I’ve met up with a few people lately who live their lives pretty damn closely with their magic. And in some cases, they make their livelihood from it! These people fascinate me, like a scientist who has a tangible bit of evidence on their newest theory and so, must live and breathe and eat said newest theory. (No offense to those people. I am just a nerd and that was the best metaphor available.) I can’t wrap my head around what it is that they do or even how they do it. When they talk about magic-weaving and all of that, I tend to stare gap-mouthed at the computer screen going: “Hurr-durr. Say, what?” I make Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel look pretty damn intelligent.
The thing is, I really can’t wrap my mind around any of this. It’s just beyond mind-boggling. And what makes it that much worse is that I’m supposed to end up like that… one day. I just can’t see it.
As a start to all of this magic hullabaloo, I’ve bought a mega-shit-ton of books. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but for me and as far as I am concerned, books are the alpha and omega of learning. I know that having a teacher supercedes the book stuff, but I’m just not that lucky. There’s no one in this area that I would want to be a teacher since most pagans in this area are of a Wicca persuasion or follow a more Native Peoples path. Neither of these are pleasing to me in any way. So, to me, it’s the books that are where a lot of my knowledge will come from before I can get to the point where I’ll just know. The thing is that when I’m reading, there’s no one around who can answer the questions.
To be honest, I figured I’d pick up the books and get started. The thing is that the books tend to confuse me. I think the reason being is because, on one hand, I don’t understand some of what I’m reading because I haven’t experienced (for example, stuff to do with my grounding issues) and on the other hand, it’s because I can’t physically see it done. When it comes to learning about history and whatnot, I don’t need someone to show me or to elucidate to me about things. I can research what I need to without being shown how to or where to look. The thing is that magic isn’t like learning historical tidbits.
When reading Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson, I came upon something that really disturbed me because I don’t know if I can get passed it. In the first chapter, he started discussing something called “the witch’s pyramid.” This pyramid, he says, is the very foundation of witchcraft. (I can only assume that this is the case, but who knows?) One of the sides—the third side—is about faith. And of course, he didn’t mean in the religious aspect of the whole thing, but what he meant was in yourself. And this, of course, is [probably] going to be a problem because my self-esteem lives in the toilet.
How do you get passed that?
What makes this all that much worse was that the one time I was really starting to develop some confidence in my capabilities, it got fucked up by the EM. And I’m sure the lesson there is that I shouldn’t let the actions of others dictate my progress, but that is easier said than done. And I mean, really, isn’t it human nature to be affected by the comments of others? Besides, there’s just something about being made to feel three inches tall by someone who is supposed to be a friend and a teacher. Maybe I’m just over-sensitive.
How are you supposed to believe in this stuff anyway?
I still have a rational aspect in my head that’s going puh-leeze while I’m reading all of this. It’s hard to shut that part off, too. I mean, I have years of rationality kicking around in my brain. The part that talks about science and all that jazz. In the scheme of things, one can argue that science and magic are related in some form or another. But when you have so much “adulthood” pressing down on you, it’s hard to kick it in the teeth.
For example, I desperately want to learn about crystals. I think the whole thing is fascinating. To think that I could have something in my possession that could influence my personal surroundings? Fab-u-lous! However, I have a niggling doubt in the middle of my head that says crystals are just pretty things that the earth coughs up for us. On the duplicitous other hand, when I was wearing my onyx pendant, I wholeheartedly believed it. And all of the little whispered words I had spoken to it in order to add layers of protection to it. All right, so, really my problem is two fold: I believe and yet I don’t.
My biggest problem, I think, is not so much the belief aspect (I figure that comes with practice) is so much belief in myself. How in the world am I supposed to develop that? Aside from my little whispered words to my onyx pendant (and my Dodge Neon, let’s not forget that protected beauty), none of my other spell castings have worked out. I’ve mentioned this a time or a dozen, for whatever reason, they just don’t work out.
Now, I know that some instances it was due to disbelief. Still others because of depressed periods (which I assume has a negative effect on magic-weaving) in my life. And yet, still others because the universe was telling me to fuck off. Of course, figuring out which is which… anyway. The thing is that as far back as I can recall, none of my spells work out. And that causes a big huge issue for me since I’m supposed to go down the witch road. If that’s the fucking case, how do I make my magic work?
The 64,000 dollar question, folks.