Magic PT 2: In Which I Talk Cold, Hard Facts.

I’ve met up with a few people lately who live their lives pretty damn closely with their magic. And in some cases, they make their livelihood from it! These people fascinate me, like a scientist who has a tangible bit of evidence on their newest theory and so, must live and breathe and eat said newest theory. (No offense to those people. I am just a nerd and that was the best metaphor available.) I can’t wrap my head around what it is that they do or even how they do it. When they talk about magic-weaving and all of that, I tend to stare gap-mouthed at the computer screen going: “Hurr-durr. Say, what?” I make Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel look pretty damn intelligent.

The thing is, I really can’t wrap my mind around any of this. It’s just beyond mind-boggling. And what makes it that much worse is that I’m supposed to end up like that… one day. I just can’t see it.

Anyway.

As a start to all of this magic hullabaloo, I’ve bought a mega-shit-ton of books. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but for me and as far as I am concerned, books are the alpha and omega of learning. I know that having a teacher supercedes the book stuff, but I’m just not that lucky. There’s no one in this area that I would want to be a teacher since most pagans in this area are of a Wicca persuasion or follow a more Native Peoples path. Neither of these are pleasing to me in any way. So, to me, it’s the books that are where a lot of my knowledge will come from before I can get to the point where I’ll just know. The thing is that when I’m reading, there’s no one around who can answer the questions.

To be honest, I figured I’d pick up the books and get started. The thing is that the books tend to confuse me. I think the reason being is because, on one hand, I don’t understand some of what I’m reading because I haven’t experienced (for example, stuff to do with my grounding issues) and on the other hand, it’s because I can’t physically see it done. When it comes to learning about history and whatnot, I don’t need someone to show me or to elucidate to me about things. I can research what I need to without being shown how to or where to look. The thing is that magic isn’t like learning historical tidbits.

Unfortunately.

When reading Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson, I came upon something that really disturbed me because I don’t know if I can get passed it. In the first chapter, he started discussing something called “the witch’s pyramid.” This pyramid, he says, is the very foundation of witchcraft. (I can only assume that this is the case, but who knows?) One of the sides—the third side—is about faith. And of course, he didn’t mean in the religious aspect of the whole thing, but what he meant was in yourself. And this, of course, is [probably] going to be a problem because my self-esteem lives in the toilet.

How do you get passed that?

What makes this all that much worse was that the one time I was really starting to develop some confidence in my capabilities, it got fucked up by the EM. And I’m sure the lesson there is that I shouldn’t let the actions of others dictate my progress, but that is easier said than done. And I mean, really, isn’t it human nature to be affected by the comments of others? Besides, there’s just something about being made to feel three inches tall by someone who is supposed to be a friend and a teacher. Maybe I’m just over-sensitive.

How are you supposed to believe in this stuff anyway?

I still have a rational aspect in my head that’s going puh-leeze while I’m reading all of this. It’s hard to shut that part off, too. I mean, I have years of rationality kicking around in my brain. The part that talks about science and all that jazz. In the scheme of things, one can argue that science and magic are related in some form or another. But when you have so much “adulthood” pressing down on you, it’s hard to kick it in the teeth.

For example, I desperately want to learn about crystals. I think the whole thing is fascinating. To think that I could have something in my possession that could influence my personal surroundings? Fab-u-lous! However, I have a niggling doubt in the middle of my head that says crystals are just pretty things that the earth coughs up for us. On the duplicitous other hand, when I was wearing my onyx pendant, I wholeheartedly believed it. And all of the little whispered words I had spoken to it in order to add layers of protection to it. All right, so, really my problem is two fold: I believe and yet I don’t.

My biggest problem, I think, is not so much the belief aspect (I figure that comes with practice) is so much belief in myself. How in the world am I supposed to develop that? Aside from my little whispered words to my onyx pendant (and my Dodge Neon, let’s not forget that protected beauty), none of my other spell castings have worked out. I’ve mentioned this a time or a dozen, for whatever reason, they just don’t work out.

Now, I know that some instances it was due to disbelief. Still others because of depressed periods (which I assume has a negative effect on magic-weaving) in my life. And yet, still others because the universe was telling me to fuck off. Of course, figuring out which is which… anyway. The thing is that as far back as I can recall, none of my spells work out. And that causes a big huge issue for me since I’m supposed to go down the witch road. If that’s the fucking case, how do I make my magic work?

The 64,000 dollar question, folks.

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9 thoughts on “Magic PT 2: In Which I Talk Cold, Hard Facts.

  1. I think step one would be to define magic… you’re definition of magic, I mean. What is it? Why do you think you need to practice witchcraft? What does that look like? Etc…

    I’ve enjoyed reading your process so far. It’s good to get these feelings out there and to really stare your questions in the face. :)

  2. As a similarly logically-minded person & also someone who began this path with REALLY LOW SELF-ESTEEM, I completely understand where you’re coming from!

    First, I have no idea who this Paul Huson guy is. Haven’t read that book. But it doesn’t sound like the “normal” witch’s pyramid. You might want to look into that a little…but I do agree with you about books. But remember…without a teacher (which is how I’ve done everything myself), its awfully hard to figure out which ones are good, and which ones are crap. And there is an awful lot of crap out there. It gets even more confusing because some of the books that are crap have diamonds of truth hidden in them, and some of the most reliable books on earth have one or two bits of trash.

    Keep your intuition open while you read. If it sounds like bollocks, its probably bollocks. Especially in a practice that’s so incredibly personal…because if it doesn’t work for you, then it isn’t right. That simple.

    You’re right about the self-esteem. That comes with practice. I’ve got that t-shirt already. Don’t worry about your spells not working right away, either. Obviously, some of your spells have worked…your car, your pendant, for instance. There might be other little areas of success. If you seem to have success with charming things, start there. Build on that. If you’re interested in crystals, work with them. Follow your instincts! Charging and charming crystals might be one of your strengths.

    You don’t know until you try…and the little voice going “puh-leeze” (which I still have, btw!) will get fainter and fainter as you see the *evidence* your magic working. Which you will!

    And if you’re scientifically minded and want to believe in how this magic stuff works…try Pythagoras (yes, the triangle guy!)…or quantum physics (if your mind can wrap around them. I can just barely…). If you like the historical approach, look into Dr. John Dee. His concepts are a little complicated, but fascinating. Maybe that’s just me, though! If you like reading half the fun will be research. Or maybe that’s just me, too…

    • Welp, I picked up the book as a recommendation from Miss Dirty. I had been eyeballing it for a while before she had recommended it. It’s an older book, like from the 70s, but it seems decent enough. Mostly, I was hoping that it would be able to impart in me something profound. I think that it’s actually done that, though, because he lists a HUGE HOARD of stuff to look into for historical purposes. And, also, when I was reading the introduction, I was struck by how many topics that he had mentioned that I had already started to study or had looked up before/have books about. It was like, “AH HA! I KNOW THAT!” It was amazing.

      Honestly, I think I go into reading the books that I pick up with the proverbial grain of salt sitting on my shoulder. That doesn’t mean it’s true, but I’d like to think that that is the case! The thing with my intuition, though, is that I don’t really know what the hell it says to me or when. I’m not good with gut instincts. I think this is mostly due to years of being told what to do and therefore, doing it. And of course, the whole self-esteem thing. Again, I think that’s something that practice will bring about… hopefully.

      I’m interested in charms and whatnot. I have been for a while. I never really thought of what I was doing or saying to my car/the pendant as charm work before. I just kind of… did it? Well, initially, with the pendant, it was something that I did consciously. However, over time, I would just start muttering little words like, “This pendant protects me from all that would harm me,” or something. And it really did work very well. (Until it decided to FALL OFF THE CHAIN. Bastard.) And in my car, I was always muttering that the gods protected me, mine, and my car and those who were in my car. It just… worked, I guess, because I truly believed it. And you know, maybe I’m okay at charm work. LOL

      I would so look into both of those science-related subjects except that regular physics was too damn boring for me. Okay, actually, I was completely lost almost from the get-go in that class. Of course, I was taking it for the credit it was going to give me as opposed to wanting to take it, so… I don’t know. I’ll look into the Pythagoras and whatnot though. What… should I look… to?

  3. oooh…what book was it? I might have actually read it, if it was from the 70s!

    Yeah, the intuition thing…I wasn’t so hot with that at first, either. Again, it grows with you. Until it kicks in, trust it but double-check. You’ve got the perfect venue, after all! If you agree with something or disagree with something, throw your thoughts up here. That’s what I do…and I’m sure you’ll get plenty of feedback! :-D

    The physics thing…try this out…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnPEKbMCxso&feature=related…he’s not nearly as boring as your science teachers would be! Believe me, I didn’t even *try* to take physics…although I loved chemistry, so go figure.

    As far as Pythagoras goes, as well as John Dee and Aleister Crowley, let me share this with you…www.darkbooks.org. There’s some interesting books there, free to download, that might interest you. There’s at least one book on Pythagoras. I haven’t read it yet but I’ve downloaded a bunch of stuff from there.

    Where I was going with the science and logic angle involves Pythagoras because he’s the first one I am aware of to have theorized about vibrations. If you look at his philosophies, he had the notion that nothing was solid long before we discovered the atom. Everything vibrates; therefore everything can affect everything else. Each herb, each crystal has its own vibrations, its own energies. If we learn to direct those, as well as our own inherent energies…What isn’t possible?

    Sooooo…yeah, that’s how I was able to negotiate between the magical and the real…lol. Everyoen does it in their own way, I suppose. Most of the time I hear people say that herbs, crystals, and whatever are just props to get past our concious minds that don’t believe down to our subconscious minds that do. I suppose that’s still partially true…but I like the vibration angle myself even better. It just seems to make sense to me, but you’ve got to sort all that out for yourself!

    Ok, you’ve done charms and you’re good at it. ACCEPT IT! You’re good at it! NOT ALL YOUR MAGIC FAILS! Once you can accept that, you’ll be on the road! Not every spell has to be complicated, and if little mutterings like that work for you, go for it. They don’t all have to rhyme, they don’t all have to be done at certain moon phases. It helps, sure, and once you feel comfy with the little ones like you’ve already done, maybe you can start attempting ones that are a little more complicated…and then a little more…and a little more…next thing you know, you’ll be writing outrageously long replies like this on someone else’s blog…lol…

  4. My advice would be of starting out slowl with small exercises that can build up you confidence- energy-sensing for example. If you can pick up the different energy between, let’s say, an orange and a pen, you are less likely to question if you are really building power while you are trying to rise more energy during your ritual.

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