than not. However, I feel that I’ve come to close to the opposite of things, and constantly see things for the coincidences that they made indeed be. The dropping of a crow feather at my feet or the reflection of snow on glass in the form of an old, wizened, and saddened man, f’ex. I’m so tired of looking at things through a set of glasses that are only tuned to the here and now. As you said before, just because there is a rational explanation that doesn’t necessarily mean that it isn’t a communication or I’m not seeing a dead guy.

        On a forum I belong to, when people ask for help in interpreting signs, the very first page or two of suggestions is all about the mundane. It aggravates me, actually. Yes, I understand that the pounding sound on the wall might just be my neighbor putting up a picture frame. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t have something to do with my gods, either.

  3. Btw, I have never once in my life “grounded and centered.” I know it’s the first thing they teach you in most pagan circles, but it is not part of my approach, and yet I am quite able to connect with gods and spirits.

    Which is just to say, don’t think that you have to follow someone else’s example to “do it right”. You might accidentally get in your own way. Be open to how it will work *for you*.

    • I think I’ve grounded myself a some total of twice. And the only time I’ve “centered” is when I was going for a walk or doing the dishes or shuffling my Tarot cards.

  4. All interesting. :) As for the stones, I’ve always been taught that if a stone suddenly leaves you it is because it has finished its work with you. Stones can drain and crack or sometimes change colour etc depending on the type of stone. I have lost I don’t know how many precious pieces that I loved, but I always later found something else or found I no longer needed whatever specific energy they had.

    Course, everyone’s mileage may vary. Maybe they felt you had a good connection and no longer needed them as the bridge. :) Or maybe it was something else like you had stated.

    In any case it is often that moment where you have to trust and step off the ledge that you find what you need. I bet you find those connections soon. ~insert joke about witchy sense tingling~ You have worked hard and as they say nothing good comes easy.

    Trust in yourself. :) You’ll find the way.

    • It is definitely possible that the stones in question had finished their work. However, I was always of the mind that they were removed from me so that a more uncertain and painful path could be opened for me.

      I hope I do find those connections soon because this bouncing about like a bouncy ball is really overrated. :)

  5. I found your post enjoyable and informative. Now I am beginning to realize since I have begun to follow my path, I have been having dreams, calming and bizarre. I have always had dreams, especially when I had stressors or important decisions to make. But more recently I have felt that something or someone has been attempting to contact me. I look forward to reading more of your posts! :)

    • Thank you.

      Sometimes, we just assume that things are still meeting the same status quo as they were prior to contact with the gods. It’s a matter of discerning what is and is not contact.

  6. Excellent! Your honesty is a breath of fresh air …I wonder, truthfully, how many of us have had the same difficulty in making a connection?
    Thanks for writing this!

  7. “Don’t sell what you have to offer the world and the gods short or pine after having a broke-open head; it’s not all joyous communion with the transcendental light, it’s a job. It’s not somehow more glamorous or important than any of the other thousands of possible jobs in the system there are; all the jobs need to be done. ”

    http://bunny-puppy.net/folk/brokeopen.html

    Not everyone can have a broke-open head. I think connections can be made in other areas, though. And I would agree that maybe it’s time for you to find other ways to connect with your gods. Maybe you lost the pendants because your goddesses wanted to push you to find other ways to connect with them? Just a thought.

    I had something brilliant I was going to say earlier, but I forgetted it :< So you'll have to forgive me.

    • I definitely need to find other ways to connect. I just find it so difficult. And I find that I’m not sure if what I’m doing is right. I know I shouldn’t base my practice on what other people are doing since they’re relationship(s) wouldn’t be the same as what I have going with my gods. But, I often read entries where people are openly discoursing with them and I can’t help but wonder why I don’t have something like that, too…

  8. What a great post. :) Your blog is always a wonderful read. I’m pretty oblivious to all things spirit-wise, I must admit, and skeptical by nature. But if, say, you dream of a certain god nearly every night, would you consider that communication?

  9. Pingback: Erring on the Side of Stupidity (PBP). | Mystical Bewilderment

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