I’ve always had an exceedingly difficult time in connecting with my OTHERS™. This is a rambling, meandering history of my constantly trying to form a connection.
When I first started into the gods part of this path, I didn’t know how to read all of the little messages I was getting. I didn’t know to look at all of the little coincidences that had been happening over the years and put them together. Since I didn’t know that this was Sekhmet trying to establish a connection with me, these moments went ignored. And though it seemed obvious that ancient Egypt should be where I began searching for gods, I instead began exploring in the realm of Hinduism as both Kali and Ganesha had always intrigued me. Silly, naïve me thought that was all that was required to begin a connection.
But interest on our end isn’t what is needed to establish a connection. That was my hubris speaking. And it continued to speak when Ganesha refused to pay attention.
You see, I was supremely jealous that everyone else seemed to be exploring relationships and connections with deities while I was being left in the proverbial dust. The Sister was exploring love in its various forms with– Shit. Krishna? I think it was Krishna. I can remember watching her rise from a meditation with a huge, doofy smile on her face as she began to tell me all about her time with Krishna. I’m good at stifling jealous and snide comments that arise from said jealousy (being a misanthropic teen who is scared of being beaten up will do that to you). So, I don’t think she ever realized that I desperately wanted what it was that she seemed to be getting.
And then, the EM was the one who was starting us into this whole direction in the first place. She was “teaching” us as she had been “teaching” us from the start of our little “coven.” She always seemed to have some relationship with a deity of some sort, whether it was a new one or otherwise. She seemed able to communicate with them on a level that I couldn’t possibly understand and invocation was a popular form of connection for her*. I think it was that connection, most of all, that really got to me. I wanted to be able to connection with a deity on that level. I wanted to be able to say, “Hey. Look what I can do.” I didn’t realize that what I was thinking wasn’t a good idea. I didn’t know that what I was about to do was wrong.
(* It was recently mentioned to me by someone who has never me the EM that it was quite possible that she was faking it. I’m surprised this didn’t occur to me.)
What I should have learned from Ganesha’s polite pat on the head (repeatedly) was that he wasn’t for me. I should have learned that perhaps Hindu deities wasn’t where it was at. What I should have done was start to listen to my gut, which had been talking to me for quite a while. What I should have done wasn’t what I ended up doing. I desperately wanted to be able to talk to a deity on a level that I couldn’t even put into words. I wanted to connect and the only possible option that I saw in front of me was possible invocation. And I was goading. I was harassing. What I did and said to Ganesha was not in my best interest and I think I got off light.
I really pissed him off.
I won’t get into exactly what I did. I’ll only say that I was wrong and that I can only hope that when I try to make my reparation that Ganesha will accept it. In the mean time, I can safely say that I learned a lesson in all of this: Just because I wanted a connection with a god didn’t mean that I was going to get it.
After that, I began to pay a little more attention to the various coincidences that had been happening in regards to Sekhmet. It seemed that various online searches would almost always lead me back to her. I would be researching something completely remote and end up Wiki-clicking to her page. Or, I would do a Google search for something and a page of hers would pop up. I would spend hours looking at her images and reading little bits of things that had her name associated. My lesson with Ganesha was still fresh: a connection I may have been looking for and even possibly, all of the coincidences were the start of that, but I was still scared. I was worried.
Obviously, times changed and I accepted that a connection with her was what had always been intended. However, I still find it exceedingly difficult to connect with her, and all of my OTHERS™ in fact. I don’t know if a lot of people feel the same, although I’m led to believe that they do not. However, I’ve always felt that my connection with my OTHERS™ was tenuous, remote, and difficult to maintain. Sometimes, I think that this is due to the fact that I cannot ground and center as people are taught. Other times, I believe that it has to do with the fact that I cannot meditate for crap. And still others, I can’t help but wonder if my shaking connections with my gods has to do with being thrown down this road without preparation and even proper training/teaching. And yet other times, I can’t help but hear the doubt that says, “This. Isn’t. Real.”
As a form of connecting with my gods, for a while, I wore crystal pendants that represented them. I wore a tiger’s eye pendant for Sekhmet and a clear quartz pendant for Hetharu. When things were difficult at work or in the car or wherever, I could reach into my shirt and pluck at the pendants. I used them as a form of communication beacon, I guess, to get a direct message to my gods. I charmed the shit out of those pendants, too. They became a form of protection as well as a symbol for the gods that held my mind and my heart. (Who controls which? That’s the question, eh?) The crystals fell off this past summer and I haven’t had anything in my possession to replace them. For a while I wore a carnelian rose for Sekhmet, but this too fell off. It became apparent that pendants wasn’t where it was at. (I’ve also come to believe that the loss of my symbols of faith, coupled with the charms I had placed on said pendants was the malicious work of Kalfou, but that’s a different tale.)
As time has passed, I still feel the connection with my OTHERS™ is distant. Oft-times, I’m left feeling confused and uncertain as to whether I am doing things right or the way that they would prefer. Oft-times, I am worried that I am making it up. And oft-times, I am left feeling cast adrift on an endless sea.
I’m at the point now where a connection is important. I’m at a point now where I need to find more than just little items that help me to think of my OTHERS™ and help me to connect with them. I’m at the point now where confusion reigns supreme, but I think that’s normal for most pagans out there… As it is, I’m at the point now where I need to forge a connection with all of my OTHERS™ and in a different way than I have been. Physical representations are all fine and dandy, but it’s the matters in our minds and in our hearts that show us the way.
And it is here that I find myself.
Ready, uncertain, timid, but courageous.
I’m ready to forge that connection now.