I know that magic is the next step in my pagan career, but I have to be honest… I’m scared.
As a child, I believed in unicorns and elves and Santa Claus. As far as my childhood was concerned, magic was running rampant all around me. It was a matter of just seeing it. Since I grew up in the city, I figured I wouldn’t be likely to see it. What unicorn makes its home in an area where trees are kept for decoration? What elf wants to aid the shoemaker whose shop is on Main Street, likely to be robbed and/or shot up? And as for Santa, he only showed up once a year! And besides—I’m channeling all parents here—he won’t leave presents if you stay up for him. So, as a child, I just assumed that I had to wait until I was older before I caught a glimpse.
As I got older, I started to add little caveats to when magic would come my way. I had to live in the middle of nowhere, or at least surrounded by trees. I mean, to see a unicorn there had to be trees all around. I had read and watched The Last Unicorn often enough to know that much. I had to be closer to the land to see the fae or elves roaming around. I had to own a home in order to see them, too, because then I could invite them in or at least commune with them. So, magic would be on the way, but I had to be patient. And as time still passed, I figured kids would be necessary, too. How else to see these things of the innocence of children wasn’t there to aid me?
The thing is, I didn’t realize that I had added all of these “but when” add-ons to the whole puzzle. I just figured I had to keep waiting.
Now, I am [nearly] twenty-nine years of age and I’ve achieved one of those caveats in all that time: I have a child. And I will certainly admit that having him in my life has allowed me to see a fair bit of magic and a resurgence in belief of elves, the fae, and unicorn. However, it hasn’t been as all-encompassing or the sure-fire bet I had always thought it would be. I see and recognize things I probably wouldn’t have without his piercing eyes and thousand questions, but it isn’t the magical filled world I had always assumed it would be.
As time has passed, I’ve tried to get back into that magical realm in some form or another.
When I first started into this world, witchcraft and magic really intrigued me. I wanted to explore that realm almost from the get-go. It was as though I was being given a bus pass straight back to my childhood. It was something that was, initially, the big reason why I started to become more intrigued in paganism. (The religious tolerance of paganism was also intriguing.) It was so intriguing to read about casting spells! Of course, my rational mind wasn’t quite so interested in all of this. There many moments of, ‘oh yeah, like that could work/happen.’ But, over all, I wanted to practice magic.
Since starting out in all of this, I’ve tried my hand at magic spells. They’re all very sweet and cute. There’s a lot of rhyming (a hold over from an entire teenagerhood of poem writing, I guess). There’s a lot of begging, asking, or outright demanding for changes to be wrought. There’s the addition of herbs to make it happen. I’ve done the whole visualization aspect. I’ve given a time frame for the universe. In the last five years or so, I’ve done a lot of trying to make my will manifest in some form or another.
And I can safely say that none of it has fucking worked.
It’s at this juncture that I learn magic is the next step. For some time, I’ve known that to be the case. And I’ve put it off. It was easier to ignore the big signpost up ahead. It was simpler to duck down some other unlit path instead of going forward (and wouldn’t you know it: it was a convoluted circle to bring me back to where I just was). And it was better, I felt, to even put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes, and talk loudly over all the OTHERS™ trying to school my stubborn ass. But, I can’t ignore it anymore. The books are here. The time is now.
So, I have to learn this.
I just don’t know what to do, how to do it, or where to begin.